Pigtails

I am feeling so stressed. This is the first real trigger I've had in a long time. I remember why I used to drink. Grrrr. As some of you know I decided to fly home to see my grandmother because she is dying. I am going tomorrow which is a good thing because I guess her condition seemed to have been getting better but now it has gotten even worse.

Now my dad's like "Did you rent a car? Because we are all too busy to pick you up at the airport." He went through a long list of what everyone was doing-- I have a bunch of people in my big family and they are all too busy to come get me. The funny thing is I had already decided to rent a car, both for my personal freedom/independence (I am hoping to be able to get to some meetings out there, the gym, and obviously back and forth to the hospital to see my grandma), and also so I wouldn't be an extra hassle or imposition on anyone. It's not that I need or want a ride. It's just that it hurts to hear that everyone is too busy to get me after I spent all day re-arranging my work and clients' schedule so that I could go out there and be with my family during this time. I also feel that I would not hesitate to get them or send someone close to get them if I couldn't, if the situation was reversed.

I know I probably have a case of the poor-me's and I'm not going to drink over it but I just feel mad and hurt and so stressed. I don't know what to say back to my dad... I just told him yes I am getting a rental car but I kind of feel like telling him that it hurt my feelings. But I guess he didn't try to and he is already upset about his mom so I don't want to make things worse. I guess I will just keep it to myself. I just feel so crappy. I am better at recognizing when my feelings are hurt and the triggers I used to drink over but I am not any closer to figuring out what to do about it (other than not drink). I feel like I never know when I should say "hey, that hurt my feelings" or when I am being over-sensitive and should just let it go.

ETA - In the past I feel like I either stuffed my feelings/let people walk all over me out of fear of voicing my feelings, or I over-reacted and went ballistic on them. I am not sure I know how to strike a happy balance. :-/

tzivia

Hi Pigtails, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. That's a rough situation for anyone, even without trying to deal with recovery too. Sound like you're in a good place though, and know what to do. I'm glad that you're not willing throw all that hard work away. Maybe try to get away for a little if you can on this trip, just doing something nice for yourself. Please stay strong, and remember we're here for you, and we're here to listen if you need to vent.

Pigtails

Thank you so much. I think I am having a little break-down and it is nice to hear some comforting words!!

Dee74

Hi PT

I don't know whether they really are all too busy or not - maybe they are? maybe not....

but if you rent a car, the problems solved and you can maintain your own independence.

I stayed stuck in the role my family made for me for many years - I find it much more beneficial for me to simply be who I am - I don't need validation from my family anymore, I try not to have too many expectations, and I politely and cheerfully, yet firmly, stick to my boundaries.

I'd remember you're there for your grandmother

D

Anna

Pigtails, prayers for your grandma!

I also had to learn how to deal with stressful situations and having my feelings hurt which was a huge trigger for me. One of the things I've learned here is to stay in my own hula hoop. When I do this, things are good. Having expectations often/always causes problems for me. So, I try to stay attuned to my feelings when I feel like I'm having expectations of someone else. And, I try to understand that a comment from someone (like your Dad's comment) is not about you, it's about him. He's anxious and busy and probably didn't give enough thought to his comment. It is no reflection on you or your place in your family.

sugarbear1

If you are in AA, try reading pages 66-67 and page 417 in the 4th Edition of the big book.

Prayers to your Grandmother, you and your family.

foodie1

Hi Pigtails, I can totally relate on the hurt feelings, then wondering if you're overreacting, then trying to process your feelings and not stuff, then

I think Dee's bit about the family roles is a golden nugget of insight, we change as we recover and grow, others may or may not change, and in ways we may or may not like.

Process your feelings and let go of what you can't control. Come here often and call supportive friends/your sponsor. Hugs!!

CaiHong

Hi Pigtails
Family is my biggest trigger. I can't offer any insights on how to deal with them, I thought of treating them like complete strangers, polite and distant.

just want to say I enjoy your posts and you often voice feelings that I am going though.

Love to you and your Grandmother

CaiHong

katrinka

I understand your hurt feelings but in this case, I think everyone probably is too busy and your dad was tactless but I wouldn't take it personally. It will be a tough visit and concentrate on just being there for your grandmother. Think how great it will be that are sober and can be there for her.