Fiance Won't Let Me Attend Open AA Meeting
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Fiance Won't Let Me Attend Open AA Meeting
Hi all,
First post, just looking for a little support and guidance here.
Let me start with some background. I am engaged to a wonderful man in the army. He is serving out his contract half way across the country, and as such, we have very limited time together. In January, he decided to get sober and join AA. He has been sober since then. I stand by his decision 100%. In fact, he has expressed his desire that I also get some help to grow spiritually with him. (I still drink on occasion.)
Currently, he is home on leave for a little over a week. He expressed his desire to attend an AA meeting on Monday. This meeting is open and I told him I would like to attend so I can gain some insights into how a 12-step program works and if it's right for me. Immediately, he became withdrawn and said, "I'd really you rather not come to this meeting. This is my thing and I don't want you there." I reiterated my want to support and understand, but he remained steadfast in his dissatisfaction. I told him I feel it's a bit selfish for him not to let me attend a meeting that is open to the public and he replied with, "I am absolutely allowed to be selfish about my recovery and you cannot attend this meeting." He told me that as long as he is participating in AA, I cannot attend the meetings he attends because it's "his thing." This baffles me because his sponsor and her partner attend meeting together and for them it's not an issue.
So, just curious, is there anyone else out there in a similar situation? I cannot see why my fiance would want to be so secretive about his recovery when he has actively asks me to seek out a program myself. I'm almost hurt by his unwillingness to let me participate, and I guess any support would really help.
Thanks!
First post, just looking for a little support and guidance here.
Let me start with some background. I am engaged to a wonderful man in the army. He is serving out his contract half way across the country, and as such, we have very limited time together. In January, he decided to get sober and join AA. He has been sober since then. I stand by his decision 100%. In fact, he has expressed his desire that I also get some help to grow spiritually with him. (I still drink on occasion.)
Currently, he is home on leave for a little over a week. He expressed his desire to attend an AA meeting on Monday. This meeting is open and I told him I would like to attend so I can gain some insights into how a 12-step program works and if it's right for me. Immediately, he became withdrawn and said, "I'd really you rather not come to this meeting. This is my thing and I don't want you there." I reiterated my want to support and understand, but he remained steadfast in his dissatisfaction. I told him I feel it's a bit selfish for him not to let me attend a meeting that is open to the public and he replied with, "I am absolutely allowed to be selfish about my recovery and you cannot attend this meeting." He told me that as long as he is participating in AA, I cannot attend the meetings he attends because it's "his thing." This baffles me because his sponsor and her partner attend meeting together and for them it's not an issue.
So, just curious, is there anyone else out there in a similar situation? I cannot see why my fiance would want to be so secretive about his recovery when he has actively asks me to seek out a program myself. I'm almost hurt by his unwillingness to let me participate, and I guess any support would really help.
Thanks!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I'm not in a similar situation at all, but perhaps my comments will help.
I was attending AA meetings at the time I met and married my husband, and the thought of keeping that part of my life secret from him never crossed my mind. I brought him to many open meetings with me. I've since left AA and joined SMART Recovery, and he is part of that, too. And if the situation were reversed, I have no doubt that he'd want me to be a part of HIS whole world.
So I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know more than the simple fact that he doesn't want you there: I'd want to know WHY. And I believe that any man who is marriage material ought to be able to answer that question...and perhaps reconsider his standpoint.
I was attending AA meetings at the time I met and married my husband, and the thought of keeping that part of my life secret from him never crossed my mind. I brought him to many open meetings with me. I've since left AA and joined SMART Recovery, and he is part of that, too. And if the situation were reversed, I have no doubt that he'd want me to be a part of HIS whole world.
