Drunk after 3+ years of abstinence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Drunk after 3+ years of abstinence
Last Saturday I secretly drank at a party. By secretly, I mean my partner didn't know and I really didn't know anyone at the block party well so...
I got wasted, but since I was trying to hide it, I just sat around so I wouldn't be stumbling or anything. My partner and I were smoking weed at a neighbors (he doesn't drink but does smoke weed). I started feeling like I was going to vomit so I went home and passed out. I still don't think that he knows that I drank. I am sure I must have smelled of alcohol but his sense of smell is not good.
I have known for a long time that I was planning to drink yet I did nothing to take any steps for it to not happen. Didn't go to AA which for years I have thought I have needed to go but just haven't gone for one excuse or another. We have been under a lot of stress and I have acting out my anxiety in other ways (such as skin picking to the point of scarring my face permanently which I have never done before)> I knew I was teetering on the edge but I didn't care. Oh...and I started smoking about a month ago after 3 years quit.
I feel both horrified and blase' about the whole thing, if that makes any sense. since no one really knows about the drinking, I think I am pretending like it didn't happen. Typical alcoholic behavior. The smoking, I just don't care, I want to smoke. I guess I am depressed.
The worst part of it all is that I have 2 year old daughter who means the world to me and I have been smoking cigarettes in front of her. I never thought I would be this person and yet, here I am.
I came here today because, as if a sign from God, the day after I drank I checked my email and it said that someone from soberrecovery had replied to a previous thread. It was like I was being told to come here and post and work this **** out. I need help. I have literally gotten on my knees and begged God to help me get to the core of my addiction issues but I guess, weakly, I just wait for someone or something to pick me up and take these problems away when I know deep down I have to confront them myself.
I have been lying and hiding things for so long I don't even know where to begin. I thought that it meant something to stay away from alcohol for 3 years but without putting in any hard work to do so, here i am, back to square one.
I am seeing a psychiatrist for the disgusting skin picking thing which was my real wake up call that a trip down to drunkville was not far off. when I began doing it (scarring), I thought in some way I must be announcing to the world "see, you think I am so normal inside but this is how messed up I am." I have literally worn a band-aid on my face since March. I often cannot believe how long its been going on.
Being drunk was horrible and being hungover was just horrifying. I can't believe that I used to live my life feeling that way each and every day. And yet yesterday, I had another drink at my alcoholic neighbors house, again my partner not knowing. I stopped myself before I went past one but I know in my heart I would have gotten wasted had I not been trying to hide it from my daughter and partner.
I have asked my friend to take me to AA and she says she will. I am ready to work the program for the first time in my life. Nothing else is working so why not at least try? Being sober (and even during my 3 years of not drinking I still occasionally smoked weed) was not enough. I know people have success going it alone but I have learned over the last 3 years, I am not one of those people. My life is a wreck, we are poor and I am depressed as ever, I feel like we are going nowhere and it has finally come to head.
Help. Creator or whomever you are please help me to help myself. Let yesterday be the last day I drank. Today is day 1. Here I am at day 1 all over again.
I got wasted, but since I was trying to hide it, I just sat around so I wouldn't be stumbling or anything. My partner and I were smoking weed at a neighbors (he doesn't drink but does smoke weed). I started feeling like I was going to vomit so I went home and passed out. I still don't think that he knows that I drank. I am sure I must have smelled of alcohol but his sense of smell is not good.
I have known for a long time that I was planning to drink yet I did nothing to take any steps for it to not happen. Didn't go to AA which for years I have thought I have needed to go but just haven't gone for one excuse or another. We have been under a lot of stress and I have acting out my anxiety in other ways (such as skin picking to the point of scarring my face permanently which I have never done before)> I knew I was teetering on the edge but I didn't care. Oh...and I started smoking about a month ago after 3 years quit.
I feel both horrified and blase' about the whole thing, if that makes any sense. since no one really knows about the drinking, I think I am pretending like it didn't happen. Typical alcoholic behavior. The smoking, I just don't care, I want to smoke. I guess I am depressed.
The worst part of it all is that I have 2 year old daughter who means the world to me and I have been smoking cigarettes in front of her. I never thought I would be this person and yet, here I am.
I came here today because, as if a sign from God, the day after I drank I checked my email and it said that someone from soberrecovery had replied to a previous thread. It was like I was being told to come here and post and work this **** out. I need help. I have literally gotten on my knees and begged God to help me get to the core of my addiction issues but I guess, weakly, I just wait for someone or something to pick me up and take these problems away when I know deep down I have to confront them myself.
I have been lying and hiding things for so long I don't even know where to begin. I thought that it meant something to stay away from alcohol for 3 years but without putting in any hard work to do so, here i am, back to square one.
