KAMRIZ

Morning all!

I'm on day 33 of my sobriety and I'm in this for the long haul, there's no going back to booze, everything in my life is changing on a daily basis and it's been beyond great.

So a major issue that I have right now is one of my "best friends" is someone I met 12ish years ago while drinking, she's a drinker too and I would say 98% of the time we've spent together was getting hammered.

I liked her when I was drunk but frankly when I'm sober I don't want anything to do with her, this isn't anything new, even when I was drunk but sober I didn't like her much when I had a somewhat clear head.

The problem is she considers me one of the closest friends she has....I want absolutely nothing to do with her, not now, not ever again.

My last drunk was with her 34 days ago, although she knows I've quit (that's all she knows, she has no clue I'm in rehab, going to AA Meetings, etc.) I know she'll start bugging me soon to hang out and she won't stop until she reaches me, I wouldn't put it past her to show up at my job or my house.

I have no desire to speak to her in person to tell her what's up with me, frankly she's a huge trigger so that's not an option. So do I email her? This is where I'm stuck, how do I communicate w/her that I can't see her again without hurting her feelings. I don't want to leave it open ended either like maybe someday we can hang, I want it to be a clear and permanent message.

Arrrrgggh, I'm really struggling with this and just want it to be done and over.

Fenris

Yeah, that's a tough situation, but you have to do what's best for you and your recovery. Do you have a sponsor? That's the first person I would ask about this. When I quit drinking, there were a handful of people that I just simply could not be around any more. Some of them knew what was going on with me, some didn't -- I gave an explanation to those that I felt were owed one; others, I either ignored until they got the message, or just bluntly told that I couldn't hang out with them any more. Do what's best for you, but try to do it in a way that's considerate and kind, if that's possible. Recovery comes first. (And congrats on the 33 days!)

--Fenris.

Fubarcdn

I have a similar old drinking buddy. I have come to realize that I don't really like him very much either, when he is drinking that is.
I got to know him well in a period when we were both sober and he was a decent human being who I was glad to have as a friend at the time.
He is now heavier into drinking than ever and emails me to go drinking with him. I my response is always if you want to meet in the morning for coffee that would be great but I am not drinking anymore.
He never replies to that.
I guess what I am saying is that perhaps your friend is a great person sober too and maybe you should give it a chance if she wants to meet with you when you are both sober.
On the other hand maybe she is just someone you don't want to have as a friend.
I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Good luck with your dilemma.

DayTrader

It's not up to you whether her feelings get hurt again or not. You can try but ultimately, how she feels and how she handles it is up to her.

I've found that co-dependent relationships (same-sex or opposite-sex) keep on going until I put all my cards on the table and talk openly about how I feel..... ya just have to do it even though it's not comfortable.

KAMRIZ

Thank you for the feedback!

I do have a sponsor so I'll run this by her tonight on the phone but.....

Our relationship is pretty toxic, I don't like her when she's sober either, and it used to be a disaster before every single time to mix company between her and my other friends or my family because no one I know likes her either.

This is starting to sound really silly to me now, a big "duh" moment just hit me, I know what I have to do.

Thanks for helping me process it, I'm amazed at the little nuggets of knowledge and insight I gain on a daily basis now that I'm more and more clear headed.

You guys are awesome.

sober4metoday

As soon as I told my old drinking buddies I quit drinking they pretty much self-selected themselves out of my life **cricket sounds**

Snarf

I was worried about the same issue, but I never really had to actually cut someone out of my life. When people would ask if I wanted to hang out, I simply replied that I was no longer drinking so I would not be accepting their invitation. After a couple months people got the picture and those invitations stopped coming. I'm now at a point where I can hang out with people who are drinking, but those are friends I would've spent time with anyway. The "drunk friends" in my life have pretty much extricated themselves from my life.

eh1988

Tough situation indeed. One of my cousins and a couple of my friends took it the wrong way that I told them I won't be hanging out with them in a while (all they want to do is drink). I guess they think that I think I'm too good for them. Dumb

WhySoSerious

yup, it's funny how that works.

Sapling

My best drinking buddy..Who lives about five minutes from me....Was actually my roommate for my last two years of drinking....He was worse than I was...Well...It was pretty close...I was in my isolation and feeling sorry for myself till I died mode...Drinking more than I've ever done...Used to p!ss him off I wouldn't come out of my room...I went to detox/rehab...Left rehab early and threw myself into AA....Got a safer environment to live in....I take care of my elderly mother...So that's where I am...It's good for her and 9th step work for me......This is what I did with him...He showed up at my place the week I was suppose to get out of rehab to see how I was doing...I told him....Great...I can't drink anymore which means I can't be around you any more...No hard feelings...You're a great guy..But I have to get better before I die from this sh!t...And being around you is not good for me...He hit the road and I didn't see him for six months...I ran into him once at the grocery store...Said hello...He said I looked great...I said you too...And I haven't seen him since. Sometimes...Just being honest with somebody works...I was always too drunk to try it.

Fallow

Ive got two good buddies from high school days who are sober now. One has 5 plus years and the other 3. They both left our circle for many months when they first got sober, but came back and are still great friends of mine. They both have been a wonderful real-life example to me that has helped greatly these past two years as Ive struggled to find lasting sobriety. Neither one ever judged me or told me what to do, but they listened at times and led by their example. Maybe instead of cutting this person out you could be an example that would help them someday? Not sayin you should hang around when shes drunk or drinking though. You never know. If it wasnt for my friends proving it to me I might have given up by now.

Sapling

That's good if your friends are recovered Fallow...My buddie still drinks like a fish...I do hang around friends that are recovered...In AA.

LDT

This is such a tough predicament. I got sober 13 months ago. In my large circle of friends, I knew exactly ONE person that didn't drink. My best friend of a hundred years was my favorite drinking partner. When I decided to quit drinking I told her that it was for health issues (which it was in part because I had developed an eating disorder). I did not tell her about my 3 days in medical detox because I didn't want her to minimize or diminish my resolve to not drink, which she had done several times before when I tried to quit drinking. Thank God she lives in another state because I could tackle the fragility of those first few sober months without her interference. Long story short.....I'm still sober, and she is not. I can now handle being around people that drink, but they truly are not as much fun to me as those who don't. My daughter got married a couple of months ago and I toasted the newlyweds with water, danced my legs off, had the time of my life, and remembered
everything! ( yes, it's possible ). I did not get sober with AA( although I have the utmost respect for the organization), so when people ask me why I am not drinking these days I just laugh and say " Guess I got full."

newleaves2012

I don't know. if she isn't more than a drinking buddy in your eyes just drop the "AA Bomb" and let her figure that out. you have enough to worry about with sobriety without worrying about someone who is probably gonna try to pull you off your path.

Stang

Very simple "I don't drink anymore".