ImaSample

Hello all. I've been lurking a little since Friday, the last day I had a drink. Won't tell my whole story right now, but here's a little background on me. I've known for a while that I drink to much. I make excuses for it-- mainly that I drink out of boredom & loneliness. Honestly, that's the truth. I am a mother of 2 and my husband works LONG hours (like 60-70 hours/wk). I work full-time with only one other person (who is my drinking accomplice). Then I pick up my two very small children from daycare. God knows I love them, but they tend to stress me out from the minute we walk in the house. Every evening has the same boring routine-- RUSH to get them fed before they scream to death, bathe them, tell them "NO!" a thousand times before finally putting them to bed. Then I can finally try to relax for an hour or two before I go to bed-- and by relax, I mean drink. My husband is gone to work before I get up and I'm usually almost drunk by the time he gets home. I know he doesn't like me drinking, but like I said, I'm bored and lonely. Anyway, my habit has been getting progressively worse over recent months.

Long story short, I decided to quit drinking Friday morning. I finished the last glass of wine left and haven't had a drink in 3 days now. Surprisingly, I haven't had any bad physical side effects, a little bit of shakiness today. Emotionally, I've been a bit anxious (although I tend to have a lot of anxiety anyway) and BORED. Even went to a family event for Easter yesterday. Plenty of people were drinking and I am used to drinking with those people, but I didn't have a huge desire or craving to drink with them.

While I feel okay not drinking for now and I definitely don't want to ever get back into my old routine, I'm not ready to say that I never want to drink again. Over the past few days, I've read conflicting accounts about whether a recovering alcoholic can ever drink again safely. Is it possible or realistic to think I can "quit" drinking with the occasional exception? I would like to sit down with my husband and come up with a guideline of when and how much I can drink. Maybe we can agree that once a month, we can have one glass of wine with dinner, or something like that.

Has anyone been successful in such scenario?

GrowingDaily

When we're bored we should fill our lives with activity.
When we're lonely we should fill our lives with companionship.
When we're tired we should rest.
When we're stressed we should find ways to relax.

Drinking doesn't address any of these issues. The issues remain - we just dull ourselves to them. And in our denial, they magnify. And grow. And worsen. Until one day you wake up and find out you're a lot worse off than just a little 'bored & depressed'.

When you fill your life with the things you really need - you won't be asking how to keep drinking. Because the void you're trying to fill with alcohol won't exist anymore.
From that perspective, the question won't be "How can I drink", but rather "Why would I want to?"

Sapling

Welcome to SR ImaSample....Honest answer....I had to quit for good...All of the alcoholics I know have had to quit for good....I haven't met an alcoholic yet that went back to normal drinking....Heard crazy stories about a rare one here or there that have.....But I've never seen one.

Anna

Alcoholics cannot control their drinking.

Part of the disease of alcoholism is the mental obsession which is what you are talking about - making a plan with your husband about when you can drink.

If you're bored in the evenings, why not try to come up with some games for your children, or take them to the library and bring home books to read to them? There are so many fun things to do with small children.

Hevyn

Welcome ImaSample! I wasn't able to drink socially, but it took me many years to learn that. I never wanted to let go of it, always wanted it to be fun & exciting the way it once was - but I had become too dependent on it. It was destroying me. I tried really hard to drink only on special occasions, vacations, holidays. It never worked for me - one drink always turned into ten.

Glad you joined and are sharing your concerns with us. You're not alone.

2granddaughters

Hello Ima:
I have never met an alcoholic that could control his drinking. Have you read AA's "How It Works" ?? Can you identify with the paragraph below?

"RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought. "


"How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous, first Ed.
© Alcoholics Anonymous"


I found sobriety and peace in the fellowship of A.A.

I wish you the best in your chosen recovery program.

Bob R

regeneration

Hello, I don't know of anyone who has been successful e.g. gone back to drinking. I pondered this one myself, I didn't drink huge amounts (though it was over the limit) but I'm pretty sure that once you've drunk past a certain point in life on a consistent basis you generally can't go back.

Another thing that stops me is that I can also remember info from when I did a psychology degree and looked at brain studies on how drugs and alcohol stimulate different pathways in the brain. One of chapters said that once you've gone over a certain limit your brain pathways have been altered, and it can take at least 2 years before they go back to normal, but that this time limit wasn't guaranteed, it may be longer/depended upon the damage. This was a while ago and I've read other articles on the web to do with recovery that say if you go back and drink again your brain remembers that you used to drink a lot before.

I have no idea if that's definitely the case but I really don't want to try it out and see.

Do something about the boredom as others are suggesting.

Eliasson

I've not been successful at all, and I've tried everything, making all kinds of deals with myself and my husband, unable to stick with any of them for very long, unfortunately.
For me, the only way to be safe is to be completely abstinent. I've proven to myself over and over that I cannot control how much I drink. Besides, I rarely wanted just one glass of wine anyway. I wanted the whole bottle. Your experience may be different, but I've found that for most people who are truly alcoholics, it's not.
So glad you found SR, it has been a life line for me and I hope it will be for you, too!

Tuitiefruitie

Hi. I've been reading different posts for days. Trying to figure a lot of things out for myself. One post suggested reading Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism. I'm only on page 79, but it is giving me a new understanding of how devastating the disease is to your brain. You might want to give it a try.

hypochondriac

Welcome ImaSample

I think most people on here will tell you that this is unlikely to be successful. Me too, I could never do it. I think if you have ever drunk to excess on a regular basis your brain/body will never forget how to do this and one drink is never going to be enough.

