lbern

Has this happened to any of you? All of my friends drink, some more than others, but I think I only have like 2 sober friends. Anyways, I haven't really told them all that I'm in AA and working on my sobriety. Personally, I want to wait til I hit at least 30 days. So, when offered drinks or weed, I've just been politely turning it down saying I'm taking a little break from it, or I don't feel like drinking today. It's worked pretty well up until last night.

I went to the baseball game with 2 of my friends. One was at work, the other wanted me to meet up and pregame with him. Two weeks ago, this would have been a perfect idea and I would have been all about it...so I can't blame him for assuming I'd be down to grab some drinks. Anyways, I tell him I'm in the middle of laundry and cleaning my apt. and that I'd meet him at the ballpark.

So I buy myself some time and chill at home for a bit, then hop on the bus to the game. I'm on the bus and get a text, he's like I'm at such and such restaurant/bar...hurry up! I already ordered you a beer. And so now I'm panicking. I texted a few people from my AA meetings asking what I should do. Luckily, the bus took forever and by the time I got there he had already drank half of the beer he had ordered for me. He offers me the rest of it and I'm just like, no I'm not drinking and he pretty much laughs at me, like are you kidding? I was like, yeah I'm taking a little break, I don't really feel like it today.

Fast forward to meeting up with my other friend and going into the baseball game. First move, they go and buy beers, she asks if I want one and I say no. But they end up getting 3 anyways and hand one to me. At that moment I felt like throwing up. I had this beer in my hand, spilling all over my hand...and my inclination was to take a sip of it so it would stop spilling. But, I didn't. Thank God. We get to the seats, they drink their beers...I'm still not drinking. Then my friend pulls out a bottle of whiskey...passes it to me and again I say no. He says to my other friend...will you talk some sense into this girl? I don't know why she's being so lame tonight. And that kinda hurt. I know he didn't mean it to be hurtful...but he also doesn't know what I'm dealing with here.

Well, sorry that got really long...I just needed to get that out. Thanks.

Mark75

Tell them you aren't drinking. If they hurt your feelings, tell them so.

They need know no more than that.

Cerberus

My first instinct was to tell them to go f*** themselves but I realize that is juvenile at best too. Thinking about it, I know that when we stop and our friends don't it makes them very uncomfortable. It makes them look at their own patterns and they so don't want you to leave the drinking fold. I would tell them that look, you are trying to make a change, that they hurt your feelings with their thoughtless remarks and that you need their support. If they are true friends they will understand and if not, maybe they are only soon to be former drinking buddies

PaperDolls

Even though they may be great friends and people, I would consider not hanging out with them for a while. For your sanity .... and sobriety. Just a thought.

I would not have made it had I put myself in situations like that early in sobriety. No way.

wheresthefun

Probably easier for me, due to age (51) but I'd just say, "I'm not drinking", and if they pushed the issue, I'd ask them, "what part of I'm not drinking do you NOT understand"? Again, probably an age thing, but if you can't give me a concrete, tangible reason why my actions or non actions are causing you harm in some way - F ya!

Live and let live, they want to drink, but you're not asking them to not drink, how dare they ask you to drink if you don't want to?

wheresthefun

Oh yeah, and if you don't want to hang out with me because I am choosing not to drink - smell ya later!

bennybored

Hey Ibern,
that sounds like so many of previous attempts to quit. Im a musician - and almost every musician I know drinks. Plus I either get a rider of booze or free drinks from the venue - so everyone is drinking. Funny enough though is that the musicians don't bother me as much when I said Im not drinking-maybe because they are more in tune with their own problems so they understand. I also work at my friends pub part time when Im not gigging that much - my co-workers at the bar, who are also great friends, are relentless. They constantly push drinks on me and don't listen when I say Im not drinking. They always say just have one with us after our shift, you can handle just one. I have told them I can't and they still push! After so many relapses due to this situation and my lacking will power I am finally seeing the truth of these friends and what this situation does to me. Like Cerberus said, it makes them look at their own problems which they don't want to do. I feel like it makes them feel better to see me drink and then drink, drink, drink, while then they stop and go home and feel better knowing they don't have a problem like me. This may sound harsh but its how I feel now looking at this situation and Im tired of being the scapegoat. So now after work I just leave because I make sure I have something to do. They have invited me to a cottage which ironically will be my one month anniversary if I make it. I haven't mentioned to them this time that Im quitting cuz I don't want to deal with their remarks but as I get stronger I hope I get to turn down the offer because I want to pick up my one month chip! Ok now I am going on too long - the short of it is - you are you and you are now being the best you you can be - dont let anyone affect that, theyre not worth it!

doggonecarl

Tell them for a couple reasons: 1) For their support. Hopefully, once they know, they will quit foisting alcohol on you. 2) So you can be accountable for your recovery. You not telling them, and them trying to get you to drink, is leaving the door open for relapse.

