Maharg23

Quick rundown. She has been drinking all her adult life. She uses it to help her self esteem. When we met I noticed she acted so odd with being drunk I couldnt stand who she was when on it. So I asked her to stop. She said she would try. This was 6 years ago. In the last 6 years she would stop here and there but never truly stop and would lie to me about it constantly. 5 years ago b4 we got married about a week before she ruined my car while driving drunk with my beloved dog. They were both ok but it totaled my car.

That didn't teach her a lesson. Long story short she got a DWI on May2nd 2010 a day after we buried my father. The worst day of my life. She had the nerve to go out drunk and get a DWI. Im not working right now and wasn't back then either. She got 8 month loss of DL and 1 year breath test in her car. its almost time for that device to come off. She hasn't had a drink since. She does take extra Clonopin but that's another story for another day. She now a year and a half later wants to drink so bad its ruining my marriage. She is miserable about it. (she blew a .23 for the dwi)Here is her day. Get up at 6 am to go to her office job. Comes home around 4. Goes to the bathroom with her NEW Laptop that I just bought her as a gift. Then goes into her bedroom with the laptop all while im min the living room begging her to come watch tv with me. Then Ill make dinner and tell her its ready. She will in fact sit in the living room and watch tv with me while eating dinner. Then she goes to the bathroom and comes back out. She will lay down around 5:45 and by 6:15 she will be sound asleep. She will wake up around 9 we argue about not spending time together and she goes back to sleep. Who in the hell needs 12 hours sleep a night to work? Anyway she admitted to me tonight that she is having a really hard time with not drinking. REALLY hard. She feels worthless as it is and drinking would help her feel better albiet for the time being. I know that I cant take this anymore and im about to leave. But I love her so damn much that I dont leave. I want to stick by her thru thick and thin. I love her that much. But wtf is this funk she is in. All she wants to do is sleep. sleep.sleep. I love her to much to watch her go down like this. It wasnt even this bad when she got the dwi. It was easy for her because she felt ashamed. Now she doesnt. She just wants to drink. Its ruining our marriage. She says she isnt happy but yea some becuase im not working cant find a job but mostly about herself.

My question is as a faithful husband how do I handle this? Let her do whatever the hell she wants and fall asleep at 6 to wake up at 6 or what do I do? We argue every night about it and I just dont understand where she is coming from. So she needs a drink? Why not just NOT need a drink. Doesnt she understand her whole life has been ****** up becuase of booze? Why doesnt that stop her. What do I do as a husband do to help her thru this and finally spend some time with me. As a married man I never EVER felt so alone. I also think she wants me to leave something about im making you unhappy so you would be better off somewhere else. NOT TRUE when she isnt ****** up and just acts normal she is the only girl in the world for me.

PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY WIFE. sorry for any typos

Impurrfect

(((Maharg))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

The bad news is, it's up to your wife to choose whether or not to drink. The good news is, there are a LOT of people here in your same situation, and hearing your story, with slight variations..well, you're not alone.

I recommend you read through posts on this forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

When I first got here, I read and read, then read some more. I'm a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still addicts. I thought I could fix them, that I could make them see they didn't need to keep using/drinking. I'm not that powerful, and none of us are. No one could make ME get clean until I was ready.

This doesn't mean your destined to a miserable life, or that you have to leave her -that is totally your decision. You can, however, learn how to live life to its fullest, regardless of what she does.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hanna

Hey Marharg23 - Welcome to Sober Recovery. Glad you found us, but sorry about the events that brought you here.

The friends and Family of Alcoholics has a great deal of helpful information, and other people dealing with problems like you are describing are there, too.

You can start by reading all the stickies at the top and then checking out the posts below. It's really helpful to know others have walked in our shoes, and they can give a great deal of good advice for you.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

The most important thing is to begin understanding that:
You didn't cause this
You can't cure this
You can't control it

But there are many things you can do for yourself to deal with living with and loving someone that is addicted to alcohol.

More help will be along soon.

