I can't live like this anymore!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 41
I can't live like this anymore!!!!
Hi everyone, I am....ummm...never said it before but I guess I will say it now...I am an alcoholic....there, I said it. Yes, I am an alcoholic and have been for about 10 years. I am a 33 yr old mom of 4 children, wife to an amazing man and step mom to 3 precious kids. I came on this website a little while back but wasn't ready but now I AM!!!! I have had ENOUGH and I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!
Here's my story...
My father is an alcoholic who has been sober for 23 years. I was raised in a strict Baptist home. Started drinking socially at 15 yrs old..YIKES...got married to my high school sweetheart..YUCK....sorry, but referring to him as "sweetheart" is a little weird. Anyway, married the guy I dated in high school at 21 yrs old. Had a semi good marriage. I became close to my sister in law who drank pretty much every night. I used to think it was so strange to drink that much, but her life seemed so "held together" if that makes sense....great husband, good job, nice house, cute kids...the whole "white picket fence" thing going on....One day, on the way home from work, I bought a 6 pack of beer and drank about 2 when I got home. I immediately thought "wow, this is so relaxing, I could do this everynight" So....that's when weekend binge drinking turned into 1-2 nights during the week (still coudn't bring myself to drink EVERY night). A few years later I got pregnant, lost the baby and then lost 4 more after that. Now THAT took a toll on my emotions. Instead of dealing with the greif, I drank. I drank and drank and drank. My husband would tell me that I drink too much, but other than that, didn't try to ever stop me or change how he acted toward me. So I thought....hmmmm, cool....I can get away with this....Come home every night...cook dinner, then sit on the back porch and smoke and drink. Yes, I smoke too...I would litteraly chain smoke and drink until I became very tipsy then go to bed. It was so easy, I didn't have to deal with any pain....And I would also chat with my sis in law on the phone the whole time because she was doing the same thing. I got to the point where I would NEVER get hangovers anymore. I would drink 6 beers about 3-4 nights a week and every weekend I would have 9-12 at a time. Life was GREAT!!! I was quite the social butterfly at the time and people LOVED it when I came to parties because I would ALWAYS drink with them and hang till wee hours of the morning.
My husband and I still wanted children very badly so we looked into adoption. Long story short we adopted a sweet little 2 yr old girl from Ukraine. Went back 2 yrs later and adopted her bio siblings who were 6 & 8 at the time. Life should have been great, but it wasn't. My kids were amazing, but I was not happy in my marriage or with my life. I loved my husband with all my heart, but we just weren't connected anymore. Less than one year after our 2nd adoption, I find out I am pregnant!!!! Totally not planned and I was scared to death!! Knowing I would miscarry, I was depressed the entire 1st trimester. Well, the little one hung in there and I gave birth to my little boy. God had totally blessed the lives of my and my husband but I still felt like something was not right in my life. My husband started pulling away from me and I started drinking again. Not as much, but it was still too much. One day, he seemed so different, like he had completely checked out of the marriage. I knew there had to be another woman. Turns out, there was....to make the story worse, she was his step sister....one of my dear and closest friends....(no, not the one I mentioned at the beginning of this story...or should I say novel). I totally trusted this woman, she was even the maid of honor in our wedding. What had happened was, he was unhappy with me and went to her for advice. I knew he would stay the night with her sometimes, but I didn't think anything of it...He was working in her area a few days a month and she was his sister for goodness sake!!!! They grew up together, so it's not like they just met. So he went to her for advice and they way he put it..."we started to fall in love, we couldn't stop it". Now I know I did my part in our marriage going down the tubes, but THIS???? So, I vowed to quit drinking, we went to a counselor, but he just couldn't get over her. So, he left and they moved in together right away. Very traumatizing on the kids. I put ALL my faith in God during that time, stopped drinking for about 4 months but I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like God had forsaken me. I started partying hard at that point. I still faithfully went to church every Sunday, Wed, and pretty much anytime the doors were open. I had 2 sets of friends...My church friends who knew nothing of my party life, and my party friends, who were so much fun!!! I was like 2 people, enjoying 2 lives. I felt that as long as I had part of me that went to church, I was going to be okay. When it all got worse was when my brother moved in with me...oh yeah, I forgot to mention him....he is an alcoholic as well. Drinks heavily every night until he passes out. Well, he was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay. I started drinking every single night with him. It was so much fun! We would grill out and drink and drink and drink. Finally, someone who understood me and didn't judge me!!! Then I met a wonderful man. He didn't drink as much as me, but didn't judge me either. Our relationship went from casual to very serious in a matter of weeks. Again, long story short (I keep saying that) after a rocky relationship (my drinking and his jealousy were the main issues) we broke up. During that time he showed me how amazing he really was and after about 6 months of him not giving up on me, we got back together. Not long after that we got married. We have been married now for about 4 months. He doesn't like my drinking but doesn't say much about it. But I KNOW it will end up destroying our marriage, just like my last one.
