New here, wife drinking and cheating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 6
New here, wife drinking and cheating
Background, I found out in July my wife was having an affair with a coworker for about 1 year. Wife promised to end it and didn't. I started using some techniques "Divorce Busting" to show my wife there was promise in our relationship. Wife had slowly responded to changes and commented on improvements. In October wife said she was going to end the affair. Caught some phone calls afterwards but I believe the affair is ending.
Since July my wife's drinking has picked up. She used to have 2-3 beers a night and now is at least a 6 pack every night and usually a 12 pack on weekend days. I avoided talking about the drinking hoping to stabilize our relationship first. But we seemed to hit a wall in our improvement and I was getting more concerned about her drinking. My mother in law, who I'm close with called me last week worried about my wife's drinking. Sister in law called also. Wife was snippy and drank a lot at Thanksgiving everyone noticed. Mother in law said she was worried to the point of not sleeping for several months now.
Sunday, my wife drank a 12 pack and was getting a bottle of whiskey out. It was up high and I asked her if she needed help. She snapped why are you watching me and later snapped about me making son's lunch tonight instead of morning. She said I need to think about the kids more. I said we both did and said I had something very important to talk about. I said while this may not do our marriage much good, her health was more important and said I was very concerned about her drinking. She got upset and said I was blowing things out of proportion. I then mentioned I wasn't the only one who was worried about her. I mentioned that her Mom and sister called me. She angrily said we will see and called Mom, she wasn't home so she called her sister, who wife was very close to, and sister answered. Wife got mad at sister called her a traitor and said she hated her. Wife later said she hated me. Wanted to take the kids and leave the state to get away from everyone. I told her there was a good chance our marriage can recover if we want it to but if it didn't I could not let her have custody of the kids unless she was sober.
I urged her to call her Mom, who my wife adored, because she was worried. Wife said Mom should have kept her nose out of this. I asked wife if she cared about anyone but herself and she said no.
From what I'm reading this is "normal" for someone who drinks like my wife does. I was assuming that attachment and withdrawals from the affair main road blocks in our relationship. The more I learn, the more alcohol seems to be the primary culprit. I have some questions.
My wife has apparrently not drank since Sunday. What are the chances she can quit by herself? Even if she is sneaking drinks she can't be drinking nearly as much as she was.
If she quits by herself or with help, can I expect to see some improvement in her? We had a good marriage and I hope we can rebuild it. How long might it be before some improvement might show up.
If she was drinking 2-3 beers a day could that have made her more vunerable to a affair? The other man pursued her for months.
How does alcoholism factor into child custody? I don't want a divorce at this time. But I'm concerned what will happen if wife, in her fog, files and tries to get custody kids or as a last resort I could pursue custody as a way to snap wife out of the fog. I was keeping a diary of her consumption and daily life, should I keep doing this for custody purposes?
Anything, other than working on myself (which I have been as part of my attempt at maritial recovery), that I can be to help and or encourage my wife into & in her recovery?
Any other advice on the relationship between alcoholism and infidelity?
I am going to be attending Al-Non on Friday. I'm looking forward to it.
Thanx,
1_4_All
Since July my wife's drinking has picked up. She used to have 2-3 beers a night and now is at least a 6 pack every night and usually a 12 pack on weekend days. I avoided talking about the drinking hoping to stabilize our relationship first. But we seemed to hit a wall in our improvement and I was getting more concerned about her drinking. My mother in law, who I'm close with called me last week worried about my wife's drinking. Sister in law called also. Wife was snippy and drank a lot at Thanksgiving everyone noticed. Mother in law said she was worried to the point of not sleeping for several months now.
Sunday, my wife drank a 12 pack and was getting a bottle of whiskey out. It was up high and I asked her if she needed help. She snapped why are you watching me and later snapped about me making son's lunch tonight instead of morning. She said I need to think about the kids more. I said we both did and said I had something very important to talk about. I said while this may not do our marriage much good, her health was more important and said I was very concerned about her drinking. She got upset and said I was blowing things out of proportion. I then mentioned I wasn't the only one who was worried about her. I mentioned that her Mom and sister called me. She angrily said we will see and called Mom, she wasn't home so she called her sister, who wife was very close to, and sister answered. Wife got mad at sister called her a traitor and said she hated her. Wife later said she hated me. Wanted to take the kids and leave the state to get away from everyone. I told her there was a good chance our marriage can recover if we want it to but if it didn't I could not let her have custody of the kids unless she was sober.
