day 22 sober...and so lonely and hurt
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
day 22 sober...and so lonely and hurt
On day 22 of sobriety, but not sure if I can get past today. I am so depressed, hurt, angry, and lonely that my friend/lover of over a year will not talk to me and had only the meanest, vilest, words to insult me with... I did not deserve this...and his threats to send police and prosecute if I try to contact him even by email....I know that's not likely , but the idea he even thought of it hurts so deep. While in rehab for 2 months I sent about 8 or 10 emails that supported his recovery. I expressed concern and love. I told him I would get clean before he gets out and I have.
I know that I supplied the drugs we used, he never had any money. I never once complained about the cost....We did meth intraveneously, he sees that as the ultimate depravity....but is addiction to a substance any less serious or depraved if you drink it, snort it, smoke it, or inject it. We did it 2, 3, 4 days a week. We had many other connection of interests, common likes and dislikes, art, cinema, theater, music etc. We both admit to one of the most intense sensual and intimate experiences was experienced in our relationship. We helped each other unload and vent much of what bothered us in life and we expressed gratitude to each other for that....
But I am now some kind of demon. He says the past doesn't matter. that I mean nothing to him now, and that we will never have contact again. Threat of police, insults of ME being the lowest depths of depravity. I have been addicted for only 2 years. I started self medicating for depression....I told him I wanted to get clean and we needed to spend sober time together. He ALWAYS backed out of sober plans. When I had been sober for many days , sometimes weeks, he convinced me to get high again..he has been to rehab 3 or 4 times....So how did I become the depraved one.. I thought we have a disease.
All I know is that I do miss him, need his embrace, his encouragement in my recovery, his smile, his eyes, his touch..... I am depressed, lonely, and so so hurt. I need to know that he does not believe the horrible things he has called me. I can only blame repeated reconditioning to believe that there is no place for anyone you formerly drank with or used drugs with. There was no reason to be cruel as he was...why not an email of regret and gentler language to say that we can't see each other for now or longer?
I know that I supplied the drugs we used, he never had any money. I never once complained about the cost....We did meth intraveneously, he sees that as the ultimate depravity....but is addiction to a substance any less serious or depraved if you drink it, snort it, smoke it, or inject it. We did it 2, 3, 4 days a week. We had many other connection of interests, common likes and dislikes, art, cinema, theater, music etc. We both admit to one of the most intense sensual and intimate experiences was experienced in our relationship. We helped each other unload and vent much of what bothered us in life and we expressed gratitude to each other for that....
But I am now some kind of demon. He says the past doesn't matter. that I mean nothing to him now, and that we will never have contact again. Threat of police, insults of ME being the lowest depths of depravity. I have been addicted for only 2 years. I started self medicating for depression....I told him I wanted to get clean and we needed to spend sober time together. He ALWAYS backed out of sober plans. When I had been sober for many days , sometimes weeks, he convinced me to get high again..he has been to rehab 3 or 4 times....So how did I become the depraved one.. I thought we have a disease.
All I know is that I do miss him, need his embrace, his encouragement in my recovery, his smile, his eyes, his touch..... I am depressed, lonely, and so so hurt. I need to know that he does not believe the horrible things he has called me. I can only blame repeated reconditioning to believe that there is no place for anyone you formerly drank with or used drugs with. There was no reason to be cruel as he was...why not an email of regret and gentler language to say that we can't see each other for now or longer?
Last edited by SweetB; 07-15-2011 at 06:25 AM. Reason: grammar, spelling
Best After Date:June 12, 2011
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canadian
Posts: 123
Why be hurt by someone that is not supportive of you saving yourself? It sounds like he doesn't care about you enough to want to even accept that you want to change your life for the better. He is chosing drugs over you and there is nothing you can do about that most likely. He doesn't deserve you and all he will do is keep trying to suck you back in to using if he did talk to you again. You even said so in your post.
You should be the one that is mad and saying those things to him. You can only change yourself, you can't change him.
Hang in there and stay sober and enjoy finding out who you are again. It may take some time(I'm only day 33 and hardly finding out myself too) to even like who you are again. But you will. And you will find you don't need that influence in your life or his abuse to make you happy.
You should be the one that is mad and saying those things to him. You can only change yourself, you can't change him.