I am seeing a psychiatrist for the disgusting skin picking thing which was my real wake up call that a trip down to drunkville was not far off. when I began doing it (scarring), I thought in some way I must be announcing to the world "see, you think I am so normal inside but this is how messed up I am." I have literally worn a band-aid on my face since March. I often cannot believe how long its been going on.
Being drunk was horrible and being hungover was just horrifying. I can't believe that I used to live my life feeling that way each and every day. And yet yesterday, I had another drink at my alcoholic neighbors house, again my partner not knowing. I stopped myself before I went past one but I know in my heart I would have gotten wasted had I not been trying to hide it from my daughter and partner.
I have asked my friend to take me to AA and she says she will. I am ready to work the program for the first time in my life. Nothing else is working so why not at least try? Being sober (and even during my 3 years of not drinking I still occasionally smoked weed) was not enough. I know people have success going it alone but I have learned over the last 3 years, I am not one of those people. My life is a wreck, we are poor and I am depressed as ever, I feel like we are going nowhere and it has finally come to head.
Help. Creator or whomever you are please help me to help myself. Let yesterday be the last day I drank. Today is day 1. Here I am at day 1 all over again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi and Welcome!
I'm glad that you recognize there is much more to recovery than stopping drinking/using drugs. There are so many underlying issues to confront and deal with, and as you said, no one is going to do it for you. That's the really tough part.
I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist. Have you talked to him about your depression?
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
I'm glad that you recognize there is much more to recovery than stopping drinking/using drugs. There are so many underlying issues to confront and deal with, and as you said, no one is going to do it for you. That's the really tough part.
I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist. Have you talked to him about your depression?
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Welcome back to SR. 
Sounds like you know what you want to do, now you need to make a plan for getting there and staying sober. You can do this with help and I am glad to hear you are getting some from the psychiatrist.
Both you and your daughter deserve a happy sober you.
You will find a load of support and inspiration here, so keep coming back reading and posting, and let us knnow how you are going.
Sounds like you know what you want to do, now you need to make a plan for getting there and staying sober. You can do this with help and I am glad to hear you are getting some from the psychiatrist.
Both you and your daughter deserve a happy sober you.
You will find a load of support and inspiration here, so keep coming back reading and posting, and let us knnow how you are going.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
gardner - I hope you feel better after opening up like that. Maybe it takes the sting out of it a little, to know you have people to talk to who've been where you have. I had no one in my life to confide in, so finding SR was a miracle for me. I never knew there were so many people fighting the same battle.
Be proud of yourself for not allowing your slip to turn into a binge. I had 3 yrs. sober once and decided it would be ok to have a few glasses of wine. Off I went for 7 yrs. of hell. This won't happen to you! You're seeing a psychiatrist & going to AA - you're doing all you can to turn things around for you and your daughter. That's the good news! Please keep talking to us.
Be proud of yourself for not allowing your slip to turn into a binge. I had 3 yrs. sober once and decided it would be ok to have a few glasses of wine. Off I went for 7 yrs. of hell. This won't happen to you! You're seeing a psychiatrist & going to AA - you're doing all you can to turn things around for you and your daughter. That's the good news! Please keep talking to us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 226
Welcome. Glad you have pulled yourself back up and are ready to try again without letting your relapse continue any further.
Keep your head up. One time in ~1000 days is much better than alot of us and you must have learned alot in those three years. Get to the phyciatrist for that depression too.
Keep your head up. One time in ~1000 days is much better than alot of us and you must have learned alot in those three years. Get to the phyciatrist for that depression too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Welcome back Gardner! And may I say how blown away I am by your honest and brave post, that took a lot of courage. I hope Nd pray you Bettye help and support you need to get back on track. I hope we can help you withhold journey.
Also, don't discount 3 yeArs sober...thAT is awesome!
Also, don't discount 3 yeArs sober...thAT is awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: NYC
Posts: 35
Gardner, thanks for your post. Today I have 102 days sober. About two years ago I went back out after 6 months clean, I was out for a year and a half. My relapse was hell & was a lot worse than the first time around. Every day that I chose to drink I couldn't figure out why I had picked up or why I couldn't stop again, something in the back of my mind was always telling me that I needed people too. For whatever reason I was too proud to go back into the rooms of AA or to reach out to people who really cared for me. It took a near-death experience to humble me, bring me back to my senses, & bring me back around the rooms. By attending meetings again, I found out that I wasn't so unique, that I'm not the only one who'd ever relapsed, & that I need people's help in AA just as much as they need my help. Life these last 120 days has improved for me immensely &, I think, you are making the right call. Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
HiGardner...welcome and i just want you to know, I have had the horrified and blase feeling at the same time too.
think of your daughter and your current relationship, your life and what are doing to jeopardize it. You do NOT want to go backthere....and I say this s much for me as I do for you.
thanks for posting.
think of your daughter and your current relationship, your life and what are doing to jeopardize it. You do NOT want to go backthere....and I say this s much for me as I do for you.
thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Welcome back Gardner,
Thankyou for your post, I really appreciate it when people post about the good and the bad of getting sober and talk about the relapses it is a reminder to me to stay sober I need to do the work.
