Help! In love with a "normie"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Help! In love with a "normie"
Hi all,
I've been here a while, and am doing really well: 7 happy months sober and counting. The problem is that my husband of 15 years is a normie. I quit before anyone thought I needed to, and though I know he missed his "partner in wine," he has always been 100 percent supportive. But I am still having a terrible time with his drinking. He likes his beer. Some nights he has no beer, some nights three beers. He has always drunk the same amount, and he has never (not once!) been mean, blacked out, etc.
My dad is an alkie, and whenever my husband cracks open a beer, it feels like a punch to my gut. It ruins my night. Last night, my husband told me he is tired of being judged and watched over. He has said he won't drink in the house, but the thought of him hitting a bar sounds awful to me.
The one thing I miss about drinking is the way we'd put the kids to bed and reconnect over a bottle of wine. Now I am nervous that he'll have a beer, angry if he does, etc. It's crazy! I have tried to 10th step it, but it's not getting better.
Has anyone else made this situation work? I would love some advice. Thank you!
I've been here a while, and am doing really well: 7 happy months sober and counting. The problem is that my husband of 15 years is a normie. I quit before anyone thought I needed to, and though I know he missed his "partner in wine," he has always been 100 percent supportive. But I am still having a terrible time with his drinking. He likes his beer. Some nights he has no beer, some nights three beers. He has always drunk the same amount, and he has never (not once!) been mean, blacked out, etc.
My dad is an alkie, and whenever my husband cracks open a beer, it feels like a punch to my gut. It ruins my night. Last night, my husband told me he is tired of being judged and watched over. He has said he won't drink in the house, but the thought of him hitting a bar sounds awful to me.
The one thing I miss about drinking is the way we'd put the kids to bed and reconnect over a bottle of wine. Now I am nervous that he'll have a beer, angry if he does, etc. It's crazy! I have tried to 10th step it, but it's not getting better.
Has anyone else made this situation work? I would love some advice. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Yes! My husband takes his drink out of doors. It's the smell that gets me and not because of my drinking but because of my Father's drinking and how I associate that smell, etc.
I stay out of his drinking. By that, I mean that I don't talk about his alcohol use. He did try and talk to me once about trying different types of the kind he drinks and I did the blank stare and asked him if he remembered who he was talking to. I think he kind of forgot, not that he was trying to be mean.
But...that took awhile. We had quite a long run where he did not keep alcohol in the house, that was his choice and never something I asked of him. He did occasionally drink at the friends house across the street, or when he traveled. Like your DH, mine has never had a problem with alcohol either.
It's a balance. The only way to get through it for me was to work my program. There is no secret but I can tell you that it got better for me.
I stay out of his drinking. By that, I mean that I don't talk about his alcohol use. He did try and talk to me once about trying different types of the kind he drinks and I did the blank stare and asked him if he remembered who he was talking to. I think he kind of forgot, not that he was trying to be mean.
But...that took awhile. We had quite a long run where he did not keep alcohol in the house, that was his choice and never something I asked of him. He did occasionally drink at the friends house across the street, or when he traveled. Like your DH, mine has never had a problem with alcohol either.
It's a balance. The only way to get through it for me was to work my program. There is no secret but I can tell you that it got better for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
maryjan
I had similiar feelings at 6to12 months. I think the smell bothered me and the question, "why is he drinking alone?" It got to the point that he just stopped drinking in the house, not because I asked him to but he became aware of what he was doing. I also never bought booze for him to drink. Now, close to 2 yrs sober I don't mind when he has drinks when we go out with friends or if dinner guests bring a bottle of wine. I think people become aware of their own drinking patterns when someone they love suffers from alcoholism.
He would tell me he enjoys one or two drinks with friends, but I notice if friends bring booze it always leaves with them because he likes not having it in the house.
Also, my husband travels a lot and I don't like the thought of him hanging out in bars drinking. I think that is normal. Fortunately for me, his job, age and hours doesn't really encourage that behaviour.
