Day 105
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 6
Day 105
Hi everyone.
This is my second post. My first one was me all emo and raging, a little after 2 months, still not wanting to accept I had a problem. So to anyone who read it and especially to those who took the time to reply, thank you so much.
Since then I've moved along in the steps and begun to discover this mysterious "serenity" thing. I'm writing my fourth step now, which has been kinda unpleasant but I guess that's the point. I'll hopefully be reading it to God and my sponsor this weekend, although I refuse to rush it so they might have to wait a while longer. It is helping me realize what a crappy, dishonest person I've been since even before I discovered alcohol. Hell, I lied by omission in my first post on here. I was crawling inside a bottle 5-7 times a week and drove drunk huuuundreds of times. I manipulated people and was completely self-centered. I hurt people who loved me, strangers, everyone around me. Like a giant, irresponsible wrecking ball of sh*t.
But I don't have to be that way any more. I'm embracing this idea of a higher power and it's a huge relief that I can trust in something greater than myself. I'm doing the things I need to do like CLEANING and LAUNDRY and PAYING BILLS (omg). I'm getting stuff done at work: my boss is doing backflips. I find myself showing up early to meetings just to hang out and help set up. I'm in a great sober living community and I trust every one of these guys like a brother. I try to make a meeting every day and I get so much out of it, especially speaker meetings. But most notably I have developed this skill I've always lacked: I can say to myself "this is a terrible ****ing idea", and then NOT do it.
Now before you write this off to the pink cloud (yes I know it's my username)... I still have bad days, sure. I went against one single teensy little recommendation and immediately fell for a girl in my IOP group... who proceeded to relapse HARD, get referred to inpatient, drive drunk that night and flip her car, was ejected, DUI, the whole thing. She was fairly OK miraculously... so she went to treatment. Then she got her ex to bail her out after 2 days and is out there again. This had me feeling pretty disappointed once I finally accepted it wasn't going to work out between us, then angry with myself for falling for her, rejected since she ran back to the ex after he "rescued" her, etc.
But I didn't have to drink over it. I learned a valuable lesson about following ALL recommendations, as well as being more guarded with my feelings, and survived my first real test. I still pray for her to come around every day. Not so we can be together... so that she can BE at all.
I graduate from the outpatient program Wednsday, and unlike my stint at inpatient I am very sad to be leaving my group. If we get down to the rigorous honesty deal, a large part of it is that by now I am a big fish in a little pond there... I'm sneaking up on 4 months and the next closest person is at like 35 days. People actually look up to me (ME!) and ask me for advice. But it's time to let go and be the little fish again in the sea of AA. I can still be there for them if/when they need me though, phones are such a neat invention...
Anyway that's where I am at tonight. I hope anyone who reads this and is struggling can get something from it. If life sucks right now, give recovery a chance. I kicked and screamed all the way through my first 2 months; everyone who loves me had given up hope and was dreading that phone call from the sheriff/coroner's office. If it's working for me I promise it can and will work for you.
This is my second post. My first one was me all emo and raging, a little after 2 months, still not wanting to accept I had a problem. So to anyone who read it and especially to those who took the time to reply, thank you so much.
Since then I've moved along in the steps and begun to discover this mysterious "serenity" thing. I'm writing my fourth step now, which has been kinda unpleasant but I guess that's the point. I'll hopefully be reading it to God and my sponsor this weekend, although I refuse to rush it so they might have to wait a while longer. It is helping me realize what a crappy, dishonest person I've been since even before I discovered alcohol. Hell, I lied by omission in my first post on here. I was crawling inside a bottle 5-7 times a week and drove drunk huuuundreds of times. I manipulated people and was completely self-centered. I hurt people who loved me, strangers, everyone around me. Like a giant, irresponsible wrecking ball of sh*t.
But I don't have to be that way any more. I'm embracing this idea of a higher power and it's a huge relief that I can trust in something greater than myself. I'm doing the things I need to do like CLEANING and LAUNDRY and PAYING BILLS (omg). I'm getting stuff done at work: my boss is doing backflips. I find myself showing up early to meetings just to hang out and help set up. I'm in a great sober living community and I trust every one of these guys like a brother. I try to make a meeting every day and I get so much out of it, especially speaker meetings. But most notably I have developed this skill I've always lacked: I can say to myself "this is a terrible ****ing idea", and then NOT do it.
Now before you write this off to the pink cloud (yes I know it's my username)... I still have bad days, sure. I went against one single teensy little recommendation and immediately fell for a girl in my IOP group... who proceeded to relapse HARD, get referred to inpatient, drive drunk that night and flip her car, was ejected, DUI, the whole thing. She was fairly OK miraculously... so she went to treatment. Then she got her ex to bail her out after 2 days and is out there again. This had me feeling pretty disappointed once I finally accepted it wasn't going to work out between us, then angry with myself for falling for her, rejected since she ran back to the ex after he "rescued" her, etc.
But I didn't have to drink over it. I learned a valuable lesson about following ALL recommendations, as well as being more guarded with my feelings, and survived my first real test. I still pray for her to come around every day. Not so we can be together... so that she can BE at all.
I graduate from the outpatient program Wednsday, and unlike my stint at inpatient I am very sad to be leaving my group. If we get down to the rigorous honesty deal, a large part of it is that by now I am a big fish in a little pond there... I'm sneaking up on 4 months and the next closest person is at like 35 days. People actually look up to me (ME!) and ask me for advice. But it's time to let go and be the little fish again in the sea of AA. I can still be there for them if/when they need me though, phones are such a neat invention...
Anyway that's where I am at tonight. I hope anyone who reads this and is struggling can get something from it. If life sucks right now, give recovery a chance. I kicked and screamed all the way through my first 2 months; everyone who loves me had given up hope and was dreading that phone call from the sheriff/coroner's office. If it's working for me I promise it can and will work for you.
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