TenYearsGone

I am trying to move forward, but feel a lot of guilt over how I have behaved during the binges over the past 10 years. Maybe guilt isn't the right word...shame I guess is more accurate. Yes, I feel very ashamed of myself & it is hard to not beat myself up incessantly over my idiocy.

I see posts saying how people quickly forget how bad it was. I don't. I mean, I can't remember things when I've blacked out, but I don't forget how bad it's been, or how far gone I've let myself get during binges. I guess it is a mental pattern for me, I always remember the worst things & easily forget the good. I want it to be the other way around.

I feel really sad for the ways I've let this mess with my life, the ways I've held myself back because of drinking & the ways I have embarrassed & upset myself & my husband. I feel so much regret for the dangerous situations I've put myself in over the years, like I had no value at all. Driving while completely obliterated, being promiscuous, being falling-down-drunk in public...if you're here, you probably know just what I'm talking about.

I am really glad I am quitting, I have goals & dreams I am working towards & luckily I still have my husband who loves me completely & supports me in everything. I feel fortunate to still have friends who love me no matter what. Today though, I feel really sad & full of regret.

How do you deal with these kinds of feelings?

Fenris

I can really relate to those feelings. When it comes to shame and guilt, I try to keep in mind that I can't wallow around in it -- I try to deal with it a little at a time without letting it overwhelm me. At some point, I'll have to make amends for the things I've done wrong while drinking, and that will help, but until then I just try to live in the moment and accept the past for what it is. It also helps me just to talk about it with others...I mean, I've done some pretty awful things when I was drunk, and I thought that surely if I told anyone about any of it, they'd stare at me like I'd grown another head or sprouted horns; but come to find out that there are a lot of people (in treatment, in AA, or here) that have done what I've done, if not more and worse, and just knowing that I'm not alone in that helps keep me sane. Doesn't absolve me of any guilt or shame, but it makes it easier to face, if that makes sense.

One of my counselors told me that guilt and shame are what good people feel when they've done bad things.

--Fenris.

SSIL75

I try not to let them get too much mental airtime. I am trying to train myself to be more positive. So when the shame creeps in (and it does) I'll just say to myself "it's over now". I posted the other day about having that feeling you get when you wake up from a bad dream and realize you're safe. I have almost a year sober but that's a common feeling for me, still.

I'll share something from the other night. You and I are about the same age. I'm also married and we have small children. We were talking in bed in the middle of the night, neither of us could sleep and my husband was trying to be 'affectionate', let's say. That's been hard for me since I stopped drinking (intimacy) and I realized at that point that it was partly because of the shame and guilt I feel for having put him through hell. Also my recovery has been very private. We haven't talked about it that much.

So I was crying and he wasn't talking at all. Just listening. I said for the first time, I think that I still felt such shock from it all and that I was sorry that I put him through hell. He thought about it for a bit and said that it wasn't hell for him and that it was a small portion of our marriage. That I'm sober now and we'll have many more years together.

I guess I have 2 points. One - people's perception of your alcoholism is likely different than your own (how could my husband not have felt it was hellish??) and two - there comes a time to move on and celebrate your sober life.

So that's my non AA perspective. I know this question has come up before and people have said that the steps help. I'm sure you'll get lots of answers to your great question!

Dee74

The best way I've found to lay the ghosts of the way I used to live is to live right now, TYG.

I was caught up in shame regret and guilt too.

The blunt bottom line I needed to acknowledge was that yesterday's gone - Today's the only day we can do anything about.

It will get easier - do right, give yourself things to be proud of and you will move on
D

recoverywfaith

TYG: I posted something awhile back and broke it down per the AA steps and it is as follows:

by: David J, KnowItSome, Sondra C, Flickety

Everyone experiences guilt, some more than others. Guilt is a waste of mental energy and a major source of stress. Identify whether or not you should feel guilty. Guilt is the signal that you have a working conscience, and some guilt is appropriate. If you've done something wrong, it's good that you feel guilty, If your guilt is from a wrong action on your part, set about making it right.

Recognize that you are feeling guilty. Sometimes it is obvious because it occupies our minds and can reveal itself in the form of stress. Make sure that you are feeling guilt and not worry. When we feel guilty, we focus intently on events that have already happened. When we worry, it is about events that are presently happening or may happen in the future. steps 1, 2, 3

Affirm that the event has happened and that you feel guilty whether accurate or inaccurate.
Write it down. steps 4 and 5

Modify your behavior so that it will not happen again. Write it down. steps 6 and 7

Ask yourself, "Is there anything I can do to make this situation better right now?" steps 8 and 9

And, when working thru all of those steps feel it but DO NOT linger in the guilt, as it is not productive nor good for you. Realize that is not how you are today. If you still feel guilty, affirm that it is not necessary or productive. Say to yourself, "I have now done everything in my power to make this situation better. My guilt no longer serves any positive purpose. Don't dwell on negative, guilty feelings; they lead to inappropriate levels of shame and self-loathing. Recognize that nobody's perfect and we all make mistakes, and this is one you will not repeat. Engage in activities that are positive and affirming, and where you have opportunities to do good; allow yourself to see how the same mistake that made you feel guilty has now resulted in your being a better, more conscientious person. God has a loving purpose,forgives and loves you. steps 10-12

wpainterw

Ten Years: Yes, I too feel shame at the way I was. I know very well how you feel. But what you and I should realize is that we have been ill, so ill that we really were not ourselves at all. We were enslaved to a substance which had taken over our minds and bodies. Now that recovery has started it is time to work on forgiving ourselves. That takes understanding because with understanding comes wisdom and eventually forgiveness. It is no small thing to recover from addiction. Many do not make it back. If you persist you will have something to be proud of and something which others will admire. Look ahead, now, to a brighter future. Understand and then forgive. Every good wish.

