12skiptomylue

I'm new here. I don't really know what the trigger warnings are here, or if I'm not supposed to talk about drinking at all. I guess I'm just trying to explain my situation. I don't know if I am overreacting, or if I really have a problem.

This is the thing. I have a severe anxiety disorder. Pretty much all of them: panic, generalized, social. Yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and yes, I'm on meds that are supposed to help. But, for quite a while, I have been drinking in the evenings to feel relaxed. I know that is technically alcohol abuse or misuse, or whatever. When you are needing alcohol to feel a different way. What makes me a little nervous is the fact that sometimes, I will want a beer at ten am or something like that. I've never "craved" alcohol before, but lately, I have been. Also, anytime I am invited somewhere, I think, "can I get alcohol there?". Even if it's offered, I don't always drink though. But if it's not offered, I sometimes think, "should I drink before I go?". I think that, but I don't do it.

Also, I know, one hundred percent, that I could take a break from drinking. And I know that almost every alcoholic has said, "I can quit anytime, I just don't want to". But I think in my case, it's true. I am not physically dependent on it. There are times that I go a week without drinking. It used to be more than that, but a week is probably the longest I've went in the last few months.

I don't know. I'm just confused I guess. I don't know if it's a "problem" or not. Is it so wrong to want to have a couple drinks after a hard day? I don't know. And, I'm a bit of a light weight, so it usually only takes two pints to get me tipsy/drunk.

I NEVER mix alcohol and my meds. The problem is that if I don't take my evenings meds and drink instead, I fall asleep great, but I wake up at one or two in the morning with BAD anxiety. End up taking the meds then, and then sleep until eleven or twelve. The smart thing to do is not drink and then take the meds instead. But for some reason, I prefer the alcohol.

I discussed this with my therapist today. She agreed that I am using the alcohol to cope. However, she didn't seem really concerned about it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she just didn't want to come off as judgemental. I don't know.

I am feeling resistant to wanting to stop because it makes me feel better. And I don't have any negative effects of it. It has never effected school or work or my social life. The only issue it does create is that I often don't sleep thru the night if I don't take my sleeping meds, which I won't take if I had more than one drink. My psych. told me I can still take it if I have had one drink, but not more.

I feel like I'm rambling. I know I tend to create problems when things are going too well in my life. Although, things aren't really going that well right now, so I don't know why I would be making something up. I know this has been an issue in the past, and I always snap out of it and go back to drinking a "normal" amount, and only socially. This time does feel a little different, but it could just be that I have anxiety about my drinking when it's not really needed. I really don't know. I'm not trying to justify it or excuse it. I just really don't know.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

I had to laugh a little bit when I read this, because you're right that many alcoholics say that, and many also qualify it exactly as you did.

I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, that's not really my decision to make. In the end it doesn't really matter, IMO. What really matters is: are you going to drink again, and if not how are you going to back up that decision?

It sounds like you are abusing alcohol, even by your own admission. The natural thing for someone to do when they are in that position then would be to cut back on drinking or stop drinking. Stop abusing alcohol. If you find you are unable to stop then you may discover the problem is worse than you anticipated.

Regardless, the answer is the same: don't abuse alcohol any longer.

Something else to consider would be the interaction between alcohol and the medications you are taking for your social anxiety. If you haven't brought that up with your doctor you may want to ask them, since the effects of many psychiatric drugs are negated by alcohol use.

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome again, if you decide to quit you'll find quite a bit of support here.

langkah

'And I know that almost every alcoholic has said, "I can quit anytime, I just don't want to". But I think in my case, it's true. I am not physically dependent on it. There are times that I go a week without drinking. It used to be more than that, but a week is probably the longest I've went in the last few months.'

Good thing you can just decide easily to quit, sounds like for your health you should do that if you want to and think it may help you.

If you find you can't go a year after deciding you're not going to drink anymore...whoa, that's a whole other animal then.

Since you're down to being able to go only a week now and you've drank your tolerance away, setting your goal to not drink for a whole year to prove there's no problem here should make the point of where you're actually at pretty quickly for you.

It's always good to know where we really stand, as opposed to what we'd like to believe is so.

Terminally Unique

I suggest you get this 'coping' idea out of your head immediately, and that you stop listening to therapists who have never been hooked on anything stronger than Starbucks Coffee about how alcohol dependence manifests. As long as you believe that alcohol is medicine, and that you are using it to 'cope', you will keep taking it, most likely in a destructive fashion. The alcohol is aggravating, if not outright causing, your anxiety. At the very least, you can forget about ever treating that anxiety if you continue to drink, since no psychiatric medication on Earth will work with alcohol negating it.

Read the following book, which is available at most public libraries, certainly from booksellers like Barnes & Noble or Amazon. I personally do not agree with the author's conclusion that alcoholism is a disease, but the book is nevertheless very concise and readable, and has a good description of how this thing usually progresses.
If, after reading it, a light bulb goes off in your head, which I hope does, I suggest that you try quitting for a year. You will find that your medications will work much better without alcohol in the mix, or that you may not even need them after a while. If you find that you cannot go without alcohol, there are resources available to help you in that respect. Almost everyone will suggest AA, but there are many other options as well if that does not suit you.

artsoul

Welcome 12skiptomylue!

