A Basic Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arnold, Md.
Posts: 7
A Basic Question
I want to give the best assistance and support to my son, who is new to treatment. Other than love and understanding, I guess more specific is what I am trying to relay, can anyone give me some ideas, so I don't get in the way?
I am also having a bit of trouble getting siblings all on the same page. Everyone wants to support, but some don't believe in the therapy given, meaning Soboxone in a small dosage. I told them, that we had to release and allow for someone else to take over for us, and trust, that their brother can pick up this lack of trust in treatment. I am giving information to educate everyone, but we have some of those stubborn ones that just don't buy it. However, my son who is in treatment, feels very good about it, and this is what is important. I am into alternative medicine, so traditional I question a lot myself, so I do understand both sides. So, I guess my question is.....for those who are in recovery....what is the greatest support you could have or did have. Thanks so much!
I am also having a bit of trouble getting siblings all on the same page. Everyone wants to support, but some don't believe in the therapy given, meaning Soboxone in a small dosage. I told them, that we had to release and allow for someone else to take over for us, and trust, that their brother can pick up this lack of trust in treatment. I am giving information to educate everyone, but we have some of those stubborn ones that just don't buy it. However, my son who is in treatment, feels very good about it, and this is what is important. I am into alternative medicine, so traditional I question a lot myself, so I do understand both sides. So, I guess my question is.....for those who are in recovery....what is the greatest support you could have or did have. Thanks so much!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome to SR!
Try Nar Anon. That is for family and friends.
Everyone will have an opinion on the treatment process. Everything from hospital detox to get off everything to subs. I have no experience on this. I have opinions.
Glad you are here!
Try Nar Anon. That is for family and friends.
Everyone will have an opinion on the treatment process. Everything from hospital detox to get off everything to subs. I have no experience on this. I have opinions.
Glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arnold, Md.
Posts: 7
Gosh Thanks!
I felt like I needed to connect. I thought like I was keeping it all together pretty well, but I am starting to question. I don't like being in that space of doubt, since then in doubting, you're not in your higher knowing. I think I have carried this burden for so many years it is flooding out of me. I find myself crying off and on, mostly gratefully since he's started treatment. I not much of a crier either, so its new. I didn't realize how much stress I had been carrying around all these years with keeping everything balanced and running smoothly, really its more like stamping out fires, and wondering why no one else in the family is doing much stamping with even their own individual fires. Family dynamics are always fascinating and complicating, and I feel like I am the observer, watching the big movie go by. I guess I must allow for everyone to deal in their own way. I read the co-dependency label. I'm a bit that, but mostly....I just want everyone to enjoy their life, and I know that is not my responsiblity, but I admit I have taken this brudenson roll on, not only for my own family, but even my own parents. I used to get mad about it, seemingly being made the general, but after great reflection, found that's all I have ever known, it was almost programmed at birth. Funny as a career, I naturally and with ease took to alternative medicine and spiritual counseling, what a set up! Perhaps as crazy as this sounds, my son's addiction will end up healing us all. As in Kahuna Healing it is taught that when a family member is sick or troubled, so is the family. Looking for better days ahead. Thank you for your kindness
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
In the beginning of my recovery, I didn't feel like I deserved support. I had been so awful to the people closest to me, that it didn't seem right to ask for their love and encouragement, so I outright rejected it. After all, I'd told them so many times before that I would get sober and then I never would. But ultimately, their belief in me and their encouragement was exactly what I needed. Having received that encouragement, it was my turn to give something back ... namely, my sobriety and my showing them that their support wasn't in vain.
I am sober now but have a husband who is still an active alcoholic. Having been there myself, I know that the worst thing I could do to him is to criticize and judge him. But I can encourage and reinforce every small attempt he makes to get sober. Positive reinforcement for the "good" behavior and withholding judgment for the bad (while still allowing the logical consequences of that behavior). People respond better to positive reinforcement than they do to punishment (even if it's deserved). One thing that IS important when dealing with an addict is boundaries, though. And making sure that you don't enable their behavior in ANY way. My husband still visits his favorite bar almost every night ... my instinct is to beat him over the head for it, but I don't because it has the opposite effect of what I want (i.e., it just makes him want to drink more). So when he arrives home, I thank him for being here and tell him that I would much rather have him home than at the bar. I include him in family activities. But if he makes bad choices, I also let him know that there will be consequences ... i.e., if he comes home late, he may find the house locked. If he gets picked up for a DUI, don't expect me to bail him out. If he comes home drunk and obnoxious, don't expect a warm welcome. Etc. It is definitely a balancing act. Your role is to set boundaries and not let him get away with unacceptable behavior while at the same time not acting like judge, jury and executioner. It is a fine line to walk, to be sure.
What is acceptable to you and what is not? Where and how can you be encouraging without being enabling? At what point do you decide that you've had enough and he is on his own? What are you realistically able to do to help, and where are you helpless? Good questions to be asking yourself right now, but the answers will guide you to whatever your role may be in this person's recovery. Don't be a doormat/enabler, but don't be a holier-than-thou figure either. Tough balance to strike, but you can do it.