I urged her to call her Mom, who my wife adored, because she was worried. Wife said Mom should have kept her nose out of this. I asked wife if she cared about anyone but herself and she said no.
From what I'm reading this is "normal" for someone who drinks like my wife does. I was assuming that attachment and withdrawals from the affair main road blocks in our relationship. The more I learn, the more alcohol seems to be the primary culprit. I have some questions.
My wife has apparrently not drank since Sunday. What are the chances she can quit by herself? Even if she is sneaking drinks she can't be drinking nearly as much as she was.
If she quits by herself or with help, can I expect to see some improvement in her? We had a good marriage and I hope we can rebuild it. How long might it be before some improvement might show up.
If she was drinking 2-3 beers a day could that have made her more vunerable to a affair? The other man pursued her for months.
How does alcoholism factor into child custody? I don't want a divorce at this time. But I'm concerned what will happen if wife, in her fog, files and tries to get custody kids or as a last resort I could pursue custody as a way to snap wife out of the fog. I was keeping a diary of her consumption and daily life, should I keep doing this for custody purposes?
Anything, other than working on myself (which I have been as part of my attempt at maritial recovery), that I can be to help and or encourage my wife into & in her recovery?
Any other advice on the relationship between alcoholism and infidelity?
I am going to be attending Al-Non on Friday. I'm looking forward to it.
Thanx,
1_4_All
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi 1-4-all,
Welcome to soberrecovery. I am glad you found us. There are many here who are in similar situations. I know you want to keep your marriage together but this can't be a very good envronment for the kids. She could potentially quit by herself but it is very hard. If she is drinking that much she will have some type of physical withdrawl and it is best for her to consult a doctor.
Without some type of recovery, a dry alcoholic still has a lot of the same negative behaviors as one who is still drinking. The only thing gone is the alcohol. I know because I live with one. It can be very challenging but you are not going to get her to go into recovery any more than you are going to force her to quit drinking. All this has to be up to her.
One thing that I can tell you is that as long as she is drinking, you won't have to worry about her getting custody of the children. Even if she sobered up, she cannot take them away. They are your kids too. It is highly likely that if it does come down to a custody case then you will get custody of the children. This is what hapened to my husband.
It is very important that the alcoholic experience whatever consequences they are meant to. Usually that prompts them to get help sooner. Many times well meaning family members enable the alcoholic and keep the ienvironment condusive to drinking. Try not to walk on egg shells around her drinking. You know she's drinking too much and so does everyone else. Keep it out there and lay out some boundaries. I am sure you don't want her caring for the children when she's drunk. Let her know this. I would also keep documenting.
I don't know much about infedelity and alcoholism. I do know, being an addict myself, that when a person is addicted to substances, that's usually not the only thing they'll use to escape reality. We use food, shopping , sex, etc. All of the substances like drinking are merely a symptom of the disease of addiction which is a disease of character and behavior.
i admire your willingness to stand by your wife and see your family through this as long as you don't jeopardize your life in the process. I would like to invite you to the Alanon forum here on this board. Read the power posts on the top of that forum and you may want to cut and paste your post here.
Welcome to soberrecovery. I am glad you found us. There are many here who are in similar situations. I know you want to keep your marriage together but this can't be a very good envronment for the kids. She could potentially quit by herself but it is very hard. If she is drinking that much she will have some type of physical withdrawl and it is best for her to consult a doctor.
Without some type of recovery, a dry alcoholic still has a lot of the same negative behaviors as one who is still drinking. The only thing gone is the alcohol. I know because I live with one. It can be very challenging but you are not going to get her to go into recovery any more than you are going to force her to quit drinking. All this has to be up to her.
One thing that I can tell you is that as long as she is drinking, you won't have to worry about her getting custody of the children. Even if she sobered up, she cannot take them away. They are your kids too. It is highly likely that if it does come down to a custody case then you will get custody of the children. This is what hapened to my husband.
It is very important that the alcoholic experience whatever consequences they are meant to. Usually that prompts them to get help sooner. Many times well meaning family members enable the alcoholic and keep the ienvironment condusive to drinking. Try not to walk on egg shells around her drinking. You know she's drinking too much and so does everyone else. Keep it out there and lay out some boundaries. I am sure you don't want her caring for the children when she's drunk. Let her know this. I would also keep documenting.