Right now I drink about every other night, but now it is to the point where I can't remember ANYTHING after the 3rd or 4th beer or glass of wine. It's so weird because I used to never blackout like that. It is really starting to scare me now. Also, last week I was on the way to work when I realized that I was still drunk from the night before. I never drink and drive, so I went back home and had to get my husband to take me to work. Very embarrasing. I think that is the point where I KNEW I had a major problem!!! So........I NEED HELP!!!! I need support and not judgement...I'll get enough of that from God....I have decided that I am going to quit drinking and quit smoking (I only smoke when I am drinking, but I swear, I can smoke a whole pack in one night) I am quitting for my marriage, for my kids, for myself and most importantly for God!! How can I be the person he wants me to be with this poison always in me? I need to be clean from this crap!!!! But HOW???
Thanks to the ones who made it this far....I didn't mean for it to be this long, but it felt good to get all of this out!
Here's my story...
My father is an alcoholic who has been sober for 23 years. I was raised in a strict Baptist home. Started drinking socially at 15 yrs old..YIKES...got married to my high school sweetheart..YUCK....sorry, but referring to him as "sweetheart" is a little weird. Anyway, married the guy I dated in high school at 21 yrs old. Had a semi good marriage. I became close to my sister in law who drank pretty much every night. I used to think it was so strange to drink that much, but her life seemed so "held together" if that makes sense....great husband, good job, nice house, cute kids...the whole "white picket fence" thing going on....One day, on the way home from work, I bought a 6 pack of beer and drank about 2 when I got home. I immediately thought "wow, this is so relaxing, I could do this everynight" So....that's when weekend binge drinking turned into 1-2 nights during the week (still coudn't bring myself to drink EVERY night). A few years later I got pregnant, lost the baby and then lost 4 more after that. Now THAT took a toll on my emotions. Instead of dealing with the greif, I drank. I drank and drank and drank. My husband would tell me that I drink too much, but other than that, didn't try to ever stop me or change how he acted toward me. So I thought....hmmmm, cool....I can get away with this....Come home every night...cook dinner, then sit on the back porch and smoke and drink. Yes, I smoke too...I would litteraly chain smoke and drink until I became very tipsy then go to bed. It was so easy, I didn't have to deal with any pain....And I would also chat with my sis in law on the phone the whole time because she was doing the same thing. I got to the point where I would NEVER get hangovers anymore. I would drink 6 beers about 3-4 nights a week and every weekend I would have 9-12 at a time. Life was GREAT!!! I was quite the social butterfly at the time and people LOVED it when I came to parties because I would ALWAYS drink with them and hang till wee hours of the morning.