Hang in there and stay sober and enjoy finding out who you are again. It may take some time(I'm only day 33 and hardly finding out myself too) to even like who you are again. But you will. And you will find you don't need that influence in your life or his abuse to make you happy.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
A toxic relationship like this one so early in sobriety is probably not a good idea. It seems like maybe you are addicted to the drama and the feelings of this relationship much like a drug.
I've been there. At one point I just had to let go if I wanted any chance of staying sober. "If you love someone, set them free..." If you really care about this person, have some respect for his boundaries, right or wrong.
It might be better to focus solely on recovery right now. Putting so much focus on the pain this relationship is causing you might be blocking you from the real issue, which is getting and staying clean. Sometimes it's easier to focus on that pain rather than deal with our own crap, which can be excruciating work but worth it in the end if we want to get better and begin to grow again.
Hang in there.
Much love.
I've been there. At one point I just had to let go if I wanted any chance of staying sober. "If you love someone, set them free..." If you really care about this person, have some respect for his boundaries, right or wrong.
It might be better to focus solely on recovery right now. Putting so much focus on the pain this relationship is causing you might be blocking you from the real issue, which is getting and staying clean. Sometimes it's easier to focus on that pain rather than deal with our own crap, which can be excruciating work but worth it in the end if we want to get better and begin to grow again.
Hang in there.
Much love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Hi SweetB...from your time line it seems you've only known him for a year and he's spent time (2 months?) in rehab. So basically you've spent about 9-10 months together and all that time on drugs.
It seems to me that the support and relationship you both have was mainly a drug crutch relationship. If you've both been using all that time how much time have you really gotten to know this person sober? Everyone is different when sober! Even you. Maybe this is a good time in your journey to let go of things that could otherwise hinder your recovery and try to find a life within yourself where you can be strong enough to hold a relationship without such hurt and anger. These emotions are definately not good to promote during recovery and will have you back on the wrong track.
Let go of things for a time...get in touch with YOU. Let life travel its course and be patient with the outcome. As said, having a toxic relationship will only make your recovery more difficult.
Wishing you peace and strength.
It seems to me that the support and relationship you both have was mainly a drug crutch relationship. If you've both been using all that time how much time have you really gotten to know this person sober? Everyone is different when sober! Even you. Maybe this is a good time in your journey to let go of things that could otherwise hinder your recovery and try to find a life within yourself where you can be strong enough to hold a relationship without such hurt and anger. These emotions are definately not good to promote during recovery and will have you back on the wrong track.
Let go of things for a time...get in touch with YOU. Let life travel its course and be patient with the outcome. As said, having a toxic relationship will only make your recovery more difficult.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm concerned about your depression you said it was there before the drugs.
Please get medical advice on how to deal with that soon...
The oddest thing happened to me...the man I found so interesting and attractive when I was a drinker...no longer appealed to the new me.
I took a year off from men...in order to work on myself and it was a good thing.
Not all lovers are forever...and some are simply toxic. Who needs negetive relationships' No one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: great lakes
Posts: 101
So sorry for your loss. I can feel your hurt in your post. Im sorry to say this, but it sounds like you were being used for his addiction. Now he's angry and blaming you for the addiction he sought. Maybe its time you got a little angry yourself.
Good idea posting here, keep reaching out. Just don't use!
-peace
Good idea posting here, keep reaching out. Just don't use!
-peace
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi SweetB-
Day 22 is hard - I remember that well.
Try to concentrate on yourself and be easy on yourself.
As you continue to get sober and clean, you're going to change, and with you, the entire world will change too (and everyone in it).
Kjell~
Day 22 is hard - I remember that well.
Try to concentrate on yourself and be easy on yourself.
As you continue to get sober and clean, you're going to change, and with you, the entire world will change too (and everyone in it).
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by SweetB 
On day 22 of sobriety, but not sure if I can get past today. I am so depressed, hurt, angry, and lonely that my friend/lover of over a year will not talk to me and had only the meanest, vilest, words to insult me with... I did not deserve this...and his threats to send police and prosecute if I try to contact him even by email....I know that's not likely , but the idea he even thought of it hurts so deep. While in rehab for 2 months I sent about 8 or 10 emails that supported his recovery. I expressed concern and love. I told him I would get clean before he gets out and I have.
