Question every newbie must ask??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 6
Question every newbie must ask??
Hi Folks,
I'm new, here just registered so fresh out the box. I don't even know if I'm in the right place. If you fancy a read at my story then please read on.
I'm 32 married with two kids 6 & 2, decent job that is stressful at times and I work long hours.
The way I drink now is the way I've drunk for years. I don't drink every day and never drink if I'm working the next day so often don't drink for 3-4 days at a time.
I do like a bottle of wine at night 2 or at most 3 times a week. Mainly to chill after a hard day at the office or a stressful day with the kids. Some times at work or with the kids I'm thinking never mind get some quiet time with a nice drink tonight or tomorrow. I often feel slightly under the weather in the morning after having a bottle of wine.
When me and the wife go out for a night we often share a bottle of wine over dinner and have a beer or two also before stopping on coffees.
The trouble starts when I go out with friends or work mates which is maybe once a month. Then maybe 8-10 of us go out with the sole purpose of drinking, mainly beer. I often start drinking pints of lager on these nights and just can't stop, one leads to another, I often say or do things I regret and never remember anything in the morning till the wifes says " you were in some nick last night". I then spend the next day or two feeling terrible both physically and mentally vowing to never drinking again. Then a few days go and by then feeling much better I again enjoy a quiet bottle of wine again.
Ideally I would quit the drinking binges and revert to a more occasional bottle of wine either in the house or out at dinner with the wife. The main problem with that is that all my friends do and expect me to continue with these once a month sessions. I enjoy them too at the time, but always regret them afterwards.
So back to the title of my post - the question. Do I have a drink problem or do I just need to reduce the occasional bottle of wine during the week and try and control or eliminate these binge sessions. Or would this drinking pattern put me at risk of much bigger problem and I should stop right away and join an AA group etc.
I have also suffered stress and depression over the last year which is a bit better at the moment compared to other times. Our two year old is a hard work toddler combined with work pushed me towards the edge at times.
Well thats's the story over. Nice to meet you all!!!!
I'm new, here just registered so fresh out the box. I don't even know if I'm in the right place. If you fancy a read at my story then please read on.
I'm 32 married with two kids 6 & 2, decent job that is stressful at times and I work long hours.
The way I drink now is the way I've drunk for years. I don't drink every day and never drink if I'm working the next day so often don't drink for 3-4 days at a time.
I do like a bottle of wine at night 2 or at most 3 times a week. Mainly to chill after a hard day at the office or a stressful day with the kids. Some times at work or with the kids I'm thinking never mind get some quiet time with a nice drink tonight or tomorrow. I often feel slightly under the weather in the morning after having a bottle of wine.
When me and the wife go out for a night we often share a bottle of wine over dinner and have a beer or two also before stopping on coffees.
The trouble starts when I go out with friends or work mates which is maybe once a month. Then maybe 8-10 of us go out with the sole purpose of drinking, mainly beer. I often start drinking pints of lager on these nights and just can't stop, one leads to another, I often say or do things I regret and never remember anything in the morning till the wifes says " you were in some nick last night". I then spend the next day or two feeling terrible both physically and mentally vowing to never drinking again. Then a few days go and by then feeling much better I again enjoy a quiet bottle of wine again.
Ideally I would quit the drinking binges and revert to a more occasional bottle of wine either in the house or out at dinner with the wife. The main problem with that is that all my friends do and expect me to continue with these once a month sessions. I enjoy them too at the time, but always regret them afterwards.
So back to the title of my post - the question. Do I have a drink problem or do I just need to reduce the occasional bottle of wine during the week and try and control or eliminate these binge sessions. Or would this drinking pattern put me at risk of much bigger problem and I should stop right away and join an AA group etc.
I have also suffered stress and depression over the last year which is a bit better at the moment compared to other times. Our two year old is a hard work toddler combined with work pushed me towards the edge at times.
Well thats's the story over. Nice to meet you all!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome marco...All I can tell you as a long time alcoholic is it is a progressive disease..Or sickness...Or whatever you want to call it....The binges start getting closer and closer together...One bottle turns into two..That kind of progressive...If you can connect the troubles in your life to your drinking....I'd look into it...For me AA was the way to go...It can't hurt you to drop in on a few meetings and listen to some alcoholics talking about alcoholism...It's free.
