Jdkarlson

SO, the last time I posted, I was freaked out by having to come home from moving my grandmother across the east coast to an empty house. I think part of my depression and dread was having had a terrible childhood, where after my parents divorce, I basically spent a year alone. I lived alone with my father, who was freshly divorced. As a kid, I mistakenly thought I should live with him, since my sisters chose to live with my mom. Somehow, I figured, I shouldn't let him be alone. Unfortunately, as a kid, I couldn't see that he wanted to go so his oats. To me, I was afraid for him to be alone. Ironically, it was me that was always alone. He would work all day, come home, grab a shower, then bring random women back to the house to have sex with. I never saw him. I remember being really afraid all the time. I did this for about a year until I couldn't do it any longer.


The reason I give the above backstory, is that when I got home this past Saturday, I thought I would be instantly transported back to that situation. Untop of that fear, I also hadn't had my tiny dose of suboxone, so I think I was also experiencing low grade withdrawal maybe? I walked in the door and it was surprisingly clean. I took a little suboxone felt instantly physically better. Got a call from a friend to go out and have a beer at the bar. Decided it beats sitting at the house.

Went to the bar, and had a great time. Drank two beers, which I have little affinity for, but it helped break the ice with a few girls. It's been so long with my wife, that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to converse well, but I actually did well. I hit if off with another girl who was going through the same thing. (Who know talking about your upcoming divorce would help pick up girls?!) Maybe misery loves company, but I had no idea how little sex married people get----I thought it was just me! Anyway, hit off really well with this girl, and would have hooked up after leaving the bar, but she had to go early, and when she texted me around 2AM after dropping off her friends, my stupid phone died and I missed the opportunity to close the deal. I am rusty, but did fairly well for someone out of the game for eight years!

Now, I know everyone is going to jump on me for going to a bar and trying to pick random strangers for sex. I don't have a drinking problem (not in denial, I just would rather do cocaine; sorry alcoholics, I don't understand whats so addictive about alcohol---maybe you haven't tried cocaine but it's a LOT more pleasurable....or maybe your brain chemistry is different and you get from alcohol what i get from cocaine?) The point is, I don't feel the same powerlessness with alcohol that I do with cocaine. I'm defenseless against coke...although actually, I resisted my friends pleas to score some coke later that night. (Even after the bar and two beers, when I would normally feel the jones, it just wasnt there. It's strange to me too, since one my best friends has three ounces raw straight off the key, and I still didn't make the call...Not sure why?) I am aware of cross addiction, and am on top of it. I will admit that it'd been so long since I have been to a bar to pick up girls, I forgot how fun it is to meet new women, and try to convince them that you're not a psychopath purely intent on getting in their pants! I think the difference between then and now, is that I actually enjoy hearing other peoples stories, and where they are coming from. When I was younger, listening was a means to an end. Now, there's contentment in just getting to know the other person, which ironically seems to take the pressure off and actually INCREASE your chances for hooking up. (Or it was just a lucky night....whatever)

So, I ended spending last night halloween with the girl I met Saturday night. She's a really good person, though I doubt I can tell her about my sordid history without shocking her. She's a church going, upper middle class type, who's ten years younger than me, but seems quite intelligent. She has hinted that she had lived a crazy life when she was younger, but she has no idea who she's really talking too, and that I could blow her out the water with the things I have done and seen. I'm actually enjoying moving on from my former self. Maybe instead of dealing with all the weird stuff, I just disconnnect and become a new person? Just shed the old life, and live a new one as though I was normal. I know, you'll all write that the past will continue to haunt you until you deal with it, but it seems SO MUCH EASIER to just move on, rather than drag all the darkness in my life back out into the light.

The bonus of seeing someone new, is that I haven't been calling my ex wife while she's with her friends in California. I know it's bad to get involved with someone in the first year of recovery, but in my opinion if you're with someone who doesn't use and you have never used with them, they aren't a trigger to make me want to get high. I am actually a little puzzled why I haven't experienced the normal cycle of jones that I normally would. I have been clean 32 days today, so maybe you just need to make it past the first few weeks to get past the initial cravings? Not sure, but thanking God that it hasn't been worse. I know this whole thing is just a rebound deal, but I need something to focus besides all the horrible depressingness. A little casual sex never killed anyone (who wore protection that is

Sorry for the bluntness of this email. Makes me seem like a heartless sex maniac, but I have honestly enjoyed this girls company and if she's good with no strings sex, I'm cool with it too. Besides, it's been so long since I had a physical connection with anyone, I was blown away by how great it feels to touch and be touched. Tired of being so lonely.


Thanks for letting me vent. I've actually got an appointment with a shrink on Friday, but kinda don't want to waste the money. My ex wife was always annoying me to get into therapy, but she's gone so I don't have to do what she wants. Sort of liking that actually. As long as I don't use, I should be free to do whatever I want. I like the freedom from ultimatum.

Love to hear all opinions...

Aegian

Mornin JD,

Not sure what you are looking for here. A few weeks ago you were looking to get out from under a heroin habit (and coke infatuation) because you wanted to get your life back and save your marriage. Your wife starts talking divorce, takes a few days to visit friends in California and all of a sudden you are referring to her as your ex-wife and off picking up strange?

If thats the kind of life you are seeking, all the more power to you, but I don't really get what it is you are trying to accomplish?

Dee74

I'm a bit confused too JD - it's your life but it seems a world away from what you wanted in your first post....like...wildly so.

As far as the alcohol goes - I know many people who've been addicted to other things and say it's not their drug and do ok with social drinking.

Many others don't do ok tho and wind up with a new addiction.

Personally, I think it'd be kinda like me deciding to take up coke because it's not alcohol.

I'm a bit worried about you JD...I'm picking up a 'running away from reality' vibe here I think you need to be careful of.

D