I don't know much about infedelity and alcoholism. I do know, being an addict myself, that when a person is addicted to substances, that's usually not the only thing they'll use to escape reality. We use food, shopping , sex, etc. All of the substances like drinking are merely a symptom of the disease of addiction which is a disease of character and behavior.
i admire your willingness to stand by your wife and see your family through this as long as you don't jeopardize your life in the process. I would like to invite you to the Alanon forum here on this board. Read the power posts on the top of that forum and you may want to cut and paste your post here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 93
1_4_all,
Man, that is a tough situation. Keep strong, whatever you do, remember it's about the kids and their welfare.
Your situation really makes me so sad, because I was the kid in a relationship like that. My Dad brought us kids up and we never ended up seeing our Mother again.
These type of conflicts between parents really scar children. I was very young when all that conflict was going on, but I since found out my Dad made every effort to keep the marriage together despite it all. Despite his poor health he took on four children when the Mother was unfit to do so, and I can't imagine where I would be if it weren't for him. All my brothers and myself have tertiary degrees, I was an Officer in the Australian Army.
Despite my own drinking problem, I'm still doing okay.
My Dad was very wise, and with me as a kid in that type of situation, I know he made a courageous decision and stuck by it.
I think what I'm trying to say is the kids are the most important thing, and I really feel for you, because you're going to have to make a courageous decision if things don't improve. As Stephanie said, you'll have no problem getting custody of the children in all probability. I know this sounds horrible, but prepare for the worst. Do the research on how best to keep custody of the children and make any preparations necessary.
If you just do what you feel is the best for the children, you've done your best.
Sadly (I know from experience), nothing will stop an alcoholic to drink - the desire has to come from within the person.
Finally, one thing I've noted from much experience is that ppl that are very intoxicated with alcohol will be quite honest with you (ie. if you're not threatening to cut off their supply of alcohol). Never believe anyone who says they didn't mean what they said or did because they were so drunk - they are lying.
Take care,
Mark.
Man, that is a tough situation. Keep strong, whatever you do, remember it's about the kids and their welfare.
Your situation really makes me so sad, because I was the kid in a relationship like that. My Dad brought us kids up and we never ended up seeing our Mother again.
These type of conflicts between parents really scar children. I was very young when all that conflict was going on, but I since found out my Dad made every effort to keep the marriage together despite it all. Despite his poor health he took on four children when the Mother was unfit to do so, and I can't imagine where I would be if it weren't for him. All my brothers and myself have tertiary degrees, I was an Officer in the Australian Army.
Despite my own drinking problem, I'm still doing okay.
My Dad was very wise, and with me as a kid in that type of situation, I know he made a courageous decision and stuck by it.
I think what I'm trying to say is the kids are the most important thing, and I really feel for you, because you're going to have to make a courageous decision if things don't improve. As Stephanie said, you'll have no problem getting custody of the children in all probability. I know this sounds horrible, but prepare for the worst. Do the research on how best to keep custody of the children and make any preparations necessary.
If you just do what you feel is the best for the children, you've done your best.
Sadly (I know from experience), nothing will stop an alcoholic to drink - the desire has to come from within the person.
Finally, one thing I've noted from much experience is that ppl that are very intoxicated with alcohol will be quite honest with you (ie. if you're not threatening to cut off their supply of alcohol). Never believe anyone who says they didn't mean what they said or did because they were so drunk - they are lying.
Take care,
Mark.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Wow 1 4 All!
First welcome to SR, I urge you to visit the Alanon forums for support for yourself.
You know that could have been me (with the exception of the ifidelity part) you were talking about. The short fuse, drinking the 12 pack.. yada yada.
My husband of 23 years "walked around on egg shells" as Steph said all those years. Nothing he could do or say would make me quit. Even when he left me I didn't quit, when he CAME BACK I didn't quit. I had to be done with it and do it myself. The day I came to this site I quit and a week later in AA.
I can only suggest to pray for her, maybe gently nudge her over to this site if she has ever remotly suggested she want's to stop.. and no.... I haven't met a person yet who has done this alone, I couldn't. I tried half -heartidly for 26 years!