My husband and I still wanted children very badly so we looked into adoption. Long story short we adopted a sweet little 2 yr old girl from Ukraine. Went back 2 yrs later and adopted her bio siblings who were 6 & 8 at the time. Life should have been great, but it wasn't. My kids were amazing, but I was not happy in my marriage or with my life. I loved my husband with all my heart, but we just weren't connected anymore. Less than one year after our 2nd adoption, I find out I am pregnant!!!! Totally not planned and I was scared to death!! Knowing I would miscarry, I was depressed the entire 1st trimester. Well, the little one hung in there and I gave birth to my little boy. God had totally blessed the lives of my and my husband but I still felt like something was not right in my life. My husband started pulling away from me and I started drinking again. Not as much, but it was still too much. One day, he seemed so different, like he had completely checked out of the marriage. I knew there had to be another woman. Turns out, there was....to make the story worse, she was his step sister....one of my dear and closest friends....(no, not the one I mentioned at the beginning of this story...or should I say novel). I totally trusted this woman, she was even the maid of honor in our wedding. What had happened was, he was unhappy with me and went to her for advice. I knew he would stay the night with her sometimes, but I didn't think anything of it...He was working in her area a few days a month and she was his sister for goodness sake!!!! They grew up together, so it's not like they just met. So he went to her for advice and they way he put it..."we started to fall in love, we couldn't stop it". Now I know I did my part in our marriage going down the tubes, but THIS???? So, I vowed to quit drinking, we went to a counselor, but he just couldn't get over her. So, he left and they moved in together right away. Very traumatizing on the kids. I put ALL my faith in God during that time, stopped drinking for about 4 months but I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like God had forsaken me. I started partying hard at that point. I still faithfully went to church every Sunday, Wed, and pretty much anytime the doors were open. I had 2 sets of friends...My church friends who knew nothing of my party life, and my party friends, who were so much fun!!! I was like 2 people, enjoying 2 lives. I felt that as long as I had part of me that went to church, I was going to be okay. When it all got worse was when my brother moved in with me...oh yeah, I forgot to mention him....he is an alcoholic as well. Drinks heavily every night until he passes out. Well, he was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay. I started drinking every single night with him. It was so much fun! We would grill out and drink and drink and drink. Finally, someone who understood me and didn't judge me!!! Then I met a wonderful man. He didn't drink as much as me, but didn't judge me either. Our relationship went from casual to very serious in a matter of weeks. Again, long story short (I keep saying that) after a rocky relationship (my drinking and his jealousy were the main issues) we broke up. During that time he showed me how amazing he really was and after about 6 months of him not giving up on me, we got back together. Not long after that we got married. We have been married now for about 4 months. He doesn't like my drinking but doesn't say much about it. But I KNOW it will end up destroying our marriage, just like my last one.
Right now I drink about every other night, but now it is to the point where I can't remember ANYTHING after the 3rd or 4th beer or glass of wine. It's so weird because I used to never blackout like that. It is really starting to scare me now. Also, last week I was on the way to work when I realized that I was still drunk from the night before. I never drink and drive, so I went back home and had to get my husband to take me to work. Very embarrasing. I think that is the point where I KNEW I had a major problem!!! So........I NEED HELP!!!! I need support and not judgement...I'll get enough of that from God....I have decided that I am going to quit drinking and quit smoking (I only smoke when I am drinking, but I swear, I can smoke a whole pack in one night) I am quitting for my marriage, for my kids, for myself and most importantly for God!! How can I be the person he wants me to be with this poison always in me? I need to be clean from this crap!!!! But HOW???
Thanks to the ones who made it this far....I didn't mean for it to be this long, but it felt good to get all of this out!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
jwolf, I have been encouraged to write as much as I can, so please do the same! Take it all out of your chest - I know it feels great!
Hope it will all work out for you, it seems like you have a lot to be grateful for. It's worth the fight. Won't be easy but there's people here to listen and to support you.
God bless!
Hope it will all work out for you, it seems like you have a lot to be grateful for. It's worth the fight. Won't be easy but there's people here to listen and to support you.
God bless!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Jwolf,
God is not judging you. God is crying with you and for you and is longing for you to return to Him as the prodigal son returned to his father. Please look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your phone book or on line. Call the hotline. Find out where there is a meeting. Go. Tell them what you have told us. Trust me, you will be welcomed. We have all been there. No judgment here. You don't have to continue living as you are, but you will have to take some action if you want your life to be different.
Susan
God is not judging you. God is crying with you and for you and is longing for you to return to Him as the prodigal son returned to his father. Please look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your phone book or on line. Call the hotline. Find out where there is a meeting. Go. Tell them what you have told us. Trust me, you will be welcomed. We have all been there. No judgment here. You don't have to continue living as you are, but you will have to take some action if you want your life to be different.
Susan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you're back!
I, too, found blackouts common in the last months of my drinking and they are so scary. It's awful to have blocks of time when you have no memory whatsoever of what happened.
I'm glad you've decided to live a sober life.
I'm glad you're back!
I, too, found blackouts common in the last months of my drinking and they are so scary. It's awful to have blocks of time when you have no memory whatsoever of what happened.