I know that I supplied the drugs we used, he never had any money. I never once complained about the cost....We did meth intraveneously, he sees that as the ultimate depravity....but is addiction to a substance any less serious or depraved if you drink it, snort it, smoke it, or inject it. We did it 2, 3, 4 days a week. We had many other connection of interests, common likes and dislikes, art, cinema, theater, music etc. We both admit to one of the most intense sensual and intimate experiences was experienced in our relationship. We helped each other unload and vent much of what bothered us in life and we expressed gratitude to each other for that....
But I am now some kind of demon. He says the past doesn't matter. that I mean nothing to him now, and that we will never have contact again. Threat of police, insults of ME being the lowest depths of depravity. I have been addicted for only 2 years. I started self medicating for depression....I told him I wanted to get clean and we needed to spend sober time together. He ALWAYS backed out of sober plans. When I had been sober for many days , sometimes weeks, he convinced me to get high again..he has been to rehab 3 or 4 times....So how did I become the depraved one.. I thought we have a disease.
All I know is that I do miss him, need his embrace, his encouragement in my recovery, his smile, his eyes, his touch..... I am depressed, lonely, and so so hurt. I need to know that he does not believe the horrible things he has called me. I can only blame repeated reconditioning to believe that there is no place for anyone you formerly drank with or used drugs with. There was no reason to be cruel as he was...why not an email of regret and gentler language to say that we can't see each other for now or longer?
I know that I supplied the drugs we used, he never had any money. I never once complained about the cost....We did meth intraveneously, he sees that as the ultimate depravity....but is addiction to a substance any less serious or depraved if you drink it, snort it, smoke it, or inject it. We did it 2, 3, 4 days a week. We had many other connection of interests, common likes and dislikes, art, cinema, theater, music etc. We both admit to one of the most intense sensual and intimate experiences was experienced in our relationship. We helped each other unload and vent much of what bothered us in life and we expressed gratitude to each other for that....
But I am now some kind of demon. He says the past doesn't matter. that I mean nothing to him now, and that we will never have contact again. Threat of police, insults of ME being the lowest depths of depravity. I have been addicted for only 2 years. I started self medicating for depression....I told him I wanted to get clean and we needed to spend sober time together. He ALWAYS backed out of sober plans. When I had been sober for many days , sometimes weeks, he convinced me to get high again..he has been to rehab 3 or 4 times....So how did I become the depraved one.. I thought we have a disease.
All I know is that I do miss him, need his embrace, his encouragement in my recovery, his smile, his eyes, his touch..... I am depressed, lonely, and so so hurt. I need to know that he does not believe the horrible things he has called me. I can only blame repeated reconditioning to believe that there is no place for anyone you formerly drank with or used drugs with. There was no reason to be cruel as he was...why not an email of regret and gentler language to say that we can't see each other for now or longer?
It sounds like he's lashing out at you because you're getting sober. Without someone to use with, he can see his own behavior more clearly. He's scared. He's doing what he can to pull you back down because then he'll feel safe again.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
Some of you sound as if he you understood him to still be using...As far as I know he just got out of rehab and is clean too. I said I could accept this if he just appologized for the way he trashed me... and would talk to me in a gentler fashion. I just want some reassuring contact and to know he cares. I know he really does... I want to know that he doesn't think I am some depraved drug supplier. I think rehab has drilled this into him, and he is easily influenced if not a bit weak minded.
As for being high much of the time we spent... we really did have amazing moments of understanding... often talked things trough for hours.... he told me I helped him gain better communication with his mother. I made him feel more comfortable about issues of self image that often gave him anxiety attacks, and helped him greater accept his bisexuality.
He helped me feel alive again after a long uncontrollable period of bipolar cycling... that had resurfaced by a tragic unexpected break up of a 15 year relationship. I had been on mood stabllizers, anti anxiety, and anti depressants when I met him...but I had self medicated over that with meth. He had been regularly using coke, alcohol, and meth when we met.
I had meetings with many guys and tried to fill that empty feeling of lonliness. When we met there was an instant feeling. I must admit he said, "don't fall in love with me". I couldn't help it and soon he responded and said he cared so much for me and finally admitted to loving me too. While meth can certainly be an aphrodisiac, niether of us had ever felt such a connection with any other man while on meth or not on meth. We are both clean now.
