Kingman063

Alaskasunshine,
I would say you have more to be thankful for and more to fight for than you know...The fact that you have never crossed into the land of no return and actually killed someone or yourself is where you should start...I truly think if you focus your mind on your good fortunes and what you STILL have you'll find something worth fighting for. As you know it wont be easy,but you sound like you want to win this or you wouldn't be seeking advice/help...good luck to you.

NewBeginning010

The simple cold hard truth is you can do this by following one simple rule.

1) Do not pick up that first drink.

Its hard but you can do it, you just have to keep doing it, one moment/day at a time.

Why are you picking up that first drink?

All of the best in your recovery

EDIT: I just wanted to clarify... when I say simple I dont mean easy... I battled this beast for a while trying to control it until I was finally completely & utterly sick & tired of being sick & tired. Nothing is worth the pain, misery & suffering that putting this poison into those of us that are alcoholics causes .... Nothing! (Not just our pain but the pain we cause others as well).

Its much easier to just let it go, you just have to get used to not fighting it & holding on. When you really think of what you get from your drinking is it really worth picking up that first drink? I think not, actually I know not ;-)

Hooped

If I thought I could still control it or still handle it, I would still be drinking.
After a lot of failed attempts, and an awful lot of work, I know now that I can never drink again.
It is simply no longer an option, no matter what happens.
I accept that.
You can too.

keithj

Well, then they are full of crap and can't help you with the AA program. Sorry to be blunt, but the rooms of AA are filled with people that know very little about AA.

However, if you look hard enough for the less popular, less club like AA meetings, Primary Purpose meetings, closed meetings, etc., you will find recovered alcoholics that share about a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps.

Action, taken with direction from the BB and a sponsor with experience in that, leads to being recovered.

DaveVelasco

There is always hope. You may not be able to fully recover and put away such habit, but you can gradually and slowly take it away. I am in the process of recovering too and instead of always being sober, I make my time more productive by doing something productive and fun instead of being sober. There is always a room for improvement - it is just that some people don't have self-discipline that's why they stay and don't change for the better. Good for you that you are really aiming for a change despite of some instances that it does not work for you. As a new member in this forum, I personally expect that this forum would help me a lot in changing for the better and also helping others as possible as I can along with other members too.

Zebra1275

It sounds like you haven't completed Step 1 of AA. It's the only step that you need to score 100% on, but without that, the rest of the steps are futile.

I still think I can control it. I think I can handle it.

I don't think you can. I don't know what Alaska's laws are, but a 3rd dui around here would put you in jail. If you keep pushing the envelope . . .

langkah

Beautiful country Alaska, but so gloomy in the Winter. I remember stopping for a moose on the freeway and enjoying the little town of Seward the other side of Turnaround Bay. At least you know there are 19 hr sunshine days ahead.

If you've put together 5 months in 5 years then there is something way wrong, and from here it's impossible to guess what that might be. Are you still smoking dope, violating your personal moral code, living a double life, using people, kidding yourself...could be so many things on your side of the street. On the other side are you hanging with people who want to use you instead of help you, members who rely on something other than their spiritual development to improve their lives, takers instead of givers, people wanting anything at all from you...again it could be so many things.

Pretty obvious that something is blocking your efforts.

If you shake things up and start fresh with whichever group in Anchorage is thought of as far too serious about AA, way too unreasonable, demanding, and inflexible regarding how to do AA then you may get different results. You'd obviously not be leaving behind anything of value to your sobriety to go elsewhere and try to dig deeper into the solution AA offers.

Wish I could be of more help...can say that I feel the most hope for the hopeless ones, that don't have better ideas left to try. That's often the point that amazing turnarounds take place. I hope that for you.

desertsong

I agree with Zebra. The first step of AA is recognizing that you are powerless over alcohol. Alcoholism has nothing to do with self control ... if that were true, there would be no alcoholics! People always used to tell me, "Why don't you just stop?" HA! If only it were that easy. I tried the "control" thing many times. I was doing 10-12 mini Jack Daniels every day (or more). Every day I'd say, "Okay, I'll just start tapering off. Today I'll do 12, tomorrow I'll do 11, the next day I'll do 10 ..." until I was completely off the stuff. Did it work? What do YOU think? lol Once you get over the idea that you can get your drinking "under control," then you'll be able to move forward.

I never thought in a million years that I would go to AA ... but I've been going and it's doing wonders for me. Hearing other people's stories and realizing that you aren't alone is eye-opening, encouraging and comforting. If you don't like one group, try another. Just get some support, and keep coming back to SR. You can do this.

