AndreTT

How do you choose a sponsor?
Recently I have had one guy with 50 days of sobriety offering to sponsor me.
It didnt look like a good idea to me. Also, I suspect that he himself hasnt gone through the Steps.
I said that I would think about it.
I'm kind of affraid to say no, thinking that I would miss an oportunity of recovery. Maybe I'm also affraid of letting the guy down, of being arrogant rejecting an sponsor offer.

It also doesnt seem like there is many people with good recovery in that group, which seems to be quite unstable.

Well I would like some feedback if you can...thanks in advance!

langkah

No hard rules on it. What seems to work well is years sober, has taken the steps, shows up regularly, seems comfortable and has a stable sober life that is working without heavy drama, and understands the sponsor/sponsee relationship. You don't want to be some new guy's sponsorship experiment, and it's fine to be blunt to the new guy if need be.

Sapling

I asked a speaker I heard in rehab and he told me....Like Langkah said...Look for someone that looks comfortable..Talks about recovery...How they are content with life..The steps...The book...Shows up regularly and has had his own sponsor...That means he's willing to listen to others...He also told me it's OK to approach the person...(It took me two meetings to find the one I wanted to ask.) and say you are looking for a temporary sponsor...In case it doesn't work out...You're not a good mix....No hard feelings...I went up to mine after a meeting...Said I'm looking for a sponsor to take me through the steps...We went for coffee...He recommended being my temp sponsor...I liked that...He talked how his sponsor was a real steps by the book guy..I liked that...Talked about our pasts and got to work...He's still my sponsor today...I don't talk to him every day...We keep in touch and check up on one another...He's a good dude and he'd do anything for me if I needed it...And I would for him. Just a friend.

Sapling

Oh...And that guy that's looking for sponsees at 50 days...You probably won't even see him next week.

keithj

Look for someone who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps, and has the time and willingness to work with others.

When I was ready to accept what AA could offer, I sought out a guy who spoke often about the hopelessness of alcoholism, and the Steps we took to recover from that. Like Sapling said, he had an ease and comfort about him. Beyond that, I didn't like the guy much (at first), but he was sharing a very simple message of how to recover by following the clear cut directions that lead to tapping into a power greater than myself.

desertsong

I was always told to look for someone who had what I wanted. I also wanted someone my own age. I chose a lovely woman with almost 2 years of sobriety and we hit it off immediately. But I'm sorry to say, she was not there for me. While very willing and very helpful in the beginning, I think she was taking on more than she could handle because she also had two other sponsees and was working too. I'd call her and hardly ever get her to answer the phone; sometimes she'd call me back, sometimes she wouldn't. I'd get frustrated and just not call her and she wouldn't call me either. When we did manage to get together, it was great and she shared a lot of wisdom with me. She said a lot of things that I needed to hear. But it was the "getting together" that was the tough part. While I still consider her a good friend, I had to remind myself that this is life and death for me, and I have to have someone who is going to be there for me. Period.

I can also be rather lazy and get distracted from things, so I need a sponsor who is going to kick me in the butt when I don't do what I'm supposed to; calling her, doing my step work, going to meetings, etc.

I ended up getting a new sponsor early this week. She is older than I am, and has 25+ years of sobriety. She was the person I connected with when I called the AA hotline a few months ago, and she was also the one who took me to my first meeting. Since I first met her, I found myself calling her more than I called my former sponsor when I needed help. She is wise, she is tough, she is experienced, and she is encouraging and loving. AND available. I can see in her how the program works. While she isn't the kind of sponsor I thought I would want in the beginning, she has turned out to be EXACTLY what I need.

I'd say look for that person who is a walking advertisement for how the steps work. Someone with a fair amount of sobriety under their belt. Someone you feel you can connect with and trust. Someone who has what you want. Don't take forever to choose, but do take your time. It's worth it.

DayTrader

Andre.....there's a quasi-AA section on this board where most of the experience AA folks hang out: Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information If you do a quick search, there are a lot of threads about how to find and choose a sponsor. IMO, the best sponsors will tell you that they're your sponsor.....those are the folks serious about working the program. Sadly, this doesn't happen nearly as often as it should...or as often as it used to.

RobbyRobot

Its even more important to be your honest self when working with and choosing a sponsor. Dont fear being right upfront and clear with your sponsor. Dont let friendship or social standing interfere or take presidence over your working of the 12 steps. Dont concern yourself for your sponsors particular personality ie really totally examine his / her working of those twelve steps as described thru the Big Book. Period. Do they walk their talk? Do they live and let live? Do they have more of what you want? Can you pass on what they are giving to you?

And finally -- sponsors are a support and guide to help their sponsee's come into their own while working those 12 steps. Having a sponsor is a choice and never a requirement ongoing forever after unless that is your desire. Once you have found yourself living a sober life as was promised would result from living the program you decide when recovered is recovered. For me recovered means I'm done with being sponsored -- but I'm not the usual common example of AA. I have found most persons who desire to have sponsors continously are also persons who have some kind of history of previous drinking while attending AA. I never had another drink after my first AA meeting. I know without a doubt AA has worked for me, and still does, so I dont need a sponsor telling me how to understand what I already understand -- but that's me.

Good thread, eh.

Lily

This post made me think back at my past sponsors. One in particular (who I didn't utilize for very long) was shocked when I shared of my past endeavors. She had like 26 yrs clean but got clean when she was 18 and she also had sooo many issues in her life and even on her FB she had written, "Does not play well w/ others." under her about me section.

So, then I found someone normal and is working toward getting better. ! you have to admit that sometimes 12 step groups are not a hot bed of mental health, but if you look around a bit you will find someone who will work out for you!

Blessings, Lily

stugotz

Very true that the rooms of AA/NA arent exactly the most stable cross-section of society. That being said, it is in those same rooms that the most grounded folks in recovery can be found.

Sapling

You can say the same thing about where they came from...Just think about the bars you used to hang around in...

stugotz

I was and now am one of them. Just sayin...

sugarbear1

If they've been through the steps more than one time, they walk the talk (act in the manner in which they say they do while sharing), and have spirituality qualities that you want to have, too. I wouldn't ask anyone with less than 6 months, AA has changed since it's beginning. 50 days is precarious, but might be doable, if they've worked the steps into their life, but it takes conscientious practice on a daily basis. Keep 'em as a friend, they know how to get to 50 days....