JEANS
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Manchester
Posts: 132
Welcome marco.
It sounds like alcohol is an issue for you in certain situations but as Sapling says, it is progressive. Also, it's a depressant and it makes life a lot harder to deal with.
I found this site very helpful, I read almost every single post and it helped me to see that I am an alcoholic.
I hope you find the site as helpful as I have. Good luck for the future and keep posting
It sounds like alcohol is an issue for you in certain situations but as Sapling says, it is progressive. Also, it's a depressant and it makes life a lot harder to deal with.
I found this site very helpful, I read almost every single post and it helped me to see that I am an alcoholic.
I hope you find the site as helpful as I have. Good luck for the future and keep posting
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
It was suggested to me that if you think there's a problem with alcohol, stop drinking it. If life is okay, alcohol was the problem. If you stop and life sucks, there's a new solution available (AA, AVRT, SMART, or some other program of recovery).
Only you can decide if you have a problem, but if you don't want any headache or hangover (alcohol withdrawal), stop drinking.
Glad you are here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Personally, I think when you're using alcohol to cope with a hard day at work and/or a toddler at home, that's bad news. It's self-medicating with alcohol and it's a very slippery slope. There are healthy ways to deal with work and kids such as exercise, meditation, yoga, music. Only you can decide whether or not you have a problem with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
'The main problem with that is that all my friends do and expect me to continue with these once a month sessions'
I can sympathise with this bit. I thought that my drinking friends wouldn't like me sober. Turns out the ones that are decent human beings will never give you a hard time about not doing something which has negative consequences for you, and to be honest, if I don't make a fuss about not drinking most people don't even notice.
Have a good read round here and you'll probably notice that the one common theme is that very few people have managed to control their drinking. Although you're not drinking all the time it is clear that you see your drinking as a problem. Have you considered abstaining for a bit to see how you feel? I haven't drank in 3 weeks and have come to realise that alcohol actually caused me more problems than I originally gave it credit for!
I can sympathise with this bit. I thought that my drinking friends wouldn't like me sober. Turns out the ones that are decent human beings will never give you a hard time about not doing something which has negative consequences for you, and to be honest, if I don't make a fuss about not drinking most people don't even notice.
Have a good read round here and you'll probably notice that the one common theme is that very few people have managed to control their drinking. Although you're not drinking all the time it is clear that you see your drinking as a problem. Have you considered abstaining for a bit to see how you feel? I haven't drank in 3 weeks and have come to realise that alcohol actually caused me more problems than I originally gave it credit for!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
As others have said, alcoholism is progressive.
I didn't think my drinking behavior at 32 was too bad. By 42 it had gotten worse. Now I've broken the 50 year milestone, and thankfully I'm sober. Looking back I sure wish I would have quit at 32.
I didn't think my drinking behavior at 32 was too bad. By 42 it had gotten worse. Now I've broken the 50 year milestone, and thankfully I'm sober. Looking back I sure wish I would have quit at 32.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Hi Marco,
It sounds like you and I have a lot of the same problems. You have to answer for yourself if you have a drinking problem; nobody (besides maybe your wife) can do that for you. I hope you find the answer that you are looking for.
It sounds like you and I have a lot of the same problems. You have to answer for yourself if you have a drinking problem; nobody (besides maybe your wife) can do that for you. I hope you find the answer that you are looking for.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the great advice folks, I'm going to hang around here for sure and maybe get to know some people.
I think a period off the drink altogether is the best course of action right now and try to find something else to do at night times. None of these sessions planned anytime soon so the perfect time to start.
I'm just about to finish work 7pm Uk. Been here since 6.15am so been a long day. Normally would be having a good bottle tonight as off tomorrow but not going to bother this time.
Best wishes to you all!
I think a period off the drink altogether is the best course of action right now and try to find something else to do at night times. None of these sessions planned anytime soon so the perfect time to start.