As one of the other posters said, the underlying issues need to be addressed.
The self-mutilation, not sure what to say there and it is not my place to say anyway.
Good on you for your honest post, getting back on the forum, and going to meetings.
Give your all to your recovery and you will get better, no doubt.
CaiHong
Thankyou for your post, I really appreciate it when people post about the good and the bad of getting sober and talk about the relapses it is a reminder to me to stay sober I need to do the work.
As one of the other posters said, the underlying issues need to be addressed.
The self-mutilation, not sure what to say there and it is not my place to say anyway.
Good on you for your honest post, getting back on the forum, and going to meetings.
Give your all to your recovery and you will get better, no doubt.
CaiHong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Thanks to all who have replied. I am sorry to say that it feels almost that things have gotten worse. I got in a horrible fight with my partner (not related to the drinking) and I sprained my ankle. I got vicodin for the pain from my doctor even though I know Ibuprofen would have been enough to handle the pain. I am slipping deeper into self destruction. We had friends over for dinner and the shame of always wearing this band-aid ate away at me all night so I avoided everyone by spending the whole night smoking cigarettes on the porch. I am really depressed. So tired but I don't want to fall asleep because I am worrying about sprained ankle ridiculously thinking that I am at risk for thrombosis, sitting here at past midnight panicking.
I haven't made it to the aa yet. I think, well, I am still taking this vicodin which was only for 20 pills and soon it will be gone and then I will start all this.
Someone mentioned being completely honest with my psychiatrist and it made me reflect that I don't think I've been completely honest with anyone my whole life. In childhood I started lying out of shame of my parents fighting and drug abuse. It has been a habit for years. I don't tell anyone the depths of my addiction issues.
Please someone tell me that it will be okay and I will find my way out of this. I need to hear that. I feel so down. I haven't drank again but what difference does it make as I am on the vicodin.
Please God help me find my way. Will I ever find my way? Please let me find my way to an aa meeting this week.
I haven't made it to the aa yet. I think, well, I am still taking this vicodin which was only for 20 pills and soon it will be gone and then I will start all this.
Someone mentioned being completely honest with my psychiatrist and it made me reflect that I don't think I've been completely honest with anyone my whole life. In childhood I started lying out of shame of my parents fighting and drug abuse. It has been a habit for years. I don't tell anyone the depths of my addiction issues.
Please someone tell me that it will be okay and I will find my way out of this. I need to hear that. I feel so down. I haven't drank again but what difference does it make as I am on the vicodin.
Please God help me find my way. Will I ever find my way? Please let me find my way to an aa meeting this week.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
It will be okay, and you will find your way out of this. You know what to do. I don't want to sound harsh but this self-pity isn't going to help you any. You messed up. Own it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and move on to what's going to get you better. You can do this!
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Gardner -
You had 3+ years before and you can do it again.
As Dee said, it starts now -- with the first minute, then hour, then day.
Get rid of the Vicodin, try to stop smoking weed, and instead, go do something that you used to find fun, even if it doesn't sound fun at first. (Sorry about your ankle).
For me, I found that complete honesty was required to stay on track. I'm not perfect, but I clean up my mistakes as quickly as I can.
Putting it into perspective, you drank one day out of the last 1,000 days. It isn't a big deal, unless you give up.
Please don't. We are all here for you. Go to a meeting, talk to another alcoholic, chat or post on SR.
Don't pity yourself. Alcohol is quite a foe. You can do this.
You had 3+ years before and you can do it again.
As Dee said, it starts now -- with the first minute, then hour, then day.
Get rid of the Vicodin, try to stop smoking weed, and instead, go do something that you used to find fun, even if it doesn't sound fun at first. (Sorry about your ankle).
For me, I found that complete honesty was required to stay on track. I'm not perfect, but I clean up my mistakes as quickly as I can.
Putting it into perspective, you drank one day out of the last 1,000 days. It isn't a big deal, unless you give up.
Please don't. We are all here for you. Go to a meeting, talk to another alcoholic, chat or post on SR.
Don't pity yourself. Alcohol is quite a foe. You can do this.
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