i relapsed and i need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: ny ny
Posts: 1
i relapsed and i need help
hello all:
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
lillyknitting
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by davyblueeyes 
hello all:
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thanks for sharing that, davyblueeyes. I relapsed twice, both times after years of sobriety. My problem is that I had gotten away from recovery and it took a while to get back to it. You caught yourself right away and that is HUGE in my opinion.
Sometimes we forget how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction is. Just take this as a reminder of that, instead of allowing yourself to go into that "failure" mentality. No one in your group is going to judge you - they're going to be proud of you for being honest and it will help them realize it can happen to any of us.
Sometimes we forget how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction is. Just take this as a reminder of that, instead of allowing yourself to go into that "failure" mentality. No one in your group is going to judge you - they're going to be proud of you for being honest and it will help them realize it can happen to any of us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome davyblueeyes 
Good to have you here
I agree it's good to keep a sense of perspective about this...17 years against 3 hits from a joint...it was a momentary madness...a reminder to keep vigilant...but what's done is done - there's no point at all in continually beating yourself up or stewing in shame.
It's what you do now that counts, I think - why not release the pressure here?
tell on yourself, unburden yourself of those negative emotions, reach out, and get back to where you need to be
D
Good to have you here
I agree it's good to keep a sense of perspective about this...17 years against 3 hits from a joint...it was a momentary madness...a reminder to keep vigilant...but what's done is done - there's no point at all in continually beating yourself up or stewing in shame.
It's what you do now that counts, I think - why not release the pressure here?
tell on yourself, unburden yourself of those negative emotions, reach out, and get back to where you need to be
D
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by davyblueeyes
hello all:
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
i was sober 17 years without a drink or drug, as of last week. on Friday i was walking up the stairs to my apartment and i found a joint. without even thinking about it i picked it up brought it into my house and lit it on my stove. took 3 hits and then reality set in i just relapsed. i have been in a funk since then. i make meetings regularly. i sponsor people and i am in therapy. i have worked the steps numerous times . i have been going through some difficult times but i thought i have been through worse.it was like i didn't have a defense against it. it was almost like i was in a trance. i feel horrible i haven't picked up since then and i don't want to. but i haven't told anyone including my sponsor. im so ashamed i feel like i failed myself and my home group. i know my disease wants me this way and i know what would be the right thing to do. but i feel scared and paralyzed to say anything. i need help please thanks
I dunno. On one hand you obviously think you have relapsed. On the other I (myself) have difficulty calling your 3 tokes a 'relapse'. Still though, absolutely something definitely happened and should come into the honest light of day. Secrets like this can kill. I'm thinking that how it is shared is of the highest importance. You're already feeling very open and raw, and making that worse is not gonna help anyone. Hmmm.
I think if you shared more of what has been going on well before the tokes, and what is your DOC would be helpful to know. People with 17 years who experience abusing drugs / alcohol again, however briefly, have something not working correctly in their abstinence of 17 years. No way around it.
I do have empathy with being scared and frozen with anxiety. I feel for you. Some dialogue may (okay, would) help you relax, and re-focus, and find a proper way through your paradoxical dilemma of being sincerely honest, and at the same time being realistic of what is a 'relapse' exactly, respective of your past history. You've for sure learned somethings in your years, and now would be a great time to put those skills to work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Jax beach fl
Posts: 143
It's just weed. Thank god you didn't find a bottle going up the stairs, that could have been way worse. Don't think of it as a relapse, you realized what you did, you accepted it, and your changing it. Everythings gonna be ok, just don't dwell on what's already happened.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
As far as sharing and feeling like you've failed group/sponsor, I understand that , but honesty in sharing isn't just good for you, it's good for the others in the group to hear your experience. If people only share their successes that's not honesty, that's not giving others something they can identify with. If the meetings become nothing but high five back patting sessions they lose their power of identification and true honest support.
By sharing your experience you will not only help yourself, you will help others. Those who need to be reminded that addiction doesn't disappear with clean time, and those who have had the same slips as you have, and are afraid to share and have it eating them up inside. Your willingness to share will free them to be honest as well.
That's what your share here did for me.
By sharing your experience you will not only help yourself, you will help others. Those who need to be reminded that addiction doesn't disappear with clean time, and those who have had the same slips as you have, and are afraid to share and have it eating them up inside. Your willingness to share will free them to be honest as well.
That's what your share here did for me.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
now, I want to know more about your needing help, because I get the sense that is about something more than advice on whether to share or not.
What's going on that made you pick up that joint and hit on it, rather than trash it. It wasn't a random mistake, at least it never is for me. I live in a home that has alcohol available 24/7, but I don't even think about it unless something is stirring inside me.
So what's going on? For me, it's nearly always a returning sense of hopelessness somewhere in my life. Some way in which it seems all my efforts are futile and there is no longer any good reason to resist anything.
Again, it helps to remember that most people are afraid and ashamed to share their insecurities, slips etc. So sometimes unless WE open up, we aren't going to hear that many people have gone through what we are, and get that honest identification and support we need.
I relapsed this week, or slipped, or something. I don't care what we call it. It scares the crap out of me. I feel like I've doubled up on my recovery work, putting in effort and time, then this. WTH?
So, what's going on INSIDE, that led to this. Maybe if one of us figures it out, it'll help the other, and the tens of thousands of folks that lurk here.
What's going on that made you pick up that joint and hit on it, rather than trash it. It wasn't a random mistake, at least it never is for me. I live in a home that has alcohol available 24/7, but I don't even think about it unless something is stirring inside me.
So what's going on? For me, it's nearly always a returning sense of hopelessness somewhere in my life. Some way in which it seems all my efforts are futile and there is no longer any good reason to resist anything.
Again, it helps to remember that most people are afraid and ashamed to share their insecurities, slips etc. So sometimes unless WE open up, we aren't going to hear that many people have gone through what we are, and get that honest identification and support we need.
I relapsed this week, or slipped, or something. I don't care what we call it. It scares the crap out of me. I feel like I've doubled up on my recovery work, putting in effort and time, then this. WTH?
So, what's going on INSIDE, that led to this. Maybe if one of us figures it out, it'll help the other, and the tens of thousands of folks that lurk here.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
On the stove with no thought? Sounds like I need to be much more vigilant, thanks for sharing this!! I believe more thought went into it than you acknowledge. I thank my higher power I see my neighbors acting stupid on their balcony. Three hits would have me flying high and being really stupid, possibly taking a leisurely walk to that store down the street.
Pick yourself up and talk to your sponsor. Work those steps again!!! Something is amiss.
Whatever you do, do it well. You could be saving someones life! Oh, wait, you just saved mine. Thank you very much.
Pick yourself up and talk to your sponsor. Work those steps again!!! Something is amiss.
Whatever you do, do it well. You could be saving someones life! Oh, wait, you just saved mine. Thank you very much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
It'll eat your lunch to keep this a secret, you know that.
You can join those sad folk who use the traditional giveaway line to describe themselves 'I've been alcohol-free...' or you can get honest, stay that way and possibly do others some good as well as yourself.
You can join those sad folk who use the traditional giveaway line to describe themselves 'I've been alcohol-free...' or you can get honest, stay that way and possibly do others some good as well as yourself.
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