I'm just about to finish work 7pm Uk. Been here since 6.15am so been a long day. Normally would be having a good bottle tonight as off tomorrow but not going to bother this time.
Best wishes to you all!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Welcome to the family.
I found my life improved a lot after giving up drinking. And my depression got a lot less. After over two years sober I don't miss it at all.
See how you feel after a month or so sober. You'll save money and not wake up feeling horrible and full of regret.
I found my life improved a lot after giving up drinking. And my depression got a lot less. After over two years sober I don't miss it at all. See how you feel after a month or so sober. You'll save money and not wake up feeling horrible and full of regret.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Firstly, welcome to SR you will find a lot of support here.
Here is my simple answer... If alcohol is causing problems &/or having negative effects in your life then you have a problem with alcohol.
The great news is you can change this & live a great sober life (it takes a lot of effort & commitment)
We are are here to support you, take care ~ NB
you will find a lot of support here.Here is my simple answer... If alcohol is causing problems &/or having negative effects in your life then you have a problem with alcohol.
The great news is you can change this & live a great sober life (it takes a lot of effort & commitment)
We are are here to support you, take care ~ NB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 135
Progressive illness that makes you pay dearly.
At 19, in college, all is good. At 29, good job, single all is pretty good.. At 39, intoxicated so often that I married a woman I would never even date without being under the influence. Have a child with a woman that is unable to take care of herself, much less my only child. At 49, good job, child living with a psychopatch, and paying daily for my mistakes for the rest of my life. Not only has drinking impacted my life, it has done so to my only child by placing her in a situation where she can not excel. Hurting myself I can handle. Damaging my childs future by placing her "best interests" with the sickness that is an ill mother and Domestic relations court, life altering.
Alcohol misuse over time makes you pay in ways that hurt many more people than just yourself.
Stop before you start impacting too many others for their futures. They do not deserve that burden.
Maybe 50 is the magic number.
At 19, in college, all is good. At 29, good job, single all is pretty good.. At 39, intoxicated so often that I married a woman I would never even date without being under the influence. Have a child with a woman that is unable to take care of herself, much less my only child. At 49, good job, child living with a psychopatch, and paying daily for my mistakes for the rest of my life. Not only has drinking impacted my life, it has done so to my only child by placing her in a situation where she can not excel. Hurting myself I can handle. Damaging my childs future by placing her "best interests" with the sickness that is an ill mother and Domestic relations court, life altering.
Alcohol misuse over time makes you pay in ways that hurt many more people than just yourself.
Stop before you start impacting too many others for their futures. They do not deserve that burden.
Maybe 50 is the magic number.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
You're right. Everyone with a drinking problem does need to ask the question: is this something I can address by cutting down, or must I quit entirely?
I think it is safe to say that on this website you will generally meet people who have decided it is better to quit.
For me, that decision was made because of the simple fact that the cutting down strategy--which I tried repeatedly--did not work. So I decided to quit, and for me, the decision was as straightforward as "I will not drink again in this lifetime, and I will not change my mind."
It took some work to integrate that decision into my life, develop better coping strategies, etc. but it was worth it. I did not find AA useful in that process, although some do. My own preference for recovery support groups is SMART Recovery.
I think it is safe to say that on this website you will generally meet people who have decided it is better to quit.
For me, that decision was made because of the simple fact that the cutting down strategy--which I tried repeatedly--did not work. So I decided to quit, and for me, the decision was as straightforward as "I will not drink again in this lifetime, and I will not change my mind."
It took some work to integrate that decision into my life, develop better coping strategies, etc. but it was worth it. I did not find AA useful in that process, although some do. My own preference for recovery support groups is SMART Recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 96
Hi Marco,
This was me 10 years ago before I progressed into a 6 am vodka drinker ... not saying that is you but there are many of us here that went from social to problem to fuggit, I'll drink whenever I want to regardless of family, work, a day previously planned, etc.
As many have suggested, try not drinking for 90 days and see how you feel.
Remember you are the master of your own destiny and that you don;t need to drink at the sessions (be the designated driver = making new friends!) or don't go ... you are not forced to be there.
