serious

just a week ago i had been alcohol-free for slightly over 10 months.

yet... i totally lost the fight, been drinking on a binge for almost 3-4 days.
i lost a dear friend and everything just came crashing down.
no sleep, obviously lots of emotion, but the worst part was that i decided to cure the pain by having a drink.
don't ask how i came to that conclusion (really i thought after so long it would somehow be easier... it's not, it's worse), but i really had nothing left. i just said "i don't care" to myself.

it's hard to believe it was so easy to break everything i worked on for almost a year.

overall my life is infinitely better because of my sobriety and all the dedication i've put in to make it happen. now i'm truly scared because i simply cannot go on without a drink (once again).

stillsleeping

Hey Serious,

I'm so very sorry about your friend. But you've decided to do without booze before and you can do it again. The idea of having to do that as well as deal with your grief must seem impossible, but it's not.

Who do you have that you can share talking about your friend with? And what are you going to do today to stay sober?

Thinking about you xxx

least

Start over. You can do this again. Just take it one day at a time and stay sober no matter what. You can do this! Don't give up!

Dee74

Hi serious

I'm really sorry about your friend too - and about your pain - but you haven;t lost 10 months - all that experience all that learned knowledge is still there...you just need to access it again

Grief is painful...but drinking on grief makes it even more painful I think because we never start to deal with our pain - we just try, with various degrees of success, to push it to one side...it never completely works. We can't learn to get through something we keep running away from...

I'm glad you're back here tho - you're not alone. I know you can do this

D

DarkDays

Really sorry for your loss and greif. You have not lost it all, you can do it. I wish you all the best.

Sapling

Sorry to hear that serious...I'd recommend finding something that gives you the tools to deal with things like that....I think that's how people manage to stay sober for lomg periods of time....At least from what I've seen. Just do what you have to do.

Bamboozle

I'm sorry for your loss, serious. Please take care of yourself and please talk to family or friends.

Every time I drank again and beat myself up for it (massive guilt trips) I always picked up again. It gave me a reason to.

Those 10 months sober didn't disappear--you've learned how to live sober for that length of time and that's very important--a lot of people don't ever quit.

Find someone or several someone's for support in this difficult time. And know that you don't have to drink to get through this.

serious

unfortunately i don't really have anyone to speak with... and that is probably or definitely part of the problem.
i talked to my brother, who knows all too well about my addiction... while it helped, i still kept on having drinks. for someone who drank daily for nearly 10 years i would say at least my tolerance is a lot less, but buying alcohol, having middle-of-the-night drinks (with little recollection) is becoming a lot deal with.
i would love to stop today, i don't know if i can.
i haven't slept in days, the emotional pain is just so much.
last time i hit rock bottom (or so i thought) i had to check myself into a hospital... really, really bad withdrawal symptoms. i surely hope it doesn't have to be this way now.

i'd love to stop today and not pick up that stupid drink, but you know that your mind must be ready. and i cannot say that i am at the moment.

LoftyIdeals

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend, serious. Significant loss is hard enough on its own without drinking. But, it's not hard to see the "f-it" side of such loss when it comes to our sobriety as well. But, here's the thing. Even in the most difficult of moments such as yours, we must selfishly remain cognizant of the need to retain our sobriety and program. I agree with Dee; your 10 months is not lost. Rather, it's diverted by an understandable human emotion, that dwarfed your need for sobriety momentarily. The fact that you are here posting shows how much you care for your sobriety. So, just put down the drink, process your grief and carry on. Sounds simple, I know. In times such as this putting one foot in front of the other can be very difficult, but you can do it.

Peace.

RevivingOphelia

You sound pretty low and desperate. I don't think you've lost that ten months--I think that is amazing and shows you have strength -- even if you don't feel it right now.

I am so sorry for the pain and loss you have experienced.

I think by posting here you know what you need to do to stop this spiral.

Wishing you health and a better sober day today if you choose.

serious

thank you, friends.

your posts are inspiring. i understand that i haven't lost it all yet, and i am not willing to give up... there are just too many wonderful things about being sober. there really are.

my heart is in the right place, i know what i must do and i know that i can (especially with your help)... yet, i cannot honestly say that i will be able to get by without a drink today.
i will try... i want to come back here to say that i am sober. i'm not going to cry over messing up, i'd rather have another 10 months sober (and another and another), than 10 years of hell that i put myself through.

Sapling

There are people you can talk to serious...That know exactly what you are going through....You just have to look for them.

Gavinandnikki

Really hoping you find the strength to regain your sobriety today. TODAY, just today, don't drink. You can survive the pain of your feelings. I know it hurts terribly. I also know a drink never made it go away. Just do it for today.
PJ

Dee74

i know it's hard to think about stopping to today serious - but every day you keep drinking makes it harder to achieve escape velocity....

Make it sooner than later, serious


D

serious

i've made an appointment to see my doc.

not really sure what the plan of action will be, but at least i'll have some professional help. my doc knows about my addiction (never lie to your doctor or your mom)... but i don't know if there really is anything he can say or do to make me stop. i just need to not have a drink.
perhaps i can go on some meds to help deal with the pain. i used to take something for my anxiety in the past... i guess whatever it is, it would be better than alcohol.

i wish i could do something today, but i would be lying. i opened the fridge to get some gatorade and out of the six pack (which i guess i bought last night) two beers are gone... i have no recollection of drinking them.

i know i am rambling on, but i guess it just helps me to make some notes for myself and maybe get things "out of my head" for a change.

LoftyIdeals

You've done the right thing, serious. Let your doc help you, and let the great folks at SR help as well. Your wisdom is shining through.

2granddaughters

serious, were you attending AA meetings?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

serious

Dee,
thank you for your kind and wise words as always.
i have found so much help in the past here at SR (i was in a lot worse of a shape when i first joined here). I am dumb for not just coming on here sooner... and "talking" about my problem. it would have saved me from that "first" drink.

for my friends who might be just lurking and reading, as cliche as it sounds... it really is only about having one drink. so if you are contemplating.... do not!

serious

i am not. i have tried AA in the past... and well, for one reason or another i could not do it (relate or feel support?). as a matter of fact it was probably my first few days of sobriety when if went, and i kind of left feeling sadder and wanting a drink. maybe the timing was wrong maybe at the point i was in a state of mind where it was very hard to hear some of the stories...
or perhaps i simply didn't give it enough of a chance.

BillyPilgrim

I wish you well serious
You can do it