Saliena

Honestly I think I must have picked up 20 white chips (truly I am not kidding) before I finally got it to stick. As of today I am on 36 days sober and Step 4 of AA's step that is honestly the furthest I ever got. Well I did have more sober time in the past.. but, was only attending meetings and thinking about how much I could drink once I got out of that damn meeting!

But, honestly until you decide you want to stop drinking.. then things will not change. Right now it sounds like you want to drink without consquences... And, it just doesn't work that way.. you have to want to quit.. you have to want it with everything with in you. Then you have to have a plan of action... which is layed out in the BB.. but, you have to really give yourself to it. If you don't and if you just go to meetings and listen to other people's stories you will never get it.

Good luck!

augustwest

Recovery begins with surrender. In my program i had to truly internalize steps 1 & 2. They are not something i could pay lip service to. They were not an assignment to be filled out and moved on from. Trust me, i did that, and always drank and used again.

But when i literally conceded to my innermost self that i am alcoholic, that when i drink i can't stop no matter what, that my chaotic life was caused by this drinking, that i truly wanted to stop, that i can not stop by power of will alone, and that there was a group of people and a power accessable to me that i truly believed could rescue me...

everything changed.

WakeUp

If that's what your AA group is telling you then you need to dump that group FAST, and find a group that teaches how to recover from the Big Book.

Do not delay, DUMP THAT GROUP, and find a sponsor and a group that will take you through the Big Book.

augustwest

AMEN! Meetings are incredibly important, but the meetings are not the program. The steps are the program!

jocata

I've been the same way before. Having good periods of sobriety, then thinking I can control it. Well guess what, my research has proven otherwise. I have to fully, 100% do and accept step 1. If I don't, then I will go back out. I have to work that step every single day, or my built in forgeter will go to work and I'll drink or drug again.

You can get all the advice on here that you want, but until you completely accept that first step your screwed.

God bless.

laurie6781

(((((alaskasunshine))))))

Something else that I forgot to mention. I know how bad the 'winter darkness' up there can be (a long story) and back when I experienced it there was 'no such thing' as "Sunlight light bulbs".

However, still have friends that live year round in Alaska, and yes some are in recovery, they have ALL told me how much those 'light bulbs' have helped their WINTER DEPRESSION. I also know that in the larger towns and cities, every store that carries light bulbs practically, carries those SUNLIGHT light bulbs.

How about getting some of those to put in your Lamps in your home? Living room, bedroom, kitchen? I do believe they will help.

And, of course, not drinking will also help with the depression, as alcohol is a 'depressant' and does increase depression over time.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LoftyIdeals

Welcome back, Alaska. It's good to hear from you again. This has got to be the most frustrating fight any of us have endeavored. But, you need to give it time. And, you need to surrender to the fact that you have a disease or condition that requires you to forego alcohol, and other substances. It's simple, but not easy.

This Saturday, I will celebrate 5 months. I haven't done that in 26 years. Like you, I put together a month or two here and there over the decades, and went to meetings when things got bad, but couldn't see myself in a life without alcohol. So, my life skipped across the bottom of the lake, where the bottom-feeders live. Now, I can only choose to live sober today, but I can't imagine living in that rut again. I've got a lot of growing up still to do, and have accepted that I am not on anyones clock to do that except mine and God's. But, I've found peace, and confidence, and self-esteem, and self-respect, and love, and fun, and laughter, and joy and happiness. Need I go on? Stop living the life of misery, and join us on the lighter side of life. It's the best high there is.

tunes01

Seems "Hopeless" but I made it for 7 years once before...relapsed about 7 years ago and lost everything important to me. I started AA again last week and hopefully will re-build. Living in Anchorage makes it touch to stay sober! I lived off of Northern Lights Blvd for a couple of years and spent a small fortune at Chilcoot Charlie's and Clinks (Clinkerdagger, Bikerschtaff and Petts)...

Sapling

Yeah....I got thrown out of the Bush Company...Good times in Alaska...Better times in AA..Good luck rebuilding tunes...

Dee74

welcome to SR tunes01

D

freshstart57

OK, I didn't do AA, BUT, the first thing I did when I decided I was done, I POURED OUT ALL THE BOOZE. Start there.

langkah

Did the dramatic gestures often enough to know they're not meaningful. Fishing the bottles out of the trashcan semi-silently hours later.

Once I was involved in doing the AA stuff I'd no problem with the vino and beer and hard stuff the ex kept all over the house. She'd have been seriously pissed had I continually poured out her highly rated merlot or her cute and colorful little Mex beers.

Save me from snob normal drinkers who never know what the bottom of their $30 yuppie discussion wine of the month looks like.

The booze turned out to not be the problem after all.