I'm glad you've decided to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 26
I'm still reeling over your first husband having an affair with his step-sister. YIKES! My first husband (also my HS sweethart) decided he was gay after 3 years and 2 kids. I think your story trumps mine.
I'm glad you are ready to do something about your drinking. Good luck!!
I'm glad you are ready to do something about your drinking. Good luck!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome to SR Jwolf 
Thanks for sharing your story - although not everything that happened to you happened to me, I can definitely relate to the alcoholism element in your story.
The people here helped me turn my life around. You'll find a lot of support here too
D
Thanks for sharing your story - although not everything that happened to you happened to me, I can definitely relate to the alcoholism element in your story.
The people here helped me turn my life around. You'll find a lot of support here too
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by jwolf 
Oh wow Nonya, that's terrible!!!
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. The mornings are easy, afternoons are okay, but it is night that kills me. But one day a a time, right?
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. The mornings are easy, afternoons are okay, but it is night that kills me. But one day a a time, right?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi jwolf and welcome!:day6
It takes courage to face alcoholism and you did that today - yea!
Support is the key to getting through those first days, and we're here for you. Things are going to get better.....
It takes courage to face alcoholism and you did that today - yea!
Support is the key to getting through those first days, and we're here for you. Things are going to get better..... 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Welcome jwolf. This is a great place for support, it has changed my life.
Blackouts are scary. I'm so grateful that I didn't seriously injure or kill someone.
I can relate to the part of your story where alcohol is involved. It is fun in the beginning, but then it's not fun anymore. I got to the point where I thought i needed it to just survive. How untrue that is!
You can have a great sober life. It does take work. A recovery program is very important for me. I go to AA meetings. That and SR have changed my life.
Find something that works for you and stick with it because you are worth it!
God bless.
Blackouts are scary. I'm so grateful that I didn't seriously injure or kill someone.
I can relate to the part of your story where alcohol is involved. It is fun in the beginning, but then it's not fun anymore. I got to the point where I thought i needed it to just survive. How untrue that is!
You can have a great sober life. It does take work. A recovery program is very important for me. I go to AA meetings. That and SR have changed my life.
Find something that works for you and stick with it because you are worth it!
God bless.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome jwolf. I SO wish I had come to that realization when I was your age. I went on for many more years, trying to control the amounts I drank. I destroyed my life with it. This won't be you - you can turn the whole thing around and have a beautiful life.
Keep reaching out. SR is a great place where you can come anytime of the day or night & someone's around to listen & understand. You're not alone anymore.
Keep reaching out. SR is a great place where you can come anytime of the day or night & someone's around to listen & understand. You're not alone anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Welcome back jwolf, This is a progressive disease so its great that you are here now before it really takes over your life. I also found that the alcohol was staying in my system longer (probably because my liver was unable to process it all) and the hangovers were getting far worse & last but not least blacking out was starting to be a regular occasion and the consequences were getting worse & worse. What a horrible spiral to be in the middle of.
Keep posting & sharing, we are all here to help each other along this path of sobriety. You can do this! All of the best of your recovery - NB
Keep posting & sharing, we are all here to help each other along this path of sobriety. You can do this! All of the best of your recovery - NB
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hey! You won't be judged here at all! We've all done some questionable things. I'm glad you are here! I'm happy you came back, you have a lot of strength! Be grateful for what hasn't happened as a result of drinking. Things could be a lot worse. ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Welcome jwolf. I SO wish I had come to that realization when I was your age. I went on for many more years, trying to control the amounts I drank. I destroyed my life with it. This won't be you - you can turn the whole thing around and have a beautiful life.
Keep reaching out. SR is a great place where you can come anytime of the day or night & someone's around to listen & understand. You're not alone anymore.
Keep reaching out. SR is a great place where you can come anytime of the day or night & someone's around to listen & understand. You're not alone anymore.
And thank you to everyone else! I can see that there is so much support here and I am so glad I found this group!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 46
Welcome!!!! These are great boards to talk... express whats going on. I have found so much comfort in these boards especially when I feel like a failure the day after I drink (again).
You are a good person..... keep it real! Keep it smiling!!
You are a good person..... keep it real! Keep it smiling!!
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