Greetings. I'm new here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 24
Greetings. I'm new here.
I found this site researching Antabuse, and have been reading for a few weeks now, but never introduced myself because I wasn't sure if I would even come back. Having left a few comments on other people's posts recently, though, and not saying anything about me seemed a bit rude so I thought I would do the obligatory newcomer post. Sorry this got long.
I am 36, on day 8 since the last drink, and somewhere around day 35 since I was taken to the hospital after my first seizure where I almost broke my nose and bit off my tongue. I wasn't even feeling sick from the withdrawal anymore at the time it happened. Luckily I wasn't holding my baby daughter at the time, or driving with her, or driving past the local school, or ~shudder~. (I didn't even know I had another seizure the next day until my wife told me two weeks ago.)
My wife was home and heard me crash land on the floor. She and the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. My wife told him that I had been "sick" for the past few days. (I had told her it was probably the flu - knowing all along I was going through withdrawal, having decided to quit a few days earlier.) It was there that I came clean and told them the seizure was DT.
She knew I drank more than I probably should, but didn't know how much. I feel bad for her spending the past year wondering what was going on, being so confused at my changing.
So I need help. Our marriage needs help. We live in a small rural village in Japan. The nearest alcohol rehabilitation center is three hours away, so we make the drive, I check in, looking forward to the counseling and therapy and support I need to stop drinking - the whole Sandra Bullock thing.
I really did want to get help (though I didn't expect the movie), and had for a long time. I just couldn't find a convenient time to go through withdrawal. Always some work to do, or some meeting, or something... This was my chance and I was excited.
The place was a dump. Literally. There were several mentally challenged and elderly people there who I am fairly sure did not have substance abuse problems, but their family needed a cheap place to "dump" them. One of the patients had been there for 16 years.
There were no therapists, the "program" was to go to a room with a temp-staff nurse with no training in addiction whose only job was to push a button on the video player. I asked about group therapy, so I could get what I get from at least reading SoberRecovery - some other perspective and hear other people's experiences. Oh, and we were only allowed to bathe twice a week. And the food sucked.
I checked myself out after ten days and went home feeling great. Still wanted to go to couples counseling, but that would be a $400 dollar adventure for each time we traveled to Tokyo - the closest place we could find a qualified counselor with experience with international couples. That lasted one visit.
After checking myself out I lasted a few days back home, no urges to drink, which confused me, because everything I hear and read and see on TV and movies tells me I should be thinking about drinking constantly. I came across one of my hidden half-full bottles that I had forgotten I even had and, as I was dumping it down the drain, I got curious and took a swig. I took another, and another. Dang that was good. So I drank for three more days, then quit again.
I see it as a worthy experiment. I found that although I don't have cravings when I am sober, I have no control once I start drinking. So I guess I gotta stay sober.
I feel bad to say it, considering some of the posts I am reading from people really struggling, but I am happy that I don't feel any desires or urges. I have a can of beer in the fridge that I was given at a local function the other day just as a test to see if I ever consider drinking it - a signal that I need to start taking the Antabuse that a doctor gave me (no evaluation, no questions, no exam, just a month worth of drugs. I think he did it more for my wife, so she could feel confident that I wasn't hiding my drinking again).
So, here I am doing this with only the help of the web and my wife and a 1.5 year old little girl (she's probably the biggest help). There is no AA to be spoken of here. Every role I play in the community entails lots and lots of drinking. I have been getting by by telling the neighbors that I have a brain disorder and am on medication that doesn't mix well with alchohol.
I look at the can of beer in the fridge every day, and have not needed to take the Antabuse yet. I feel lucky.
I am 36, on day 8 since the last drink, and somewhere around day 35 since I was taken to the hospital after my first seizure where I almost broke my nose and bit off my tongue. I wasn't even feeling sick from the withdrawal anymore at the time it happened. Luckily I wasn't holding my baby daughter at the time, or driving with her, or driving past the local school, or ~shudder~. (I didn't even know I had another seizure the next day until my wife told me two weeks ago.)
My wife was home and heard me crash land on the floor. She and the doctor had no idea what was wrong with me. My wife told him that I had been "sick" for the past few days. (I had told her it was probably the flu - knowing all along I was going through withdrawal, having decided to quit a few days earlier.) It was there that I came clean and told them the seizure was DT.