I know you must love your wife as your are trying alternatives to divorce. But when you said she " is ending the fair" my reaction was .. and your still around?
If it's not over it needs to be but I bet this relationship was stemmed from her drinking and those are hard to break. Be firm, don't enable, and do seek out support for yourself.
Good luck my friend!
First welcome to SR, I urge you to visit the Alanon forums for support for yourself.
You know that could have been me (with the exception of the ifidelity part) you were talking about. The short fuse, drinking the 12 pack.. yada yada.
My husband of 23 years "walked around on egg shells" as Steph said all those years. Nothing he could do or say would make me quit. Even when he left me I didn't quit, when he CAME BACK I didn't quit. I had to be done with it and do it myself. The day I came to this site I quit and a week later in AA.
I can only suggest to pray for her, maybe gently nudge her over to this site if she has ever remotly suggested she want's to stop.. and no.... I haven't met a person yet who has done this alone, I couldn't. I tried half -heartidly for 26 years!
I know you must love your wife as your are trying alternatives to divorce. But when you said she " is ending the fair" my reaction was .. and your still around?
If it's not over it needs to be but I bet this relationship was stemmed from her drinking and those are hard to break. Be firm, don't enable, and do seek out support for yourself.
Good luck my friend!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 6
Thank you for your insightful and supportive comments. I was interested to hear about a dry alcoholic and just like with the affair, ending the contact with the other man or in this case the booze, is only the first step in recovery. I didn't force her into a decision about ending the affair and I'm not going to with the drinking. However, and I'm not sure how bad this is, I do let her know my feelings and the risks her behavior presents to the family and kids.
The one thing that she has tried not to neglect through this whole thing is the kids. Her relationship is still good with them and with the exception of a heated discussion every 3-4 weeks and some distance for a couple days after the discussion our family life during the day seems normal and in fact that life has in many ways gotten better since I started making an extra effort.
Yet in the big picture with the affair and drinking, she doesn't acknowledge she is putting the kids happiness at risk.
She apparently hasn't drank in 2 days. And I believe the affair is over and hopefully bringing up the alcohol has not drove her back to him.
Thank you,
1_4_All
The one thing that she has tried not to neglect through this whole thing is the kids. Her relationship is still good with them and with the exception of a heated discussion every 3-4 weeks and some distance for a couple days after the discussion our family life during the day seems normal and in fact that life has in many ways gotten better since I started making an extra effort.
Yet in the big picture with the affair and drinking, she doesn't acknowledge she is putting the kids happiness at risk.
She apparently hasn't drank in 2 days. And I believe the affair is over and hopefully bringing up the alcohol has not drove her back to him.
Thank you,
1_4_All
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi 1-4-all,
I'm glad your wife has decided to stop drinking. Does she know about AA. You may want to suggest it to her as a support dring this difficult time for her.
Like I said, I love with a dry alcoholic and the behaviors do stay the same. I myself am in recovery from drugs and alcohol and have been for many years, however I still exhibit alcoholic behaviors from time to time. It's a daily reprieve and it's work to be in recovery.
I know you're hopeful about your situation but denial is just as strong with the partner of an alcoholic as much as it is with the alcoholic themselves. Try not to have any expectations and you won't be dissappointed if things don't go the way you hope they will. I sure do pray for her recovery and your families well being during this time. It is possible for her to quit.
One very important fact I was to get across if she does start to driink again is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Your wife may have the ability to keep it together during the day for the kids but it is only a matter of time before her ability to do that will be harder and harder.
You're doing the right thing. Arm yourself with as much information as you can get. Go to some alanon meetings and take care of yourself. You'll be Ok and so will your family. Take a look over at the alanon boards.
I'm glad your wife has decided to stop drinking. Does she know about AA. You may want to suggest it to her as a support dring this difficult time for her.
Like I said, I love with a dry alcoholic and the behaviors do stay the same. I myself am in recovery from drugs and alcohol and have been for many years, however I still exhibit alcoholic behaviors from time to time. It's a daily reprieve and it's work to be in recovery.
I know you're hopeful about your situation but denial is just as strong with the partner of an alcoholic as much as it is with the alcoholic themselves. Try not to have any expectations and you won't be dissappointed if things don't go the way you hope they will. I sure do pray for her recovery and your families well being during this time. It is possible for her to quit.
