thejellyfish

I've recently decided to get sober. This has been a long time coming. I've said many times I want to stop drinking, but never been able to stop or maybe I just never really wanted to. My girlfriend just broke up with me because she was in recovery and felt she couldn't get healthy and still be with someone like me, drinking and smoking weed. I don't feel i have a problem with weed, or that it is even a drug for that matter, but alcohol I certainly have tendencies to abuse. I've decided I love my girlfriend much more than these impermanent things, and I want to change. I want to live my life free of drugs and hopefully repair my relationship with my girlfriend. She tells me that she isn't capable of being in a romantic relationship right now (she's 57 days sober), and still has a lot of resentment towards me because I was so opposed to her giving up pot and not wanting to hang out with people who drink or smoke. I really said some mean things that I now realize were really me not being able to let go of my own addictions. We're back on talking terms and I told her I'm getting sober, she's happy for me, but really thinks I should consider AA, because she said for her it was impossible to get sober without it. Can I get sober without AA? I don't feel my addiction has that strong of a hold on me. Also is it bad to want to get sober and healthy in order to repair my relationship? Thats not my only reason but certainly the one that has gotten me to this point. Any advice would be helpful.

Dee74

Hi thejellyfish - welcome

The first thing you have to realise is you can't get sober for anyone else- if that was the case a lot of us would have hit the straight road a lot sooner.

You have to believe there's a problem and you have to want to fix it - for yourself.

I also believe you need to be totally committed - for me, not drinking but dabbling in pot or whatever else would be a waste of time because all my addictions entwined...

whether I got high or drunk, as soon as that happened all bets and all good intentions were off.

If you're not going to do AA what are you going do, TJ?

D

desertsong

Welcome to SR, Jellyfish.

All I can tell you is that it is difficult if not impossible to get sober for someone else ... we have to be willing to do it for ourselves and us alone. The other things fall into place when we get sober ... but it has to be a conscious decision for YOU, not for someone else.

I can tell you this as a sober alkie who is living with an active alkie ... I tried so many times to get sober for him, for our kids, for the mailman, you name it ... but ultimately it came down to me asking myself if I wanted this for ME. It had to be for me, and no one else. If I didn't really want it, if I wasn't fully committed, if I was doing it because of the pressure from someone else, it wasn't going to work. And it didn't.

You certainly can get sober without AA. There are many programs out there ... SMART, AVRT, counseling, etc. I got sober through AA. Might be worth looking into.

Bottom line ... if you truly want to get sober, there are lots of resources out there. But if you're only doing it for someone else ... and you don't really want it for yourself ... chances of success are pretty small, my friend. What would be the benefits of sobriety for YOU? That's a good question to start with.

suki44883

Welcome to SR! If you want to quit drinking, you will find a lot of support here. My personal opinion is that you have to want sobriety for yourself, more than anything else. You definitely need support and SR is a good place for that, but face-to-face support can be even better. Whether you choose AA, Rational Recovery, AVRT, or some other support, the main thing is to have plenty of support for when you are having cravings or just need to talk to someone who understands.

Of course, there is no guarantee that you will win your girlfriend back, but seeking recovery is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

least

Welcome to the family! :ghug3

sharp75

i believe it to be a difficult relationship when one person admits theys have a problem but the partner wont accept it as they are basicallly admitting they have a problem themselves. my brother has a drink problem and i told him about my problem but he is pretty much ignorant about it as i know for a fact that if he accepts i have a problem hes basically admitting to his own problem which hes not ready to admit to yet. youve admitted you have a problem but the question is are you desperate to quit for your health and to get your life back or are you just wanting to quit to get your gf back as if you are only wanting to quit to get your gf back it could be disasterous for both of you

sharp75

also can i add i have 2 children and i promised everyday that i would stop for them and to give them the mother they deserve, but unfortunately drink is that much of a t*** that i couldnt even stop for my own children,(they dont even get to go on holidays as i drink the money) and i thought one day "if i cant stop for my children then how can i stop" then i woke up one day with total shock to what i was doing and i broke down and phoned my doctor straigt away and admitted everything. maybes the reason why your gf has left you is because she has reached rock bottom (rock bottom is horrendous, makes you feel like you are dying at times) so she mite have thought you wernt at that point yet so you wouldnt be able to support her