You're asking some great (and important) questions and that's a really good thing. I think we all start off enjoying the benefits of drinking and it might even last for a while, but at some point we begin to suspect that our relationship with alcohol isn't normal.

Once I started, I always wanted to keep drinking. Often I drank more or more often than I intended. When I tried to cut down or quit, I couldn't. I think those were the big red flags for me.

This is a great place to get support and also just to learn from others' experiences. Glad you're here!

12skiptomylue

First off, I want to say thank you, and that I'm overwhelmed by the kindness and care that you have extended to me. I'm sure that you can understand when I say I feel pretty ashamed even posing these questions.

eJoshua, I absolutely agree that I am abusing alcohol. And you're right. It should be as simple as STOP abusing alcohol. I guess what I see as the problem is that it DOES seem to work right now, and it isn't disrupting my life. However, I'm wondering if I really do what to change, because if I didn't, why would I be posting here, right?

langkah, it completely freaks me out that you suggested not drinking for a year. Honestly, I feel like that is unrealistic for me right now. But I don't know if I'm just making excuses. Drinking, or going out for drinks with friends, or celebrating things with drinks has just become a part of my life. One year seems like a long time!! I told myself that I will quit for a week come Monday.

Terminally Unique, I know that alcohol negates anxiety meds. I understand that alcohol distrupts your sleep pattern, and that it causes an anxiety rebound effect. And I agree that I would probably feel better if I just stuck to the meds and didn't drink. But I like to drink.

God, I feel like I'm completely contradicting myself. How did this become so complicated? I think I really am probably just blowing this out of proportion for myself.

Artsoul. You said this "but at some point we begin to suspect that our relationship with alcohol isn't normal.", and yes, I feel like I can relate to that. I can admit that I abuse alcohol. And I think I do that more than most people.

You have all given me a lot to think about. Thank you for accepting me here.

eh1988

A few things that popped out to me

-You crave beer at 10am
-You haven't been more than a week without alcohol in the past few months
-You think about if a place serves alcohol, if they don't, you wonder if you should drink before.
-It hasn't affected your school, work, or social life.

All these were things I probably would have wrote during the beginning stages of my alcoholism. No one wakes up a full blown alcoholic, it's a gradual process. In my opinion, you are on your way if you don't change some things now. I remember when I first started getting cravings for beer in the morning, I thought to my self "that's crazy, only alcoholics drink in the morning!" it was only about a month after my cravings that I started acting on them, after that it was all downhill. I remember ALWAYS having to know if a restaurant or event was going to serve alcohol, I would always hop online and view the restaurants website and make sure they served beer, if they didn't I would bring a flask with me as well as get a buzz before. I remember thinking to myself, well I'm not an alcoholic because I can go a week or 2 without drinking, not long after that I was drinking every day. Lastly, it hasn't affected your school, work or social life.........YET (there is a thread that was posted about that today). You're playing with fire (coming from someone who was in your shoes). It was HELL and I ended up going through 3 years of my life in a drunken daze. I would never wish the dark, evil and psychotic days I went through upon anyone. I strongly suggest you stop it now before it gets out of hand.

Sapling

Welcome skip...Just a little from my experience...I started out drinking much like you...Fun with friends...special occasions...Maybe a morning beer now and then...Nothing serious..I don't know what happened...Somewhere I got to that point...I didn't want a beer...I needed a beer...It got to the point ...It wasn't fun any more...I just denied there was anything wrong with me for many years...It wiped me out...Took everything I had...And almost killed me. I know I'm an alcoholic...And it wasn't till I could admit that to myself that I could do anything about it....See for me...The way I looked at it for 35 years of drinking....If I don't have a problem....There is nothing for me to solve. Then I realised...I not only had a problem....But I had absolutely no control over it. So it's always a good idea...To keep an eye on this stuff...And if you ever feel like you might have a problem...Take the action and do something about it.

OheemJah

I agree with everyone else. Becoming an alcoholic doesn't happen over night. I first started drinking after my divorce at 25. I drank after I got off of work until I went to bed. I worked at a salon and if I didn't have clients I was free to leave. Eventually, if I got off at two or three p.m. I would come home and start drinking. After a couple of years my days off were a two day drinking binge by the pool. I decided to go back to school to become a doctor of pharmacy and got a job on the weekends and studied all week. That again, a two day drinking binge. I stopped working at the bar to focus on school and the drinking continued, I thought if I wasn't working in a bar it would be easy. What a lie, I would wake up and do a double shot of vodka. I had an epiphany, who wants to listen to a doctor that is a raging alcoholic? I will be 31 in June, I have been sober almost a month and am just focusing on my studies. My point is, it is a gradual process, it takes years to get sick, and it will take years to get better. Your anxiety will subside if you knock off the alcohol, my anxiety has. Shoot, just planning when you are going to drink and how is anxiety in itself. Good luck to you and your journey.