One very important fact I was to get across if she does start to driink again is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Your wife may have the ability to keep it together during the day for the kids but it is only a matter of time before her ability to do that will be harder and harder.
You're doing the right thing. Arm yourself with as much information as you can get. Go to some alanon meetings and take care of yourself. You'll be Ok and so will your family. Take a look over at the alanon boards.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I admire your determination to make this work. I am happy for you your wife is trying to quit, support her in seeking out a support group. AA worked a miracle in my life. I think most of us alcholic mom's do the best we can to maintain a loving family envronment, and though she has a problem she will need to deal with our motherly instincts for the most part do hold a priority in our lives. I overcompansated with my kids some times, I did the best to be a good mom, and I do believe I was but I still needed help. I hope that she finds peace in her decision. I agree with Steph.. with hard work, love, support and understanding you all will be okay. I'm at peace, happy, and my family relationship is nearly where I had alway's wanted it to be my husband and I are working toward repairing some of the damage I caused.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Somewhere in the Mojave Desert
Posts: 498
I agree with what everyone has said here. I admire you for standing by your wife, thinking of your children, reaching out for help and attending Al-Anon.
Infidelity and drinking...yes..they go hand in hand many times. Trust me...I know. When I was drinking heavily my head/heart was all twisted around. Alcohol will do that to a person. My thoughts were warped and I was unfaithful to my husband. It is hard for me to admit this now (he knows) but I have to say this as it may be of some help to you and that is what this program is all about.
I had a person that I worked with for years who knew I had a drinking problem. This person had pursued me and honestly, he knew that he could get to me by the way of alcohol. Sober, I wanted nothing to do with him but I knew that when I would meet him we would spend hours together and he would "feed" me as much alcohol as possible knowing very well that once I became completely intoxicated he could have control over me. He knew as well as I did that I wanted nothing to do with him sober. After work each night I would go out to my car and he would have left a cooler of wine/beer in my trunk for my drive home (yes, I gave him a key to my car as I knew I would have a supply to make it on the hour drive home.) It was a most unusual relationship as I never slept with him (thank God) as no matter how drunk I was, I would not do that to my husband. This guy was/is such a loser and together we co-signed each other's bulls**t. The last time I saw him was in July and believe me...this affair, if you could call it one, was nothing more than me being drunk, hooking up with a loser who lavished me with attention and gifts & quite simply took advantage of my distorted warped thinking caused by my rather large consumption of alcohol & prescription drugs. This person who on the outside is a "fine, upstanding" individual in my community, was/is a sick human being with some very dark secrets. I think of him now and I see a very evil person.
So to answer the question, there are predators out there that see a person's weakness be it alcohol or drugs or food or sex or whatever...and they take advantage of it. Chances are your wife would have nothing to do with this man had she not been drinking. Alcohol makes us do many things that we wouldn't do normally. I know I would not have looked at this person twice had it not been for the booze. Sadly this is not a perfect world filled with kind people. I am not void of any participation in what I did and I take responsibility for my actions NOW. When I was drinking, I was in the throws of my disease and unfortunately there are cruel people that will satisfy their own selfish motives by using a person that obviously has a problem.
All the best to you and your wife. I do hope she will find a way to stay sober and to live a quality life of sobriety. For me, AA works.
Laci
(Thanking God today that I have a wonderful husband who stood by me and loved me through everything. I am blessed!)
Infidelity and drinking...yes..they go hand in hand many times. Trust me...I know. When I was drinking heavily my head/heart was all twisted around. Alcohol will do that to a person. My thoughts were warped and I was unfaithful to my husband. It is hard for me to admit this now (he knows) but I have to say this as it may be of some help to you and that is what this program is all about.
I had a person that I worked with for years who knew I had a drinking problem. This person had pursued me and honestly, he knew that he could get to me by the way of alcohol. Sober, I wanted nothing to do with him but I knew that when I would meet him we would spend hours together and he would "feed" me as much alcohol as possible knowing very well that once I became completely intoxicated he could have control over me. He knew as well as I did that I wanted nothing to do with him sober. After work each night I would go out to my car and he would have left a cooler of wine/beer in my trunk for my drive home (yes, I gave him a key to my car as I knew I would have a supply to make it on the hour drive home.) It was a most unusual relationship as I never slept with him (thank God) as no matter how drunk I was, I would not do that to my husband. This guy was/is such a loser and together we co-signed each other's bulls**t. The last time I saw him was in July and believe me...this affair, if you could call it one, was nothing more than me being drunk, hooking up with a loser who lavished me with attention and gifts & quite simply took advantage of my distorted warped thinking caused by my rather large consumption of alcohol & prescription drugs. This person who on the outside is a "fine, upstanding" individual in my community, was/is a sick human being with some very dark secrets. I think of him now and I see a very evil person.
