Abetterway

Hi,

I've been reading posts on this forum and have been sober for 58 days. This is not my first time at the rodeo but tjis time i thought I'd have a better chance if i did what was suggested at AA meetings. Ive never had a sponsor and yhis seemed like something I should seek out.

Last night at a meeting I asked another women if she would explain things to me. She told me to meet her at a meeting tonight. After the meeting we sat down for about 8 minutes. I told her about my fear that aa would not work for me as i don't have a belief in God. She said not to worry. To do 90 meetings in 90 days. I asked her if she was happy in the program. She said she was. I asked her if she would work the first few steps with me. She said she had someplace to be and got up and walked out.

I'm very confused. Is this how it works? Did i break some rule?

Thanks for any insight.
Ngs

sugarbear1

you did nothing wrong. keep coming back!

ask someone if they could be your temporary sponsor. some people have invested their time & energy with people who aren't desperate enough or serious enough.

peace,

jocata

You didn't break any rule ngs. Maybe she really did have a place she had to be in a hurry. Go to alot of meetings and listen to people when they talk. Go to speaker meetings and listen. Seek out someone who has good, solid sobriety, the kind of sobriety that you want to have. Make sure they have several years under their belt. Make sure they have worked the steps. Make sure they have a sponser. Don't just pick someone at random.

Some meetings that I attend will appoint you a temporary sponser if you so desire. Ask the chairperson, or just speak up in a meeting that you are looking for a sponser.

Don't give up. You have to keep taking action and earnestly seek out someone who you feel would be a good sponser.

God bless.

Sapling

Maybe she's looking for someone that wants to work all the steps with her...Not really sure. You have to do some research for yourself. Listen to people in meetings...Hang around after meetings and ask questions..Show you want to do this for real..Could be as simple as she's seen the effort you have put into this rodeo before and wanted to see if you would commit to 90 meetings in 90 days. That's not in the Big Book by the way...Have you read that? Congrats on your 58 days....I walked up to a guy after a meeting... that made sense to me in the meeting...And asked him "How do find a good sponsor?". He said he would be my temporary sponsor...So if it didn't work out there would be no hard feelings....He took me through the steps...I did the work and he is my sponsor to this day. That was my second day in AA. It's all out there...You just got to go grab it.

Dee74

Welcome to SR abetterway

I'm not in AA so I have no experience to share but I know you'll get a lot of input here.

We also have a 12 step forum you may be interested in - there's some information there at the top of the forum about sponsorship

Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

neferkamichael

Abetterway, I'm an Evolutionist, dont believe in any kind of creation whatsoever. AA is one of the reasons that I am 1 year 6 months sober. The "fellowship" is what does it for me. Remember, in AA you are still dealing with a bunch of drunks. Some of the "oldtimers" can have big ego's and think they know everything. Talk to numerous people and find somebody you are comfortable with.

Abetterway

Thank you all for the replys. It's very hard for me to ask for help and i don't like to impose so I asked her to do the first few steps so i would take up less of her time. I would have explained myself if she had asked.
Is there a certain way I should ask next time? Something I should have done that I didnt do?

Sapling

Try this...When you aproach someone you have some respect for...Tell them..."I'm looking for someone to take me through the 12 steps..As done in the big book and I'm willing to go to any lengths to make this work. Could you or someone you know help me with this?"....And then get ready to back it up....It's going to take some work. But it will change your life...Isn't that what you want?

MemphisBlues

I am sorry you received only 8 minutes of time. How long have you been int he rooms? Te advice to seek a temporary sponsor is good. Working the steps is something very personal, and I have found that not everyone in AA is secure enough in their sobriety to truly sponsor someone else.

How long have you been in the rooms?

Have you been in and out of the rooms and relapsed? If this woman knows this, she may have been hesitant to commit to you because of her own serenity and security.

That said, from what you share, she doesn't seem to be into sponsorship. Do share in your meeting that you need a temporary sponsor. And do seek a sponsor that has something you want...not just sobriety, but a way to live soberly successfully.

TheTinMan

When I was under 90 days I asked someone to sponsor me. They said no because they didn't think I was ready. Told me to come back and see them when I had 90 in and if I still wanted him as a sponsor that he would consider it.

In the end I chose someone else. Hang in there. Listen and you will take to someone or you may be suprised and someone may take to you.

keithj

Nope, this is not how it works. It could well be that she had someplace to be, and that you need to call her to set up a time when you can start working on the Steps.

Or, it could be that her best suggestion is to come to 90 meetings, which is not how we recover in AA. If you trust her, ask if she will take you through the Steps, out of the BB. If she won't, find someone that will.

augustwest

I have no way of knowing what was going on with that woman so I cant comment on it. but I do think she could've communicated more clearly.

here is my take on sponsorship. a sponsor is a guide through the steps. that's it. they could be more, but that is their function.

when someone approaches me to be their sponsor we meet much like you did. we do a little getting to know eachother but I get right to the heart of the matter immediately. we are going to meet no less than bi-monthly, preferably weekly. we are going to read the literature together and we are going to start on step 1 immediately. and we are going to keep working at a pace that fits you, but is also focused on doing these steps.

if someone doesn't want to do this I'm not going to sponsor them. I will be their friend. I will answer the phone whenever tthey call. I will listen. I will help where I can, but I am not a counselor. the best thing I can do for anyone is to guide them through the steps where they will find their own answers.

the steps are the program. if you want to do the program I suggest finding a sponsor who has the time and willingness to take you through this process post haste.