Or get new friends.

PaleMale

And you think you are the only one with a drink problem? Sounds like your friends are pretty lush... You're not drinking may help them realize that they live to drink? Why waste the money on the ballgame, when it can be watched from a bar?

I am coming to that moment myself soon. So far saying "No, thanks." has worked just fine. I may use "I can't because I'm allergic" in future. Once someone got pushy with me, and I said "I'm alcoholic. And YOU drink me under the table!" The subject was dropped quickly.

sugarbear1

Drinking buddies. Real friends support you.

So many people think they have friends and they are acquaintances. Partners in crime. My drinking or partying friends are supporting my decision and respect me for making my decision.

nandm

When I quit drinking I had a similar experience and took a hard look at the people I had drank with. What I realized is that their drinking patterns were much like mine at the end of my drinking. I had surrounded myself with people who drank like me so I would not have a reason to think I had a problem. What I learned was that when I stopped drinking it caused people to look at their own drinking patterns which scared them causing them to make fun of me and give me a hard time about quitting.

Over time I lost all my friends I had when drinking but I found as my sobriety progressed I made new friends that did not base their friendship on whether I drank or not but the person I am. I have a lot of acquaintances in my life but I have found some really good friends I would trust with anything.

lbern

I was really resentful of this and let it weigh on me today. I tried to get ahold of my sponsor last night...didn't work. Again this morning after my meeting when I left the meeting in tears...still no answer. I'm getting a bit fed up with that. I might think about getting a new sponsor.

I'm gonna go meet up with a bunch of friends at a book release party tonight. I think it'll be much less pressure to drink there than it was at the game. I don't want to have to be a hermit because I'm afraid of social situations.

Suresh

Its hard, I know, but all this (at least for me) is a test to show who your real friends are. I've been in this situation already 2 times since i sobered up, and in both, i realised that they were friends with agendas. Not real friends. Take this as a lesson and you'd feel much better.

I think, people who can relate much much more to this is people who have taken drugs. I know I have had my (BIG) fair share when i was on weed previously.

eJoshua

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy you didn't drink! On the other hand, I don't think I would have made it through that if I were put in that situation.

Hate to say it, but you may need to look at finding new people to hang with if that's going to be a common occurrence. If you think your friends would respect your decision not to drink then maybe you should just tell them that.

If they wouldn't respect that, then they are the kind of people that you will probably end up growing tired of rather quickly in your sobriety.

Dee74

I told everyone when I quit - I wouldn't do it that way now but when I quit I envisaged I'd be with my 'bros' for life....

Very soon I found out they were drinking buddies, not real friends.

I agree with Mark - tell them you're not drinking and if they respond by being juvenile, insulting, pushy or whatever - tell them so.

I don't know how old you are lbern but I decided at 39 that anyone who teased me or otherwise gave me a hard time for not drinking? I didn't need them in my life.

I was right too

D

mhealer3

i understand why she went out 4 fun w her 'old' friends though...just because
it's awful hard 2 think about having zero friends all-of-a -sudden,
even though the friends r bad influence on her. i think she was just testing the water.
it may be 2 much for some folks 2 face all at once: being newly sober & newly friendless @ the same time--(kind of a daunting combo for anyone, in my opinion).
really, if this gal had to give up fun--just 2 give up booze, it looks like a dim choice.
therefore urgent need for new support system for this gal, so she can remain connected to people--those who will support her non drinking choice--& offset the bad influences that r bound 2 come along here & there.
i know how it feels 2 have no friends suddenly, all due 2 wanting to stay sober/straight.
i lost my family & friends & job & home over my choice. rather not c that happen 2 u.
alone in new york............m

Threshold

I have a tendency to avoid confrontation, it was one of the major factors in my addiction/using. In my recovery I am learning that confrontation does not equal conflict. There is such a thing as good, positive confrontation. If I want people to respect me and my boundaries, it helps to make those clear. I don't have to wear a shirt that reads "I'm an Alcoholic, please keep booze away" but I have found that when I was straight with my friends none of them made fun of me, they, almost universally respected that I had a substance abuse issue and that I had quit, period, paragraph, end.

There were a few that dropped away, because using was what we did together, and there just wasn't much else we had in common. But mostly, my same friends are my same friends, and they like me just as much, heck, most of them like me better sober.

If I want my sobriety respected, I need to be up front about it to the people I spend time with.