6 months and what??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
6 months and what??
I am posting is Newcomers to Recovery im not sure if that is right or not? Do I still qualify as a newcomer?.
I have just looked and am amazed that I have been coming in here a little over 6 months! OMG where did that time go??
In that time, I have been to 4 funerals, two friends, one colleague and one family member.
I have lost one job, got another and applied for a promotion, (dont want it, but i need the money)
I have saved the life of one person at work, and witnessed the demise of 4 others.
Had two eviction notices served against me for non payment of rent and council tax.
Broken and almost mended one dog.
Bought a new car and sold the old one.
I have made very many new friends in SR, and been hurt by a couple too.
I have quit drinking for a month in this time, but fell squarely off that wagon a few months back.
I have hurt myself a few times and come close enough to the edge I felt my toes curl over the lip, and felt the urge to jump.
But as I sit here, my mood is sinking from the highest it has been in quite a while, to well you know... I find myself questioning, is this functioning? I seem to be living, in a fashion, but I still feel like I am missing the point.
6 months and what?? I am still drinking like I always did, but now I feel more guilt than I ever did. I feel more like I am failing you, and me. I feel like I have learned a lot from you all, but I find that my urges and my desire to drink is stronger than ever.
So what do I do? Stay here and hope it passes? Leave here and try to find my own way? I feel such warmth and love from perfect strangers in here, but sometimes, the insecurity I feel is amplified by the people I speak to, the guilt is deafening. The loathing, comsuming.
I have just looked and am amazed that I have been coming in here a little over 6 months! OMG where did that time go??
In that time, I have been to 4 funerals, two friends, one colleague and one family member.
I have lost one job, got another and applied for a promotion, (dont want it, but i need the money)
I have saved the life of one person at work, and witnessed the demise of 4 others.
Had two eviction notices served against me for non payment of rent and council tax.
Broken and almost mended one dog.
Bought a new car and sold the old one.
I have made very many new friends in SR, and been hurt by a couple too.
I have quit drinking for a month in this time, but fell squarely off that wagon a few months back.
I have hurt myself a few times and come close enough to the edge I felt my toes curl over the lip, and felt the urge to jump.
But as I sit here, my mood is sinking from the highest it has been in quite a while, to well you know... I find myself questioning, is this functioning? I seem to be living, in a fashion, but I still feel like I am missing the point.
6 months and what?? I am still drinking like I always did, but now I feel more guilt than I ever did. I feel more like I am failing you, and me. I feel like I have learned a lot from you all, but I find that my urges and my desire to drink is stronger than ever.
So what do I do? Stay here and hope it passes? Leave here and try to find my own way? I feel such warmth and love from perfect strangers in here, but sometimes, the insecurity I feel is amplified by the people I speak to, the guilt is deafening. The loathing, comsuming.
Last edited by qpapq; 11-25-2011 at 05:01 PM. Reason: for clarity, Thanks Tigger
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I know folks who've been on SR for years - some of us 'get it' sooner than others.
I had 15 years of trying to get it - in the end, I think I was overcomplicating things a lot.
While I was drinking the best I could hope for were little improvements.
Drinking was like a blackboard eraser - I'd gain a little and then drink myself back to a blank slate - square one.
Once I was doing everything I could to stop drinking, after a month or two most of the other issues in my life got a lot better too.
personally, I think you're better here, than out there without the support and advice you'll find here canterbelle
D
I had 15 years of trying to get it - in the end, I think I was overcomplicating things a lot.
While I was drinking the best I could hope for were little improvements.
Drinking was like a blackboard eraser - I'd gain a little and then drink myself back to a blank slate - square one.
Once I was doing everything I could to stop drinking, after a month or two most of the other issues in my life got a lot better too.
personally, I think you're better here, than out there without the support and advice you'll find here canterbelle
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Canterbell,
I don't know what the answer is for you, but I know for sure, that you need to really want sobriety for it to work.
Have you considered counselling? Is it possible that you are depressed and could benefit from talking to your dr about that?
I don't know what the answer is for you, but I know for sure, that you need to really want sobriety for it to work.
Have you considered counselling? Is it possible that you are depressed and could benefit from talking to your dr about that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
Dee - 15 years? Really? I am glad you got it in the end. You sound like and incredibly strong person, Im not sure I can dance this dance for 15 years.
