Feeblemind

hello everyone, just thought i should make an inital post to start the ball rolling as it were. i'll preface this by saying i'm horrible at spelling and i dont have a checker. I have 23 days clean as of this morning. Ive dealt with addiction for five years and recovery for about two. i typically can't get past 60 days clean. I seem to iniciate my addictive thinking right after i relape by useing things like cigarettes and caffene to help regulate my mood. by day 30 i usually have bought my fist lottery ticket by 45 i'll have stopped by a bar for a harmless quick drink. and by 60 i'll be off chaseing my drug of choice. All of this of course will be rationalized away by unforseen circumstances, even though i tend to create my own problems. also dealing with life on its terms without the use of something seems to be to much for my fragile ego to handle. even when i'm not drinking or useing the same problems that started me down this path are stilll present, and in most cases worse due to my behavior. I'm hopeing joining this community will help me keep on track. I've recieved my "last chance" warnings along time ago and if i dont pull myself out of this i will enevitably lose everyone i care about. To my current goings on I've put my wife through about five years of horrific emotional trama, the active cycle of addiction the dissappearing for a day or so leaveing her alone with our children. The whoops i spent the rent money sorry about that honey and most assuredly the "i promise i'll never do this again" speeches.I've destroyed my credibility and lost all the trust she once had in me. I'm not even sure where to start. Ive read alot of good material on the net about relationships, Yet i havn't found to much about starting from such a deficet. I sign over my paychecks to her to deposit, and i make sure that a trip to the store is exactly that no unathurized stops etc. i cook and clean and watch the children most of the time. since we are poor there isn't a way i can pay back the money that has been squandered.I'm hopeing these "baby" steps will help show my commitment and will slowly build up the trust bit by bit. She still has "talks" with me about the things i have done and how bad they hurt her, whitch are painful but i take as a good sign that the relationship might still be salvageable. To be honest i'm not sure what i'm asking for... i suppose any tips or good articles to read. i just miss my wife the way it was. i get it'll never be the same as it was but i think you folks should know what i mean by that. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even if she would be happier without me. she deserves better than what she has gotten...and i'd like to give her that, i just dont know how/what to do to show her that. any help with this would be appreciated

AzM

Welcome Feeble!

Terminally Unique

The only thing your wife is interested in is that you never drink/use again and that you never change your mind. Tell her you understand that you put her through much turmoil, that you accept full responsibility, and that you will try to see her point of view from here on out. She has good reason to not trust you, so allow her to come around on her own schedule. Also, kick the cigarettes to the curb and allow your mind and body to adjust to normal living.

least

Welcome to the family. You'll find a lot of support and useful information here.

Sparkydog

Sounds to me like youve identified the problem, are working on the solution and your wife hasnt given up on you yet. Stay on the path.

Bruman

Welcome Feeblemind. You and I are searching for the same thing. Finding a way past our usual dates. I've determined in my case, if enough time goes by, I forget about the pain and suffering of the last bender and can start the justification for the next one. I actually think I plan for them now that I look at my patterns. Your story sound very similar to mine with your wife.

I've made a commitment to myself that I am going to check in here on SR everyday. That's it. I figure if I can remind myself of my problem I can make it through that one day. Feel free to drop me a line if you want.

Itchy

Welcome aboard feeble.
So what are you doing right now that is different than all the other times? Are you willing to stay sober once all the pain is gone, the marriage is salvaged, and you are out of debt?

The best tip I can give you is to understand this; If you always do things, the way you always did them, aren't you always going to get the same results?

That worked for me, and then I used every resource locally and online I could find. Coming here to SR was my best choice. I also decided that I can never drink again or smoke again, both of which I quit. I detoxed in hospital, did some rehab, joined here first and then found an AA group I liked. ( The first one was horrible for me, amazing how that can be) With family and counseling support, but mostly that realization that I can't get better and control it, I can become a healthier non drinker/non-smoker.

Hang in there, or hangover!

Impurrfect

(((Feeble))) - welcome to SR!! I had a bunch of "let me just get past"..however many days or weeks, but finally found recovery and SR has been a huge part of that. It's like one big family with similar situations.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Feeblemind

thanks for evryones reply. I'm having a very hard time at this. Quiting the useing part not so much, more of an overall attitude of gratatude or lack there of. The basic conundrum of how to be happy being unhappy. I seem to get stone-walled at NA and flamed at AA meetings about this. it tends to speak of my selfishness as it were, whitch is still unforunately an unresolved charecter defect. i am typically told to "man up" or something like that, although when i begin to think in that kind of mind frame my addiction is usually the one calling the shots. reverting back to a much younger me with no self esteem, is quit frankly horrifying. and honestly i'm not sure how to proceed. most of the methods ive introduced fail. thus the habitual clean/relapse cycle. to follow the path of "grow up and be a man" leads me down paths that quite frankly i'm not sure i care to down. I've attepted to go down them earlier in my recovery and they have been a depressing hit/miss existance. perhaps i didnt pursue them long enough i dont know i burn out into a negative case of the F-its, not the i'll go use again kind more like the i dont care if i'm homeless kind. also if all it took was someone screaming grow the f up to cure this i'd have done so long ago.the other counciling approaches have all been so soft that i really have a hard time even following along. the nonsence of this isnt my fault ...of course it is i get that, i get some of my days are going to suck really bad because of the choices ive made i can handle that without useing. although the underlying tone of how many really sucky days in a row do i need to endure is always present. sometime i think i should just pack up and leave everything behind, but then i'd just be running again and that was what i was trying to do with the drugs. if anyone has thoughts or comments feel free and post'm. i'm pretty sure i'll be flamed again for this kind of post but what the heck , i gotta try right

Dee74

Hi FM
Welcome to SR

I didn't want to 'man up' either...but my drinking and drugging nearly (literally) killed me.

when I woke up and looked around at the pain I was inflicting on myself, and the pain I was inflicting on my loved ones, I knew I couldn't live my old life any longer.