So to answer the question, there are predators out there that see a person's weakness be it alcohol or drugs or food or sex or whatever...and they take advantage of it. Chances are your wife would have nothing to do with this man had she not been drinking. Alcohol makes us do many things that we wouldn't do normally. I know I would not have looked at this person twice had it not been for the booze. Sadly this is not a perfect world filled with kind people. I am not void of any participation in what I did and I take responsibility for my actions NOW. When I was drinking, I was in the throws of my disease and unfortunately there are cruel people that will satisfy their own selfish motives by using a person that obviously has a problem.
All the best to you and your wife. I do hope she will find a way to stay sober and to live a quality life of sobriety. For me, AA works.
Laci
(Thanking God today that I have a wonderful husband who stood by me and loved me through everything. I am blessed!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 6
Laci,
What did it take for you to realize thelove your husband had from you while standing by you during this? Right now its eggshells with me. I find myself putting a lot of effort in making our home life and relationship as attractive as possible. But weeks of progress can be erased with one innoccent comment on my part.
1_4_All
What did it take for you to realize thelove your husband had from you while standing by you during this? Right now its eggshells with me. I find myself putting a lot of effort in making our home life and relationship as attractive as possible. But weeks of progress can be erased with one innoccent comment on my part.
1_4_All
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 6
Chy,
My wife has not said 1 word about her drinking and avoids any discussion about it. I think if I even mentioned AA at this point, my wife would get upset or stop talking.
With her affair and the emotional attachment she had to break I tried to empathize with her by relating to the experiences of other that were in her position. She just clams up and gets upset for days at the mention of her issues.
Any ideas on what to do here, just patience?
Chy, you also said the day you came to this board you quit drinking. Was it the board that did caused you to quit or had you already made up you mind? Also, if you sought out this board, you must have had a desire to quit and not been in denial, correct?
Also, about the affair, the only thing I could think of that would cause more pain is the loss of a child. The first shock was finding out about the affair, the second was the fact that she couldn't or did not want to end it. The first month I was a nervous wreck, pleading with her to see what she was doing to her family, and lost about 25lbs in 2 months. However, just as I am learning about the patterns and of addictions of alcohol, I spent 4 months learning about the patterns and addictions of affairs. The fact that my wife was unfaithful carries a lot of pain, but in reality it is an addiction in very real sense. They say the person is not as addicted to the other person as much as they are the excitement and natural high of the affair. The person's body becomes addicted to the chemicals that are released during that excitement. My wife had some depression, the other man pursued her, I could have been contributing more to the relationship also. We dedicated ourselves to our kids and soon time for each other took a back seat to a busy life. So there are a lot of reasons my wife could have become entangled in the affair. Also, I tried at first and found out demanding she stop would not work. I changed and showed her the possibilties that we had, and slowly she came around and finally said on her own she was going to end the affair. At that point I held and will be holding her to her decision.
I have to say at this point if it weren't for the kids I may have called it quits altough I still love her. But the boards about infidelity and alcohol are full of success stories and it would not be fair to my family not to make every effort to become one of those success stories. I have learned to have high hopes but low expectations. But I see "baby steps" of forward progress and that keeps me going even with the backslides.
1_4_All
"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." Helen Keller
Thanx,
1_4_All
My wife has not said 1 word about her drinking and avoids any discussion about it. I think if I even mentioned AA at this point, my wife would get upset or stop talking.
With her affair and the emotional attachment she had to break I tried to empathize with her by relating to the experiences of other that were in her position. She just clams up and gets upset for days at the mention of her issues.
Any ideas on what to do here, just patience?
Chy, you also said the day you came to this board you quit drinking. Was it the board that did caused you to quit or had you already made up you mind? Also, if you sought out this board, you must have had a desire to quit and not been in denial, correct?
