Innerchild

Pls. help me from picking up. I am going through a rough time with depression my life has changed so much within past month. I moved feel so alone bc I cant hang out with my drinking friends. I was watching my sponsor water ski today and they were serving alcohol and gave me a panic attack and triggered the worst craving. Once I finally told her how I felt she was cold and minimized my feelings and I felt awful. I ask people in AA and no one seems to get these intense cravings and I feel like I have no sense of belonging. My sponsor was an emotional wreck yesterday and this morning and I was with her every step of the way helping her being her support and then she gets all cold and weird with me bc I was honest with her and said I want to drink. Its not like I am drinking and lying that I am not.

I am only forty eight days and by the 30th day it got hard and I crave it every day like my life and beat myself up over it.

Dee74

I'm sorry your struggling again IC.
It seemed like you were really feeling like you belonged in AA & getting real help - whats changed?

do you think you need help for your depression too?

D

eh1988

Hey!....sorry for taking so long to post. Kinda like what I'm going through right now, only that I made the mistake of picking up. I know the depression feeling, I also know what it feels like to have no one to talk to that has an idea of what I'm dealing with. At least on a daily basis or whenever I need help....48 days is very impressive. Remember how you got this far, how much hard work you did. It would be like cleaning your car with a full detail, waxing it and shampooing the carpet, then turning around and scratching it with your keys. Don't make the same mistake I did, drinking makes absolutely nothing better. I still feel like sh*t about my mistake.

Innerchild

I am getting help for depression too. I am doing all the right things but its still so hard and I am trying so hard to stay strong and admitting I want to drink is a huge deal for me bc if I had a craving I acted upon it.

AA helps but I do feel like the only one in the rooms who craves alcohol everyone seems to have years on me. Have AA members forgotten how hard it was to stay away from drinking or am I supposed to enter the rooms feeling wonderful completely free from the urge to pick up.

zorah

Hi InnerChild. You are not alone, remember that. I am going through the same thing except I'm receiving medical treatment for my depression (actually manic depression). It's so important to feel supported during this hard time. I haven't mastered this by any means, but I'm learning that if I'm not feeling the support and kindness (yes, kindness!) from my sponsor and others in the program, I don't belong there. Period! No need to condemn or judge; it's just a matter of what is/is not working. I've heard too many stories of people in recovery who are basically enduring their sponsors because they are too broken or intimidated to make a change. At some point, though, we alcoholics have to take care of ourselves--including our emotional well-being. keep logging on here cuz you will find many who have the same struggles as you. I am one!

Take heart and be well...

Zorah

Dee74

I don't know about the others in AA but I certainly wanted to drink a long time after I quit IC.

I figured I can't help my feelings - but the point is I did something different with them - I didn't give in...and things did get better

You're doing the same and you should be proud of that.

stepping

You are being honest about your cravings....no biggie....maybe just watch whom you share that with next time. You are more than welcome to PM me any time and tell ME!! Don't pick up Inner. Today is JUST a bad day..imagine how bad tomorrow (and probably many more days/weeks/month etc) that follow will be if you pick up. You are in control of the craving. Are you hungry? Eat something..that always makes me crave..go for a walk....TV, read? Just keep posting here!!!

:ghug3

Innerchild

Thank you Zorah. I am trying not to judge her she has been very kind to me but she has changed doesnt seem like the same person who I felt a connection with. All I hear from some of the people in AA is "you are wallowing in your own self pity". I am sorry but I am not drinking and working my ass off to better my life and I am far from perfect. My sponsor has tons of friends she can talk to I dont and now I dont feel I can open up and reveal how I feel bc I dont want to get judged.

Innerchild

Thanks Dee and Stepping. I thought about how to get that drink bc the cravings were so bad and realized I have to stay strong its just so hard dealing with all those pent up emotions that I hid with beer for so long. Thanks for understanding I wish I met more people like you guys in meetings

Uninvited

I hope you will choose not to drink.

least

Seems like your sponsor has her own 'issues'.

sissy07

Hi IC,

Maybe your sponsor is just having a bad day....you said that she has been going through a lot lately. That being said, if she continues to be cold I would talk to her about it. If that doesn't work, find another sponsor. Support is crucial, and you are shortchanging yourself if this continues.

I am sorry you are having trouble. Some days really are worse than others. And as far as expressing yourself regarding your feelings and craving, you should feel free to talk to others in AA about that! I think we all have our pity parties in the beginning (and me? after the beginning!). Turn to SR - this place has saved me.

eh1988

Yes...they do forget. I did. I went 3 months and completely forgot how hard it was when the cravings came, mostly when I was anxious. I didn't try to help anyone else once I fixed myself, that was my main problem. You have to keep reminding yourself, you have to help, you can't just get better and dump everyone that helped you...not saying that's what you're doing. Man I used to drive around with open beers in my car, go to work drunk, drinking day in and day out. How I got out of that still amazes me. I was picking up two 18 packs a day. Having the burden of waking up and stressing about how you're gonna go pick up more beer is f*cking horrible. I used to have to hop from store to store just to make me feel better that people didn't see I had a serious problem. Yea like picking up an 18 pack at 8 in the morning wasn't a sign. I was such a fool, I am such a fool for this. Don't make that mistake, you don't need alcohol, you made it this far.

