Close Call
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Close Call
I feel I need to post here tonight because I have had a bad feeling finally somewhat pass, I really felt like giving up after 9 months of being sober, I’m still somewhat in a crappy mood and want to post while I am feeling better.
Thing is I knew I should have posted while I was at my lowest but I was in a really, really bad mood, all the support that I knew I would get I didn’t want at the time, I was romancing booze and that’s really dangerous, I think this is how many relapse, they just go drink and never post, that was almost me tonight, I am really not sure what stopped me, I guess throwing away all this time really was the only thing, and the fact that I made a promise to myself to never drink again, I guess I finally started thinking it through to the end and knew how it would wind up.
The long weekend is getting to me I suppose, I can’t get out and do what I wanted to because of unchangeable circumstances, I didn’t get to go out to dinner and threw a fit because I was served hotdogs, sounds funny now that I type this, I actually love hotdogs, I wanted to go out to the movies too but circumstances had me stuck at home, I figured I might as well drink, thank god I didn’t.
I really dont know if I would have drank but I was certainly romancing the idea..
I know for a fact that this forum is my lifeline and it has saved me many times (I was reading even though I wasnt posting), I wonder though do any of you that have 6 months to a year or even more ever come this close and somehow snap out of it?
Thing is I knew I should have posted while I was at my lowest but I was in a really, really bad mood, all the support that I knew I would get I didn’t want at the time, I was romancing booze and that’s really dangerous, I think this is how many relapse, they just go drink and never post, that was almost me tonight, I am really not sure what stopped me, I guess throwing away all this time really was the only thing, and the fact that I made a promise to myself to never drink again, I guess I finally started thinking it through to the end and knew how it would wind up.
The long weekend is getting to me I suppose, I can’t get out and do what I wanted to because of unchangeable circumstances, I didn’t get to go out to dinner and threw a fit because I was served hotdogs, sounds funny now that I type this, I actually love hotdogs, I wanted to go out to the movies too but circumstances had me stuck at home, I figured I might as well drink, thank god I didn’t.
I really dont know if I would have drank but I was certainly romancing the idea..
I know for a fact that this forum is my lifeline and it has saved me many times (I was reading even though I wasnt posting), I wonder though do any of you that have 6 months to a year or even more ever come this close and somehow snap out of it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Toronto area
Posts: 67
No advice on 6 months, as I am just wrapping up Day 3, but it sounds like you need a hug. I think it is amazing that you have made it to 6 months, you must feel great. I am sorry you have been going through a tough time and things didn't work out for you. I am glad you chose to post tonight instead of drinking. I know you were really disappointed tonight, but think of how disappointed you would have been tomorrow if you were back on Day 1. Congratulations on your choice 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 28
Congratulations on getting to six months without drinking. I am just glad you didn't drink and have to go back to day 1. This is from someone on day 2 who has never made it past day 7. Just want to remind you how bad it feels when you have to start over.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi SB
I'm glad you thought it out, and I'm glad you came here.
Addiction is really relentless and it's those low points when we're at our most vulnerable.
Around my one year I remember havign a lot of things going on....I was really stressing over stuff and the idea of 'a night off' insinuated itself into my brain.
Luckily I knew enough to know how ridiculous that was. Instead I stepped back and looked at my life and my attitudes, and saw where I could maybe do a little better.
I also threw myself into helping others - often the way forward for me is to get out of my own way, y'know?
Anyway, those are the times I really try to reach out too and let other ppl in to whats going on, even tho it's pretty much the last damn thing I want to do.
Glad you did that SB
D
I'm glad you thought it out, and I'm glad you came here.
Addiction is really relentless and it's those low points when we're at our most vulnerable.
Around my one year I remember havign a lot of things going on....I was really stressing over stuff and the idea of 'a night off' insinuated itself into my brain.
Luckily I knew enough to know how ridiculous that was. Instead I stepped back and looked at my life and my attitudes, and saw where I could maybe do a little better.
I also threw myself into helping others - often the way forward for me is to get out of my own way, y'know?
Anyway, those are the times I really try to reach out too and let other ppl in to whats going on, even tho it's pretty much the last damn thing I want to do.
