Truly in need or addicted to termoil?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
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Truly in need or addicted to termoil?
I have come to believe that with some people, no matter what is available to them, no matter what advice is given, no matter what help is given, they truly do not want to get better. They thrive on the termoil in there life. If there is nothing going on, they create it. They want to be the martyr. No one loves me. Everyone in my life has hurt me. Live is unfair. I will never be normal. It's not my fault. I was abused. I was mistreated. You don't understand how bad my life was. Placing blame on their parents, husbands, wives, friends, cops, teachers etc. Always an excuse as to why they cannot accomplish getting their life together. I have a sister like that. Although she has now been sober for a year, she cannot go 5 minutes without being totally negative, blaming everyone else for her problems. When offered a real solution and sometimes financial support, there is always a reason why her life is destined to be horrible. Our conversations for the last 15 years consists of 5 minutes of me telling her how things are going, 45 minutes to 2 hours of how bad her life is. It is frustrating. I have always been there for her but I am beginning to get so stressed out by our conversations. When does one start becoming selfish and say "enough". I can't help you anymore. You need to find peace and happiness and you are draining me emotionally? I have my down days. But I find something positive every day of my life. I have taught my girls that. My sobriety is too fragile right now to deal with her daily tragedies. She really doesn't want help. She wants to be the victim for the rest of her life.
Wow, thank you for saying this. I'm dealing with someone in my life right now who is addicted to blaming just as you described but was beating myself up & feeling like I wasn't compassionate for being totally mentally exhausted from dealing with this person. Fortunately she isn't a family member & perhaps I need to wash my hands of her for my health. I agree with your points.
Some people love their despair. Addicts in particular, I believe.
No, your sister probably doesn't want your help. I discovered long ago that people, even when they appear to be asking for help or advice, are really just asking us to listen.
No, your sister probably doesn't want your help. I discovered long ago that people, even when they appear to be asking for help or advice, are really just asking us to listen.
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lpangel
I learned an awful lot of how I reacted to people like this as I started Al-Anon. It has helped me immensely in learning loving detachment with people.
For me it has helped not just working on me and the relationships in my life with loved ones that are living with addiction, but many other areas of my life.
I learned an awful lot of how I reacted to people like this as I started Al-Anon. It has helped me immensely in learning loving detachment with people.
For me it has helped not just working on me and the relationships in my life with loved ones that are living with addiction, but many other areas of my life.
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MsJax, It may be time for you to do that. I can't just walk away from my sister though. I often wonder if they are like that because us co-dependent people allow them to be that way. If more people said no, I can't help you, maybe they would be forced to truly help themselves. But then again, I hate the idea of my sister not having someone to be there for her. Double edge sword I guess. I wish I wasn't so compassionate.
I know it's difficult, LPN, and I don't want to come off as flippant. But, consider there is another word to describe someone who "cares" so much they are willing to put him/herself at significant physical risk, and that word isn't "compassionate".
Sobriety is your greatest treasure. Without it you have nothing, least of which the ability to practice compassion.
Sobriety is your greatest treasure. Without it you have nothing, least of which the ability to practice compassion.
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I know it's difficult, LPN, and I don't want to come off as flippant. But, consider there is another word to describe someone who "cares" so much they are willing to put him/herself at significant physical risk, and that word isn't "compassionate".
Sobriety is your greatest treasure. Without it you have nothing, least of which the ability to practice compassion.
Sobriety is your greatest treasure. Without it you have nothing, least of which the ability to practice compassion.
I believe everyone has their own journey and they recover at their own pace not at how others want or expect them to.
I played the blame game for years too and even in sobriety till I worked the steps and found out the problem was me and how I reacted to others.
I blamed being adopted, being picked on in school you name it I was the lone victim.
When I started to grow up and grow in recovery I took responsibility but that is not saying that I can sometimes still fall into it.
Its kind of ironic, that when we are blaming others for their blaming ways, how is that any different from what they are doing?
In the Big Book it talks about the alcoholic being sick and we should feel compassion for them not anger. I think that is easier said than done.
Anyway just a few thoughts I had when I was reading all the comments take what you need and leave the rest.
I played the blame game for years too and even in sobriety till I worked the steps and found out the problem was me and how I reacted to others.
I blamed being adopted, being picked on in school you name it I was the lone victim.
When I started to grow up and grow in recovery I took responsibility but that is not saying that I can sometimes still fall into it.
