New here..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
New here..
This is my first post, and I guess Im not really sure what to say, there for Im just going to lay it all out on the table.
Im a 23 year old single mother of three. Up until about 8 months ago, I was clean and sober just living a normal family life. I had everything I wanted, 3 beautiful children, a nice loving happy home full of laughter, both my husband and I were in college, we had a beautiful vehicle and a cute little fat dog. I couldnt have asked for anything more, I was so completely content. as my love and I used to say, our life was in "cruise control" and we wouldnt have had it any other way. Everything changed when my childrens father, who I had been with for 7 years and loved with everyting inside of me, left us out of the blue one night after going to a friends house, meeting another woman, and moved in with her... literally the next day.
I was thrust into a deep depression. I lost 20 pounds in the first 7 days.. I began losing my hair, and I couldnt sleep. I was drinking lightly at night to help me sleep. My younger brother moved in with me for the summer to keep me company and help me with the kids. He talked me into smoking some pot to help me eat, I had gone for so long with out being able to eat that it was getting scary. I also began taking kratom, being a former opiate abuser, it hit the spot for me and was the only thing available to me that could give me a sense of happiness. Everything quickly got out of control. I was smoking and drinking every night and spending $10 - $20 a day on kratom. After maintaining my drinking well enough that it didnt concern anybody for about 3 months everything changed. I went out to a club with a girlfriend of mine and drank a ridiculous amount of tequila. It was the first time Ive ever blacked out... I climbed the bouncer like a tree lol.. (Im 5'2 and about 100 pounds... this guy was prolly 6'7 or better and I remember thinking to myself earlier that night he was the biggest person Id ever seen.. that part was actually a little funny). I fought my friend all the way out the door not wanting to leave, and was fighting everyone who got in my path. Hitting, kicking, biting.. I had completely lost my mind. Ever since then I black out every time I drink, my personality completely changes and my actions never remind me of myself. I become violent and emotional.. not every time but way too often. I cant seem to function properly with out the kratom, not that I really function with it.. Im depressed, lonely, and at the end of the road here. I take pills when I can get them, basically Ill take whatever I can get, about 4 times now in the past 2 months Ive even lowered myself to accepting more hardcore drugs (mostly poor mans coke)... its disgusting and I hate myself for it. I lost all of my friends, my brother wants nothing to do with me and my parents (who Ive always been extremely close to) have withdrawn from me and just seem disgusted with me. Im afraid that Im going to end up losing my children and my home. Ive missed the last two semesters at school, and dropped out of all my classes in the two semesters before that (including the summer). Im angry, lonely, deeply ashamed, guilty and carrying around the deepest sadness Ive personally ever known. Ive lost myself... Im afraid.
Im a 23 year old single mother of three. Up until about 8 months ago, I was clean and sober just living a normal family life. I had everything I wanted, 3 beautiful children, a nice loving happy home full of laughter, both my husband and I were in college, we had a beautiful vehicle and a cute little fat dog. I couldnt have asked for anything more, I was so completely content. as my love and I used to say, our life was in "cruise control" and we wouldnt have had it any other way. Everything changed when my childrens father, who I had been with for 7 years and loved with everyting inside of me, left us out of the blue one night after going to a friends house, meeting another woman, and moved in with her... literally the next day.