Congrats on 7 mos.
SH
I had similiar feelings at 6to12 months. I think the smell bothered me and the question, "why is he drinking alone?" It got to the point that he just stopped drinking in the house, not because I asked him to but he became aware of what he was doing. I also never bought booze for him to drink. Now, close to 2 yrs sober I don't mind when he has drinks when we go out with friends or if dinner guests bring a bottle of wine. I think people become aware of their own drinking patterns when someone they love suffers from alcoholism.
He would tell me he enjoys one or two drinks with friends, but I notice if friends bring booze it always leaves with them because he likes not having it in the house.
Also, my husband travels a lot and I don't like the thought of him hanging out in bars drinking. I think that is normal. Fortunately for me, his job, age and hours doesn't really encourage that behaviour.
Congrats on 7 mos.
SH
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Congrats on 7 mos!
Have you considered talking to a professional about it? This to me sounds more about recovering from childhood trauma than your own alcoholism. If the two can be separated, that is
My husband drinks and I just find it kind of amazing. I really do NOT understand being able to take or leave alcohol.
Have you considered talking to a professional about it? This to me sounds more about recovering from childhood trauma than your own alcoholism. If the two can be separated, that is
My husband drinks and I just find it kind of amazing. I really do NOT understand being able to take or leave alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Oh yes.... absolutely, been there, done that, got the T-shirt... all that. LOLOLOL !!
My wife has one tall white wine spritzer each night when we sit down to Jay Leno... She might have a second on the weekend... She never drinks when we go out, hardly ever at parties and never, ever before dinner... she is as normie as they come.
I went through a lot with this early on. In fact it is probably all documented here at SR because that's where I brought my troubles in early sobriety... often
The one thing that helped me was my sponsor asked me... "If that were my best friend would I expect him not to enjoy a drink when they wanted?" "Really?"
My wife has the same right to enjoy a glass of wine as does anyone else. How I feel about it is up to me, not her... I won't say it was easy at first, but things are fine, if not a little different, now... If your husband wants to crack open a cold one, for God's sake let him, how you feel about it isn't his fault... and you can change how you react and feel, if you are willing...
My wife has one tall white wine spritzer each night when we sit down to Jay Leno... She might have a second on the weekend... She never drinks when we go out, hardly ever at parties and never, ever before dinner... she is as normie as they come.
I went through a lot with this early on. In fact it is probably all documented here at SR because that's where I brought my troubles in early sobriety... often
The one thing that helped me was my sponsor asked me... "If that were my best friend would I expect him not to enjoy a drink when they wanted?" "Really?"
My wife has the same right to enjoy a glass of wine as does anyone else. How I feel about it is up to me, not her... I won't say it was easy at first, but things are fine, if not a little different, now... If your husband wants to crack open a cold one, for God's sake let him, how you feel about it isn't his fault... and you can change how you react and feel, if you are willing...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 107
Hi Maryjan
I agree with SSIL75 in that it sounds like this might have more to do with your father than with your own drinking past. I have no personal experience with a family member abusing alchohol and it getting to me but from what I have heard from people who have, it can be extremely unsettling.
Maybe the next time you discuss the situation explain to your husband that his drinking triggers memories in your past as they relate to your father; that this is a visceral reaction, and it isn't a judgment on his drinking and behavior. Bottom line though is 7 months is still soo early. He needs to suck it up for a while longer.
I agree with SSIL75 in that it sounds like this might have more to do with your father than with your own drinking past. I have no personal experience with a family member abusing alchohol and it getting to me but from what I have heard from people who have, it can be extremely unsettling.
Maybe the next time you discuss the situation explain to your husband that his drinking triggers memories in your past as they relate to your father; that this is a visceral reaction, and it isn't a judgment on his drinking and behavior. Bottom line though is 7 months is still soo early. He needs to suck it up for a while longer.
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