Glad you did that SB
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 274
Hi SB,
Don't ever give up SB! I'm glad you came here and posted.
I remember my first year was rocky as all get out.. Lots of ups and downs. I was so determined to stay sober that first year I would do anything b/c I wanted a better life and I new it was out there if I give it a fair try. I'm so glad I listen here to the good folks that told me it would get easier with time because you know what SB they were spot on. I'm coming up on 3 years and it gets better and better.
The times I could not get out of the house I would plan ahead and have lots of books to read about addiction and sobriety or come here and plug myself in and read post after post.
So the answer to you question "will you snap out of it" YES!!
Stay Focused and stay the Course, your doing Great!.....
Don't ever give up SB! I'm glad you came here and posted.
I remember my first year was rocky as all get out.. Lots of ups and downs. I was so determined to stay sober that first year I would do anything b/c I wanted a better life and I new it was out there if I give it a fair try. I'm so glad I listen here to the good folks that told me it would get easier with time because you know what SB they were spot on. I'm coming up on 3 years and it gets better and better.
The times I could not get out of the house I would plan ahead and have lots of books to read about addiction and sobriety or come here and plug myself in and read post after post.
So the answer to you question "will you snap out of it" YES!!
Stay Focused and stay the Course, your doing Great!.....
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
One nice part of life that we can count on is that things don't generally stay stagnant. I'd say yea, you'll snap out of it.
Rots that things changed for you (I like hotdogs too, yet would prefer near any kind of dinner other than that) and you're stuck in the house this weekend.
Thanks for posting because I definitely know what you mean when you say how hard it is to post when at a low spot. Yet, you did. Even if that better time lasted only for as long as writing the post took, you have some control over those bad moments/hours/days. Good for you (and us).
Rots that things changed for you (I like hotdogs too, yet would prefer near any kind of dinner other than that) and you're stuck in the house this weekend.
Thanks for posting because I definitely know what you mean when you say how hard it is to post when at a low spot. Yet, you did. Even if that better time lasted only for as long as writing the post took, you have some control over those bad moments/hours/days. Good for you (and us).
Last edited by Shining~Again; 11-27-2011 at 08:25 AM. Reason: spelling
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I wonder though do any of you that have 6 months to a year or even more ever come this close and somehow snap out of it?
I had a couple close calls, and one that was fairly close to a year. I think some of the urges felt so strong because I had gotten used to having long stretches without them. I've had moments of wishing I could drink even after a year, but for every 10 minutes of feeling an urge I now have weeks and weeks that go by without one. Pretty cool, since I thought about it 24/7 at first.
What's annoying is that they can come out of nowhere. I try to accept that it's part of being an alcoholic - it gives me respect for this disease and makes me realize how critical support is. I'm so glad you didn't pick up (YEA!) - you'll be stronger for it, just know that those times don't last forever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Thanks everyone!
Today hasn’t been that great either but it is getting better, I did get out with the family today to grab lunch and that helped. I never thought I’d say this but I am ready for this weekend to be over and go back to work tomorrow.
Your replies all hit home, the ones with very little time giving me support when it should be me supporting you, and the ones with more time knowing how things get, they all are appreciated.
Reflecting back on this weekend, it all started the morning I was to go to a big thanksgiving dinner, even before I got there my mood shifted, I have been very unpleasant to my family especially my wife and now I have to make amends.
What’s really strange is in 2006 I was sober for 86 or 87 days, it was on Christmas day that I relapsed, I really do like the holidays, but I think it is some kind of social anxiety that manifests into anger or some sort of mood shift and is really dangerous for me. That last relapse cost me five years, this has opened my eyes to some unknown mental change when being forced (kind of) into social situations.
When I drank I was posting on all kind of online forums but now it seems like I am sort of shy about it and keep them short and sweet most times (and I am ok with that), but I really appreciate all the support, thank you!
Today hasn’t been that great either but it is getting better, I did get out with the family today to grab lunch and that helped. I never thought I’d say this but I am ready for this weekend to be over and go back to work tomorrow.
Your replies all hit home, the ones with very little time giving me support when it should be me supporting you, and the ones with more time knowing how things get, they all are appreciated.
