Finally Posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Toronto area
Posts: 67
Finally Posting
Hello all, I have been veiwing this forum from time to time, trying to decide if it was right for me and trying to decide if I was willing to admit my problem enough by registering.
Well my drinking is consuming me, ruining my life and the support on this board is something I desperately need, and would love to contribute to. I am so relieved to have found this site in the first place and to finally let myself join.
Me: Early thirties, married, female, two small children (one still in diapers), university degree, great job, supportive/engaging parents, awesome husband. My friends would be floored if they knew how much alcohol controls my life.
I have been drinking fairly heavily for 15 years. There are some days (the next day...) where my body feels like it is collapsing and I am so surprised my heart doesn't just stop right then and there. And I feel so **** all day long, swearing this is the day I make the big change, and then I still feel awful when I get home at the end of the day, and one drink later, I feel so much better, and every day remains the same.
I know I am killing myself, I can feel it. Some days I shake so badly I can barely write my signature. I think the severity of my drinking has possibly traumatized my central nervous system. I really never would have believed i would be the type of person to be so massively addicted. It is genetic and my mother and both sisters are addicts, although I don't even let them have a clue that I am the worst one. They think I am the one that has it altogether.
Anyhow, I am determined to quit. I know cutting back is not an option for me. I am too intense about alcohol. I know I really need to QUIT. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I could cry about drinking and not drinking equally. Both options seem devestating. I am so mad that something like this has such a grip on me.
Sorry for such a long post. Am looking forward to meeting everyone :
Well my drinking is consuming me, ruining my life and the support on this board is something I desperately need, and would love to contribute to. I am so relieved to have found this site in the first place and to finally let myself join.
Me: Early thirties, married, female, two small children (one still in diapers), university degree, great job, supportive/engaging parents, awesome husband. My friends would be floored if they knew how much alcohol controls my life.
I have been drinking fairly heavily for 15 years. There are some days (the next day...) where my body feels like it is collapsing and I am so surprised my heart doesn't just stop right then and there. And I feel so **** all day long, swearing this is the day I make the big change, and then I still feel awful when I get home at the end of the day, and one drink later, I feel so much better, and every day remains the same.
I know I am killing myself, I can feel it. Some days I shake so badly I can barely write my signature. I think the severity of my drinking has possibly traumatized my central nervous system. I really never would have believed i would be the type of person to be so massively addicted. It is genetic and my mother and both sisters are addicts, although I don't even let them have a clue that I am the worst one. They think I am the one that has it altogether.
Anyhow, I am determined to quit. I know cutting back is not an option for me. I am too intense about alcohol. I know I really need to QUIT. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I could cry about drinking and not drinking equally. Both options seem devestating. I am so mad that something like this has such a grip on me.
Sorry for such a long post. Am looking forward to meeting everyone :
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR, Jenners! You have found a place full of people who understand exactly how you are feeling. We were all new posters at one time, too. You will get a lot of support here. Please, make yourself at home and be sure to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of useful information there.
Hang around, read and post as often as you wish. We're here to support you!
Hang around, read and post as often as you wish. We're here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
Hi Jenners. Welcome! Sounds like you've made a great first step.
You can do this! I was the same as you and I have been kicking around here...not drinking, since June 13th! The absence of shame and guilt alone is enough to make it all worthwhile!
You'll get some amazing support here.
You can do this! I was the same as you and I have been kicking around here...not drinking, since June 13th! The absence of shame and guilt alone is enough to make it all worthwhile!
You'll get some amazing support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Jenners 
Welcome - I wasn't sure what I wanted when I first got here either - and you're right...thinking of both drinking and not drinking felt like a loss and a terrible ordeal for me back then...
There is really is a lot of support and ideas here though - a lot of understanding too.
You're really not alone
We're glad to have you with us
D
Welcome - I wasn't sure what I wanted when I first got here either - and you're right...thinking of both drinking and not drinking felt like a loss and a terrible ordeal for me back then...
There is really is a lot of support and ideas here though - a lot of understanding too.
You're really not alone
We're glad to have you with us
D
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you decided to begin posting.
I was really angry when I admitted that I had a problem with drinking. I was angry because, as you said, neither drinking nor abstinence felt right. Both sounded terrible. Fortunately I stuck with it, and after several failed attempts I have now been sober 7 months and I'm quite confident I will never drink again. My life is so much more manageable now, and I look back with amazement and wonder why I ever hemmed and hawed over making this decision in the first place.
