Sailbird

Hi All,

Today is day 12 since I stopped drinking. I'm 36 years old, and i've been drinking daily since my early 20's. In the last 2 years, I've been drinking heavily to hide my anxiety and panic attack issues.

I've been a "functional" and "successful" alcoholic for a long time. Money never been an issue, running a business, have nice cars, a boat, live on a golf course. This is easier to hide your alcoholism when you don't have to worry about career and financial issues. On top of that, my wife very patient person and for 1 year i've been planning to stop drinking.

The last weeks got out of control. I would put some vodka in spring water bottles so I could sip while I drive etc.. I was hiding my drinking pretty well.

I currently live in Mexico as an expat, I've a company here, I'm french Canadian so pardon my english.

Last month I purchased a 41 foot Sail boat in Key West, Florida. After weeks of preparation (material installed for the crossing to Mexico), I purchase my plane tickets to go get it and sail it back. Crew is scheduled to arrive a few days after me. The morning before my flight, i'm having high levels of anxiety, I take a 0.25 Xanax, and start drinking wine, at 8 AM in the morning. I finish the bottle. Basically, at 8h30 i'm already drunk. I continue drinking in the plane (business class). I arrive at my boat around 4PM, but we did a quick stop to the store with the taxi driver so I could load up on Tequila and beer.

2 days later is my birthday, and the crew arrives. I drink until I need to go to sleep.

Next day, I'm shopping for stuff for the crossing at a marine store, I start feeling a fuzzy feeling in my chest, I take my pulse, Irregular heartbeat, I start having a panic attack, thinking I'm going to die. Store clerk calls the ambulance. I get diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation at the hospital. They prescribe some meds, and tell me it's very important not to drink on the meds.

Next morning, I start drinking beer. I drink all day, nothing happens. Next day, we're 1 day from leaving Key West for a 5 day crossing of the gulf to the Cuban coast and then to Mexico. I start having that feeling in the chest again. Another episode of Atrial Fibrillation. I stop drinking, take a pill, lay down and wait patiently 2 hours for the irregular heartbeat to stop, all of this while shacking heavily.

Crew is worried, I decide that making the trip would be dangerous. Saddened, I start shopping for plane tickets, and my crew will get compensation to bring the boat without me.

Departure is scheduled for next morning.

Day of departure, problem with the current inverter, this will delay departure until 4PM. I think to myself "I've time to go to the clinic".

I run to the clinic, consult with a doctor, who by pure luck, also has atrial fibrillation, but another type. I explain to him what happened to me, and that I had drinks over the meds. I explain that would really like to do the crossing on my own sailboat, but worried about having another attack. I explain that i'm an alcoholic, and if I don't touch any drinks, if it's safe. He tells me I should be fine, since i'm young, if I don't touch alcohol. He double my dose for the a-fib issue. I explain him that I don't remember not having a drink for a day, and that I will probably freak out not drinking, but that I'm serious about my health. I ask if he can prescribe me something for "the shakes" and anxiety. He prescribes me 1mg lorazepam to help cope with withdrawal symptoms and anxiety.

I arrive at the boat just in time. We depart.

My own personal cure begins. There are no ambulances in the middle of the sea, and there's just my own personal strength that will prevent me to drink the alcohol we have on board. (The boat was packed with beer, wine etc).

From dead wind seas, to dolphins, to disturbed seas, to sea sickness (i refused to mix sea sickness meds with my medication), to crying, to laughing, I went through a huge roller coaster of self meditation, prayers, reviews of my life, constant pulse checking, high levels of anxiety, mild hallucinations, shaking. Symptoms peaked at 72 hours.

4th day was a calm sea, so I went on the back transom while we were motor sailing, started pouring water from the sea on my body, it was relaxing, than I sat there for hours, thinking. I reviewed my entire drinking life and realized that I had built my life around alcohol.

The days I made scenes at family parties, the day I spent a night in jail for racing my car drunk, embarrassing golfing buddies by playing drunk. Having to drink to get that "alcohol confidence" just for a social gathering, a game of billiard pool, a game of golf, or a sailboat race. Alcohol was everywhere in my life. I couldn't live without it. It had to be in everything. I would check the hour at which the store stop selling beer. If I ran out of my favorite drink, I would find any old **** that had been hanging in my food locker for years as long as it had alcohol in it. I would fall asleep on my desk playing games.. I stopped going to the VIP Cinema when they stopped selling beer. I couldn't stand watching a movie for 3 hours without a drink. My excuse to my wife was that we had a nice home theater at home. I always had excuses for everything, everything was covered. I always had an excuse to drink and an excuse for not doing something because of the drinks. I was smart with that. That's how I managed to remain "functional" all these years. I also usually avoided "binge drinking", until the last few months.

Anyway, I'm happy I went on my sailing trip, it was a hell of a trip, literally. It was difficult morally, but I'm so happy I did it.

12 days so far and I feel the worst is already behind me. 2 Times I woke up in the middle of the night in panic mode shacking so far, but I'm getting there. I want to be in control of myself. I can drive my car at any hour, without fear of being arrested. I can give a kiss to my wife without the smell, I can talk with other persons without talking loud and looking like a fool...

I'm claiming my life back. I'm starting a new life. I'm rediscovering self confidence, without alcohol.

Thanks for letting me vent.

PS: sorry english is my 2nd language.

LDT

Happy to hear from a fellow sailor, Sailbird. And your English is just fine! I have my share of drinking and sailing stories, too. But we'll leave that for another time.

Congratulations on your 12 days!

I'm almost 17 months sober, and I can promise you...sailing sober is so much better than sailing drunk! In fact, we will be on our boat this evening...diet coke in hand!