Threshold

One of the best lessons I am learning in recovery is to NOT try to read minds, and not NOT assume that other people's behavior is caused by me.

If you asked and she did not say yes, I think it is safe to assume she doesn't care to be your sponsor. Why is really none of our business. You business is to find a sponsor.

I'd take the suggestions above and go about finding a sponsor who you are comfortable with and who communicates clearly with you.

Based on your reaction to this woman's behavior, it would seem that it wouldn't have been a good fit.

Take her at her word, she had someplace to be, and continue to keep her in your recovery network, as she does show interest in your recovery.

augustwest

You got that right! The biggest lesson i learned about sponsorship was that a sponsor in name is not really a sponsor. My first sponsor is a great guy. we're friends to this day. he was a busy person and his style was not really focused on doing the steps. at about 6 months clean i noticed that i hadn't really changed much at all, aside from now being abstinent. i was becoming miserable. i concluded, with the help of some people i trust, that the reason i wasn't changing was because i wasn't working the steps. i was still goofing around with step 2.

So i identified a person who modeled the recovery i wanted and asked around about him. and lo and behold he was one of those people who is adamant about step work. coincidence? i think not.

i asked him to be my sponsor and we got down to business. we went over 1-3 in one long sitting and then immediately went on my "garbage run" as he calls it, steps 4-9. The process took a few months. the time frame doesn't matter. what matters is that i was consistently working at it, dumping my garbage, discovering who the hell i really am and where my patterns of behavior come from, and making amends.

In that process every aspect of me changed dramatically. my attitudes, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, and actions. as soon as did that 5th step i felt like a different person. and as i continued through the process i noticed that i was slowly becoming the person i always wanted to be. the promises were actually being fulfilled in real time, just like the book said.

the only reason this happened to me is because of the steps. so my question is, why prolong something this awesome? why wait? it starts the moment we start, but we need a sponsor who is going to get down to business with us to facilitate.

BadCompany

You're doing fine. Finding a woman sponsor is a bit tricky sad to say. Often women young in the program are insecure about sponsoring people and so they avoid it. Many women get their feet under them and find for the first time they can be the mother and wife they always wanted to be and are too consumed with that to sponsor anybody. The women that are in the trenches sponsoring people are often overloaded with sponsees, so it becomes a hit and miss proposition on finding a sponsor.

If you are sneaky you could ask someone to be your temporary sponsor and then justkeep working with them and never look for a permanent one. A bit dishonest, but you can just cover that when your making ammends.

wpainterw

Clearly not. You did not break any rule. But remember at an AA meeting you can expect to find persons just as confused as you may be, with issues like yours or others which you don't know about. Just keep trying and asking around. If one sponsor doesn't work out, try another. Same thing with meetings. If one isn't going well then try another. Take what you find helpful from the program. Don't get hung up on any of the bumps in the road. You will find lots of helpful folks. Don't let those who may not be as helpful turn you off on the whole program. It's not perfect but for many folks it's been a good route to recovery. It's free- and it's a way to freedom from alcohol.

W.

PaperDolls

Nope, you didn't do a thing wrong.

As for your questions about sponsorship. This might help.
Questions and Answers about Sponsorship

StPeteGrad

There are many different ways this "transaction" goes about and most of us act according to what we learned from our own sponsor.

My first (temporary) sponsor is a really nice guy who just happened to be in the hall washing cups the first time I walked in. He sat down with me for a while and was quite available throughout my first days in the fury of the early battle. While this is very unusual in many ways, the important thing is that when I first met him I saw a person who was at peace and I wanted a piece of that.

When I needed a new permanent sponsor the first thing I did was to meet people in the fellowship and go to different meetings. It helped me find which meetings I liked going to and then looked for a sponsor from there. Again, it is important to find someone who demonstrates that they have something that you want and who you feel you can relate to in terms of other aspects of your life that are important (family, career, etc).

Here's how it often works in my neck of the woods:

A friend informed me just last night one of our newest members was asking around about me as a sponsor. I think that it is wise to get intel on potential sponsors. A sponsor should help set the right path in recovery.

If the time comes he wants to talk to me about it we'll sit down privately and learn more about each other to determine if we're a good fit. If not, I am still willing to be a temporary sponsor and help him find someone who is more well suited.

I know I only have a finite amount of time each day and I want to make sure that when someone gives me that opportunity I am able to give them the respect and time they deserve. It would be good to ask any prospect how many sponsees they are active with and what their work hours are. That could give you a better indication of their availibility. Sponsoring someone who is brand new to the program takes a lot of work if that person is 100% serious about recovery since the two of you will be in it together. It is a two way relationship and it is important to have clear expectations of each other and that you hold each other mutually accountable.

I hope this helps. Don't let it be scary. Just find someone who has a glow and talk to them.