She knew I drank more than I probably should, but didn't know how much. I feel bad for her spending the past year wondering what was going on, being so confused at my changing.
So I need help. Our marriage needs help. We live in a small rural village in Japan. The nearest alcohol rehabilitation center is three hours away, so we make the drive, I check in, looking forward to the counseling and therapy and support I need to stop drinking - the whole Sandra Bullock thing.
I really did want to get help (though I didn't expect the movie), and had for a long time. I just couldn't find a convenient time to go through withdrawal. Always some work to do, or some meeting, or something... This was my chance and I was excited.
The place was a dump. Literally. There were several mentally challenged and elderly people there who I am fairly sure did not have substance abuse problems, but their family needed a cheap place to "dump" them. One of the patients had been there for 16 years.
There were no therapists, the "program" was to go to a room with a temp-staff nurse with no training in addiction whose only job was to push a button on the video player. I asked about group therapy, so I could get what I get from at least reading SoberRecovery - some other perspective and hear other people's experiences. Oh, and we were only allowed to bathe twice a week. And the food sucked.
I checked myself out after ten days and went home feeling great. Still wanted to go to couples counseling, but that would be a $400 dollar adventure for each time we traveled to Tokyo - the closest place we could find a qualified counselor with experience with international couples. That lasted one visit.
After checking myself out I lasted a few days back home, no urges to drink, which confused me, because everything I hear and read and see on TV and movies tells me I should be thinking about drinking constantly. I came across one of my hidden half-full bottles that I had forgotten I even had and, as I was dumping it down the drain, I got curious and took a swig. I took another, and another. Dang that was good. So I drank for three more days, then quit again.
I see it as a worthy experiment. I found that although I don't have cravings when I am sober, I have no control once I start drinking. So I guess I gotta stay sober.
I feel bad to say it, considering some of the posts I am reading from people really struggling, but I am happy that I don't feel any desires or urges. I have a can of beer in the fridge that I was given at a local function the other day just as a test to see if I ever consider drinking it - a signal that I need to start taking the Antabuse that a doctor gave me (no evaluation, no questions, no exam, just a month worth of drugs. I think he did it more for my wife, so she could feel confident that I wasn't hiding my drinking again).
So, here I am doing this with only the help of the web and my wife and a 1.5 year old little girl (she's probably the biggest help). There is no AA to be spoken of here. Every role I play in the community entails lots and lots of drinking. I have been getting by by telling the neighbors that I have a brain disorder and am on medication that doesn't mix well with alchohol.
I look at the can of beer in the fridge every day, and have not needed to take the Antabuse yet. I feel lucky.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 11
Welcome to the board!
Having a seizure is a major sign that you have a problem.
It seemed to me that you haven't made up your mind 100% to quit. Seems you are taking it as a dare.
"...I was dumping it down the drain, I got curious and took a swig."
As far as the beer you have goes - get rid of it. You may have no symptom or urges now, but once you feel curious again it's the same old witch circle all over again. 1 became 2 and ended in not remembering 12+ hours.
I also come from a small community where alcohol was a defining sociological symbol. There was little way around it. What is your role in the community, if you don't mind me asking?
Think about what you want your future to look like. Make the right decisions and figure out what you want to do.
Your wife and daughter deserve it!
Having a seizure is a major sign that you have a problem.
It seemed to me that you haven't made up your mind 100% to quit. Seems you are taking it as a dare.
"...I was dumping it down the drain, I got curious and took a swig."
As far as the beer you have goes - get rid of it. You may have no symptom or urges now, but once you feel curious again it's the same old witch circle all over again. 1 became 2 and ended in not remembering 12+ hours.
I also come from a small community where alcohol was a defining sociological symbol. There was little way around it. What is your role in the community, if you don't mind me asking?
Think about what you want your future to look like. Make the right decisions and figure out what you want to do.
Your wife and daughter deserve it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 24
Thanks for the concern Nocturnus
No, I had made up my mind a few months ago, hence quitting and having the seizure and it is still made up. I knew I had a problem long before that - just wasn't expecting it to be that big.