Reflecting back on this weekend, it all started the morning I was to go to a big thanksgiving dinner, even before I got there my mood shifted, I have been very unpleasant to my family especially my wife and now I have to make amends.
What’s really strange is in 2006 I was sober for 86 or 87 days, it was on Christmas day that I relapsed, I really do like the holidays, but I think it is some kind of social anxiety that manifests into anger or some sort of mood shift and is really dangerous for me. That last relapse cost me five years, this has opened my eyes to some unknown mental change when being forced (kind of) into social situations.
When I drank I was posting on all kind of online forums but now it seems like I am sort of shy about it and keep them short and sweet most times (and I am ok with that), but I really appreciate all the support, thank you!
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi SB...I've been at this since March, and relapsed from April through August. Now I have almost 4 months, and I'm struggling today as well. Holidays, decorating, carols...they all remind me of the Christmas fog I'd usually enter this time of year, and stay in through super bowl. Plus, the winter blues and blahs. I've been jonesing for both a smoke and a drink today. Ironically, I was at an AA retreat Fri/Sat, and left early because I was sick of the dogma, and the fact that I wasn't relating to the guys there.
I'm glad you came here. It helped me. I've been contemplating a drink after my AA meeting tonight. I've been stewing about the fact that I signed up for coffee service at my homegroup for each Sunday night except Christmas day, as I'll be out of town. I'm really close to a drink. And a smoke.
Hang in there. I've enjoyed your posts. Let's lean on each other a bit as needed.
I'm glad you came here. It helped me. I've been contemplating a drink after my AA meeting tonight. I've been stewing about the fact that I signed up for coffee service at my homegroup for each Sunday night except Christmas day, as I'll be out of town. I'm really close to a drink. And a smoke.
Hang in there. I've enjoyed your posts. Let's lean on each other a bit as needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Thanks Lofty, yea lean this way, I figure a bad day or 2 or in this case 3 or 4 is better than a bad few months or years after making the decision to drink. I like what Dee said about taking a ‘night off’, sometimes I just get tired of the fight, and yea sometimes I cannot relate as well, after all I don’t drink anymore and when things are going well I forget what it was like. Then when I go into a gutter ball roll I don’t have the current tools to get out.
Thing is this is not temporary; it’s a full time job, like being a mother or a dad, it’s a serious job to stay sober, and I need to remember that even when things are going well, just like artsoul said about the ‘long stretches’. I have spent more than half my life as a drinker and started well before I was an adult so I think there are still some things left to learn while living sober, learning things at 43 that I should have learned at 23 is kinda hard at times, like not being selfish for example, but these are lessons I need to figure out, ‘going back to the school of life’.
I know I got lots of work to do, I guess I am slow to change and in many ways still act the way I did, on the other hand my wife and kids say I’ve changed so much for the better. If I stop and think for a second I know I have come a long way, I truthfully never want to go back to that lifestyle ever again.
Just remember each day we don’t drink we get stronger, if drinking the way we did was such a great thing we would never think about quitting in the first place, we must remember why we quit, then stay quit, forever.
Stay Strong!
Thing is this is not temporary; it’s a full time job, like being a mother or a dad, it’s a serious job to stay sober, and I need to remember that even when things are going well, just like artsoul said about the ‘long stretches’. I have spent more than half my life as a drinker and started well before I was an adult so I think there are still some things left to learn while living sober, learning things at 43 that I should have learned at 23 is kinda hard at times, like not being selfish for example, but these are lessons I need to figure out, ‘going back to the school of life’.
I know I got lots of work to do, I guess I am slow to change and in many ways still act the way I did, on the other hand my wife and kids say I’ve changed so much for the better. If I stop and think for a second I know I have come a long way, I truthfully never want to go back to that lifestyle ever again.
Just remember each day we don’t drink we get stronger, if drinking the way we did was such a great thing we would never think about quitting in the first place, we must remember why we quit, then stay quit, forever.
Stay Strong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Hey SB,
There are still a few of us around from the class of February, 2011. I'm glad to see you're still among us.
Nine months is a bit of a tough time, it seems. The pink cloud and any memory of it has worn off, PAWS comes and goes at will, and life is starting to follow a predictable routine.