So I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know more than the simple fact that he doesn't want you there: I'd want to know WHY. And I believe that any man who is marriage material ought to be able to answer that question...and perhaps reconsider his standpoint.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 120
hmmm. i don't know about this one. i have 45 days today, and i rely on AA on a daily basis. for me, it's a very safe place where i can talk and listen with other people who've got similar stories.
i am currently single, but i imagine i would be hesitant to have a partner come with me, at least at this stage in my recovery, as it might interfere with that sense of safety.
that said, maybe things will change with time. everyone's recovery is different and personal.
maybe you should consider an alanon meeting? they will have lots of great info, and likely some people who've dealt with what you are going through.
i think it's great that you want to be so supportive and understanding-that's pretty key to recovery!
great luck to the both of you in your journey together.
i am currently single, but i imagine i would be hesitant to have a partner come with me, at least at this stage in my recovery, as it might interfere with that sense of safety.
that said, maybe things will change with time. everyone's recovery is different and personal.
maybe you should consider an alanon meeting? they will have lots of great info, and likely some people who've dealt with what you are going through.
i think it's great that you want to be so supportive and understanding-that's pretty key to recovery!
great luck to the both of you in your journey together.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi Funky
I'm not in AA so I have no direct experience to share - except to say I guarded my recovery pretty jealously in the beginning - it was so so important to me.
It was not that I was being secretive - I just really needed to be brutally honest and frank in order to mark this recovery deal work - and I'm not sure I could have done that with one eye on someone beside me, at least at the start.
OTT makes a good point - I just wanted to share a little of the way I felt back then as a counterbalance.
Eventually I integrated my recovery a little more deftly into my life and I relaxed a little....maybe the same thing will happen with your fiancee?
D
I'm not in AA so I have no direct experience to share - except to say I guarded my recovery pretty jealously in the beginning - it was so so important to me.
It was not that I was being secretive - I just really needed to be brutally honest and frank in order to mark this recovery deal work - and I'm not sure I could have done that with one eye on someone beside me, at least at the start.
OTT makes a good point - I just wanted to share a little of the way I felt back then as a counterbalance.
Eventually I integrated my recovery a little more deftly into my life and I relaxed a little....maybe the same thing will happen with your fiancee?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Funky 
This baffles me because his sponsor and her partner attend meeting together and for them it's not an issue.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
There are things i've done drunk that I would never want my Boyfriend to know about. Maybe he wants to be able to tell his whole story without fear of what you'd think of him.
At the same time, it concerns me that he's so AGAINST the idea.. i'm struggling with this.
At the same time, it concerns me that he's so AGAINST the idea.. i'm struggling with this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Marysville, Ohio
Posts: 310
When I was in AA my first time around, I wanted my husband to go with me. He is an alcoholic too. When he finally came to the meeting, I was very uncomfortable. It wasn't like I was talking about him when he wasn't there, it was just well weird. So I understand your fiances reluctance.
You could go to an open meeting by yourself to get the feel.
Now this time in sobriety my husband and I go together and it is fine. I don't really know what the difference is except for time.
Maybe just give him time. He hasn't been sober very long, 6 months? Let him have this or it may go sour.
You could go to an open meeting by yourself to get the feel.
Now this time in sobriety my husband and I go together and it is fine. I don't really know what the difference is except for time.
Maybe just give him time. He hasn't been sober very long, 6 months? Let him have this or it may go sour.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Funky, your fiance is going threw a process that may change the way he act, feel and see in life. With that say, let him go to this AA a long and talk to him about his recovery. If he stay sober for 6 to 12 months he may not be the person you find to love. It just how the recovery process work and people do change a lot. Your not married or have kids yet with him so you need to be ready for all the things with him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Sapling
I am in AA...And I'm curious...Is his sponsor a woman?..?
That little detail kind of jumped out at me too.
Anyway, ....It's great you're interested in checking out a meeting. Maybe try an open meeting he doesn't attend.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I have only been to one meeting so far, but I would seriously freak out if I had to take my BF-- I love him more then anything, but it is all I can do to get myself there-- I couldn't handle the pressure of him being there. You seem like a really nice person, but I would back off about this. I need my autonomy with rearguards to these meetings- maybe he is like that. I hear you can go to alanon meetings, maybe that would help out.