I got curious as to why I had no cravings once the shakes and nausea were gone. Why I did not "feel" addicted anymore. Why I didn't fit to what I see on TV. I am a curious person. I like to see for myself. I am told that one drink will set me off again. Really? Well, I have tested it and now that curiosity has been scratched. That is why I was able to quit after three days this time. I still had some part of my rational mind that new it was a test and said "yep, what you heard was right. Now you know. Time to get back on track." My drinking mind however wouldn't quit until all the booze in the house was gone. Luckily rational mind was controlling the wallet this time.
The beer in the fridge is the least of my worries. My job entails a bit of entertaining guests. I used to sit down to dinner and have a beer or two with most of them. Some wanted to drink more and I was always more than happy to oblige. That will be much more tempting than a beer in the fridge.
I am not taking it as a dare, but if I start eyeing that beer, I know I may need to start with the drugs, because if I can not even keep myself from drinking that, there is no way I will keep myself from drinking with customers or at a local function unless I know I will be writhing on the floor in agony after one sip.
My role in the community is
1) Strange foreign guy with the cute daughter
2) Any role that the oldest male of the house has to do (this past Sunday the oldest male of each house got together to clear weeds from the mountain roads) After which there is usually a drinking party
3) Volunteer fire department (lots of drinking parties to keep the young guys from quitting)
4) Starting Monday I will be practicing for a local festival = nightly drinking party for two weeks straight after practice, followed by a BIG drinking party after the festival.
etc. etc.
No, I had made up my mind a few months ago, hence quitting and having the seizure and it is still made up. I knew I had a problem long before that - just wasn't expecting it to be that big.
I got curious as to why I had no cravings once the shakes and nausea were gone. Why I did not "feel" addicted anymore. Why I didn't fit to what I see on TV. I am a curious person. I like to see for myself. I am told that one drink will set me off again. Really? Well, I have tested it and now that curiosity has been scratched. That is why I was able to quit after three days this time. I still had some part of my rational mind that new it was a test and said "yep, what you heard was right. Now you know. Time to get back on track." My drinking mind however wouldn't quit until all the booze in the house was gone. Luckily rational mind was controlling the wallet this time.
The beer in the fridge is the least of my worries. My job entails a bit of entertaining guests. I used to sit down to dinner and have a beer or two with most of them. Some wanted to drink more and I was always more than happy to oblige. That will be much more tempting than a beer in the fridge.
I am not taking it as a dare, but if I start eyeing that beer, I know I may need to start with the drugs, because if I can not even keep myself from drinking that, there is no way I will keep myself from drinking with customers or at a local function unless I know I will be writhing on the floor in agony after one sip.
My role in the community is
1) Strange foreign guy with the cute daughter
2) Any role that the oldest male of the house has to do (this past Sunday the oldest male of each house got together to clear weeds from the mountain roads) After which there is usually a drinking party
3) Volunteer fire department (lots of drinking parties to keep the young guys from quitting)
4) Starting Monday I will be practicing for a local festival = nightly drinking party for two weeks straight after practice, followed by a BIG drinking party after the festival.
etc. etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York City
Posts: 221
AA has support options over Skype, chat and email. It may help to augment your SR with more personal help and some structure. Welcome to SR. I wish you well(ness!)
e-AA Group : Alcoholics Anonymous
e-AA Group : Alcoholics Anonymous
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi kbeen
Welcome
Everyone's different, I guess, when it comes to craving - I think everyone finds some experience with it again, sooner or later tho, so it's good to be ready. Support helps.
A couple of things I noticed in your post:
I found building a better life and becoming a better person sober was a far better and more lasting motivation for me than fear. I nearly died from my drinking, but fear still faded for me.
This was my new life - I wanted to base in on positives not negatives, y'know?.
I'd keep looking for avenues of support - wherever you can find them.
I'm also not a fan of the test.
Maybe it's just me, but I think a far better indication of strength would be to throw the thing out....?
D
Welcome
Everyone's different, I guess, when it comes to craving - I think everyone finds some experience with it again, sooner or later tho, so it's good to be ready. Support helps.
A couple of things I noticed in your post:
I found building a better life and becoming a better person sober was a far better and more lasting motivation for me than fear. I nearly died from my drinking, but fear still faded for me.