Also, living without alcohol is not such a bad thing. There are many who do so and did not have alcoholism as a catalyst to stop drinking. This was a major stumbling block for me imaging life without the 'magic stuff' .... no question, my quality of life is much improved sober.
You've made a huge step by discussing how you feel and your circumstances, there is a lot of wisdom here and many opportunities to learn about this affliction as well as how to 'seek help if it is sought'.
Let us know how you get on.
This was me 10 years ago before I progressed into a 6 am vodka drinker ... not saying that is you but there are many of us here that went from social to problem to fuggit, I'll drink whenever I want to regardless of family, work, a day previously planned, etc.
As many have suggested, try not drinking for 90 days and see how you feel.
Remember you are the master of your own destiny and that you don;t need to drink at the sessions (be the designated driver = making new friends!) or don't go ... you are not forced to be there.
Also, living without alcohol is not such a bad thing. There are many who do so and did not have alcoholism as a catalyst to stop drinking. This was a major stumbling block for me imaging life without the 'magic stuff' .... no question, my quality of life is much improved sober.
You've made a huge step by discussing how you feel and your circumstances, there is a lot of wisdom here and many opportunities to learn about this affliction as well as how to 'seek help if it is sought'.
Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
I can't remember anything good happening after two drinks. But then again......I got to the point where I couldn't remember anything period after two drinks. Pay attention to the little voice inside. It's there for a reason.
13 months and 19 days sober.....but who's counting
13 months and 19 days sober.....but who's counting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the advice so far it's been good to get so many thoughts.
Since I posted I have not one drink and I'm now on nights till the weeknd so want have the opertunity.
That will means I have went a full week without a drink. I don't think I have done that for many years. I was very tempted on Monday and Tuesday night, more through boredom than anything else. Mindset was this is your night off you have worked all weekend chill out time have a bottle of wine, its what you normally do. Shopping trip with the wife on Tuesday in the city and the wife says will we take the train so we can go for lunch and have a glass of wine?, no I said I'll drive, big change there. Would normally have jumped at the chance. I also thought on Mon and Tue night about missing the chance to have a drink when abstaining. We voice saying " well if you don't have a drink now you won't get one till the weekend". I didn't though. We have baby sitters planned for Friday night this week. Normal routine would be romantic dinner with wine followed by cinema them taxi home. I have said I will take the car and miss the wine, my wife thought this was very strange, even said " it's nice to share a bottle of wine" i agree it is and if it was just the once a month bottle of wine with dinner then it wouldn't be a problem.
If you remember it's the bottle of wine 2 or 3 times a week that needs to stop plus the bender sessions with the mates once a month. "holdfold" is right I don't need to go on these days. I've proved this week that I don't need the 2 or 3 bottles of wine like I normally do. I felt great getting up on my days off with a clear head, taking the kids to school etc, feeling fine all day. To think i was giving that up for two hours in front of the TV drinking large glassess of vino seems a bit nuts but only done it one week so far so not all over by any means.
A bit about the darker side of my past that I didn't want to say at the beginning due to the fear of being judged. This is what I'm probably more afraid of than the way I'm currently drinking.
When I was eight my mother left the house to go with a new partner leaving us with Father
Father couldn't handle it and hit the bottle. He married an alcoholic who was a nasty bit of work with a drink in her.
He ended up in the gutter and I haven't seen him in 20+ years. She ended up dead within a few years of meeting him.
My sister and I went to live with grandparents and everything was sweet for a while.
My mum then came back on the seen with her new partner, got a house near my grandparents and to cut a long story short we moved back in with her and her new husband. However he turned out to be a nasty alcoholic who treated my mum terribly and never got on with me. He is dead now through drink died age 59. I moved out at 19 having finished school and landed a half decent job thanks to my grandad. I also met a nice girl who I married and am still with 13 years later.