I know what you mean when you say "to follow the path of grow up and be a man leads me down paths that quite frankly i'm not sure i care to down"

It was tough - I'd drank and drugged for 30 years or so all up....

any uncomfortable feelings, or situations, or past baggage I'd drank or drugged away.

It was hard dealing with all that sober.

Honestly, there was little joy in my life for a while - I'd dug a very very deep hole for myself...it took a long time to climb out back into the light....

it took me 90 days before I started feeling good about my decision, rather than just accepting living sober was the right thing to do.

That's why support is so important - those days when I felt I couldn't go on, I leant on people, I asked for help and they got me through.

People told me it would get better and it did - as my mind and body healed my perceptions changed - I didn't 'revert to a younger version of myself' but I did rediscover the man I used to be before I started getting wasted...

If you want a better life, and you want to be a better man, you have to stop drinking and drugging and you have to do the hard yards - I don;t believe there's any short cuts there FM.

but you're not alone in this, and it's not as impossible a task as it seems

I've never regretted getting sober and staying that way - I got my life, and my soul, back

I hope to see you around a lot more

D

adore79

hi FM welcome!

pacificsunrise

Feeblemind,

welcome to SR. i just wanted to extend my support. i am writing from "the other side" and am "a wife" that is also struggling w/ my husband's addiction. you seem to be on the right path, as bad as that path might look to you at times. at least, you do recognize the fact that change is needed. the actions to support that change are up to you. you have the strength to do it and stay sober. sometimes, it may not seem like that, but in due time you will be able to build up your confidence. everybody's life sucks at some point in time, and frankly lately the idea of getting drunk or high has crossed my mind too, even though i never really have done either one on a regular basis. i guess what i'm trying to say is that we all have temptations and struggles and i am confident that you can do it. every day or even hour that you stay clean/sober will make it easier.

your wife is a brave woman and she still trusts you to make the right choice, otherwise she would have been gone long time ago. it is not too late to build the trust, it will just take some work.

i just wanted to extend my welcome and support to you. i know that it is not easy, but you can do it.

take care. prayers to you and your family.

Feeblemind

Day 38 whew, i dont know about anyone else but this seems to get harder every day. it seems like ive been doing well only had a few really hard days, but i'm seeing warning signs that i'm losing my way. i feel like i'm in a boat that has a really small leak, it's so slow that i'm in no immediate danger, yet if i dont do something this ship will enevitably sink. i kinda think that my addiction is on the ropes, i'm throwing everything i have at myself, all the tricks and traps i've used to return to abuse. i've found myself missing sleep, being really critical of my wife, and becomeing over sensitive to others criticism. the issue currently is i dont know how to stop. i do fairly well challengeing logic flaws and diminishing emotion with perspective. I dont seem to have a good defence aginst the constant negativity in my mind. plagued by the ever present "your going to fail in the end anyway, so why pretend. why try. just go to the bar have a good time, let your wife move on with her life.... i could go on with this but it seems better to try and ignore it.the feeling of hopelessness in this cause. its not really that i want to go back to that life, its just i dunno, would seem easier to fill my life with enablers and go down with the ship. just thought i'd post an update or whatever, any tips or anything is appreciated.

Dee74

congrats on 38 days
what are you doing for support feeblemind?

D

Feeblemind

Just useing SR for support. I can talk to my wife but, most times she shuts down, because the thought of me haveing problems scares her. lately shes just been holding the "i just need everything to be ok" line. i understand where she's coming from with that, just not sure that internalizing again is the best plan, did that before , didnt work out well.

Dee74

maybe you need to use SR more FM or widen your net and look at other support options, ?

What you do is up to you of course, but in my experience, those slow leaks don't go away by themselves - and they don't get smaller....

D

Feeblemind

Well it's day 40 and i just cracked open the bottle of yagermiester, oddly enough i dont even feel bad or wierd about it, there wasn't some underlying issue that i couldn't bear to deal with. i dunno, i'm hoping that the fallout isn't too bad. i'll have to tell my wife and such about it. i dont lie to her anymore. just plain boredom, i suppose was the culprit. just thought i'd post an update.

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read you made that choice FM.

D

Feeblemind

no worries dee thanks for replying, just tired of fighting it, i'll be back on tomarrow with a fresh new outlook

Feeblemind

you know what fu** all of this, i tried to play along, i am tired of all this, my wife can be as mad as she'd like.this is just a continuation of the failures of my life, no worries. she needs to move on not continue to drag me through ********. if i am not committed to a relationship where i am put down and her "friends" are built up "**** it i have to move on kids or no kids.i cant handle another fight about how i'm the one that ****** everything up.she's the victim, the battered wife of an addict, you know what **** that, if she once put me above her"friends" this wouldn't be an issue, she can live her life how she chooses, sleeping whenever the hell she wants and chatting with whoever she chooses. but i'm done, if she cant forgive the "bad" things ive done **** her, she needs to move on not hang around for my monetary support.i'd have more support from a hooker