Anna - I suspect you could be on to something there, I have considered more the thought of Dr intervention, I have tried that before, had a little dalliance with Prozac, that really did not work for me... made me worse than ever, Suicide seemed completely feasible and rational to me then. amd firmly convinced that was the pills. It has crossed my mind since, but I know that is the crazy talking.. On those pills it was completely different. I ahev been told a number of times that I need to find a counsellor, that scares the jeepers out of me.. but I think you might be right.. I will try and grow a pair and consider that more.
Tigger - no worries, a fair few people dont want to know when they find out I am still drinking. Its common. I wish you continued success.
Anna - I suspect you could be on to something there, I have considered more the thought of Dr intervention, I have tried that before, had a little dalliance with Prozac, that really did not work for me... made me worse than ever, Suicide seemed completely feasible and rational to me then. amd firmly convinced that was the pills. It has crossed my mind since, but I know that is the crazy talking.. On those pills it was completely different. I ahev been told a number of times that I need to find a counsellor, that scares the jeepers out of me.. but I think you might be right.. I will try and grow a pair and consider that more.
Tigger - no worries, a fair few people dont want to know when they find out I am still drinking. Its common. I wish you continued success.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Canterbell,
It's OK to not understand, and it's normal to doubt oneself, to not quite be able to see yourself as a sober, happy and content person. That's how it is when you're not quite there yet. I shared in a meeting two hours ago about the first time I dared believe it might be possible, I might actually be able to someday be like the person who was telling me that I didn't have to drink ever again. You are no different than I was at that stage, and I can tell you that sobriety is real, that the happiness and contentedness is real and achievable. The thing is, you have to want sobriety more than you want to drink and work at it rather than listen to all the * that your brain tells you: that you're different, that this is too hard, that it'll never work.
Every person's journey is different, and it's your disease talking when you hear that you that you cannot do this. You can - you just need help. I found that help at AA - there are other options that also work, but you have to do the work to get the results.
Good luck CB - and you can do this.
Eddie
It's OK to not understand, and it's normal to doubt oneself, to not quite be able to see yourself as a sober, happy and content person. That's how it is when you're not quite there yet. I shared in a meeting two hours ago about the first time I dared believe it might be possible, I might actually be able to someday be like the person who was telling me that I didn't have to drink ever again. You are no different than I was at that stage, and I can tell you that sobriety is real, that the happiness and contentedness is real and achievable. The thing is, you have to want sobriety more than you want to drink and work at it rather than listen to all the * that your brain tells you: that you're different, that this is too hard, that it'll never work.
Every person's journey is different, and it's your disease talking when you hear that you that you cannot do this. You can - you just need help. I found that help at AA - there are other options that also work, but you have to do the work to get the results.
Good luck CB - and you can do this.
Eddie
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Dee - 15 years? Really? I am glad you got it in the end. You sound like and incredibly strong person, Im not sure I can dance this dance for 15 years.
I was incredibly stubborn arrogant - and a bit stupid really....
There were other ways to deal with my problems - I just had to look for them.
I've gotten wiser in my old age - thank heavens
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
You are lucky that you have the realization that you have. You're lucky you have the sense to come here and vent...even if you are still drinking, at least you are admitting the guilt and admitting you are having a hard time with this whole quitting thang.
Believe me...there is nothing wrong with that.
I walked the plank for many many years. It was a matter of time before I fell in. Or literally jumped in because of my stubborness.
I swam to shore and poured the water from my boots. Now I don't go near the water.
You're time will come...you need to want to stay sober more than you want that drink. I believe that we get second chances because time wasn't ready for the first one. All in due time...
Believe me...there is nothing wrong with that.
I walked the plank for many many years. It was a matter of time before I fell in. Or literally jumped in because of my stubborness.
I swam to shore and poured the water from my boots. Now I don't go near the water.
You're time will come...you need to want to stay sober more than you want that drink. I believe that we get second chances because time wasn't ready for the first one. All in due time...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hi there Cantor....
I feel for you but at the same time 6 months isn't very long to wade your way through all of life's challenges and an addiction. You still have a lot to learn just ai I do. One thing I can't stress enough is the doctor piece. I'm wondering if you can work with a team of doctors. Get yourself honest with a family doc who can hook you up with all the other resources you need to battle for your life. At some point you will slowly become sick as you know, don't let this get the best of you! Look to the people in the medical field for your answers in the short term and don't think about anything but today! You have no idea where you may be in another 6 months. Who knows you may be sober. Don't give up.. I know the additive voice is loud but you will find your way.