I was thrust into a deep depression. I lost 20 pounds in the first 7 days.. I began losing my hair, and I couldnt sleep. I was drinking lightly at night to help me sleep. My younger brother moved in with me for the summer to keep me company and help me with the kids. He talked me into smoking some pot to help me eat, I had gone for so long with out being able to eat that it was getting scary. I also began taking kratom, being a former opiate abuser, it hit the spot for me and was the only thing available to me that could give me a sense of happiness. Everything quickly got out of control. I was smoking and drinking every night and spending $10 - $20 a day on kratom. After maintaining my drinking well enough that it didnt concern anybody for about 3 months everything changed. I went out to a club with a girlfriend of mine and drank a ridiculous amount of tequila. It was the first time Ive ever blacked out... I climbed the bouncer like a tree lol.. (Im 5'2 and about 100 pounds... this guy was prolly 6'7 or better and I remember thinking to myself earlier that night he was the biggest person Id ever seen.. that part was actually a little funny). I fought my friend all the way out the door not wanting to leave, and was fighting everyone who got in my path. Hitting, kicking, biting.. I had completely lost my mind. Ever since then I black out every time I drink, my personality completely changes and my actions never remind me of myself. I become violent and emotional.. not every time but way too often. I cant seem to function properly with out the kratom, not that I really function with it.. Im depressed, lonely, and at the end of the road here. I take pills when I can get them, basically Ill take whatever I can get, about 4 times now in the past 2 months Ive even lowered myself to accepting more hardcore drugs (mostly poor mans coke)... its disgusting and I hate myself for it. I lost all of my friends, my brother wants nothing to do with me and my parents (who Ive always been extremely close to) have withdrawn from me and just seem disgusted with me. Im afraid that Im going to end up losing my children and my home. Ive missed the last two semesters at school, and dropped out of all my classes in the two semesters before that (including the summer). Im angry, lonely, deeply ashamed, guilty and carrying around the deepest sadness Ive personally ever known. Ive lost myself... Im afraid.
recovering using AVRT
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 294
Sounds like it's time to take control of your life back. And take it from an older gal such as myself....it's never to late to change. You're young, you're articulate, you're thoughtful and up until not-so-long ago you were on top of it all. It's not that far out of reach for you again. Your family is upset - do you blame them? You're upset with yourself - can you blame yourself? You haven't been behaving in a way that you deserve. Just from the little bit you've shared I can tell your a strong girl so I know you can muster up the will to get through this!
Glad you're here!
Glad you're here!
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You have had a huge loss. It sounds like you became VERY depressed in response to this loss. Part of dealing with that depression involved the use of both alcohol and drugs. I would strongly consider professional evaluation and treatment for depression.
Alcohol and drugs are now a second problem that needs to be addressed. I would work with a mental health provider about options for detox and treatment of the alcohol and substance use problem as well. Your condition is very serious and working with the folks in the mental health community holds a lot of hope for improving what must seem now to be a hopeless situation. Please do this ASAP!
Next find an alcoholics anonymous meeting near you and go. Just let them know how awful things have gotten. Understand that when most people come to a first meeting they are broken. The people at that meeting will understand this and will be in a position to help. Till then you have my prayers. Please keep us posted.
Alcohol and drugs are now a second problem that needs to be addressed. I would work with a mental health provider about options for detox and treatment of the alcohol and substance use problem as well. Your condition is very serious and working with the folks in the mental health community holds a lot of hope for improving what must seem now to be a hopeless situation. Please do this ASAP!
Next find an alcoholics anonymous meeting near you and go. Just let them know how awful things have gotten. Understand that when most people come to a first meeting they are broken. The people at that meeting will understand this and will be in a position to help. Till then you have my prayers. Please keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
You are not alone here sleepingbeauty. I'm sure there are some here that can relate to what happened with your husband. You deserve better than that. I can relate to the drinking and drug use. I'm a former opiate abuser too, it got to the point for me that I couldn't get out of bed unless I had some pills.
Give sobriety everything you have. You deserve it and your children deserve it.
God bless.
Give sobriety everything you have. You deserve it and your children deserve it.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and advice. 
@eh1988 I wish I could say yes. This is what I know; Unfortanately I am still taking the kratom, because I just dont have it in me today to deal with stopping that. I dont want to be sick :/ Im going to have to mentally prepare myself for that. I won't be drinking tonight though thats for sure. Im going to do my very best to have the same answer for that tomorrow, and right now I feel strongly that I will.
@eh1988 I wish I could say yes. This is what I know; Unfortanately I am still taking the kratom, because I just dont have it in me today to deal with stopping that. I dont want to be sick :/ Im going to have to mentally prepare myself for that. I won't be drinking tonight though thats for sure. Im going to do my very best to have the same answer for that tomorrow, and right now I feel strongly that I will.
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