Jitterbugg

Thanks for your post Sailbird. And your English is better than a lot of people for who it's their first language haha. I was getting panic attacks during the height of my drinking and also had vodka in a plastic bottle with me at times. Even at work. Congrats on day 12. This is no way to live our lives...

walktheline1

Congrats on 12 days! I can really relate to your story except replace the ocean with the forest! I'm at 6 weeks and feel a lot better. I'm not 100%, but it is do nice not having to rely on a substance to make it through the day. Keep us informed how it goes and enjoy the ocean! :-)

llastchance8

It does not look like that , English is your 2nd language !! Well done !! In fact , your English is better than 70 % of people whose 1st language is English .. May be because, you have stopped drinking . Time to write some classic plays, novels and Stories , while you are still sailing .... Best of Luck .

silly

Thank you.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

Hope you will continue to live alcohol free...how fortunate you are to
have started a new future without more serious health issues

Sail on......there are so many wonderous things to do with your life
Blessings to you and your wife..
.

Sailbird

Thanks all for the support.

This morning is day 17

I'm still relying on Lorazepam 1mg, 4 times a day to go trough my anxiety and panic attacks but I'm having (mostly) functional days. I've an appointment with my cardiologist this week so this should help with the "fear of dying" related to my Atrial Fibrillation. I usually drank over my anxiety but now it's me alone with the temporary help of the meds.

Day 16th was my best day. I even cut in half my intake of lorazepam from the recommended intake. Was busy all day working on my boat. I was so happy, I thought i had beat it. Day 17, I had a panic attack at 8AM, and it's always my right arm that start to shake, I've no idea why my left arm never shakes. It calmed down, I had another panic attack around 1PM. Had more lorazepam. I usually hide in my office when having attacks cause I'm ashamed. Wife heard my deep breathing and came in to comfort me, i started crying.

I Explained I was so tired of thinking I'm going to die from a heart attack and checking my pulse every other minute, while all medics told me Atrial Fibrillation at my age is nothing and controlled with the meds I take. In fact, didn't have any episodes of cardiac arrhythmia since I stopped drinking. But I still need to see the cardiologist to convince myself that I am fine even though, many doctors told me not to worry already.

I like to self-diagnose my self, and I've had "fear of death" since I had a near death crash with a jeep about 3 years ago. Doctor told me it's called "Posttraumatic stress disorder". Anyway, at least I was sober when the crash occurred. I'm side tracking...

I sleep very early, every day, around 9 PM and I usually wake up at 5 or 5:30 AM. The moment I wake up I know it's impossible to sleep a little more.

I'm not going to AA meetings because I don't feel at home. (I'm a Canadian expat in Mexico) There are AA meetings in Mexico but I'm not Mexican, i'm pretty sure I would be warmly welcomed but can't convince myself to go. So i'm pretty much alone with my wife on this.

Few of my friends knew I was an actual alcoholic (as mentioned in initial post, I was pretty smart at hiding, with tricks like vodka in water bottles etc).

Also, friends from the marina thought I only drank at the Marina (the lies.. and I'm a very honest person normally, but for the alcohol, I did lie, for my precious), golf instructor thought I was only drinking when Golfing to ease the tension, my employees thought i was only drinking in our happy hours meetings, etc.. Fact is, I was always drinking, and I'm lying to myself I think, most people knew I was a drunk. Someone who is not an alcoholic doesn't have to justify himself when having a drink.

If I was not drinking, it's because I was doing an activity that was preventing me from drinking, such as groceries. and I remember speeding up the process so I could get home asap and get a beer.

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to buy a 12 packs of Non-Alcoholic Beer (SOL) so I could sip a few during the week (I love the taste of beer). Well, I drank the whole pack during the day, while at my desk, just as if it was real beer. And it taste like crap. My desk was full of empty cans, just like when i was drinking. No more N/A beer for me.

I've read many of your stories, lurking the forum in the past week or so. I'm more of a lurker but it feels good to post/rant from time to time, I'm grateful for this forum. Reading you guys helped me a lot and appreciate how generous you all are by sharing. Thank you.

Sapling

Congrats on 17 days...I'd be willing to bet if you looked up an English Speaking meeting there...You could meet some people and not have to do it alone...That's your call...Keep moving forward...That's what it's all about.

GoodFortune

Thanks for sharing! The thing you said about non-alcoholics not having to justify their drinking kinda hit me in the face. I am at that stage where I am really starting to realize how not normal my drinking habits have been, and what the difference between a normal person and an alcoholic is. I would always try to justify my drinking and make excuses for always ending up **** faced. I guess normal people don`t do that
Congratulations for making it to day 17! Wish you all the luck in the world!

2granddaughters

I started out that way as well but it soon became obvious that I am one of those alcoholics described in AA's "How It Works" and "The Doctor's Opinion" (Google it).
I decided that I had better "get feeling at home" at AA if I was going to survive.

Good luck in your recovery. AA will be there if you need it.

Bob R (from Montreal)

frances2011

Welcome to SR! Congrats on your sober time and safe sailing!

Glad you are here. I'm a water person too. I grew up sailing and swimming. As an adult, I feel in love with expedition sea kayaking. I spent a month on the Sea of Cortez, sleeping every night under the stars.

SR has been my primary dedicated daily support for my 15 months since I got sober. My experience is that not-drinking was only the beginning for me. Now I'm discovering all the possibilities that I can create now that I'm not focused on booze.

Fair winds and following seas to you.

LDT

I, too, suffered from massive panic attacks and A-fib while I was drinking, Sailbird. They were so bad that I thought I was having heart attacks when they hit ..... I ended up in the E.R. several times. I know how terrifying they can be. The good news is I've ony had one in the last 17 months, right after I quit drinking. I believe you will continue to feel better and better the longer you stay sober. Right now, my doctors will even say they wished they had all my "vitals". My health is great! Keep sailing sober!