I know that you can have the same success I did. Stick around here and find some stories that resound with you, learn some techniques and tips to stay sober and try to find a program of recovery that will work for you and that you can be committed to, whether that be a "formal" program like AA or more of a hodgepodge of things to keep yourself clean. Whatever you do, do it with gusto and drive and you will be successful.
I would see a doctor if you are concerned about possible detox symptoms. Detox can be risky depending on your drinking history, so I would highly recommend having an honest discussion with your doctor about your drinking. Doctors hear about this stuff all the time, so you don't have to feel as if they are going to judge you.
I hope everything works well for you, keep us posted on your progress post whenever you feel like you need some support.
Best wishes!
I was really angry when I admitted that I had a problem with drinking. I was angry because, as you said, neither drinking nor abstinence felt right. Both sounded terrible. Fortunately I stuck with it, and after several failed attempts I have now been sober 7 months and I'm quite confident I will never drink again. My life is so much more manageable now, and I look back with amazement and wonder why I ever hemmed and hawed over making this decision in the first place.
I know that you can have the same success I did. Stick around here and find some stories that resound with you, learn some techniques and tips to stay sober and try to find a program of recovery that will work for you and that you can be committed to, whether that be a "formal" program like AA or more of a hodgepodge of things to keep yourself clean. Whatever you do, do it with gusto and drive and you will be successful.
I would see a doctor if you are concerned about possible detox symptoms. Detox can be risky depending on your drinking history, so I would highly recommend having an honest discussion with your doctor about your drinking. Doctors hear about this stuff all the time, so you don't have to feel as if they are going to judge you.
I hope everything works well for you, keep us posted on your progress post whenever you feel like you need some support.
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 64
Welcome, Jenners!
I completely identify with the "what if" feelings - what if people knew, what if I finally hit bottom.... When you are drinking, you often feel so completely alone - like you are the only one who has felt this way. One of the beautiful things about recovery is that you will find that your problems aren't unique and you will never need to hide anything from us. I hope that you find that fact as freeing as I did! It gave me back my self-respect.
Just bear with it and each day gets a little easier.
I completely identify with the "what if" feelings - what if people knew, what if I finally hit bottom.... When you are drinking, you often feel so completely alone - like you are the only one who has felt this way. One of the beautiful things about recovery is that you will find that your problems aren't unique and you will never need to hide anything from us. I hope that you find that fact as freeing as I did! It gave me back my self-respect.
Just bear with it and each day gets a little easier.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hi there Jenners and welcome! This place and the relationships you create here will be the biggest buzz kill! I mean that in a good way! LOL. Your children will be so glad to have a sober mom! Your relationships and job performance will improve as well.
If you have the shakes and the cravings at the end of your work day I'd say get to the doctor and be safe. Glad to have you here!
If you have the shakes and the cravings at the end of your work day I'd say get to the doctor and be safe. Glad to have you here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 42
Hi and WELCOME Jenners!
Being so new her myself about all I can do is echo what the others have said. Read others posts. The more you read the more you'll discover how many are in the same situation as you. For me it made me feel less isolated and alone. A little over a week ago I hit ROCK BOTTOM and by some miracle found this place. The understanding, support and experience of the wonderful folks here gave me the foundation to begin to climb my way out of the grave I was digging for myself. I am now on Day 5 sober thanks to those here.
I would like to suggest seeing your doctor though and be perfectly honest with him. That's where and when my recovery began in earnest. He was completely understanding, supportive and non-judgmental as I'd bet your doctor will be. As most here will tell you, you have more inner strength than you may realize.
Hang in there and stay strong!
Being so new her myself about all I can do is echo what the others have said. Read others posts. The more you read the more you'll discover how many are in the same situation as you. For me it made me feel less isolated and alone. A little over a week ago I hit ROCK BOTTOM and by some miracle found this place. The understanding, support and experience of the wonderful folks here gave me the foundation to begin to climb my way out of the grave I was digging for myself. I am now on Day 5 sober thanks to those here.
I would like to suggest seeing your doctor though and be perfectly honest with him. That's where and when my recovery began in earnest. He was completely understanding, supportive and non-judgmental as I'd bet your doctor will be. As most here will tell you, you have more inner strength than you may realize.
Hang in there and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Jenners 
There are some days (the next day...) where my body feels like it is collapsing and I am so surprised my heart doesn't just stop right then and there. And I feel so **** all day long, swearing this is the day I make the big change, and then I still feel awful when I get home at the end of the day, and one drink later, I feel so much better, and every day remains the same.
