headstrong

So I have been working really hard to regain the trust from my ex Fiance. Last November she filed a restraining order against me. We have an 18 month old child together. In February she agreed to supervised visitation and communication through Our Family Wizard during the de novo (appeal) hearing. I have been busting my butt since then to stay sober, to regain her trust, to support my daughter financially, and to spend more time with my daughter.

My aunt, being the supervisor, had plans yesterday so she couldn't supervise. I did gett to see my daughter all day on Saturday. I am thankful for this and we had a really good time. But I am still bummed out about all I have done to destroy my family. I am bummed out that I don't get to see my daughter when I want to see her. I asked to have my daughter stay overnight on Friday because my ex had to be to work at 7am and didn't want everyone running around at 6am trying to meet, but was declined the opportunity. She says she is getting there. So I sat, alone yesterday with a whole day to replay my year of shame, over and over again. Having the day to myself I should have gone to a meeting, but I didn't. I haven't been in two months now. I don't have any desire to drink, but I don't feel that I am making progress either. I use the group and my daughter as my higher power, but something just isn't clicking for me.

I have been playing phone tag with an alcohol addiction counselor. I have been going to see an AODA counselor for a year now and don't feel like I am making any progress with her. She says that people like me make her want to keep coming to work. I guess I made her job easy.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I really don't have anyone else to talk to about my addiction.

Sapling

I had to go after my sobriety like my life depended on it...Because it did....How bad do you really want this?

sugarbear1

I feel your pain, even though I am female. I know the guilt & shame of my actions, too.

"I really don't have anyone else to talk to about my addiction."
After 2 months of no meetings, it's time to start back and to try talking to people before and after the meetings. Get phone numbers and start calling other men. If you are serious about recovery, do what is suggested and begin to use these tools. There is no magic cure, change takes a lot of work on our part.

Do you have a sponsor? If not, maybe it's time to find one, even a temporary sponsor and start to work the steps, if you are serious about recovering further.

I know those steps changed me and my life. Talk with Flyerfan who just completed step 5 (and hopefully 6 & 7 as they go hand in hand with 5).

Something happens when we work those steps. Relief and then freedom, those are real.

Keep staying stopped and keep moving forward!

FredG

Get sober - get well - life follows

If you don't get your sobriety together - it's pretty much guarunteed that things will fall totally apart.

I'm guessing by reading what you said that you're in a 12 step program. Are you working your steps ? Reading the BB ? Talking to your sponsor? Going to lots of meetings?

It says that "It works, if you work it" so if you want the promises given on page 83 of the BB then you really have to work it

losingmygrip

I went to my first AA meeting at 2 months sober, I was really struggling before that. Felt like a complete loser, a failure, and the worst mother in the world. Progress began when I went to AA. You may have made some mistakes, but you have the rest of your life to make it right. My daughter was three when I got sober.

DoinThis

Keep sober and ex WILL get there, she'll have too. Time slows for us and it feels like forever but it hasn't really been that long. Keep making the time with your kid super fun and she'll be talking in 6 months and asking for Daddy! All the best

tomsteve

"So I have been working really hard to regain the trust from my ex Fiance."

is this the motive behind sobriety? 7 years into sobriety and theres still people that dont trust me. i cant blme them one bit. but i got sober for me and me alone.

"I use the group and my daughter as my higher power, but something just isn't clicking for me."
2 things on this:
1) get a higher higher power.
2) faith without works is dead.

i hope you get yer but back to meetings and do the footwork for you and you alone.
thats when things change.

headstrong

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to get my butt back to a meeting. Part of the reason I haven't been is that it took me a month to move into my apartment and I see my daughter on weekends. That doesn't mean I can't make a few meetings during the week though. It has just become less convenient since my move.

I received an awesome Father's Day gift from my ex fiance yesterday. She made me a photo book through Shutterfly from pictures over the last six months. The first four of which I didn't get to see my daughter at all. I was in tears by the time I got to the end of it. So she is coming around. I have been extremely up front and honest with her since I was able to communicate with her again. I have even been comfortable enough to ask her to drop the restraining order. She said she isn't there yet, but getting there. I don't think it will be much longer before she will be comfortable enough to let me have my daughter overnight. I am so looking forward to it.

I am pleased with my progress so far. That isn't to say there isn't room for improvement. I scheduled my first visit with a therapist on the 28th. He is an alcohol addiction specialist. Hopefully he will be able to do more for me than the AODA counselor.

In the back of my mind I still keep hope alive that I can get my family back. I have my doubts though. I do want sobriety. I can't ever go back to the way I was. I was a horrible human being. I never wanted children. My daughter was a miracle as my ex was told that she couldn't have children. I was living in Florida at the time and she was there for a five day visit when she got pregnant. She didn't realize it for a month before her friend convinced her to take a pregnancy test. Family was never important to me. Parents divorced. Brothers hated each other's guts. Mom lived in WI and dad in NC. I joined the military and moved to FL after I got out with no family within 600 miles. So I moved back to WI. The night I got here I found out I was going to be a father. It went down hill from there. I considered my daughter to be a burden. It was a horrible thing to say, I realize that now. I said that partially because I really didn't want children and partially because it would interfere with my drinking. Now that I am sober, I can say that I love my daughter to death and would do anything to spend more time with her. I guess the saying is true, you don't know what you have until you don't have it any longer.

Anyway, I don't really know where I am going with this. I do want my sobriety. Not just because it allows me to see my daughter either. I want it for me. I gave up alcohol a year ago, but it wasn't for me. It was because I was thrown in jail and just about lost my family then. I was only sober for 90 days before alcohol crept back into my life. I was told I couldn't have it. When the restraining order was files and I had to move out, I no longer had anyone to tell me I couldn't drink any longer. My aunt that I moved in with didn't know the extent of my problem. It didn't take her long to realize it though. Less than a month. So my last drink was Jan. 8th, 2012 and I did it for myself. I swallowed my ego and walked through the doors of AA for the first time. I actually enjoyed it and looked forward to going. So I do plan on going back and working the steps to the best of my ability. I'm excited to hear what my new therapist has to say too. Thanks for listening.

sugarbear1

Try to make sobriety your priority. Make time to get to a meeting for the fellowship of others in recovery and maybe to work with a sponsor to get through those steps. Things will look up for you especially when you put in the action!

headstrong

I guess I am a bit weirded out by the whole sponsor thing. That is one of the things holding me back. I had a temporary sponsor, but that is about the time I quit going. I'd have a hard time becoming best buddies with a total stranger. It takes me a long time to warm up to anyone. I'm always on guard. I couldn't pick just anyone out of the group and run with it.

artsoul

Thanks for sharing part of your journey. I think you've made a lot more progress than you're giving yourself credit for. From alcohol, jail and resenting the idea of being a father to being sober and loving your sweet little girl...... not bad!!!

Don't let the past take away the positive things that are happening in your life.
Like this quote says:
Hope the appointment with your new therapist goes well!