As I say I don't want to put my family through what i went through as it isn't a nice place to go. My moods and depression I'm sure stem from this stuff and sometimes I just feel confused by life. There are many positive days were I feel great and can take on the world, career has shown that having done very well over the last few days. However there are bad days and they were getting more frequent at the end of last year where i wanted to run away and drink myself into oblivion not giving a toss about anybody or anything. I never actually did that, just voices in my head. I would just go into moods and sulk and be nippy to the kids or my wife if the agravated me. I saw the doctor and he diagnosed stress and depression along with anxiety. I took two weeks of work and really didn't feel much better after it. The bad days seem to have backed off a bit again recently but not altogether.
I think the 2 or 3 bottles of wine each week wern't helping with that. Been a bit clearer this week without it.
Anyway that's me in a nutshell.
Marco
Since I posted I have not one drink and I'm now on nights till the weeknd so want have the opertunity.
That will means I have went a full week without a drink. I don't think I have done that for many years. I was very tempted on Monday and Tuesday night, more through boredom than anything else. Mindset was this is your night off you have worked all weekend chill out time have a bottle of wine, its what you normally do. Shopping trip with the wife on Tuesday in the city and the wife says will we take the train so we can go for lunch and have a glass of wine?, no I said I'll drive, big change there. Would normally have jumped at the chance. I also thought on Mon and Tue night about missing the chance to have a drink when abstaining. We voice saying " well if you don't have a drink now you won't get one till the weekend". I didn't though. We have baby sitters planned for Friday night this week. Normal routine would be romantic dinner with wine followed by cinema them taxi home. I have said I will take the car and miss the wine, my wife thought this was very strange, even said " it's nice to share a bottle of wine" i agree it is and if it was just the once a month bottle of wine with dinner then it wouldn't be a problem.
If you remember it's the bottle of wine 2 or 3 times a week that needs to stop plus the bender sessions with the mates once a month. "holdfold" is right I don't need to go on these days. I've proved this week that I don't need the 2 or 3 bottles of wine like I normally do. I felt great getting up on my days off with a clear head, taking the kids to school etc, feeling fine all day. To think i was giving that up for two hours in front of the TV drinking large glassess of vino seems a bit nuts but only done it one week so far so not all over by any means.
A bit about the darker side of my past that I didn't want to say at the beginning due to the fear of being judged. This is what I'm probably more afraid of than the way I'm currently drinking.
When I was eight my mother left the house to go with a new partner leaving us with Father
Father couldn't handle it and hit the bottle. He married an alcoholic who was a nasty bit of work with a drink in her.
He ended up in the gutter and I haven't seen him in 20+ years. She ended up dead within a few years of meeting him.
My sister and I went to live with grandparents and everything was sweet for a while.
My mum then came back on the seen with her new partner, got a house near my grandparents and to cut a long story short we moved back in with her and her new husband. However he turned out to be a nasty alcoholic who treated my mum terribly and never got on with me. He is dead now through drink died age 59. I moved out at 19 having finished school and landed a half decent job thanks to my grandad. I also met a nice girl who I married and am still with 13 years later.
As I say I don't want to put my family through what i went through as it isn't a nice place to go. My moods and depression I'm sure stem from this stuff and sometimes I just feel confused by life. There are many positive days were I feel great and can take on the world, career has shown that having done very well over the last few days. However there are bad days and they were getting more frequent at the end of last year where i wanted to run away and drink myself into oblivion not giving a toss about anybody or anything. I never actually did that, just voices in my head. I would just go into moods and sulk and be nippy to the kids or my wife if the agravated me. I saw the doctor and he diagnosed stress and depression along with anxiety. I took two weeks of work and really didn't feel much better after it. The bad days seem to have backed off a bit again recently but not altogether.
I think the 2 or 3 bottles of wine each week wern't helping with that. Been a bit clearer this week without it.
Anyway that's me in a nutshell.
Marco
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome marco!
I'm glad you're looking at this now (it's true what they say about things only getting worse). I drank a lot like you, and found that when I got sober I had so much less anxiety, depression and irritability. It's also nice to be free of having to think about it, plan it, try to control it, etc......
Glad you're here!
I'm glad you're looking at this now (it's true what they say about things only getting worse). I drank a lot like you, and found that when I got sober I had so much less anxiety, depression and irritability. It's also nice to be free of having to think about it, plan it, try to control it, etc......
Glad you're here!
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