zorah

Some more thoughts: besides checking out other meetings (there's quite a range as you will find), try to focus on things you love; consider what you enjoyed doing before alcohol took over your life and effectively BECAME your life. Do some pampering! What I learned is that I often do sobriety with a hammer over my own head. That seems like a guarantee for relapse doesn't it? Think of ways to treat yourself. What would be a good reward for four more hours of sobriety? A special kind of food? A night at the movies with a friend? A soak in the bathtub? Reading a good book for the evening? I would forget about future sobriety. You only have access to the present and all you're doing is stressing yourself.
re cravings: it increases when we fear and resist it. Instead, be still and let the craving be there. breathe into it (i know this sounds new age-y but it worked for me). if you just let it come, you'll find that it passes, at least for the moment. each time, you get stronger.

i understand cravings! many here do, believe me, so you're not alone. the people at your meetings should remember and have compassion. that they appear not to is concerning. craving is so fundamental in this disease.... I would check out other meetings if your circs. were mine.

zorah

Hevyn

Hi Innerchild - everyone's said helpful things already. I definitely still had cravings at 48 days. They didn't disappear for quite a few months. It takes time to get strong and heal from all we've been through. I don't understand your sponsor's attitude at all. I'm sorry you had a difficult hurdle to get over, but glad you came here to discuss it.

Congratulations on your 48 hard earned days. It will get better - promise.

2granddaughters

That's why it is suggested 90 meetings in 90 days. All days aren't good days, especially in the beginning.

Sounds like you hit the "perfect storm" for peace and serenity. This too shall pass.
Soon you will look back on this day and it will all make sense.

Keep going to your meetings ... lots of meetings. Listen and share. All will be well.

Bob R

DisplacedGRITS

Many people go through multiple sponsors before they find one they are happy with. Consider looking around. As to hanging around with people drinking, know that feeling segregated from the group is all in YOUR head. For the most part, after you decline alcohol other people think nothing of it. It's us that segregate ourselves from the fellowship of drinking friends because the alcohol is such a big deal to us. I find that my cravings get really bad when i get caught in a circular kind of thinking. I hyper focus on what's wrong with me and why can't i enjoy myself and how can all these people be having so much fun and i'm here miserable, What's wrong with me, ect...sometimes i have to brute force my way out of it by faking some fun to distract my brain then within some amount of time i've broken through the desctuctive cycle and am able to enjoy myself. It's a little "fake it 'till ya make it." Strategy.

I suffer from bipolar and when dealing with the depression i try to take a "this too shall pass" frame of mind. It's fine to feel sad. We do suffer and have every right to feel that suffering. The important thing is that we do not pity ourselves. Pity is alcohol's best friend. Self pity weakens us and makes us weak against our cravings. Cling to the knowledge that this shall pass and you will come through this stronger for having not given in to your craving. You are strong and we're always here to chat.

Anna

And, please remember you can always come here. No one will judge you for being honest and we really do understand.

Innerchild

Actually, I miscounted I am 50 days sober today. I didnt drink I watched a fascinating documentary and another woman in AA called me back and we talked for awhile. Thank you everyone for your kind supportive posts. I am slow and have no idea how to quote what you all said and respond back individually lol.

The first 30 days was a breeze but then the cravings did start. My sponsor told me I cant talk for the first 90 days but at three meetings I raised my hand and said I have a desire to drink and most of the men were the comforting ones.

I am going to try hit two meetings tonight back to back. Its hard to do 90/90 bc of rides I moved to the middle of nowhere. But, I was ruminating all day yesterday about how I miss living at the Jersey Shore next to the ocean and if I didnt **** up my life I would still be there not in the middle of nowhere so seeing and smelling alcohol just intensified my emotions.

What also hurt me is that I spent the weekend with my sponsor. I am grateful she had me over but on Sun. she had an emotional breakdown so I spent the entire day with her trying to support her then later she calls a ton of friends and tells me she feels better after talking to them but I spent the day helping her through her freak out.
We are all human, she is going through her own stuff too just felt invalidated.

I cant wait until the cravings go away. I know when a new person is in recovery not to minimize their feelings esp. when they are fighting the urge to drink.

Thanks for all of your support. You guys are great.

tomsteve

I moved feel so alone bc I cant hang out with my drinking friends.
do ya see any problems with this statement??????????

What also hurt me is that I spent the weekend with my sponsor. I am grateful she had me over but on Sun. she had an emotional breakdown so I spent the entire day with her trying to support her then later she calls a ton of friends and tells me she feels better after talking to them but I spent the day helping her through her freak out.
We are all human, she is going through her own stuff too just felt invalidated.


it is awesome you stayed the day with her all day. it helped you stay sober.
your reaction sounds rather selfish,IMO. read more on the solution starting last paragraph pg 60.
if ya felt invalidated, yer motives may have been wrong. ya stayed sober though didnt ya?

yes, we get the intense cravings. we understand. we were there. now we are here to give the solution. we dont say what a person wants to hear. we say what they need to hear and that only works iffen the person pulls the cotton from their ears and stuffs it in their mouths. gettin sober is a b**ch. stayin sober is easy so keep on trudgin and put in the footwork! millions of ex drunks in the world to prove it!