can this be a new beginning??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
can this be a new beginning??
Hi everyone! Glad to be here. I am day 1 AGAIN 
I have been in the midst of a 3 week relapse and I hate it!!!!! I was reading some other posts on here and one statement that jumped out to me was: The worst single thing that can happen when you drink isnt a car accident, a dui or something bad, its Nothing. *thats not word for word, but you get the point. That is so true!!! When nothing happens, I feel like I have gotten away with it and feels like a victory!!! That is absolutely ridiculous. I recieved a phone call from a fellow aa'er last night and I poured my heart and soul out to her.I havent been to a meeting in almost 3 weeks. I told her that I really dont like the program and that I would never walk into those doors and pretend that I hadnt been drinking.... And I feel like now if I walked back in there, there would be so much sadness on peoples faces that I just dont want to deal with that. I also told her how I cant stand the drama. I also feel like going to 10 meetings a week isnt a reasonable expectation for the rest of my life.... cuz its not gonna happen. I havent been drinking to escape problems over the last 3 weeks. I have just had some drinks with people and it sneaks up so fast and then bam.... wasted.... I hate the hangovers, I hate the black outs and I hate the guilt.... I have created the guilt myself, because I know that I should not be drinking like that. It truely does sadden me. I hate that I just do it after work, in the privacy of my own home, after the kids are in bed. It just feels so adult. Like yes,I deserve a glass or 2 of wine to unwind. I know that I dont need it and I dont have to have it, but when there are no consequences from my husband, then why not just do it? ugh!!!! I hate this mind game. Anyways, I am going to lay off again for a day at a time and try to find some other form of support, including SR. I know that AA works for some people, I just dont think that its the right fit for me. Everyone have a fantastic day!! Thanks for listening~
I have been in the midst of a 3 week relapse and I hate it!!!!! I was reading some other posts on here and one statement that jumped out to me was: The worst single thing that can happen when you drink isnt a car accident, a dui or something bad, its Nothing. *thats not word for word, but you get the point. That is so true!!! When nothing happens, I feel like I have gotten away with it and feels like a victory!!! That is absolutely ridiculous. I recieved a phone call from a fellow aa'er last night and I poured my heart and soul out to her.I havent been to a meeting in almost 3 weeks. I told her that I really dont like the program and that I would never walk into those doors and pretend that I hadnt been drinking.... And I feel like now if I walked back in there, there would be so much sadness on peoples faces that I just dont want to deal with that. I also told her how I cant stand the drama. I also feel like going to 10 meetings a week isnt a reasonable expectation for the rest of my life.... cuz its not gonna happen. I havent been drinking to escape problems over the last 3 weeks. I have just had some drinks with people and it sneaks up so fast and then bam.... wasted.... I hate the hangovers, I hate the black outs and I hate the guilt.... I have created the guilt myself, because I know that I should not be drinking like that. It truely does sadden me. I hate that I just do it after work, in the privacy of my own home, after the kids are in bed. It just feels so adult. Like yes,I deserve a glass or 2 of wine to unwind. I know that I dont need it and I dont have to have it, but when there are no consequences from my husband, then why not just do it? ugh!!!! I hate this mind game. Anyways, I am going to lay off again for a day at a time and try to find some other form of support, including SR. I know that AA works for some people, I just dont think that its the right fit for me. Everyone have a fantastic day!! Thanks for listening~
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Please set aside what you think about AA and how you are not doing anything destructive....
What about your kids? what role model are you to them?
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased they were they had drinking parents.
The fact you are having blackouts is really serious IMO
What if the house caught on fire or a child woke up sick?
Would you be able to react normally? Whoo knows.
I did re start my sobreity ..went back to my AA homegroup to do so. Where
did you get the idea that 10 meetings weekly was required? That is simply not true.
If you do return to AA and I hope you will...this time begin working the Steps...because when I did that...I found solid recovery....
Please read this link...I found it interesting
http://chemcases.com/alcohol/alc-07.htm
If you are not going to do AA...there are other ways to live sober...do you have a plam?
.
What about your kids? what role model are you to them?
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased they were they had drinking parents.
The fact you are having blackouts is really serious IMO
What if the house caught on fire or a child woke up sick?
Would you be able to react normally? Whoo knows.
I did re start my sobreity ..went back to my AA homegroup to do so. Where
did you get the idea that 10 meetings weekly was required? That is simply not true.
If you do return to AA and I hope you will...this time begin working the Steps...because when I did that...I found solid recovery....
Please read this link...I found it interesting
http://chemcases.com/alcohol/alc-07.htm
If you are not going to do AA...there are other ways to live sober...do you have a plam?
.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
You should definitely do whatever you need to do to get and stay sober. AA works when you work it (cliched, but true), but there are other paths like SMART, Rational Recovery and therapy that you can explore. Hopefully one of those will work for you before the consequences of your drinking get worse. Good luck.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased they were they had drinking parents.-- I completely understand where you are coming from. I know that if I continue on a relapse, its going to get destructive and I cannot be a decent role model. This is a total mental thing with me, not physical. Thank the good lord above that I have not had any physical withdrawls.... I am trying to k eep the past in the past... when i start to think of all the foolish things i have done, while drinking, it saddens me and creates a huge anxiety that i just cant get out of my head. I dwell, forever and then have a hard time looking people in the eye. It affects my self esteem, like I feel that people will always define me as the drunk girl. When the truth is there is so much more to me!!! Tonight, I am going to drink tea instead of wine. It relaxes me, and when i awake tomorrow, i wont have a headache or guilt or shame or worry. I will have a smile on my face. I will be ok. I can do this. I am a determined person, its just that lately, I have been determined to pretend like I have control of this, not god. I am not god, but I have to remind myself everyday that he is in control and i surrender everything to him, if i can do that, I know that i can stay sober.