Member_by His Grace
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 4
Wow_I know you, its me
I have only been viewing this for a day, but found a close vibe. Joined tonight looking for a few answers and friends that don't understand why I just can have a couple drinks. All mean well, and would do anything for me. I just hide....
I am daddy of 4 boys, turned 42 about 1:21 min ago and feel totally controlled by the "other dog". What brought me to this post is the 2 dogs fighting post from 2008. the Search for that quote brought me here. Google it if you did not see it.
I told a someone a few months ago that I only feel normal after a few (?). I saw that in your post.
God bless, Hope you find your answers. I am looking for mine. I had three life long friends text me today (at crossroads) stepping in and telling me how much they were there for me. This was huge. Please don't hide, reach out to the ones you know love you for you.
Good night all!
I am daddy of 4 boys, turned 42 about 1:21 min ago and feel totally controlled by the "other dog". What brought me to this post is the 2 dogs fighting post from 2008. the Search for that quote brought me here. Google it if you did not see it.
I told a someone a few months ago that I only feel normal after a few (?). I saw that in your post.
God bless, Hope you find your answers. I am looking for mine. I had three life long friends text me today (at crossroads) stepping in and telling me how much they were there for me. This was huge. Please don't hide, reach out to the ones you know love you for you.
Good night all!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Toronto area
Posts: 67
A sense of relief
Thank you everyone for all your kind words of support. Ithas felt like one big giant hug. I can't tell you what a relief it has been to openly (albeit anonymously) say how I am feeling. These thoughts consume me and I don't share them with anyone, it makes me want to burst.
I did end up talking to my Dr today. I hadn't really planned to. I had to have an annual check-up a month or so ago and I guess I have some elevated levels of two things (can't remember what they were, LSA and LST or something) and it means I have high enzymes in my liver. She was going on about all the things that could cause it, fatty deposits in the liver, diabetes, tuberculosis, alcohol. I have been at such an emotional peak in my addiction (hence joining here) that I just decided to be honest. Anyhow, we started going through my alcohol history and while she said she wished I had talked to her sooner, she was so kind and gentle about it. She gave me a requisition to get an abdominal ultrasound done to look at my liver, and wants me to make another appt in 2 weeks time to get the results. In the meantime she is going to start looking at treatment options for me. I have been hiding this secret for so long, I have now finally told you guys (not that I really know you, but it's still a big deal just to say it) and my doctor.
I did end up talking to my Dr today. I hadn't really planned to. I had to have an annual check-up a month or so ago and I guess I have some elevated levels of two things (can't remember what they were, LSA and LST or something) and it means I have high enzymes in my liver. She was going on about all the things that could cause it, fatty deposits in the liver, diabetes, tuberculosis, alcohol. I have been at such an emotional peak in my addiction (hence joining here) that I just decided to be honest. Anyhow, we started going through my alcohol history and while she said she wished I had talked to her sooner, she was so kind and gentle about it. She gave me a requisition to get an abdominal ultrasound done to look at my liver, and wants me to make another appt in 2 weeks time to get the results. In the meantime she is going to start looking at treatment options for me. I have been hiding this secret for so long, I have now finally told you guys (not that I really know you, but it's still a big deal just to say it) and my doctor.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
WElcome to the family. :ghug3 I too have found enormous support here along with useful information. I hope we can help you as much as this site has helped me and so many others.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Welcome Jenners and I'm happy for you that you're starting to take steps to get your life back. Think of how free you'll feel when you don't have to hide this anymore. I hope I see you back posting and working your plan.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Jenners big huge welcome to SR!
I could have written your post myself ~ you have opened the door (wide) to a better life...you DON'T have to live in this cycle of HELL anymore.
I see that you are in the Toronto area ~ if you want to private message me I'd be only too happy to give you some support and insight into what I have done for recovery (including treatment) ~ you are alone, no more in this.
Big huge hug :ghug3
I could have written your post myself ~ you have opened the door (wide) to a better life...you DON'T have to live in this cycle of HELL anymore.
I see that you are in the Toronto area ~ if you want to private message me I'd be only too happy to give you some support and insight into what I have done for recovery (including treatment) ~ you are alone, no more in this.
Big huge hug :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Jenners, our lives are VERY different but many of the things you wrote, I am going through those exact things. Especially sometimes waking up and thinking "wow, how the heck did I make it through that night alive". Or kneeling at the toilet, shielding my eyes from the morning sun, considering calling into work, and wondering how I'm not dead yet. Or my hands shaking so badly when picking up a pen and I hope the cashier/coworker/bank-teller doesn't notice. Thanks for posting and good luck with your journey.
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