If you want to try it though look up Harm Reduction. It's a common practice now with community care in the UK but I think that's mainly because of the dangers of withdrawal, not because it's the best idea in the world. Personally I found the idea of controlling my drinking to that extent a bit depressing. What's the point of one glass? It's much nicer to be free from that addiction rather than feeding it with the occasional glass of wine. That's how I feel anyway. I'm sure whatever you decide to do SR will be a great resource for you

harleyq

HI IamS,

It's scary when you think in terms of forever, never, etc. I not sure what's recommended to get to that level of thinking. I struggle with it too. What I've observed for people that are successfully sober is that most of them do get to the 'never' part. Never is a big deal for me, and I've relapsed thinking I had enough sober time to be a safe drinker again. WRONG! I don't think I'll ever be a safe drinker and I need to stop testing it.

seanie1888

Hi and welcome, that's the million dollar question that I think everyone on this site wishes that yes we could return to normal drinking, but I for 1 have tried but it always ends up back to same, if I have 1 then I must have 10, and next day its all that's on my mind till I get next drink. So teetotal seems to be the only way. I on 71 days today longest time I ever sober since starting to drink 20 odd yrs or so, its been a ride I can tell you but my life has got so much better, I still get tempted all the time, today and yday even. But I'm aiming for the 90 days then review all and see where I go from there. Maybe you should aim for a period of time completely free and see how you feel after that then about staying clean or going back to boozin, good luck with it.
ps, come on this site and read when you bored and lonely there is so much fantastic info that will help u.

alone84

Hi ImaSample,

I'm new here, so not sure my views/advice will be all that helpful.

I have recently come to the realisation that, although I desperately would like to be somebody who drinks socially/occasionally, it's not going to be possible.

I was so convinced that the odd glass of wine with dinner, or a night cap at the end of a long day would cause no damage, however, if I have one glass...I'll damn well drink the bottle, perhaps the next bottle too (truth be told, I'd have the whole case if nobody stopped me!).

I truly believe that once you have crossed the line & allowed alcohol to control you or certain aspects of your life, it always will...if you keep dancing with the demon.

It's sad. I must admit I have only posted for the second time today since registering nearly a year ago. I'm not sober by any stretch of the imagination...only last night was I making a complete idiot of myself & upsetting the closest people to me in my life.

Everybody here seems absolutely wonderful &, although abstinence is never going to be easy, I think their experiences & amazing advice will pull us through...here's hoping!

If you can just have that one drink, I hold my hat off to you. In all honesty, I don't think it will ever be possible to just have that 'one'.

x

vinyl

I can only share my experience, which is actually much like yours. Kids, boredom, anxiety and my past attempts at "moderation". For me, NO WAY can I ever moderate again. I've tried and failed countless times. It's not to say it didn't last for a while. There was a stretch where I was able to drink only once or twice a month. I was real proud of myself and the confidence built up and then I decided I wasn't an alcoholic at all, so I went to once a week, then twice a week, and then...boom, I'm screwing up my life again.

So no, moderation is just not possible for an extended period of time, and it only builds this false sense of confidence which in turn encourages you to just drink more. It's an endless cycle and the only way to end it is to jump off the cycle and stay sober, forever, period.

You have to quit and face life. And to be frank, life is not fun and things may not get better around you, but you'll be able to face them with clarity and deal with your life in a lucid manner. Get sober, stay sober and most importantly find a program or support to help you stay that way.

Again, that's just my experience. I'm 18 days clean now and will stay that way forever. I'm done. Join me.

ImaSample

Thank you for all of your advice. 'Depressing' is definitely the word that fits the bill when I think of never drinking again. Feels like my best friend just died. I've been in an anxiety attack for about an hour now just thinking about it. The anxiety has actually made me nauseated.

DH asked me to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from picking up the kids. That one-item stop is usually my excuse to pick up a bottle of wine. I asked him if he would mind me getting a pack of O'Doul's. He wouldn't let me. I was nearly in tears walking into the grocery store.

BUT, I put on my big girl panties. I passed my usual wine spot and got a 12 pack of Diet Ginger Ale instead. I'm proud of myself for such a seemingly small feat.

Home now. Kids are already stressing me out-- trying to gobble up all the Easter candy, lol.

Trying to breathe through this anxiety one breath at a time.

alone84

Hey, well done, you!

Honestly I relish the thought of NEVER drinking again about as much as I do the thought of ironing! But, I relish the thought of NEVER feeling as bad as I do after drinking so, so much.

I think it is exactly like a friend passing/moving away...but maybe it's time to look back fondly (or realistically) then make new friends? Sorry, perhaps a bad way to look at it?

BillyPilgrim

Imasample
I am afraid I am with the opinion you have to give up for good
That will sound daunting and not what you want to hear
I dont look at the fact I am never going to drink again
I just am not going to drink today
I will say that tomorrow
and tomorrow
and so on

DarkDays

Has anyone been successful in such scenario?

Err probably not, if you try and drink occasionally as you suggest, you will be come obsessed with it and even more trapped in the dark alcohell prison.

Not drinking at ALL is a million times easier than the moderating torture, free yourself from it forvever, its liberating.

langkah

It shouldn't be a surprise to you that you got these answers. It's fairly common knowledge and not a surprise.

Newcomer alcoholics normally figure they are different and special and can drink using various games that don't work out. After a few dozen or hundreds of those lessons they then are comfortable telling new alcoholics when they ask that they won't be able to do that successfully. Of course the new alcoholics don't listen because they are different and special.

Can tell you it's waaaaay better to be on this side of the discussion than the one asking the usual questions. Hope you're fortunate during your upcoming adventures and make it to this side someday.

When will you start your 1 drinkie a month plan?

eJoshua

In my experience, no. If you could control your drinking then your drinking wouldn't be out of control.