Also, about the affair, the only thing I could think of that would cause more pain is the loss of a child. The first shock was finding out about the affair, the second was the fact that she couldn't or did not want to end it. The first month I was a nervous wreck, pleading with her to see what she was doing to her family, and lost about 25lbs in 2 months. However, just as I am learning about the patterns and of addictions of alcohol, I spent 4 months learning about the patterns and addictions of affairs. The fact that my wife was unfaithful carries a lot of pain, but in reality it is an addiction in very real sense. They say the person is not as addicted to the other person as much as they are the excitement and natural high of the affair. The person's body becomes addicted to the chemicals that are released during that excitement. My wife had some depression, the other man pursued her, I could have been contributing more to the relationship also. We dedicated ourselves to our kids and soon time for each other took a back seat to a busy life. So there are a lot of reasons my wife could have become entangled in the affair. Also, I tried at first and found out demanding she stop would not work. I changed and showed her the possibilties that we had, and slowly she came around and finally said on her own she was going to end the affair. At that point I held and will be holding her to her decision.
I have to say at this point if it weren't for the kids I may have called it quits altough I still love her. But the boards about infidelity and alcohol are full of success stories and it would not be fair to my family not to make every effort to become one of those success stories. I have learned to have high hopes but low expectations. But I see "baby steps" of forward progress and that keeps me going even with the backslides.
1_4_All
"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." Helen Keller
Thanx,
1_4_All
Last edited by 1_4_All; 12-10-2003 at 04:45 PM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 93
Look, I've been resisting saying this, because it's probably very unwelcome to you. But don't you realise you are being treated like a door mat?
Drinking to me is no excuse to put a loved one through the grief she's put you through. The point she admitted to the affair, but carried on regardless. What does that say about how she feels about you and your family?
Withdraw all that love and support. Whisk it away! Do you realise that could be the most loving thing you could do for her and your family. If she doesn't come back to you and the kids, least you know where you stand. Chances are she'll wake up to herself. But at the moment, she's got you where she wants you. Let her know that if she ever wants you back she is going to have to earn your trust. That further drinking or cheating will mean the separation will be permanent.
I mean you've got your dignity don't you? I certainly wouldn't want my kids growing up with a women I couldn't trust.
Drinking to me is no excuse to put a loved one through the grief she's put you through. The point she admitted to the affair, but carried on regardless. What does that say about how she feels about you and your family?
Withdraw all that love and support. Whisk it away! Do you realise that could be the most loving thing you could do for her and your family. If she doesn't come back to you and the kids, least you know where you stand. Chances are she'll wake up to herself. But at the moment, she's got you where she wants you. Let her know that if she ever wants you back she is going to have to earn your trust. That further drinking or cheating will mean the separation will be permanent.
I mean you've got your dignity don't you? I certainly wouldn't want my kids growing up with a women I couldn't trust.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: WI
Posts: 6
Update, wife brought a bottle of champange home with her and is drinking it. I haven't said a thing regarding it. Should I say anything? Is it totally bad for me to drink some just so she has less?
Sandwich, I know what your saying about being a doormat, however that action did get us to the point that she ended the affair and now I will hold her to that decision. I have called the other man and expressed the fact that my patience with him has expired and he would be facing consequences for his actions if he had any further contact with my wife or we split up. I have numerous legal ways to make his life a living hell. Being Mr. NiceGuy and Mr. Helpful definitely help draw her away from the affair, I'm not sure if it can help with the booze or maybe even hurts.
I will not let this go on forever, however, I have been able to change myself to the point that my wife has reacted positively and forward progress with backslides continues. I will be preparing for the day that I have say I've had enough and have enough ammo to ask her to change or leave.
1_4_All
Sandwich, I know what your saying about being a doormat, however that action did get us to the point that she ended the affair and now I will hold her to that decision. I have called the other man and expressed the fact that my patience with him has expired and he would be facing consequences for his actions if he had any further contact with my wife or we split up. I have numerous legal ways to make his life a living hell. Being Mr. NiceGuy and Mr. Helpful definitely help draw her away from the affair, I'm not sure if it can help with the booze or maybe even hurts.
I will not let this go on forever, however, I have been able to change myself to the point that my wife has reacted positively and forward progress with backslides continues. I will be preparing for the day that I have say I've had enough and have enough ammo to ask her to change or leave.