You said
"Currently, he is home on leave for a little over a week. He expressed his desire to attend an AA meeting on Monday. This meeting is open and I told him I would like to attend so I can gain some insights into how a 12-step program works and if it's right for me"
What do you mean by "seeing if it is right for you?" I am confused --- are you having a problem with drinking as well? or do you mean that you are going to go to a meeting to judge if it is right? Can you explain? Thank you
You said
"Currently, he is home on leave for a little over a week. He expressed his desire to attend an AA meeting on Monday. This meeting is open and I told him I would like to attend so I can gain some insights into how a 12-step program works and if it's right for me"
What do you mean by "seeing if it is right for you?" I am confused --- are you having a problem with drinking as well? or do you mean that you are going to go to a meeting to judge if it is right? Can you explain? Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 38
I am in AA actively right now. Although I do love my husband (Who is extremely supportive, forgiving, and understanding), I really prefer him not being at any of the meetings I attend except Speaker meetings. Even if he were in treatment as well, I know I would prefer we go to separate home groups (At least for now) I need to focus on me right now, and having him there would have me minding my p's and q's and not really getting to the meat of what is going on inside of me. We speak at Open meetings just like we do at closed meetings. I would feel like I couldn't speak/share at the meeting with him around at this very early stage of my recovery.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
Originally Posted by Live2Run25
There are things i've done drunk that I would never want my Boyfriend to know about. Maybe he wants to be able to tell his whole story without fear of what you'd think of him.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
It sounds as though he wants to grow spiritually with you, so that is a plus!
I would get my little but to an alanon meeting and start working the stpes, and get a great sponsor to do them with me. Once I started working the steps in AA, my whole perspective on life changed. I am so much more in tune with my Higher Power, or God, or the Creative Forces, whatever you want to call IT. I would be proud to marry someone who wants me to grow spiritually with him.
I would get my little but to an alanon meeting and start working the stpes, and get a great sponsor to do them with me. Once I started working the steps in AA, my whole perspective on life changed. I am so much more in tune with my Higher Power, or God, or the Creative Forces, whatever you want to call IT. I would be proud to marry someone who wants me to grow spiritually with him.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
One night my husband and I went to dinner and afterwards (we had a sitter) I asked him to go to a meeting with me. When we went around the tables he introduced himself as an alcoholic, I thought it was a little strange and asked him about it later.
He said, Well, had I continued down the road I was heading, I would have become one. I felt awkward with him there. I guess it was because while he knows "some of my story" he doesn't know that I depts of my alcoholism and drug addiction and personally, I would rather he didn't know.
I am proud of the fact that he never became an alcoholic and also does not drink at all today, but I cannot put my finger on why I felt so awkard with him there that night.
I have never asked him to attend again.
It could be he would feel somewhat "hindered" in an open share w/ you there. I would respect his privacy and would not push it and attend an open meeting that he isn't attending if you are really serious in checking it out. Don't crowd in his meeting if he is only home one week.
In the meantime, yes, please find an alanon meeting.
Blessings, Lily
He said, Well, had I continued down the road I was heading, I would have become one. I felt awkward with him there. I guess it was because while he knows "some of my story" he doesn't know that I depts of my alcoholism and drug addiction and personally, I would rather he didn't know.
I am proud of the fact that he never became an alcoholic and also does not drink at all today, but I cannot put my finger on why I felt so awkard with him there that night.
I have never asked him to attend again.
It could be he would feel somewhat "hindered" in an open share w/ you there. I would respect his privacy and would not push it and attend an open meeting that he isn't attending if you are really serious in checking it out. Don't crowd in his meeting if he is only home one week.
In the meantime, yes, please find an alanon meeting.
Blessings, Lily
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
I think recovery is very personal and there very well may be things that he is comfortable opening up about only to another alcoholic. Have you considered Al-Anon for you? If you really want to attend an open AA meeting, I would suggest going to another one than the one he goes to.
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