Terminally Unique

This should tell you something.

I believe that you like to drink, 12skiptomylue, at least for now. There is also a part of you that obviously realizes something is not quite right, which is good, if you pay attention. This 'I like to drink' statement doesn't quite correlate with this 'coping' business, though. Do you see the contradiction?

I already knew you were dependent from your initial post, but given your vacillating after people's responses, I would venture to say that you might indeed be addicted. Do what I suggested and read that James R. Milam book, which you can do in one day. It may save you years of suffering and futile searching for the 'underlying issues' that you think cause your drinking. Trust me.

From what you describe, it would seem that a ruthless survival mentality, which I call 'The Beast', is being born, if it has not been born already. Do what I suggested, or you may come to remember the name "Terminally Unique" someday, wondering why you didn't listen to that smart arse on that Internet years earlier. In fact, if you ever end up in AA or 'in recovery', I am certain that you will remember, because you won't be able to avoid the term.

DayTrader

There's NOTHING wrong with drinking..... responsibly.

I've personally mislead therapists for years, so I don't put much weight on what they have to say. What I do put some stock in is that you're even asking about it.

This is a generalization but: people who don't have a drinking problem don't join message boards to ask problem drinkers if they think they have a drinking problem......... yanno? My mom, for example, would never need to do that. She may overindulge from time to time but she just reigns it in....problem solved.

Just a hunch......but I smell more in your case....

desertsong

Welcome, Lue!

The fact that you are putting so much thought and worry into your drinking says a lot. "Normal" drinkers don't overthink their drinking and "freak out" when they think about not drinking ... they just don't drink when they don't feel like it. You admit that you abuse alcohol ... from abuse it's not that far of a walk into dependence and alcoholism. It may happen over a period of weeks or months or years, but if you are truly abusing and don't stop, you will end up there.

You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump ... take the advice given here and just see what happens. You'll know soon enough if you have a real problem that needs addressing. If you do, fix it now before you end up where so many of us have.

I wish you all the best.

2granddaughters

12Skip, you sound like me in my early years of alcoholism.

There is an easy test as others have mentioned to prove your condition. Stop drinking.
A) When the alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.
B) When the alcohol is taken away from the Alcoholic, the problem begins.

The results of the test will become apparent soon enough.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

hcd

Good luck, Lue. I've been in your position and seen it kind of morph into something worse. For some people it does and for some people it doesn't, but if you can step back -- and I'm trying to -- and look at it objectively, I guess the question is, "How does drinking help me?"

I really agree with what people have said above. I'm just realizing there's no drinking championship (except on T-shirts) where you win something for getting really good at it. You just get a higher and higher tolerance, more and more dependent, and end up spending more money and eventually making mistakes. I wish I'd been smart enough to start questioning things early, like you are. Then it wouldn't be as hard to quit as it is now.

PaperDolls

12skiptomylue - You say you have no negative effects ..... yet here you are at SR taking about it. You talk with your therapist about it. It's causing you *more* anxiety ... I'd call that a negative consequence.

You've got a lot of great input here, I hope you really read it through and take it in.

12skiptomylue

Thank you for your thoughts. You actually really motivated me to stop drinking. Again, I don't know that I can commit to a year right now. But, I like the idea of the "test" to see if it becomes difficult to stop. I will do that. And I guess that will be my answer as to whether I have a problem or not.

I also appreciated hearing others stories of the beginning signs of having an alcohol problem. I guess in my mind, if I'm not chugging a liter of vodka a day, or getting drunk at 9am, then it's not a big deal. It's helpful to recognize that having an alcohol process is a gradual thing, and that I very well, could be on my way. I may not have a full blown problem, but I have taken one or two steps thru that door.

Sapling

It's funny how that works....You ask a large group of drunks that have had their lives screwed over by alcohol a question about it...And you get the truth....

Pigtails

Hello and welcome. I have learned that alcohol doesn't help anything and in fact just makes matters worse. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life-- night terrors which are panic attacks at night, which I started getting at age 12 and still get at age 31, and anxiety during the day as well. For me, alcohol just made it worse because it temporarily allowed me to forget about my problems but then the next day I'd be even more anxious and then it started to turn into bad depression. I feel so much better after over four months of not drinking. I still get anxious and still have night terrors, but the frequency is much less, and I am learning tools to handle it much better. AA has worked wonders for me in terms of letting go, giving up control and accepting myself and my circumstances and other people for what they are. I have a lot more confidence and peace now. I don't see anything bad that can come from you not drinking anymore, and only good things in fact. So I do encourage you to stop drinking... hopefully it will be as easy as you think, and if not, we are here to support you! Best wishes to you- I wish you health and happiness.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

The average drinker wouldn't have a problem stopping for a year, or more.

Best wishes,

aeo1313

I don't know if this is true. Most people in my life are average drinkers and I know they would miss alcohol if they went without for a year.