Its kind of ironic, that when we are blaming others for their blaming ways, how is that any different from what they are doing?
In the Big Book it talks about the alcoholic being sick and we should feel compassion for them not anger. I think that is easier said than done.
Anyway just a few thoughts I had when I was reading all the comments take what you need and leave the rest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
I believe everyone has their own journey and they recover at their own pace not at how others want or expect them to.
I played the blame game for years too and even in sobriety till I worked the steps and found out the problem was me and how I reacted to others.
I blamed being adopted, being picked on in school you name it I was the lone victim.
When I started to grow up and grow in recovery I took responsibility but that is not saying that I can sometimes still fall into it.
Its kind of ironic, that when we are blaming others for their blaming ways, how is that any different from what they are doing?
In the Big Book it talks about the alcoholic being sick and we should feel compassion for them not anger. I think that is easier said than done.
Anyway just a few thoughts I had when I was reading all the comments take what you need and leave the rest.
I played the blame game for years too and even in sobriety till I worked the steps and found out the problem was me and how I reacted to others.
I blamed being adopted, being picked on in school you name it I was the lone victim.
When I started to grow up and grow in recovery I took responsibility but that is not saying that I can sometimes still fall into it.
Its kind of ironic, that when we are blaming others for their blaming ways, how is that any different from what they are doing?
In the Big Book it talks about the alcoholic being sick and we should feel compassion for them not anger. I think that is easier said than done.
Anyway just a few thoughts I had when I was reading all the comments take what you need and leave the rest.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
I don't know how to set boundaries, but today I am practicing.
I could make suggestions like:
set a time limit for talking
tell her how much phone time you have to talk
Listen to her
Get off phone gently with words
Pray and learn...be grateful and possibly journal your thoughts
share with sponsor
Move on.
At 77 days, my character defects, pain I numbed, and other yucky me stuff is glaring at me.
I don't like it and am journaling & sharing with my sponsor. So far, I instigate with others, I pretend to know it all, I am angry, and I just want negative attention...
Hopefully I will be able to think more before reacting, saying, or doing.
I wish you a pleasant day.
Oh, here's a new one; I know who not to hold hands with at the end of an AA meeting-this male gave me a thumb rub that creeped me out!
I could make suggestions like:
set a time limit for talking
tell her how much phone time you have to talk
Listen to her
Get off phone gently with words
Pray and learn...be grateful and possibly journal your thoughts
share with sponsor
Move on.
At 77 days, my character defects, pain I numbed, and other yucky me stuff is glaring at me.
I don't like it and am journaling & sharing with my sponsor. So far, I instigate with others, I pretend to know it all, I am angry, and I just want negative attention...
Hopefully I will be able to think more before reacting, saying, or doing.
I wish you a pleasant day.
Oh, here's a new one; I know who not to hold hands with at the end of an AA meeting-this male gave me a thumb rub that creeped me out!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
I don't know how to set boundaries, but today I am practicing.
I could make suggestions like:
set a time limit for talking
tell her how much phone time you have to talk
Listen to her
Get off phone gently with words
Pray and learn...be grateful and possibly journal your thoughts
share with sponsor
Move on.
At 77 days, my character defects, pain I numbed, and other yucky me stuff is glaring at me.
I don't like it and am journaling & sharing with my sponsor. So far, I instigate with others, I pretend to know it all, I am angry, and I just want negative attention...
Hopefully I will be able to think more before reacting, saying, or doing.
I wish you a pleasant day.
Oh, here's a new one; I know who not to hold hands with at the end of an AA meeting-this male gave me a thumb rub that creeped me out!
I could make suggestions like:
set a time limit for talking
tell her how much phone time you have to talk
Listen to her
Get off phone gently with words
Pray and learn...be grateful and possibly journal your thoughts
share with sponsor
Move on.
At 77 days, my character defects, pain I numbed, and other yucky me stuff is glaring at me.
I don't like it and am journaling & sharing with my sponsor. So far, I instigate with others, I pretend to know it all, I am angry, and I just want negative attention...
Hopefully I will be able to think more before reacting, saying, or doing.
I wish you a pleasant day.
Oh, here's a new one; I know who not to hold hands with at the end of an AA meeting-this male gave me a thumb rub that creeped me out!
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
I should have written that "I KNEW that feeling well" And yes the steps promise to erase that feeling as well as many others.
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