So how could he be convinced to behave in such a manner to me. If he needs to avoid me for a while, why not be civil and do what is nexcessary? He knows I am very sensitive and that the words he wrote to me would devastate me. It's hard enough to not see him anymore...but to shrug off such insolence from someone that cared for you and you cared for is heartbreaking. I leaves me to think and remember him so poorly and without a genuine good nature.
As for being high much of the time we spent... we really did have amazing moments of understanding... often talked things trough for hours.... he told me I helped him gain better communication with his mother. I made him feel more comfortable about issues of self image that often gave him anxiety attacks, and helped him greater accept his bisexuality.
He helped me feel alive again after a long uncontrollable period of bipolar cycling... that had resurfaced by a tragic unexpected break up of a 15 year relationship. I had been on mood stabllizers, anti anxiety, and anti depressants when I met him...but I had self medicated over that with meth. He had been regularly using coke, alcohol, and meth when we met.
I had meetings with many guys and tried to fill that empty feeling of lonliness. When we met there was an instant feeling. I must admit he said, "don't fall in love with me". I couldn't help it and soon he responded and said he cared so much for me and finally admitted to loving me too. While meth can certainly be an aphrodisiac, niether of us had ever felt such a connection with any other man while on meth or not on meth. We are both clean now.
So how could he be convinced to behave in such a manner to me. If he needs to avoid me for a while, why not be civil and do what is nexcessary? He knows I am very sensitive and that the words he wrote to me would devastate me. It's hard enough to not see him anymore...but to shrug off such insolence from someone that cared for you and you cared for is heartbreaking. I leaves me to think and remember him so poorly and without a genuine good nature.
Last edited by SweetB; 07-15-2011 at 06:48 PM. Reason: puntuation
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
I have absolutely no idea what kind of program...I assume 12 step...he had not contacted me for 2 months. Then he finally responded with that hateful email....and nothing else in 2 weeks now...He seemed to have liked 12 in his past rehabs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
((SweetB))
You hang in there and do not drink or use. Focus on your recovery. I know you are hurt and words do hurt, but let them for for now and keep the focus on you.
Give him space, don't contact him. If this is meant to be, he will contact you.
Stay strong.
You hang in there and do not drink or use. Focus on your recovery. I know you are hurt and words do hurt, but let them for for now and keep the focus on you.
Give him space, don't contact him. If this is meant to be, he will contact you.
Stay strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Unfortunately people can be cruel vicious and unfair sometimes...especially when ending relationships.
Thats not something limited to alcoholic or addicts.
I'm sorry you've been hurt and continue to hurt SweetB...but I'm pleased you're focusing on yourself and your recovery.
I hope you'll continue to move through this and find some peace
D
Thats not something limited to alcoholic or addicts.
I'm sorry you've been hurt and continue to hurt SweetB...but I'm pleased you're focusing on yourself and your recovery.
I hope you'll continue to move through this and find some peace
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: United states
Posts: 200
Losing a friend hurts! In the end though you can't make someone stay. Try not to imprison yourself in frustration. It's been said many times that everything happens for a reason. Put faith in your higher power to lead you to the right outcome.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
Thank you all again...losing a friend does hurt...making someone stay is really not the issue...the anger that he has for me is the issue....we vowed to remain friends after our physical relationship might come to an end. I am an aetheist, and my higher power has always been the cohesiveness that is possible, although often not realized, of the human race,..... but in the smaller unions of people it is somewhat more attainable by the practice of truth, trust, and loyalty. Bonding more securely, as the unions get smaller ....till we reach the units of family and close friends.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
continued....
of course these bonds sometimes dissolve and sometimes reamain strong. To deny, discredit, and disrespect their existence is demeaning to the person or people, that such time was shared with.
of course these bonds sometimes dissolve and sometimes reamain strong. To deny, discredit, and disrespect their existence is demeaning to the person or people, that such time was shared with.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
my heart aches because it makes me believe that the capability is not there to totally feel love or even acknowledge feelings....or his fear of being hurt causes his defensiveness, or a nuturing love was missing at a critical time in his development from child to adult. Maybe he abandons, before he gets abandoned. Or a combination of any or all of these things and the issues it could cause in a man that I hate to believe is evil deep down.
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