I am sober now but have a husband who is still an active alcoholic. Having been there myself, I know that the worst thing I could do to him is to criticize and judge him. But I can encourage and reinforce every small attempt he makes to get sober. Positive reinforcement for the "good" behavior and withholding judgment for the bad (while still allowing the logical consequences of that behavior). People respond better to positive reinforcement than they do to punishment (even if it's deserved). One thing that IS important when dealing with an addict is boundaries, though. And making sure that you don't enable their behavior in ANY way. My husband still visits his favorite bar almost every night ... my instinct is to beat him over the head for it, but I don't because it has the opposite effect of what I want (i.e., it just makes him want to drink more). So when he arrives home, I thank him for being here and tell him that I would much rather have him home than at the bar. I include him in family activities. But if he makes bad choices, I also let him know that there will be consequences ... i.e., if he comes home late, he may find the house locked. If he gets picked up for a DUI, don't expect me to bail him out. If he comes home drunk and obnoxious, don't expect a warm welcome. Etc. It is definitely a balancing act. Your role is to set boundaries and not let him get away with unacceptable behavior while at the same time not acting like judge, jury and executioner. It is a fine line to walk, to be sure.
What is acceptable to you and what is not? Where and how can you be encouraging without being enabling? At what point do you decide that you've had enough and he is on his own? What are you realistically able to do to help, and where are you helpless? Good questions to be asking yourself right now, but the answers will guide you to whatever your role may be in this person's recovery. Don't be a doormat/enabler, but don't be a holier-than-thou figure either. Tough balance to strike, but you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arnold, Md.
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for your sharing. This helps a lot.
It is a difficult balance. My son is not unpleasant, actually he's the smiling one, which makes it even that much harder, and nice. Whats the problem then? Well, its a different kind of manipulation. It's very hard to be angry at him. Those charismic type personalities that have learned this is the magic for getting what they need. However, in saying this, he is really working hard so far, but its only been less than a month, but I do see changes for better.
It is a difficult balance. My son is not unpleasant, actually he's the smiling one, which makes it even that much harder, and nice. Whats the problem then? Well, its a different kind of manipulation. It's very hard to be angry at him. Those charismic type personalities that have learned this is the magic for getting what they need. However, in saying this, he is really working hard so far, but its only been less than a month, but I do see changes for better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
All my prayers that you and your family have peace and healing. There is a section on SR that could be good support to you during this difficult time which is below:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Living with love.
Posts: 45
Hi there, Good to see you online at SR
I don't really have family who could support me, so I'm thinking of what struck a cord with me during my early recovery;
People around me who didn't patronize me and treated me like a human being & didn't cotton wool things.
People who saw the greatness in me and believed it.
Education at Rehab.
Times when I wanted to just 'be'. No education, no lessons, no deadlines, no judgement- just sitting in the park in the sun and falling asleep These times of introspection turned out to be lesson is disguise anyway.
Keeping a journal helped for me. If your loved one is a writer maybe he could start up a blog here- even under a name you're not aware of so he won't feel (possible) self imposed pressure to censor his feelings from Mum.
Good nutrition is sooooo underrated. EG- when I ate lots of comfort food- cakes, pizza, chips,- I would feel groggy and moody and lightheaded. Yukkily resembling a hangover!!! NOT what I needed in early recovery. Probably not good for your son. Good food is gold!
People around me who gave me realistic expectations.
Remembering that there's no such thing as 'only' sober a little while. Co- dependant thinking can sometimes creep in to undermine effort. In reality, sober is sober when it comes to my recovery time. There will always be people with more sober days than I and comparing my sobriety to others' never helped. Nowadys , I think about every day as a gift. This also helped me when I had people around me thinking this way....it ties in with realistic expectation.
Remembering that balance isn't always about a see-saw effect. There's never Just up or Just down, Just happy or Just angry, Just awake or Just tired - there''s usually a grey area in between where I try and live my life in recovery that's much more fulfilling than living in extremes.......
.......having said that your son may get the tsunami of emotions in early recovery!!
Bucket loads of patience and time worked, and still continue to, work wonders for myself and every single other alcoholic/addict I've spoken to
There's most probably other stuff, but that's all I've got for now.
Take care of you!:ghug3
Luv, Love.
I don't really have family who could support me, so I'm thinking of what struck a cord with me during my early recovery;
People around me who didn't patronize me and treated me like a human being & didn't cotton wool things.
People who saw the greatness in me and believed it.
Education at Rehab.
Times when I wanted to just 'be'. No education, no lessons, no deadlines, no judgement- just sitting in the park in the sun and falling asleep
These times of introspection turned out to be lesson is disguise anyway.Keeping a journal helped for me. If your loved one is a writer maybe he could start up a blog here- even under a name you're not aware of so he won't feel (possible) self imposed pressure to censor his feelings from Mum.
Good nutrition is sooooo underrated. EG- when I ate lots of comfort food- cakes, pizza, chips,- I would feel groggy and moody and lightheaded. Yukkily resembling a hangover!!! NOT what I needed in early recovery. Probably not good for your son. Good food is gold!
People around me who gave me realistic expectations.
Remembering that there's no such thing as 'only' sober a little while. Co- dependant thinking can sometimes creep in to undermine effort. In reality, sober is sober when it comes to my recovery time. There will always be people with more sober days than I and comparing my sobriety to others' never helped. Nowadys , I think about every day as a gift. This also helped me when I had people around me thinking this way....it ties in with realistic expectation.
Remembering that balance isn't always about a see-saw effect. There's never Just up or Just down, Just happy or Just angry, Just awake or Just tired - there''s usually a grey area in between where I try and live my life in recovery that's much more fulfilling than living in extremes.......
.......having said that your son may get the tsunami of emotions in early recovery!!
Bucket loads of patience and time worked, and still continue to, work wonders for myself and every single other alcoholic/addict I've spoken to
There's most probably other stuff, but that's all I've got for now.
Take care of you!:ghug3
Luv, Love.
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