I'm an alcoholic too...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
I'm an alcoholic too...
I feel such a hypocrite.
The past couple of days I've posted a shed load of emails on the Friends and Family Board, looking to help those who are living with or trying to come to terms with what they should do with their alcoholic partner, based upon my experience with my ex, whilst truthfully I've known for some time that I too am a functioning alcoholic.
When my ex was attending AA some years ago, one of her friends came around to talk to me about what it meant to be an alcoholic, and she told me that I wasn't, as I could always find the "off-button". That's true, I never get paralytic, but since my ex and I broke up, I have begun to rely upon drink more and more, and at the very least I now know that I have a full-blown habit that I'm finding it difficult to break.
When my ex and I broke up sixteen months ago, I started going out socially with a male friend at work. He was a wealthy guy, a multi-millionaire, but it was obvious to me that he too was an alcoholic... a bottle of Pinot Grigiot at 11.00am in the morning to forestall the shakes, a bottle at lunch-time at the restaurant - "leave the cork because I'll only take a couple of glasses", only to leave the cork and an empty bottle behind - and he took me under his wing. At that time I began drinking wine at lunchtime, something that I had never done before... and then I would get back to my empty house and break open a four-pack of lager. That went on for months and I realised that it was becoming more and more difficult to break the habit. Most of the day I would be looking forward to getting some cans on my way home, and in the event that I was invited out by friends I would make an excuse to turn them down so that I could drink at home alone.
I put on nearly a stone in weight, and then in December I decided that enough was enough. I'd met a lovely lady and our relationship - a long-distance, though intense one - was just beautiful, so I decided that I needed to get fit again, and joined the gym. I gave up the booze, lost around ten pounds and promptly transferred my addiction to working out. I felt really antsy if I didn't go to the gym... it felt as though I needed to fill my life with something, either gym or alcohol. Then at the end of December I broke a finger and it prevented me from going to the gym for a couple of days.
Sure enough, I got home from work, and that little voice inside my head told me to get down to the supermarket because I deserved a few cans. And so, out went the gym, and back in came the alcohol again. :-(
I'm in a fortunate - or unfortunate - position, because I have my own business and am easily able to "hide" my habit, but of late it's been getting worse and I've noticed myself moving appointments around and taking occasional days off so that I can stay home and have a few cans. Like yesterday for example.
This is not good enough and I need to do something about it. And this is the start of the unburdening process for me. I've always been very self-aware, and living with and supporting a full-blown, non-functioning alcoholic has made me even more so.
The particularly galling thing for me is that I have a deep understanding of what this is all about. I've read extensively and deeply around the whole spirituality/addiction subject and know what I need to do, I know this stuff inside-out. But there's a famous Chinese proverb that says, "To know and not to do, is not to know". So now I need to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk.
Today I am owning up to my hypocrisy, facing up to my issues and packing it in for good. I can't become a light, social drinker, because I know from experience that before I know where I am, I'll slip right back into my habitual patterns again. Perhaps the biggest issue that I'm aware of is my predisposition towards cross-addictions, particularly the gym... but right at this moment I feel that I need to get some clean, sober time in, and if getting fit helps me to do it, then so be it.
Thanks for listening.
The past couple of days I've posted a shed load of emails on the Friends and Family Board, looking to help those who are living with or trying to come to terms with what they should do with their alcoholic partner, based upon my experience with my ex, whilst truthfully I've known for some time that I too am a functioning alcoholic.
When my ex was attending AA some years ago, one of her friends came around to talk to me about what it meant to be an alcoholic, and she told me that I wasn't, as I could always find the "off-button". That's true, I never get paralytic, but since my ex and I broke up, I have begun to rely upon drink more and more, and at the very least I now know that I have a full-blown habit that I'm finding it difficult to break.
When my ex and I broke up sixteen months ago, I started going out socially with a male friend at work. He was a wealthy guy, a multi-millionaire, but it was obvious to me that he too was an alcoholic... a bottle of Pinot Grigiot at 11.00am in the morning to forestall the shakes, a bottle at lunch-time at the restaurant - "leave the cork because I'll only take a couple of glasses", only to leave the cork and an empty bottle behind - and he took me under his wing. At that time I began drinking wine at lunchtime, something that I had never done before... and then I would get back to my empty house and break open a four-pack of lager. That went on for months and I realised that it was becoming more and more difficult to break the habit. Most of the day I would be looking forward to getting some cans on my way home, and in the event that I was invited out by friends I would make an excuse to turn them down so that I could drink at home alone.