~ Hanna

EmeraldRose

Welcome Maharg...Sparta...I'm originally from the Wayne area.
I'm sorry you are having such difficulties understanding your wife's addiction. Might there be another reason why she is so tired? You mentioned clonopin...I don't know what that is but do you think she's taking a depressant or some such drugs?
If I were you I'd fall into some family threads here and join Alanon. That might give you a better understanding of 'why' she can't stop and has obssessive feelings about drinking.
Things won't change until she wants to change.
Wishing you peace and strength.

harleyq

Hi Marharg, Your post hurts my heart. Your wife is not drinking but it seems that the obsession still has her in its grip. Is professional help an option? I have heard that PAWS can last for over a year after stopping alcohol. It takes that long for the brain to get back to normal. I'm not saying that is it, it could be a number of things. I wish the best for you and her.

Justfor1

Her taking "extra" Klonopin is probably the reason she is sleeping so much. Alcoholics tend to love benzo type drugs as it works in a similar way to booze. It does help anxiety though & she may need it. I am a serious recovering alcoholic who gets a few benzos a month to use in emergencies. I think I tended to drink to solve my anxiety /depression issues.

dawnrunner

She sounds very unhappy and so do you.

Are there changes you can both make that would ramp up your energy levels? Frankly sitting on the couch watching TV does not thrill me as a couples activity. What about going out for a walk together after dinner? Playing a game? Taking your dog to obedience class (if you have one)? Taking a class together? Ballroom dance, Chinese cooking, Tai Chi, whatever.

If you are not working and are at home all day, what are you doing? Are you opening new doors in life, exercising your mind, giving her something new to come home to?

You can't change her desire to drink, but you can change your own life to make it more alive for both of you. If her day is an endless round of get up, go to work, come home, and watch TV, there is very little to distract her from the desire to escape into a haze.

Anyway I hope you both find your way to health, sanity, and happiness. Coming to this board is a great first step.

Zebra1275

Are you sure she is not drinking while she is spending all that time in the bathroom? To come home from work, hide out for an hour and then fall sound asleep sounds pretty suspicious to me.

Maharg23

Yes sometimes I do think she drinks. But after the fight last night Im starting to think she is being honest when she says she hasnt. She is really fighting it badly. The one poster is probably correct, she is taking clonopin to solve her drinking woes. It gives her a drunk feel. It certainly makes her act drunk enough. Last night she said she doesn't know how long she can go on like this. She is miserable and it has very little to do with me. She said maybe id be better off elsewhere because she doesn't know how long this is going to last. I told her ill stick around for her but how long do these fight with wanting to drink last? I mean like she said, she could want a drink because its a nice day or its raining or we had a fight or she had a bad day at work there r a million reason why an aclky wants a drink. I cant stand seeing her like this and she is extremely depressed. When I do ask her to go out and do something she always says no. Except on Weekends. On Weekends our relationship is perfectly fine.

I should mention I have Tourette Syndrome and she has always handled that very well. But its getting me not hire-able at most places. two year and 20 interviews later im still without work. I think this is her number 1 reason she has fallen down like this. Without Tourettes im 1,000% sure id have a job by now. Ive heard more excuses than anything ever before. It gets her down so much. Yea I had a great interview and her being all happy but then they never call. Its like an emotional roller coaster.

Maharg23

Another question I have is how do some of you guys handle it when you want a drink really bad? Is there anything in the world I can do to help her cope? I would do it. Id do anything. I dont believe in divorce and its not something I want to do. What else is there? If she is so miserable how can I not think its me making her miserable and wanting that drink. I turned down two jobs in the last year because it would have left her alone at night. One job would have taken me out of state for 5 days a week and the ohter would have kept me out of the house until around 10 pm every night. Im doing the best I can to help her avoid alcohol. (the 10 pm job at night would have sucked hard anyway)

Programmer27

She has to want it. You literally can't do anything. I've had my gf take away my car keys (drive me to work), take my money and cards (give me lunch money), and make me check in with her all the time. She treated me like a child, and yea I was thankful for it... but you know what? I saved that lunch money, I walked a mile in the rain, and I bought alcohol eventually.