I feel for you but at the same time 6 months isn't very long to wade your way through all of life's challenges and an addiction. You still have a lot to learn just ai I do. One thing I can't stress enough is the doctor piece. I'm wondering if you can work with a team of doctors. Get yourself honest with a family doc who can hook you up with all the other resources you need to battle for your life. At some point you will slowly become sick as you know, don't let this get the best of you! Look to the people in the medical field for your answers in the short term and don't think about anything but today! You have no idea where you may be in another 6 months. Who knows you may be sober. Don't give up.
. I know the additive voice is loud but you will find your way.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Canter the only thing you should feel guilty for is putting us on a pedestal. I hate it when I am put on a pedestal by others because then other others try to knock me down! It is so hard to keep my balance on that tiny pedestal that I forget all about why I was on it in the first place. You see we are all just like you, and don't deserve to be put on a pedestal. Once you get your feet on the ground i certainly won't put you on a pedestal.
You see we aren't any better than you.
It was about a decade for me that I couldn't quit. For maybe 8 years of that last ten I really believed I chose not to quit, and deluded myself into believing I could quit anytime I wanted to. Dumb! Those last two I tried mightily to quit every day. I asked for some help from the man upstairs one day finally and things started happening. I don't normally humble myself to ask for help, but am quick to thank for wonderful things that go right and or are beautiful.
So I know the feeling. I decided i needed to check into a hospital and detox under wraps and used AA and here and counseling and family and friends and my docs and even tried a few days of rehab. If there were a local SMART group I would have joined them too.
You see I decided I wanted to quit and just needed the help to get started. So I put down my self reliance and used everything available locally and on line for me and it worked. No picking and choosing. No conditions on my recovery like I won't do that because i am scared or that embarrasses me.
Being an out of control alcoholic and with my health going fast scared me and embarrassed me much more than any admitting I had a problem to friends and family ever could. But it took a couple of more years of serious going in circles and thinking and sinking down and dirty before I got my head straight that I had to do something different. I was always doing things the way I always did them and always getting the same results. It is insane to expect different results right?
For me it was one step at a time. First sober for more than 8 hours asleep. Then regaining some self respect and dignity and using that positive feeling fast to get more and stay sober. Then to heal and help that by getting out and eating and exercising.
My doing one thing only resulted in the expected failure daily and that was my comfort you see. I didn't have to change, or get off my axe and start to swing it.
Then I could stay in my comfort zone of self flagellation for being a failure, because failures can't fail anymore can they, they are already a success at not succeeding. I was a champion as long as I didn't rock the boat with anything new by actually doing it. I was an expert at saying try as my only effort at trying. I was a whiz at trying to try and never getting started because i was too busy trying, to get anything done.
Do or do not do, there is no try.
Yoda
Take some peace and believe and do something, anything, new and different to do daily as part of your recovery.
But don't ask me to accept fault for you feeling guilty because of something you did, like putting me on a pedestal.
Let's start on level ground where you can't just lean on my pedestal and have me tumble down to earth and not be able to live up to your expectations. Too much for me to attempt there.
How about you and me/us meet as equals. Aha! Not only do you not want that because you don't believe, but you are afraid that you will have to balance on that dang pedestal you keep putting yourself and people up on.
Isn't it much easier for us both if we are just friends that can make mistakes, and see what we can accomplish when we set our minds to doing it today?
You see we aren't any better than you.
It was about a decade for me that I couldn't quit. For maybe 8 years of that last ten I really believed I chose not to quit, and deluded myself into believing I could quit anytime I wanted to. Dumb! Those last two I tried mightily to quit every day. I asked for some help from the man upstairs one day finally and things started happening. I don't normally humble myself to ask for help, but am quick to thank for wonderful things that go right and or are beautiful.
So I know the feeling. I decided i needed to check into a hospital and detox under wraps and used AA and here and counseling and family and friends and my docs and even tried a few days of rehab. If there were a local SMART group I would have joined them too.
You see I decided I wanted to quit and just needed the help to get started. So I put down my self reliance and used everything available locally and on line for me and it worked. No picking and choosing. No conditions on my recovery like I won't do that because i am scared or that embarrasses me.