I apologize if what i said in my previous post offended anyone....
I apologize if what i said in my previous post offended anyone....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I was not at all upset....simply trying to make what I feel is a valid point about being a parent....
I'm so glad you agree.
As for AA....that is your call...many SR members are long term successfully sober without a structured program. Yes you can too..
Blessings to you and your family
I'm so glad you agree.
As for AA....that is your call...many SR members are long term successfully sober without a structured program. Yes you can too..
Blessings to you and your family
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by ontherightpath 
I also feel like going to 10 meetings a week isnt a reasonable expectation for the rest of my life.... cuz its not gonna happen.
Originally Posted by ontherightpath
I hate that I just do it after work, in the privacy of my own home, after the kids are in bed. It just feels so adult. Like yes,I deserve a glass or 2 of wine to unwind. I know that I dont need it and I dont have to have it, but when there are no consequences from my husband, then why not just do it?
BTW - the whole idea that you can just get drunk every night when your kids are in bed and protect the rest of your life from your dysfunction.... I told myself that crap too. It's ludicrous. Tempting to believe I know. But nonsensical.
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
Hello OTRP, I am very glad you are here, I am very glad you are anywhere; we could’ve lost you forever in those last three weeks.
I am not sure you have to hate the fact that you had a relapse; it is somewhat obvious that you were not ready.
Sometimes the desperation that caused us to depart from our life of desperation and seek recovery eludes us.
I have found that when I get that false sense of victory for getting away with something that I should not have done.
I have to look at, and evaluate the two components related to the event.
The first part is that I know I should not have done whatever the event was, in my heart of hearts that is easy to understand.
The second component of feeling a sense of victory for letting myself do something I should not do is somewhat baffling to me.
For me it is probably a survival instinct that I have used and developed from early on so that I could rationalize my behavior and continue to things that I wanted without being critical of myself.
Therefore, this false victory over my own better judgment has led to years of confusion and turmoil when it comes to my decision-making process.
As you said in your post, this is ridiculous, and I would add that this is one of the cunning aspects of our malady.
Where the real tragedy would be is if you never returned to the rooms, some of the sadness would come from the members of the fellowship who do not have you for their sobriety.
We are all just one, or two, or a few drinks away from a new emotional bottom that we may never return.
The strange thing about guilt, especially when we drink until we blackout, is that we have no idea of what we may have done this time to be guilty for.
I myself have done many dangerous and reckless things, but to my knowledge, I have never physically hurt anyone.
However, here is the rub; I do not know what I have done in a blackout.
There may have been instances when I have negatively affected people’s lives to the point where I would never be able to make adequate amends.
This is a part of my life that I have to leave to the grace of god.
One of the things that fortified my determination not to take a drink was my responsibility and my obligation to the ones that I love and the ones that depend on me.
It is not too difficult for me to imagine being passed out, or too drunk to drive, when an emergency may arise.
I have come to the realization that the awareness of my surroundings, my ability to live life on life’s terms, and the peace and serenity that I find in sobriety more than compensates for any emotional escape that I could find from taking one drink.
Wishing every one continuing progress in their journey towards sobriety and serenity, look
I am not sure you have to hate the fact that you had a relapse; it is somewhat obvious that you were not ready.
Sometimes the desperation that caused us to depart from our life of desperation and seek recovery eludes us.
I have found that when I get that false sense of victory for getting away with something that I should not have done.
I have to look at, and evaluate the two components related to the event.
The first part is that I know I should not have done whatever the event was, in my heart of hearts that is easy to understand.
The second component of feeling a sense of victory for letting myself do something I should not do is somewhat baffling to me.
For me it is probably a survival instinct that I have used and developed from early on so that I could rationalize my behavior and continue to things that I wanted without being critical of myself.
Therefore, this false victory over my own better judgment has led to years of confusion and turmoil when it comes to my decision-making process.
As you said in your post, this is ridiculous, and I would add that this is one of the cunning aspects of our malady.
Where the real tragedy would be is if you never returned to the rooms, some of the sadness would come from the members of the fellowship who do not have you for their sobriety.
We are all just one, or two, or a few drinks away from a new emotional bottom that we may never return.
The strange thing about guilt, especially when we drink until we blackout, is that we have no idea of what we may have done this time to be guilty for.
I myself have done many dangerous and reckless things, but to my knowledge, I have never physically hurt anyone.
However, here is the rub; I do not know what I have done in a blackout.
There may have been instances when I have negatively affected people’s lives to the point where I would never be able to make adequate amends.
This is a part of my life that I have to leave to the grace of god.
One of the things that fortified my determination not to take a drink was my responsibility and my obligation to the ones that I love and the ones that depend on me.
It is not too difficult for me to imagine being passed out, or too drunk to drive, when an emergency may arise.
I have come to the realization that the awareness of my surroundings, my ability to live life on life’s terms, and the peace and serenity that I find in sobriety more than compensates for any emotional escape that I could find from taking one drink.
Wishing every one continuing progress in their journey towards sobriety and serenity, look
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