Nirvana1

Hey everyone.

In my almost 8 months sober I've been through a lot. I posted a few weeks ago how I've been losing everything in sobriety, which has really taken a toll on me.

I had a really good talk with a sober friend, but when he asked "Are things getting better in sobriety?", my honest answer was "no". He then said that if things weren't better for him in sobriety he would have gone back out. I guess I've been torn since that talk.

I've been trying to fill the void but have no desire or options to fill it at the moment. Almost all the "friends" I made in AA are no longer in contact, the hobbies I started in sobriety are gone, cut out all old friends who are in a different town anyway, lost girlfriend awhile ago and no new dating, and things are getting worse and worse at work.

I guess I'm torn because it's not the drinking that's appealing to me, it's just trying to find some sort of happiness and acceptance. I was always a happy drunk who liked the night life, so I've traded all that to work on sobriety.

My mind is really playing games because I sought help without any treatment or court slip. I realized I was a middle stage alcoholic and wanted to jump off the elevator before any major consequences. It's been hard because AA and other support has become really depressing for me, and I'm not getting any joy in my "real life."

I know I sound like the classic alcoholic who is not grateful, but I really don't know how much longer I can take this. I have tried to have faith that things will turn around, but now I have a sample size of 8 months where that is not true. I've dealt with tons of rejection and failure with girls, friends, and my sales job, and it all really hurts and I have no where to hide.

roisindubh

Well, unfortunately life goes on in its usual unpredictable way, even in sobriety. I understand exactly how you feel, because everything fell apart for me after I'd been sober two years. My ex husband, from whom I was divorced, came back and wanted to try to make the relationship work when I was six months sober. My sponsor said I should not get into a relationship for at least a year (even with my ex), but I ignored her advice. After 18 months, during which time I had been ecstatically happy (I was in AA, he was in Alanon and we were in therapy together), he walked out again - this time for good. The job I had for 25 years went away - got an offer to retire that I couldn't refuse. I had lost the beautiful house in the beautiful neighborhood that I lived in when I was married. The guy I dated in AA when I broke up with my ex, who had five years of sobriety, turned out to be a psycho and practically choked me to death. I tried to talk to someone after a meeting one night, and she made it clear she didn't want to listen to my depressing stories (people in AA WILL on occasion let you down - that's when you need a Higher Power). I headed for a liquor store intending to drink and was in the parking lot when I had the feeling that I should go home and call someone in the program. I did that and I just celebrated my 22nd sober birthday. Life hasn't been perfect by any means, but it did get a lot better. I got three more jobs and the third lasted 13 years. I'm now retired in a beautiful community with all the amenities - golf course, tennis courts, indoor/outdoor swimming pools, etc. I did go through a pretty stressful time when the stock market dropped in 2008 and my IRA went south, but I went to a lot of meetings, got a new sponsor, did the steps again and got through it without drinking. When things are rough, I just go to more meetings and talk to the people I know will encourage me to hang in there and things will get better. I have an excellent relationship with everyone in my family (except one sister-in-law who rejected my attempts to reconcile our differences). I've been able to help a niece get a college education and also have helped two brothers who've had mental problems. I have lots of friends in and outside AA. I still haven't found a life partner, but I haven't given up hope...even at 67! No, life isn't perfect, but I'm alive and I'm not living under a bridge. My family isn't bailing me out of jail every five minutes or watching me struggle to breathe in the ICU after and accident or an overdose. A friend of many years put her family through all of that and finally committed suicide two years ago. She had six months of sobriety at the time and drank again. If nothing else will convince me to treasure and protect my sobriety looking at my friend in a coffin sure will. Her family was devastated - that too made a huge impression on me. Would I want to put my family through that? I hope and pray I never do. My suggestion to you - go to a lot of meetings, get a sponsor (if you don't already have one) and do the steps, even if you've done them already, do them again and stay away from that person who said he'd drink if things were as bad for him as they are for you. Those people are toxic and, at some level, may want to see you drink again. "Stick with the winners" I heard when I was new...spend your time with the people who have a lot of sobriety and have a good program, not the negative people who will bring you down...unless you want to drink again and are using them for an excuse. And, most important, help someone else and stop thinking about yourself all the time. Volunteer to be a greeter or make coffee at a meeting, talk to newcomers and encourage them. At times, even when I wasn't feeling very positive, I faked it to convince a newcomer to come back. There's nothing like spending time with newcomers (someone with a week's sobriety will look like an "old timer" to someone who just walked through the door to their first AA meeting) to make one appreciate sobriety. Do you want to be one of those people who never succeeds at getting sober? If not, start to do some positive things to stay sober. Once you start the cycle of going out and coming back in, it can be very difficult to break...I've seen more than one person die over the years after repeated efforts to get sober. Better to stay in the program the first time. I've always felt I shouldn't give myself "permission" to go back out as I can always come back in....maybe some time I wouldn't make it back.

ajangel

roisindubh, What an amazing, inspirational post. Thank you

SASA

Nirvana, I don't know, but drinking never changed things on me. When I woke up the next day the mess was still a mess and would get worse. So I am not sure how alocohol or drinking would improve your situation?

yogaisland

Agreed, drinking is not going to make anything better. You'll still be having trouble at work and feel lonely. I know it's hard but try to ride this out... have you considered looking for another job? I know that I could not work in sales because I don't deal well with rejection. Maybe something not as competitive, even if it paid less, might be good. It would certainly be less stressful.