I put on nearly a stone in weight, and then in December I decided that enough was enough. I'd met a lovely lady and our relationship - a long-distance, though intense one - was just beautiful, so I decided that I needed to get fit again, and joined the gym. I gave up the booze, lost around ten pounds and promptly transferred my addiction to working out. I felt really antsy if I didn't go to the gym... it felt as though I needed to fill my life with something, either gym or alcohol. Then at the end of December I broke a finger and it prevented me from going to the gym for a couple of days.
Sure enough, I got home from work, and that little voice inside my head told me to get down to the supermarket because I deserved a few cans. And so, out went the gym, and back in came the alcohol again. :-(
I'm in a fortunate - or unfortunate - position, because I have my own business and am easily able to "hide" my habit, but of late it's been getting worse and I've noticed myself moving appointments around and taking occasional days off so that I can stay home and have a few cans. Like yesterday for example.
This is not good enough and I need to do something about it. And this is the start of the unburdening process for me. I've always been very self-aware, and living with and supporting a full-blown, non-functioning alcoholic has made me even more so.
The particularly galling thing for me is that I have a deep understanding of what this is all about. I've read extensively and deeply around the whole spirituality/addiction subject and know what I need to do, I know this stuff inside-out. But there's a famous Chinese proverb that says, "To know and not to do, is not to know". So now I need to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk.
Today I am owning up to my hypocrisy, facing up to my issues and packing it in for good. I can't become a light, social drinker, because I know from experience that before I know where I am, I'll slip right back into my habitual patterns again. Perhaps the biggest issue that I'm aware of is my predisposition towards cross-addictions, particularly the gym... but right at this moment I feel that I need to get some clean, sober time in, and if getting fit helps me to do it, then so be it.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
Wow Adipsia, I was following a few of your posts, Blessed Addicts. It seems you and I are of very like minds.
I too find myself struggling with my relationship with alcohol. I can stop...drink two beers and be done. On occasion I do binge, and here lately it seems I'm honestly looking forward to those two beers on a daily basis.
And I CONSTANTLY feel like a hypocrite.
So let's do this together. I'm thinking I will take a drinking hiatis for the next 30 days. See how that feels. You're welcome to join me and we can cheer eachother on.
Womaninprogress
I too find myself struggling with my relationship with alcohol. I can stop...drink two beers and be done. On occasion I do binge, and here lately it seems I'm honestly looking forward to those two beers on a daily basis.
And I CONSTANTLY feel like a hypocrite.
So let's do this together. I'm thinking I will take a drinking hiatis for the next 30 days. See how that feels. You're welcome to join me and we can cheer eachother on.
Womaninprogress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by womaninprogress 
Wow Adipsia, I was following a few of your posts, Blessed Addicts. It seems you and I are of very like minds. I too find myself struggling with my relationship with alcohol. I can stop...drink two beers and be done. On occasion I do binge, and here lately it seems I'm honestly looking forward to those two beers on a daily basis. And I CONSTANTLY feel like a hypocrite. So let's do this together. I'm thinking I will take a drinking hiatis for the next 30 days. See how that feels. You're welcome to join me and we can cheer eachother on.
The hypocrisy thing has been a major issue for me, because even though my drinking level is below what would normally be termed social-drinking, I'm aware that it's a habit and I find it very difficult to get off that treadmill once I'm on it. I'm also conscious of the fact that my ex-partner's full-blown alcoholism actually masked what was going on with my own dirty little habit.
My new partner hardly drinks at all, occasionally a G&T but she would prefer a cup of Earl Grey even to that, so I'm now potentially in a totally clean environment.
It would be lovely if you would become my non-drinking buddy !
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
Count me in. I just suggested the 30 day hiatis as a "test" for myself. And sometimes I think the thought of NEVER drinking agian can seem overwhelming. So I'll start with one day at a time, today is day 1.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,985
There are quite a few of us here who are "double winners." You can do this, Adipsia and womaninprogress! You know there is all kinds of good support here, so please read and post often. Welcome to SR! 
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