I don't know what to do now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
I don't know what to do now
I must start to say that I am generally a happy person that lets things roll off my back. I'm not that way anymore. I take things very personally, especially when my SO drinks. I hate this about myself now. I've been with him for over 4 years now. I don't know where to go from here, so I'll probably be detailed with the story.
When we started dating, we both drank our hearts out every night. I was referred by a co worker to go to a local drinking study for women where I could tell them exactly what I had drank every day for a month prior because it would be all around celebrating certain events. They concluded that I drank 87 drinks a week. Seeing that number made me pretty much stop in my tracks, and I very rarely drink now. It's not a problem...but it has become a problem because my boyfriend still drinks in excess and it's made us grow apart.
About 10 months ago, I woke up at 5:00am to my SO making a bourbon drink - one of those 5 in one drinks. He was supposed to be at work in 3 hours. I didn't know what to do, and I started packing my things up frantically throwing them in my car. He sat down with me once I somewhat calmed down and he told me that he has a problem. That he needed me and him to work together to get through it. It worked for about 2 months when he called in "sick" and pretty much finished off a 1.75 litter of bourbon. I got his parents involved, and his work became involved.
He's been gradually getting a little better since. It's a not a daily worry that he may loose his job. He's stopped drinking the bourbon everyday. He completely stopped for about 2 months, but now he's drinking that on the weekends again. He's drinking a 12 pack pretty every night during the week.
His anger when he drinks bourbon has escalated...where 2 months ago, right before he stopped drinking bourbon, he motioned that he was going to strangle me, but it was like a light switch went off in his head when he was coming for me and immediately stopped. I told him that we needed to go to counseling for this. He stopped drinking the bourbon that weekend and we didn't go to counseling. He felt this solved the problem...but now he's drinking it again and is terribly angry when he does.
Because of my frustration with this set back and finding him drinking a few hours before work again, I feel we are back at square one. I don't know what else to do because he doesn't feel his drinking is a problem (he goes back and forth on this idea depending on his sobriety) and feels a new job will fix all the problems....just like his new house was supposed to fix it a year ago.
My thing is I'm fed up with the Jekyll and Hyde theme that has become his daily life. He's his sweet self at work (we work together, different departments), but before he walks in the door when he comes home, he has a drink in his hand. I never get to spend any time with the man that I fell in love with...just Mr. Hyde.
Finally my question...how do I help him and me in this situation? I know he has to come to conclusions on his own, but I'm involved with his life. Decisions he makes effects my life too. I'm thinking of giving him this website, but what other suggestions do you have?
Sorry for the long winded-ness. The weekends are especially frustrating to me, and I won't be this long winded in the future, hopefully
When we started dating, we both drank our hearts out every night. I was referred by a co worker to go to a local drinking study for women where I could tell them exactly what I had drank every day for a month prior because it would be all around celebrating certain events. They concluded that I drank 87 drinks a week. Seeing that number made me pretty much stop in my tracks, and I very rarely drink now. It's not a problem...but it has become a problem because my boyfriend still drinks in excess and it's made us grow apart.
About 10 months ago, I woke up at 5:00am to my SO making a bourbon drink - one of those 5 in one drinks. He was supposed to be at work in 3 hours. I didn't know what to do, and I started packing my things up frantically throwing them in my car. He sat down with me once I somewhat calmed down and he told me that he has a problem. That he needed me and him to work together to get through it. It worked for about 2 months when he called in "sick" and pretty much finished off a 1.75 litter of bourbon. I got his parents involved, and his work became involved.
He's been gradually getting a little better since. It's a not a daily worry that he may loose his job. He's stopped drinking the bourbon everyday. He completely stopped for about 2 months, but now he's drinking that on the weekends again. He's drinking a 12 pack pretty every night during the week.
His anger when he drinks bourbon has escalated...where 2 months ago, right before he stopped drinking bourbon, he motioned that he was going to strangle me, but it was like a light switch went off in his head when he was coming for me and immediately stopped. I told him that we needed to go to counseling for this. He stopped drinking the bourbon that weekend and we didn't go to counseling. He felt this solved the problem...but now he's drinking it again and is terribly angry when he does.
Because of my frustration with this set back and finding him drinking a few hours before work again, I feel we are back at square one. I don't know what else to do because he doesn't feel his drinking is a problem (he goes back and forth on this idea depending on his sobriety) and feels a new job will fix all the problems....just like his new house was supposed to fix it a year ago.
My thing is I'm fed up with the Jekyll and Hyde theme that has become his daily life. He's his sweet self at work (we work together, different departments), but before he walks in the door when he comes home, he has a drink in his hand. I never get to spend any time with the man that I fell in love with...just Mr. Hyde.
Finally my question...how do I help him and me in this situation? I know he has to come to conclusions on his own, but I'm involved with his life. Decisions he makes effects my life too. I'm thinking of giving him this website, but what other suggestions do you have?
Sorry for the long winded-ness. The weekends are especially frustrating to me, and I won't be this long winded in the future, hopefully
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Welcome!
Try focusing on you. He has to save himself. You can attend al anon meetings. Learn to set boundares, keep them, learn you didn't cause him to drink, can't change nor cure him. There's books on codependency. Please take care of you. He's a grown up.
There's a Friends & Family Forum here.
Blessings,
Try focusing on you. He has to save himself. You can attend al anon meetings. Learn to set boundares, keep them, learn you didn't cause him to drink, can't change nor cure him. There's books on codependency. Please take care of you. He's a grown up.
There's a Friends & Family Forum here.
Blessings,
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Unless he wants to get well for himself, all the outside motivation in the world won't help. If it were me I'd leave him. He's got to find his own 'bottom' before he'll think about quitting. I'd get away from him, especially since his anger has become violent. Take care of yourself in an environment that is safe, which he is not.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
I'm at that point, and I realize that I have to leave for myself. But I think of how guilty I would feel if anything should happen. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I care for him too much I guess. His family is out of town and every time they talk to me they say they are grateful for me being there to make sure he's fine. But I'm not fine anymore, so I can't "help" him anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I'm thinking of giving him this website, but what other suggestions do you have?
There is plenty of information out there for him and it's pretty easy for him to find, if he wants to.
Maybe it might be nice to keep this Site for you, so you can vent, or ask questions, or say whatever you wish, without the concern that he may read it. Keep this Site for you, for the support you need.
And consider Alanon for face to face support.
Take care, keep safe.
There is plenty of information out there for him and it's pretty easy for him to find, if he wants to.
Maybe it might be nice to keep this Site for you, so you can vent, or ask questions, or say whatever you wish, without the concern that he may read it. Keep this Site for you, for the support you need.
And consider Alanon for face to face support.
Take care, keep safe.
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