thejellyfish

thank you everyone! i am quitting drinking for myself its something ive wanted for a while but been unable to bring myself to do, but weed i'm really quitting for her. i've never had a problem with weed, i don't smoke everyday and most the time its just with friends. I'm torn part of me wants to say i don't need weed to enjoy things but its become such a part of my friends and lifestyle its really hard to all of a sudden pass on the bowl. I'm afraid my friends will judge me and think i'm just doing it for my girlfriend. I know i can have a good time without weed, but i don't see a reason to give it up.

Zencat

Welcome to SR jellyfish.

Whatever prompts you to get sober is a good start. The next step is understanding the various ways that can keep you sober. No one way is better that the other. So yes, people do recover without AA.

Being here at SoberRecovery can be an excellent recovery program. SR is a big part of my wellness treatment. The members here share their various experience and insight into addiction in a way that encourages me to continue my quest to live free from bonds of alcohol.

sharp75

i had a boyfriend who was addicted to weed and i fell pregnant by him, whilst pregnant i basically begged him to stop but his response was "other girlfriends have tried to get me to stop and it never worked so youre not going to be able to make me stop". at that moment it hit me that i couldnt change him, it would be down to him so we broke up. i now have a 9 year old son hes never seen and it breaks my heart to think he chose drugs over having a family but after having my own problem i know its down to him to realise. i dont think hell ever meet his son as its been too long now but you have the chance to change and not end up in the position of having to choose between drugs and family as it is a hard desicion even though the desicion should be obvious

Zencat

Here's a recovery exercise called "CBA: the Cost-Benefit Analysis". You can could type this out in a document and see what weed really means to you.

Anna

Of course you can get sober without AA. It depends on your motivation.

If you want it enough, you will be able to do it.

Christopherr

I can see you are struggling to hold things together and I want you to know that there is help out there. I have been through similar situations with my current girlfriend to the point where I thought there was no way around the problems we had. I was at the maximum level of desperation to save my relationship with her. I stumbled upon a source (that I will leave for you) that has opened up my mind to what I really needed to do to salvage my girlfriend back into my life and we have never been happier. I feel as if this source will do the same for you. I wish you and your partner best of luck in getting back on track.

relationshipsforum dot org

tomsteve

good to see ya wanting to get sober for you.
i am one of the sickos who tried to stop drinking to save a relationship. all i did was stop drinking and never worked on me, then ended up drunk again.
my last drunk,wel, the morning after, when i passed back into life, my fiance told me what i had done and said the afternoon, night before. i was in a blackout. then she told me to get the **** outta!! i packed some clothes and left.
for some reason, tha was when i stopped trying to deny alcohol was the common denominator in every proplem with my life( well, actually existance at that time). i was hurtin for certain and desperate. i finally wanted to stop drinkingfor me.
i go tinto AA. as the fog started lifting a bit, the thought that maybe this would save our relationship would pop up. man!! am i greatful i was able to see how screwed up them thoughts were!!
heres a suggestion for ya iffen ya decide to go to AA: dont go to the same meetings she goes to.

ACT10Npack

thejellyfish, you have to get sober for yourself and not any other person or thing. Second, you can get sober without AA. It's easier to get sober when your in a community. Why not try using SR for your community support.

onlythetruth

Sure, it's a great thing to start off wanting to quit drinking for yourself, and eventually that is the ticket...but many of us start out with a different motivation. Over the years I've known many, many folks who are happily abstinent who started out doing it to save a relationship. Some, believe it or not, had no intention of quitting their addiction until they were ordered to do so by a judge.

Eventually life without the pain of addiction is so good that we do decide we want it for ourselves, but if that isn't your initial reason, it's no big deal. Whatever gets you on the path is ok!

And of course you can get sober without AA!