It wasn't until I almost lost everything that I decided... ya know what, it's starting to look easier to live and be happy without alcohol than to continue drinking. At this point I'm so tired of it that... it's not a desire anymore.

She doesn't have to get to that point... but all you can do is love and support her trying to be sober, encourage her, but... it's up to us (the alcoholic) to want it. I'm sorry I know this may be hard to hear.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, her being upset when shes sober is something I had to see a counselor and GP about... I was prescribed an anti-D... no idea if it does anything or not, but I know I'm happy right now, and the other people around me notice it.

Xyphen

Maharg23, welcome to SR. I'm no veteran to recovery so I can't give much advice except ask you a few questions. Have you searched through the house while she is asleep or at work to make sure there is absolutely no alcohol in the house? And Clonopin, is this a benzodiazapine? I'm taking that right now for alcohol withdrawals and, if taken in normal doses, should not make her seems drunk, just a little calm or sluggish. Combining the med with alcohol intensifies the effect. And as an alcoholic myself, I would make every excuse in the book, tell every lie I could think of, if it will allow me another drink. I'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend of 3 and a half years who supports me. And your wife is lucky to have you. But first you should be sure if everything she is telling you is the truth. Then you can consider perhaps planning an intervention, or just sitting down and telling her how you feel. Anyway, good luck to you. And keep reading through SR, specifically the Friends and Family section. It will help.

Also, I agree with what a lot of you have said. She absolutely has to want it for herself. When we quit for other people and not ourselves, eventually we resent them for it. And then in our alcoholic minds we convince ourselves that somehow we deserve to drink. For me, the withdrawals got so bad and I was tired of feel crappy. I'm only 10 days sober today but I play video games or do something with my girlfriend to get my mind off the craving. I try to stay away from doing things I used to do while drinking.

FT

Hi Maharg,

I feel so very sad for you and your wife. Everyone here wants so badly to help you.

There were quite a few things in your posts that made me stop and wonder about what could be going on. First, I wonder if the alcohol is the root of the problem -- often it is not the root but only one of the symptoms. You said your wife is extremely depressed -- is that a diagnosis or a guess?

With Tourette's, I'm sure you've run the gamut of medical visits to the place where you have had enough of that. Is your Tourette's in good control? Do you take medication for it? I only wonder these things because sometimes depressed people will try a number of things to feel better, including taking other people's medications. I'm not saying that's what she is doing in the bathroom, but it gave me pause.

I wonder what is different about the weekends? Could it be that her job is so awful that it could be part of the problem. She could be dealing with stressors beyond her ability to cope. Maybe she feels trapped.

Of course, it could be a lot of things, and as much as we want to help, we can't know what the real problem is, certainly if you don't even know.

I've hit a few spots of deep depression during my marriage, the worst of which was 10 years ago. I was so depressed, the doctors became exasperated when no medications helped, and I was offered ECT. That terrified me so much I quit the medications and did my own research and reading, and ultimately found a counselor that helped me tremendously. I feel very lucky my husband did not leave me during that horrible time of my life. It was not his fault. I was not even drinking or taking drugs during that time. For me, it seemed to have been situational depression and PTSD after extreme loss.

The best advice I think you can get would be for your wife to get a thorough psychiatric and medical evaluation. If it is depression, it has many causes, and as many treatments therefor. If it is medically related, it could be something simple. If it is situational, as in a job she hates and feels she has no escape from, that's another issue that can be explored.

Most depressed people want desperately to stop being depressed. It may be she says she wants to drink because those are the only brief moments of respite she can remember. Of course, drinking is a horrible antidepressant really. People often start abusing other drugs for the same reason.

No matter what it is, she is very lucky to have you. I don't know if she will listen to you and get some help for this. If she won't, you can still get help for yourself. Sometimes therapy begins with one person going before the other joins them. Sometimes they never do, but you can learn more about all this even on your own, with the help of a good therapist.

I hope you let us know how things go.

Much love,

FT

choublak

How are you managing YOUR issues? Sometimes loved ones of alcoholics get so caught up in taking care of the alcoholic, they forget to take care of themselves. Take care of you first and foremost.