This was my new life - I wanted to base in on positives not negatives, y'know?.
I'd keep looking for avenues of support - wherever you can find them.
I'm also not a fan of the test.
Maybe it's just me, but I think a far better indication of strength would be to throw the thing out....?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Hi, and welcome to SR!! Glad you joined.
I'm not a fan of the test, either, but whatever floats your boat. I've met a good few people on Antabuse in the last few months, and I'll be honest, none of them seemed happy. They were resentful, bitter, and angry that they had to take that pill every day to prevent them from drinking. Their minds were thinking about drinking ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Just physically they couldn't do it. I'd rather you not get to that point, but you need to do what works for you. I wish you great success with your journey
By the way...it wasn't curiosity that made you taste that drink that you were pouring away. The definition of curiosity is an eagerness to know more..the desire to explore the novel and extraordinary. You KNOW exactly what it was, and what would happen. It was a good, old fashioned craving that you followed through. Pure and simple. I'd chuck that beer out, if I were you.
I'm not a fan of the test, either, but whatever floats your boat. I've met a good few people on Antabuse in the last few months, and I'll be honest, none of them seemed happy. They were resentful, bitter, and angry that they had to take that pill every day to prevent them from drinking. Their minds were thinking about drinking ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Just physically they couldn't do it. I'd rather you not get to that point, but you need to do what works for you. I wish you great success with your journey
By the way...it wasn't curiosity that made you taste that drink that you were pouring away. The definition of curiosity is an eagerness to know more..the desire to explore the novel and extraordinary. You KNOW exactly what it was, and what would happen. It was a good, old fashioned craving that you followed through. Pure and simple. I'd chuck that beer out, if I were you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 24
Thanks everyone for the advice. I will defanitly take into account everyone's reaction to the beer in the fridge. I will also look for some skype counceling or something I can get online.
@Dee77 and NewWings, I completely agree with the idea of not using Antibuse induced fear as a motivator. That is why I have not taken the it, despite my wifes and the doctor's urging. I am doing fine without it, and I can feel confident now that it is NOT because I will feel sick if I drink, but rather that I feel better not drinking.
NewWings wrote
"By the way...it wasn't curiosity that made you taste that drink that you were pouring away. The definition of curiosity is an eagerness to know more..the desire to explore the novel and extraordinary. You KNOW exactly what it was, and what would happen. It was a good, old fashioned craving that you followed through. Pure and simple."
I would have to strongly disagree. The reason I drank it, despite actually having to supress a feeling of nausia when I smelled it before the first swig (every swig after that came all too easy) was precisly because I was "eager to know more and explore the novel and extraordinary." This is the first, and hopefully last, chace I have to experience recovery in my 36 years. I find it fascinating. (My wife was disturbed when I would come to her excitedly saying "Ooo! I think I just had a halucination!" Its not that I want to go off and have lots of halucinations, but it certainly was an interesting experience.)
It is difficult to just believe what I am told and read about recovery, and not explore for myself. Especially since a lot of what I am told just doesn't seem like what is happening to me.
@Dee77 and NewWings, I completely agree with the idea of not using Antibuse induced fear as a motivator. That is why I have not taken the it, despite my wifes and the doctor's urging. I am doing fine without it, and I can feel confident now that it is NOT because I will feel sick if I drink, but rather that I feel better not drinking.
NewWings wrote
"By the way...it wasn't curiosity that made you taste that drink that you were pouring away. The definition of curiosity is an eagerness to know more..the desire to explore the novel and extraordinary. You KNOW exactly what it was, and what would happen. It was a good, old fashioned craving that you followed through. Pure and simple."
I would have to strongly disagree. The reason I drank it, despite actually having to supress a feeling of nausia when I smelled it before the first swig (every swig after that came all too easy) was precisly because I was "eager to know more and explore the novel and extraordinary." This is the first, and hopefully last, chace I have to experience recovery in my 36 years. I find it fascinating. (My wife was disturbed when I would come to her excitedly saying "Ooo! I think I just had a halucination!" Its not that I want to go off and have lots of halucinations, but it certainly was an interesting experience.)
It is difficult to just believe what I am told and read about recovery, and not explore for myself. Especially since a lot of what I am told just doesn't seem like what is happening to me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