1_4_All
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Somewhere in the Mojave Desert
Posts: 498
Hi 1-4-All,
What it took for me to realize was seeing my husband not waivering, being supportive, listening to me, just being there. He totally understood and I don't know why. I told him "if I were you I would have left." He said he loved me so much and that he had faith in me, he knew I would come back to him. Now if I had become intimate with this sicko guy then that would have been the end. I talked to my husband though and I told him when I would be meeting this person and even where. It was like I was trying to make him leave me because I didn't feel worthy of his love. Believe me, my husband is no sap, sitting by letting me do what I want, nope, now way there. He suffered greatly but he knew I was doing nothing more than meeting this person for drinks and talking. He didn't like it but he knew if he gave me an ultimatum, I would be gone. In otherwords, he believed in me, he knew I loved him, he knew I was sick. He encouraged me gently to get help. At the end I saw and felt that I was losing him. He had become very fed up with me and I don't blame him one bit. It took that to make me scared enough to open my eyes to the fact that I had a problem. He never said he was going to leave me but I began to feel like we were just "roomates" and that terrified me. It was just a matter of time. What was more important to me...alcohol or my husband/family? When I took a good look and did a lot of thinking, I realized that my family is more important to me...alcohol takes, it doesn't give. It was taking my life away so I stopped it from doing that.
No one can tell us we have a problem...we have to admit that to ourselves. All the discussion, all the therapy...whatever...if the person will not admit they have a problem there is very little that anyone can do except take the necessary means to keep themselves together, such as Al-Anon. A terrible disease isn't it. I call it the green eyed monster.
I hope this helps. Today I have a loving husband and a better relationship. Whenever I think of a drink I include on my list of "why not to drink" the fact that I have a terrific husband that I don't want to lose to some lucky girl out there. I truly mean that.
Love,
Laci
(Grateful Alcoholic)
What it took for me to realize was seeing my husband not waivering, being supportive, listening to me, just being there. He totally understood and I don't know why. I told him "if I were you I would have left." He said he loved me so much and that he had faith in me, he knew I would come back to him. Now if I had become intimate with this sicko guy then that would have been the end. I talked to my husband though and I told him when I would be meeting this person and even where. It was like I was trying to make him leave me because I didn't feel worthy of his love. Believe me, my husband is no sap, sitting by letting me do what I want, nope, now way there. He suffered greatly but he knew I was doing nothing more than meeting this person for drinks and talking. He didn't like it but he knew if he gave me an ultimatum, I would be gone. In otherwords, he believed in me, he knew I loved him, he knew I was sick. He encouraged me gently to get help. At the end I saw and felt that I was losing him. He had become very fed up with me and I don't blame him one bit. It took that to make me scared enough to open my eyes to the fact that I had a problem. He never said he was going to leave me but I began to feel like we were just "roomates" and that terrified me. It was just a matter of time. What was more important to me...alcohol or my husband/family? When I took a good look and did a lot of thinking, I realized that my family is more important to me...alcohol takes, it doesn't give. It was taking my life away so I stopped it from doing that.
No one can tell us we have a problem...we have to admit that to ourselves. All the discussion, all the therapy...whatever...if the person will not admit they have a problem there is very little that anyone can do except take the necessary means to keep themselves together, such as Al-Anon. A terrible disease isn't it. I call it the green eyed monster.
I hope this helps. Today I have a loving husband and a better relationship. Whenever I think of a drink I include on my list of "why not to drink" the fact that I have a terrific husband that I don't want to lose to some lucky girl out there. I truly mean that.
Love,
Laci
(Grateful Alcoholic)
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Re: New here, wife drinking and cheating
Glad to see you back, how are things going? How are YOU doing?
You had a question for me I didn't respond to. I was in denial for a long time. But eventually I knew I couldn't keep hiding the fact, I had a problem, couldn't quit on my own, and gave up lieing to myself and family. Actually, when I arrived here, I didn't think there were so many like me. It was good to know I was not alone, perhaps wife needs to find out the same.
I hope things are much better now as that was several months ago you posted.
You had a question for me I didn't respond to. I was in denial for a long time. But eventually I knew I couldn't keep hiding the fact, I had a problem, couldn't quit on my own, and gave up lieing to myself and family. Actually, when I arrived here, I didn't think there were so many like me. It was good to know I was not alone, perhaps wife needs to find out the same.
I hope things are much better now as that was several months ago you posted.
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