I can tell you for certain that I wouldn't have made it this far or look forward to a future of sobriety without the fellowship of my friends in AA. Forget the the book and all the steps, the fellowship by itself is all that helps me through some days. Knowing I've got others to call and talk about this mixed bag of feelings really helps. There are some meetings I come out of where I feel a very natural high when I went in feeling quite low.
I find myself romancing booze from time-to-time now too. I saw a beer ad on TV today and thought that sounded really good. With the past four days off from work I've been catching up on a bunch of mundane chores around the house and caught myself thinking "a beer would sure make this better."
I have to constantly remind myself - this disease is progressive and will kill me.
One beer would be great and I would absolutely have another since they come in packs of six. I would therefore have to finish the six-pack. Since I've already fallen off the wagon, why not pick up a 12 pack?
It would be 12 the next night
...and the next night
...and the next night
Not picking up that first drink is the cornerstone to our recoveries. I'm glad you posted here. I remember when you joined the board and I hope you can find some groups where you can find some face to face.
I knew nothing about AA when I went to my first meeting. I was skeptical on my next few. I'm grateful now.
I'm glad you're here with me. Let's keep it up!
-SPG
There are still a few of us around from the class of February, 2011. I'm glad to see you're still among us.
Nine months is a bit of a tough time, it seems. The pink cloud and any memory of it has worn off, PAWS comes and goes at will, and life is starting to follow a predictable routine.
I can tell you for certain that I wouldn't have made it this far or look forward to a future of sobriety without the fellowship of my friends in AA. Forget the the book and all the steps, the fellowship by itself is all that helps me through some days. Knowing I've got others to call and talk about this mixed bag of feelings really helps. There are some meetings I come out of where I feel a very natural high when I went in feeling quite low.
I find myself romancing booze from time-to-time now too. I saw a beer ad on TV today and thought that sounded really good. With the past four days off from work I've been catching up on a bunch of mundane chores around the house and caught myself thinking "a beer would sure make this better."
I have to constantly remind myself - this disease is progressive and will kill me.
One beer would be great and I would absolutely have another since they come in packs of six. I would therefore have to finish the six-pack. Since I've already fallen off the wagon, why not pick up a 12 pack?
It would be 12 the next night
...and the next night
...and the next night
Not picking up that first drink is the cornerstone to our recoveries. I'm glad you posted here. I remember when you joined the board and I hope you can find some groups where you can find some face to face.
I knew nothing about AA when I went to my first meeting. I was skeptical on my next few. I'm grateful now.
I'm glad you're here with me. Let's keep it up!
-SPG
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Originally Posted by SomethingBetter 
Thanks Lofty, yea lean this way, I figure a bad day or 2 or in this case 3 or 4 is better than a bad few months or years after making the decision to drink.
I have spent more than half my life as a drinker and started well before I was an adult so I think there are still some things left to learn while living sober, learning things at 43 that I should have learned at 23 is kinda hard at times, like not being selfish for example, but these are lessons I need to figure out, ‘going back to the school of life’.
I know I got lots of work to do, I guess I am slow to change and in many ways still act the way I did, on the other hand my wife and kids say I’ve changed so much for the better. If I stop and think for a second I know I have come a long way, I truthfully never want to go back to that lifestyle ever again.
Stay Strong!
I have spent more than half my life as a drinker and started well before I was an adult so I think there are still some things left to learn while living sober, learning things at 43 that I should have learned at 23 is kinda hard at times, like not being selfish for example, but these are lessons I need to figure out, ‘going back to the school of life’.
I know I got lots of work to do, I guess I am slow to change and in many ways still act the way I did, on the other hand my wife and kids say I’ve changed so much for the better. If I stop and think for a second I know I have come a long way, I truthfully never want to go back to that lifestyle ever again.
Stay Strong!
Learning stuff late? Yep, got it. My emotional growth is stunted at least 20 yrs as well, at least in some ways. Both my wife and I often act more immature and childish than our teenage children.
Of course, I was a surly SOB yesterday due to my mental wrestling match with my AV. That brought a tearful plea from the wife, and assurances that she and the kids have noticed quite a change that they are thankful for. I was listening, and heard her loud and clear, thankfully.
Have a great, sober week! The way I see it, we have 2 down, 2 to go; holidays, that is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