Being an out of control alcoholic and with my health going fast scared me and embarrassed me much more than any admitting I had a problem to friends and family ever could. But it took a couple of more years of serious going in circles and thinking and sinking down and dirty before I got my head straight that I had to do something different. I was always doing things the way I always did them and always getting the same results. It is insane to expect different results right?
For me it was one step at a time. First sober for more than 8 hours asleep. Then regaining some self respect and dignity and using that positive feeling fast to get more and stay sober. Then to heal and help that by getting out and eating and exercising.
My doing one thing only resulted in the expected failure daily and that was my comfort you see. I didn't have to change, or get off my axe and start to swing it.
Then I could stay in my comfort zone of self flagellation for being a failure, because failures can't fail anymore can they, they are already a success at not succeeding. I was a champion as long as I didn't rock the boat with anything new by actually doing it. I was an expert at saying try as my only effort at trying. I was a whiz at trying to try and never getting started because i was too busy trying, to get anything done.
Do or do not do, there is no try.
Yoda
Take some peace and believe and do something, anything, new and different to do daily as part of your recovery.
But don't ask me to accept fault for you feeling guilty because of something you did, like putting me on a pedestal.
Let's start on level ground where you can't just lean on my pedestal and have me tumble down to earth and not be able to live up to your expectations. Too much for me to attempt there.
How about you and me/us meet as equals. Aha! Not only do you not want that because you don't believe, but you are afraid that you will have to balance on that dang pedestal you keep putting yourself and people up on.
Isn't it much easier for us both if we are just friends that can make mistakes, and see what we can accomplish when we set our minds to doing it today?
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi canterbell --
It's not a sobriety contest here and I don't think you have to worry about letting anyone down. We have all struggled or are struggling with addiction in some way and we've all been in your shoes at one point or another. We're all in this together and I'm glad you are here and being honest about your drinking and your struggles.
I guess maybe it might be time to take the next step for you and put down the bottle. You can learn a lot and get a lot of support from the forums here, but ultimately when it comes down to it you won't get sober just by hanging around here, it's not something you can pick up by osmosis.
Fortunately, because of the support you have here, if you were to take that step and quit drinking you will have a great deal of help from all of us here.
Like I said though, don't worry about what people here think of you. Any finger pointing is like the pot calling the kettle black, lol.
It's not a sobriety contest here and I don't think you have to worry about letting anyone down. We have all struggled or are struggling with addiction in some way and we've all been in your shoes at one point or another. We're all in this together and I'm glad you are here and being honest about your drinking and your struggles.
I guess maybe it might be time to take the next step for you and put down the bottle. You can learn a lot and get a lot of support from the forums here, but ultimately when it comes down to it you won't get sober just by hanging around here, it's not something you can pick up by osmosis.
Fortunately, because of the support you have here, if you were to take that step and quit drinking you will have a great deal of help from all of us here.
Like I said though, don't worry about what people here think of you. Any finger pointing is like the pot calling the kettle black, lol.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by canterbell 
I have tried that before, had a little dalliance with Prozac, that really did not work for me... made me worse than ever.
I'm now taking some medication while sober for the first time in my life and the positive effects are tremendous (not Prozac, there are medical technologies available now that work better for me). These drugs are never offered by doctors on the basis that they will work while we continue to drink or use other drugs.
So if and when you do decide to stop drinking, that might be a good point to revisit the doctor and see what help is available with an open mind.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
In my experience after many years of trying (to moderate, take a break etc etc), I discovered that a total unconditional surrender and a commitment to never go back was the key that unlocked the door to the dungeon I was in.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Canterbell,
I know you know how I feel about you. I am always here for you, and you better not leave . I dont have the money to come over and smack you right now.
Be the adopted girl your supposed to be , for together we can let the sun shine upon our faces.
With love , Inda
I know you know how I feel about you. I am always here for you, and you better not leave . I dont have the money to come over and smack you right now.
Be the adopted girl your supposed to be , for together we can let the sun shine upon our faces.
With love , Inda
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
canterbell. Once I started my journey into getting sober, there was no goign back. I always felt guilty after picking up and the guilt increases over time. but in the end I made it for 10 month by now. So keep trying. Going back is not an option and you know that. The guilt feelingis there to drive you fowrard. be brave and try to have faith, you will get where you want to be,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: UK.