W.

TenYearsGone

Wow, thank you all SO much for the words of wisdom & perspective on things. Reading your take on things does help me. I cried to my husband about it today when he came home. As a recovered alcoholic, he understands these things very well, too. I feel truly fortunate to have this kind of support. Know that I am taking your advice to heart! Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post I've only been here a few days & already you are all helping me a lot.

yogaisland

TenYearsGone, my username could be TwoYearsGone because like you, I feel like years of my life were just wasted while I was drinking heavily. I understand where you're coming from. I too have a lot of shame about things that happened during that time. But I try to remind myself that I can only go forward, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, and do any little thing I can for others to somehow make up the bad karma I surely earned in the past two years. It feels good to be a positive force in the world instead of a negative one

wpainterw

You are indeed blessed to have such support from your husband. Let's hope that the two of you together will go upwards now, towards sunnier days. You will come to know yourselves and each other and you will have the greatest gift of all, the ability to forgive yourself.

W.

endlesspatience

This is a great thread. Thanks for encouraging a discussion about this. I think for me, it helps a lot to take stock about the things I have done TODAY or even in the past few hours. Now I'm sober, I can put that achievement at the top of my list. I don't often have to add being argumentative, aggressive, insensitive or cruel to the list of shortcomings. That tells me that whatever bad things I have done in the past, at least for today I have made an honest and wholehearted attempt to improve things and that relieves the sense of guilt and shame.

CarolD

Prayer helps me immensley in all situations...

In recovery...I re connected to my childhood conception of God forgives and cares about all of us.
Psalms 23 is a great comfort for me...

wpainterw

The best thing to do is to understand and forgive oneself and others and, at the end, leave a footprint behind. Do not worry if that footprint should be on the sand and disappear with the incoming tide. Before it vanishes, it may be seen by some passer by and she, leaving her own footprint, will say, "Others have been here before me. Others have done this... and so shall I."

W.

AlDorado

A good friend once told me to put down the aluminum bat I was beating myself up with and pick up a nerf instead. sage words.

firestorm090

Hey TYG,

Can relate totally to your present emotional confusion, for I lived that way for all of my 52 years, regardless of whether I was drunk or sober. It's those doggone feelings that trip us up most of the time. Shame, well that's a tough one and not much fun at all. It followed me around like a shadow for weeks, till I realized that during all those drinking years, I still did some pretty neat things too, like run a business for years, create many successful projects, got married with some good times, (then divorced because the good times ran out long before the marriage did, lol.) gained weight, joined the gym, lost weight... you get my drift. It was really difficult to deal with the full assortment of feelings that arose after being deadened by booze for decades and it's still not easy sometimes today, but I have learned they are just feelings, and do not require an action each time, sometimes we just feel them, then let them go and keep moving forward.

I'm sure you're experiences over the ten years were a mixed bag, so try to balance the scale against the shameful feelings by remembering some good things you did during that time. Balance is key to staying on an even keel. Look in the mirror and smile, cause if you're not drunk today, then you're on a much better path and shame can't hang around long if you keep smiling at it.

Jabbadabutt

I have shame issues as well. Like firestorm said, even though I regret my drinking past, I still had some great experiences in there as well (whether or not they included or were influenced by alcohol) and they made me who I am today. However, sobriety has made me who I will be in the future. Like 911, never forget. It makes you a better sober person.

klaarstroom

I am very fond of the "those who forget history are bound to repeat it" quote. However, used positively, one can use it to move mountains. What made alcohol attractive as a solution in the first place, is the history not to forget. How it eventually culminated should not also not be forgotten, maybe, but put behind you. It happened. Nothing can change that, and it can't change on its own. Leave, not to say forget it, just leave it to those who feel the need to cling to your mistakes - no matter how humiliating they might have been for you. Its your humiliation, and you can deal with it. Anyone worth loving, would agree that you're worth their love, hence worth putting your mistakes behind them as well. If not, its not anybody on this earth's job to forgive anyway!! That's the privilege of a much Higher Authority. The only one thing we can and are allowed to do, is to put it behind us and enjoy what's ahead of us.

I sometimes get the impression that once we as alcoholics can achieve our freedom from drinking, others get jealous - seriously - because the one thing they could beat us up with is now gone, so living in our past is the only way they can escape from their own.

Those prepared to put it behind them with you, are the ones important enough to take with you on your journey from here on. Those not prepared to, no matter how close you thought they were, are not the ones you want beside you. Leave them. We made our mistakes, had our shames, triumphed our problem and should now genuinely be too busy with our futures to be held back by others' emotional shortcomings.

Soberpotamus

There's a really good book I've started reading called "I Thought It Was Just Me" by Brene Brown, PhD. It's all about shame, and specifically in women. I recommend it.

raindancer11

I'm also reading a book by Brene Brown The Gifts of Imperfection. It definitely made me understand my shame better. She talks about shame resilience and how to make that an automatic process so that the emotions of shame don't overwhelm you.

Glad you were able to talk about it. That's is the key. I haven't yet been able to talk about mine but am getting closer.