Introducing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Rwanda
Posts: 3
Introducing myself
Hello-
I joined this forum today because I've recently relapsed after 23 months without drinking. I almost wrote "sober" but the truth is after about 16 months with alcohol or drugs, I started taking xanax or ambien from time to time for fun. Almost immediately those pills started to become a problem, but I was held in check by somewhat limited access (not as easy as going to the liquor store, but I guess not that hard either). Last Saturday, I'd taken some xanax before going to a party, but was still feeling uneasy and wanted the drunk and carefree me back. So I drank, just like that. The resulting guilt was overwhelming. I made it 3 days without drinking again, but didn't sleep on Tuesday night so Wednesday was miserable. When I was sober, I understood that the day after a sleepless night isn't so bad, but this time I made it into a catastrophe. So Wednesday afternoon I started drinking because I was desperate for some form of relief, and didn't really stop until Friday early evening when some friends intervened.
Drinking didn't feel that good. Not like it used to. Kind of feels like poison and left me sick in my stomach. But I kept thinking I just need to drink more, and then I'll feel good. But it didn't really turn out that way. I suppose I enjoyed being naughty - breaking all my rules, and the sort of escape from regular life, enough to keep it up from wed - friday. Pills feel really good but they have led me back to alcohol, and I'm recognizing that for a while I was sort of living a lie of being a sober person, cause the pills kind of accomplished the same thing as alcohol: Relaxation, an escape from my mind and its thoughts, a way to be improved in social situations, a chance at sleep, even a way to work when I didn't feel like working.
The last time I got sober I had a ton of help. I went to individual therapy and an amazing group therapy, so I had 2 nights a week focused on recovery. Now I live abroad, in Africa, and the same resources are not available. I did see that there is an AA meeting on Tuesdays, which I'm thinking will be conducted in English because it's held at a restaurant frequented by white people. So AA was not my thing - I went to 3 meetings in the U.S. early on in my recovery but didn't really like it - but I'm excited to give it another shot. I really miss being able to talk about this stuff with a community that understands, which is why I'm writing now and reading a bunch of posts.
I'm grateful this forum exists and that I can connect with you folks, even if it's virtual. I've been amazed by people's insights, eloquence, honesty and all that. I've read a few things that I related to so intimately that I wished the person was right in front of me, so I could tell them everything's gonna be alright, and they could tell me the same.
Maybe that's enough for my first post. I'm happy you guys are out there somewhere.
john
I joined this forum today because I've recently relapsed after 23 months without drinking. I almost wrote "sober" but the truth is after about 16 months with alcohol or drugs, I started taking xanax or ambien from time to time for fun. Almost immediately those pills started to become a problem, but I was held in check by somewhat limited access (not as easy as going to the liquor store, but I guess not that hard either). Last Saturday, I'd taken some xanax before going to a party, but was still feeling uneasy and wanted the drunk and carefree me back. So I drank, just like that. The resulting guilt was overwhelming. I made it 3 days without drinking again, but didn't sleep on Tuesday night so Wednesday was miserable. When I was sober, I understood that the day after a sleepless night isn't so bad, but this time I made it into a catastrophe. So Wednesday afternoon I started drinking because I was desperate for some form of relief, and didn't really stop until Friday early evening when some friends intervened.
Drinking didn't feel that good. Not like it used to. Kind of feels like poison and left me sick in my stomach. But I kept thinking I just need to drink more, and then I'll feel good. But it didn't really turn out that way. I suppose I enjoyed being naughty - breaking all my rules, and the sort of escape from regular life, enough to keep it up from wed - friday. Pills feel really good but they have led me back to alcohol, and I'm recognizing that for a while I was sort of living a lie of being a sober person, cause the pills kind of accomplished the same thing as alcohol: Relaxation, an escape from my mind and its thoughts, a way to be improved in social situations, a chance at sleep, even a way to work when I didn't feel like working.
The last time I got sober I had a ton of help. I went to individual therapy and an amazing group therapy, so I had 2 nights a week focused on recovery. Now I live abroad, in Africa, and the same resources are not available. I did see that there is an AA meeting on Tuesdays, which I'm thinking will be conducted in English because it's held at a restaurant frequented by white people. So AA was not my thing - I went to 3 meetings in the U.S. early on in my recovery but didn't really like it - but I'm excited to give it another shot. I really miss being able to talk about this stuff with a community that understands, which is why I'm writing now and reading a bunch of posts.
I'm grateful this forum exists and that I can connect with you folks, even if it's virtual. I've been amazed by people's insights, eloquence, honesty and all that. I've read a few things that I related to so intimately that I wished the person was right in front of me, so I could tell them everything's gonna be alright, and they could tell me the same.
Maybe that's enough for my first post. I'm happy you guys are out there somewhere.
john
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Welcome to SR. I appreciate hearing your honesty, about your relapse with alcohol and the way you used pills. I understand that perfectly.
I hope this forum will give you the outlet you need. There are many kind and patient people here--and people who know what they're talking about!
I hope this forum will give you the outlet you need. There are many kind and patient people here--and people who know what they're talking about!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Welcome back. Sounds like not a lot of f2f support out there but take what you can get and SR is a great omline support, it helps me help myself a great deal. I took xanax off and on, some people call it booze in a pill, not good. Hoping my best for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: finding a home
Posts: 109
Hi John, I also struggle with relapse......But I've never made it as far as you.....23 months, wow...my longest has been 3 months....Today will be my 9th day.
Don't give up, keep trying.......................We are winners!
Don't give up, keep trying.......................We are winners!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
It happens to people with decades of sobriety. I'm happy you're here because we can all learn from you and hopefully you will get the support you really need so that this doesn't progress to something life threatening. Do you go to AA? You need support right now. Hugs!!!!!
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome John!
Maybe this is just the kind of wake up call you needed to pull you out of your abuse of pills? Maybe I'm looking at it too optimistically, but the way I see it maybe you should feel lucky that you got a wake up call before losing decades to them.
Best of luck to you in your recovery!
Maybe this is just the kind of wake up call you needed to pull you out of your abuse of pills? Maybe I'm looking at it too optimistically, but the way I see it maybe you should feel lucky that you got a wake up call before losing decades to them.
Best of luck to you in your recovery!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Rwink 
I started taking xanax or ambien from time to time for fun. Almost immediately those pills started to become a problem, but I was held in check by somewhat limited access (not as easy as going to the liquor store, but I guess not that hard either).
Careful with those pills. Xanax, like all other benzodiazepines, is cross tolerant with alcohol, and ambien is a Z Drug hypnotic which works on the same receptors. From a "recreational" (ie, getting high) standpoint, you should probably avoid all sedative-hypnotics.
This is a great place - it's been a life-saver for me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Rwanda
Posts: 3
I really appreciate the warm welcome and words of encouragement. At moments like this, I hate being an alcoholic and addict, because it's made me feel miserable. But I love everyone else who is more than any kind of person in the world. And I'm hopeful I'll get back to the place where I'm proud of my history and identity. Having suffered like this will have some positive outcome, for all of us.
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