Posts: 143
Thank you all for your responses.
Itchy, I understand much of what you said, but I have to admit you lost me a little towards the end of your post. I get the impression I peed you off somewhat. I apologise. I'm not sure what this actually means...
"..But don't ask me to accept fault for you feeling guilty because of something you did, like putting me on a pedestal.
Let's start on level ground where you can't just lean on my pedestal and have me tumble down to earth and not be able to live up to your expectations. Too much for me to attempt there.
How about you and me/us meet as equals. Aha! Not only do you not want that because you don't believe, but you are afraid that you will have to balance on that dang pedestal you keep putting yourself and people up on.
Isn't it much easier for us both if we are just friends that can make mistakes, and see what we can accomplish when we set our minds to doing it today?.."
Inda - I feel like I am about to be sent to my room! lol
To clarify, I think what I was trying to say in my original post is that I have been here, lurking and reading and chatting and learning for 6 months. As yet I am still unable to define what my relationship is with alcohol, though I think that in every constructive converssation I have, I become a little more assured that my relationship is an unhealthy one. I know I have to make the change, I am not sure that alcohol or the departure from it is what scares me, I think its more that whilever I feel rancid, I can blame alcohol. Take that away, and I have to stare into the abyss, and look at the things I have spent my whole life avoiding. The Medusa's eye if you will.
Ok, so waffling now.. I'm sorry.
*hugs*
But it seems that life happens, drunk, sober, happy or otherwise, you cant change ot or affect it. Sometimes it sucks. thats just how it is.
Itchy, I understand much of what you said, but I have to admit you lost me a little towards the end of your post. I get the impression I peed you off somewhat. I apologise. I'm not sure what this actually means...
"..But don't ask me to accept fault for you feeling guilty because of something you did, like putting me on a pedestal.
Let's start on level ground where you can't just lean on my pedestal and have me tumble down to earth and not be able to live up to your expectations. Too much for me to attempt there.
How about you and me/us meet as equals. Aha! Not only do you not want that because you don't believe, but you are afraid that you will have to balance on that dang pedestal you keep putting yourself and people up on.
Isn't it much easier for us both if we are just friends that can make mistakes, and see what we can accomplish when we set our minds to doing it today?.."
Inda - I feel like I am about to be sent to my room! lol
To clarify, I think what I was trying to say in my original post is that I have been here, lurking and reading and chatting and learning for 6 months. As yet I am still unable to define what my relationship is with alcohol, though I think that in every constructive converssation I have, I become a little more assured that my relationship is an unhealthy one. I know I have to make the change, I am not sure that alcohol or the departure from it is what scares me, I think its more that whilever I feel rancid, I can blame alcohol. Take that away, and I have to stare into the abyss, and look at the things I have spent my whole life avoiding. The Medusa's eye if you will.
Ok, so waffling now.. I'm sorry.
*hugs*
But it seems that life happens, drunk, sober, happy or otherwise, you cant change ot or affect it. Sometimes it sucks. thats just how it is.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi canterbell -
I used to drink and read this forum all the time - it took me quite a while to work up to a commitment. Everything looked OK with my life from the outside, so I kept justifying my drinking, but inside I often felt I was barely holding it together. The anxiety and depression from drinking increased over time and at the end I was drinking to deal with what drinking had caused.
Please don't feel ashamed - this isn't about letting anyone down and you're no different that those of us who have gotten sober. You just don't know it yet..... Alcoholism and addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful" as they say in AA and it affect millions of people. We were all in the same place at one time, thinking we'd never be able to give up alcohol.
Give yourself credit for coming here and being honest - that's not easy to do.
I used to drink and read this forum all the time - it took me quite a while to work up to a commitment. Everything looked OK with my life from the outside, so I kept justifying my drinking, but inside I often felt I was barely holding it together. The anxiety and depression from drinking increased over time and at the end I was drinking to deal with what drinking had caused.
Please don't feel ashamed - this isn't about letting anyone down and you're no different that those of us who have gotten sober. You just don't know it yet..... Alcoholism and addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful" as they say in AA and it affect millions of people. We were all in the same place at one time, thinking we'd never be able to give up alcohol.
Give yourself credit for coming here and being honest - that's not easy to do.
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