Elisabeth888

I just snooped through my husbands phone and found several inappropriate texts between him and a co -worker. It consisted of hey do you and those legs want to go to lunch and looking like that you don't need to worry about paying for lunch.

Of course I checked thoroughly and there are no phone calls or emails. My heart is racing I feel like ****.

I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't have snoopedr but I did. I have had suspicions about this girl. It could very well be just suggestive texts with nothing else YET. I don't want to confront him about this because I want to monitor it some more.

I neglected him sexually for a long time but this crap is not going to help matters.

Change4good

Oh, I am so sorry. That just sucks.

Drinking is only going to make it suck more. Don't let this rob you of sobriety. You might have lost trust, but NO NEED to lose your mind by drinking. You need strength right now.

Can you take a walk? Call a friend? Keep posting.

Again, I am sorry this happened. Realize you are reeling right now, and need time to adjust. DON'T muddy your coping mechanisms.

Elisabeth888

I feel like crying and throwing up at the same time. I have to study today and I don't know hoe I am going to.

tomsteve

one of the exercises we can do without in recovery is jumping to conclusions.

Change4good

You are stronger than you know. Remember that.

Dee74

I'm sorry Elizabeth.

I think you'll drive yourself mad 'monitoring' this though.

If you feel that boundaries have been crossed and your husband has a case to answer, I think you really need to talk about it with him.

Drinking won't help anything, in any way.

D

Jeni26

Oh how horrible for you. I can understand your distress, have you any friends you can call on to get you out of the house for a while?
Whatever you do, don't drink. That will not help you and will cloud your mind when it needs to be working clearly.
Don't think the worst. They may just be flirty texts which,although inappropriate, haven't led to anything more than that.
We are here for you.
Be strong xx

Elisabeth888

Thanks guys. I called my sponsor. The urge passed but I am still upset.

He works from home, goes in oncea week tops and we spend the majority of our time up each others ' Burt's and this is why it hurts so bad.

SamanthaIam

Been there, Elisabeth, and it is a horrible feeling. You'll need all your alcohol-free clarity to approach this wisely and with strength. Adding even an ounce of alcohol to this situation will surely turn it into a sh-- show. Keep calling your sponsor and all other reinforcements (SR!)

Elisabeth888

I don't know how to deal with this.

Anna

Elizabeth, I'm sorry this is happening. But, the monitoring idea sounds really bad. Use the energy to take care of yourself.

LoftyIdeals

You have my thoughts and prayers, Elisabeth. My experience is that when we come off years of alcohol and other abuse, there's a lot of other stuff to unravel. My wife and I have been trying to do just that for the last year, and have a long way to go.

I agree with Dee and Anna that monitoring it will only drive you crazy. Listen to your sponsor, and find the right time and way to bring it up with your husband, with the angle of healing, as opposed to blame. Sobriety brings many positive changes to our lives, but sometimes we have to muck through the mud that existed during our drinking and using days before we can enjoy the sunshine.

Peace and prayers your way.

Sapling

Sorry you're dealing with this Elisabeth...Three things.
Stay close to your sponsor and the fellowship.
Trust God.
Don't drink.

I have to agree with Dee...Talking about it may be better than letting it fester. My prayers are with you for strength and courage.

oh2exhale

Elisabeth- sorry you are going through this. Its a betrayal of trust, its inappropriate and disrespectful. Just call it what it is...and do nothing right now. Calm. Breathe. Honor yourself. Rise above. Retain your dignity. The solution will make itself evident in time. God bless. (Hugs)

SamanthaIam

I agree with 02exhale: Rise above! I meant to add before that I have done this, but I constantly checked and monitored and snooped after discovering the first couple of voice mails. I drove myself absolutely mad, and in the end, it didn't matter what I found anyway. He would just deny it, make excuses, make me feel like a lowlife for snooping, blame me for what was happening because I was crazy (which indeed, I was becoming), call me insecure, etc etc etc. It was one of the most painful and self-destructive things I've ever done. If I had it to do over today, I would have quietly stopped the snooping, and turned my focus to the rest of my life and away from the obsession with what he was doing. I would have maintained my own dignity. I would have done everything I could for me. I would not have confronted him. In some ways, I suppose this would have been like giving him enough rope to hang himself, you know? I wish I could look back on those days and see that I had conducted myself with some grace and strength, but I let it unravel me.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss or need more support.

wellwisher

I remember working with my counselor on understanding the fact that we do not have control over people, places and things. We actually don't have control over the feelings that come up in situations, but we do have control over how we react to them.

From a logical standpoint, it makes no sense to feel hurt and then hurt ourselves by drinking.

I have no personal experience to share with you about your suspicions, but only hope to reinforce with you that a drink won't help the situation.

I have to agree with Sapling's suggestions above; those are some very good suggestions that are a one-size-fit-all plan to any problem encountered by those in recovery.

Sending prayers that you find the path forward....

Live2Run25

I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure this is very very hard. Remember that drinking is only going to make everything worse. Is there any way you can talk to him about it in a nice way? or will it only make things worse? just remember.. don't drink. It won't help anything

oh2exhale

Elisabeth, just to clarify: what I meant was he has betrayed your trust and disrespected you- when married my husband was acting different. When I asked about it I was stonewalled. I got my answer when I looked at his phone. He said he wanted a divorce because I was too nosey and he moved in with the other woman. I wish you the best.