What hobbies did you have that you stopped? And why? Maybe it's time to pick one of them back up. Or to search for a new one. Have you considered volunteering? I know it sounds corny but it can be very fulfilling and rewarding, and you might make friends that way.

Or you might try hanging out at coffee shops - I went to one last week and I was reminded what a haven they are for non-drinkers. Used to hang out at one all the time before I was legal to drink and made tons of friends there. At any rate, you've got all of us here, for what that's worth! There's always someone available to listen if you want to complain about your day or just vent.

wellwisher

What can be said about "faith without works"?

Sobriety has its ebbs and flows, just as life in general does. We go on with life on life's terms, don't we?

When you say AA friends are no longer in contact, ask yourself how the connections dropped. My experience in AA is that my relationships there were fluid too - people come and people go, but there are always people there. Many of the people I still have contact with over the years are those where I didn't allow the connection to drop.

Is it possible that no options and no desire for options can be the same as complacency and maybe a little bit of wishful thinking?

The idea that a low bottom makes for a more grateful recovering alcoholic is fallacy.

How true is it that you were a "happy" drunk - or was the alcohol causing you difficulties in your life. I suspect your are probably missing the social aspects of your active alcoholism phase; understandably. You know there is no going back there because you will never be able to emulate that experience. I know I kept drinking because it served me early on, in my youth, and did things for me, but in the end, it turned out to be one big fat lie.

My experience was this - I spent the better part of twenty years drinking, getting sicker and sicker, and my expectation in my first year of sobriety was that "everything" would be better. Immediately. Pronto. Instant Gratification.

What have we in recovery learned about expectations and controlling outcomes - people, places or things?

How could I possibly expect that a twenty year relationship with alcohol could be transformed in eight months? It is just the beginning of a new life. I had to stop walking like a gorilla and learn to walk upright.

I share something with you that was taught to me. Think of yourself as a farmer. You hope to grow some potatoes. You trust your HP that you will get what you need, but you have to do some work with the hoe first. You water the garden, you weed it, and the last thing you do is pour gasoline on it. Will you get potatoes?

Now translate to: I am a sober person. I trust my HP will provide for me what I need. I pray for a fulfilling, active, social life. I have no desire or options. Where does that leave you?

Do you truly have no desires and no options?

Latte

Whatever is bad can only get worse when you add alcohol, at least with this alcoholic.

Soberpotamus

Maybe it's time to try some new approaches? Do you read any self-help books?

Also... what are your specific life goals? Every so often I'll make a 6 month, 1 year, 3 years list of my goals and revise them. I've read that people who write their goals down statistically end up more "successful" in reaching them than those who don't.

Have you modified your diet and started eating healthier foods? Diet GREATLY impacts your moods and thinking. Cut out caffeine, sugar... easier said than done, but it really does help. Just my 2 cents worth...

sugarbear1

Keep on the sober path. Maybe these things would have happened even if you continued to drink. At least today you have tools to vent. Thanks for sharing!

Now, get into action. Read the big book, get to a meeting, help someone who is at their first meeting and get off the pity pot.

My disease wants me dead. Call your sponsor, talk to your network. Don't have one? Get new numbers & use them. Listen to AA spekers online. You are not alone. Congrats on 8 months!

ElvisInASkirt

I can testify to this. I've felt miserable all night after I had a Domino's for tea and 5 cookies for supper. Jesus.

But seriously man drinking won't make you feel any better. It's a one way street downhill.

8 months is superb.

Anna

I hope that continue to work on your sobriety.

Have you considered volunteering? It was a volunteer position that helped me so much in the early months of my recovery. You have a chance to do something that will help others and you can meet good people.

Nirvana1

Hey guys

Venting really made me feel better. My problem isn't lack of meetings, AA, or sponsorship, but more of a self reflection of what I've accomplished in this last 8 months. It's just that I sit here after this long with bad health, few friends, girl and work problems. You see this whole time I've been working on these last points and it has gone terrible.

I know it's my fault for expecting too much but everything outside of sobriety has gone pretty unexpectedly bad.

Threshold

Hugs, not all newbies get the "pink cloud" where suddenly all starts to fall into place. Some of us get our lives bulldozered. If nothing else...it makes room for new things, like the new people, places and playthings that help us stay clean. I am speaking from experience. My story is more like yours than not.

in your second post you say everything is going bad except sobriety. That is a huge gigantic, amazing, life saving "right". While you wait for the smoke to clear, just keep working on recovery, so you'll be ready for the opportunities that do open up for you, and they will if you wait it out.

About your friend who comiserated and said he/she'd go back to drinking if they were in your shoes...are you sure this person is a friend? I know it might have been a sort of joke or euphenism, but not a very smart one given the circumstances. Drinking never solves anything, and since you already know that when it comes to you and alcohol, the party is over...let's you and I both cry through the funeral and know new things are around the corner.

Some other recovering addicts have said to me "today, adaquate is enough" that goes for me AND for the situations around me. I may not be roses and sunshine, and life might not be roses and sunshine today, but both it and me are adequate.

glad you are among the sober and recovering.

Nirvana1

I try to volunteer and I even have a commitment at a meeting. Honestly though my job is so demanding, and I go to 1-2 meetings a day still. I really don't have much time to do else, but volunteering more is definitely on my list.