Do i stay or save myself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6
Do i stay or save myself?
Hello everyone,
My names courtney and im 22. I've never really posted to a forum before but i just don't know where else to look and i would love some insight on how to work through my current situation. I am a recovering addict and about a month ago my now ex pretty much broke it off with me (well..said she needed space and i know what that means..). A week before we were looking at places to move into together and i just thought that she was the one. So after that happened i hit rock bottom and had pretty much been the living dead for a few weeks. Well after living like that i got sick of it and for the first time in a long time i wanted to get better and work on myself and my own happiness. i realized that it wasnt the end of the world and for a few days i've been keeping myself occupied and doing great. Well this afternoon i got a call from my now ex and she hadn't called in weeks so of course i was happy and a little piece of me was ready for her to just take me back because i feel like i have made a change for the better but she sounded different. I asked her if she had used because we were both recovering addicts (her a coke addict and me a marijuana addict) and she said she didnt do coke.."just heroin"...now i dont know how to feel. I never wanted to be completely out of her life because i do love and care for her so much, we've been through alot but i know that if i stick around i risk getting hurt and falling back into addiction heavily. But i feel so selfish for wanting to walk away from it because while we were together i did drugs behind her back but her leaving made me realize i needed to straighten up because i had lost what i thought was the love of my life...now she is back and on drugs and i dont want to do that anymore. Do i continue to answer her phone calls and be there or just clean my hands of it and save myself?
My names courtney and im 22. I've never really posted to a forum before but i just don't know where else to look and i would love some insight on how to work through my current situation. I am a recovering addict and about a month ago my now ex pretty much broke it off with me (well..said she needed space and i know what that means..). A week before we were looking at places to move into together and i just thought that she was the one. So after that happened i hit rock bottom and had pretty much been the living dead for a few weeks. Well after living like that i got sick of it and for the first time in a long time i wanted to get better and work on myself and my own happiness. i realized that it wasnt the end of the world and for a few days i've been keeping myself occupied and doing great. Well this afternoon i got a call from my now ex and she hadn't called in weeks so of course i was happy and a little piece of me was ready for her to just take me back because i feel like i have made a change for the better but she sounded different. I asked her if she had used because we were both recovering addicts (her a coke addict and me a marijuana addict) and she said she didnt do coke.."just heroin"...now i dont know how to feel. I never wanted to be completely out of her life because i do love and care for her so much, we've been through alot but i know that if i stick around i risk getting hurt and falling back into addiction heavily. But i feel so selfish for wanting to walk away from it because while we were together i did drugs behind her back but her leaving made me realize i needed to straighten up because i had lost what i thought was the love of my life...now she is back and on drugs and i dont want to do that anymore. Do i continue to answer her phone calls and be there or just clean my hands of it and save myself?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 89
I would suggest you walk away from her. The relationship already ended and you sound like you had some closure... and then she comes back. I can't believe she said she had done "JUST heroin." That's just as bad as cocaine if not worse. You don't need to be entangled with her again.
Answer her next phone call and tell her that you wish her the best and you love her, but that it's not healthy for you two to be together right now. Move on with your life and urge her to move on with hers. It will be hard but staying alive and healthy is the most important thing.
I know it sounds harsh to say just give up on a relationship, but I was ready to give up on my 9 year marriage just a couple months ago so I know when enough is enough and when it's time for a second chance. My husband made promises to be better and he kept every single one, because he knows there are no more chances. I don't know how in love with this girl you are, and if life without her seems impossible, that would be one thing. But it sounds like you had moved on before she came slinking back. Stay strong and hold your ground, for your own sake.
Answer her next phone call and tell her that you wish her the best and you love her, but that it's not healthy for you two to be together right now. Move on with your life and urge her to move on with hers. It will be hard but staying alive and healthy is the most important thing.
I know it sounds harsh to say just give up on a relationship, but I was ready to give up on my 9 year marriage just a couple months ago so I know when enough is enough and when it's time for a second chance. My husband made promises to be better and he kept every single one, because he knows there are no more chances. I don't know how in love with this girl you are, and if life without her seems impossible, that would be one thing. But it sounds like you had moved on before she came slinking back. Stay strong and hold your ground, for your own sake.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I spent a lot of time in my life trying to change other people. Trying to save them, trying to get them to meet my needs. I spent a lot of time in my life making other people my Higher Power instead of letting my Higher Power be in that role.
I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and worrying about others when I should have been working on myself and my issues and my career and my education.
I regret those times when I chose to sacrifice myself to try to take care of others and change them. It just never worked out well for me, and I always ended up hurt. Sometimes the other people ended up hurt too.
I went to a therapist who specialized in addiction and ACOA types of problems and she really opened my eyes to how I was creating drama in my life just because I was so used to emergencies and drama growing up. It felt familiar to me. She helped me see the high price I was paying to try to "rescue" others who didn't want to be rescued.
She helped me recognize what a healthy relationship was and what an unhealthy relationship was. It was hard work. Sometimes I heard things that I didn't want to hear.
I think that you know deep in your heart, what the right answer is for you and for your own healing. (((HUGS)))
I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and worrying about others when I should have been working on myself and my issues and my career and my education.
I regret those times when I chose to sacrifice myself to try to take care of others and change them. It just never worked out well for me, and I always ended up hurt. Sometimes the other people ended up hurt too.
I went to a therapist who specialized in addiction and ACOA types of problems and she really opened my eyes to how I was creating drama in my life just because I was so used to emergencies and drama growing up. It felt familiar to me. She helped me see the high price I was paying to try to "rescue" others who didn't want to be rescued.
She helped me recognize what a healthy relationship was and what an unhealthy relationship was. It was hard work. Sometimes I heard things that I didn't want to hear.
I think that you know deep in your heart, what the right answer is for you and for your own healing. (((HUGS)))
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Wow. I can tell this is a really tough situation for you to be in. IMO You need to hold onto your recovery, putting it (and yourself) above all. I know it sounds easier said than done but is it worth falling back into drugs after you've made a great commitment to yourself? Drugs will cause nothing but misery in the end as I am sure you know. I wish I could give you better advice/insight but I am early into my own recovery & in no position to do so.
Wanted to let you know that this is an amazing place, full of support and I am sure others will be along to maybe give you better insight.
-Jess
Edit - Now seeing others have arrived
Good luck to you
Wanted to let you know that this is an amazing place, full of support and I am sure others will be along to maybe give you better insight.
-Jess
Edit - Now seeing others have arrived
Good luck to you
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I just replied to your other thread.
Save yourself. She's not ready, but it sounds like you are. You can't do anything for her and you risk falling back into your old patterns if you get back with her. The best thing for YOU is to block her from your phone, email or any other communication device.
Save yourself. She's not ready, but it sounds like you are. You can't do anything for her and you risk falling back into your old patterns if you get back with her. The best thing for YOU is to block her from your phone, email or any other communication device.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR
Sometimes the only way to save someone else is to save ourselves.
If you are not clean and sober how much good are you to either one of you? How long will the relationship last that way? How long do you think it would be before you to wound up using again?
It is very difficult to be in a relationship where one person uses and another doesn't. An AA friend of mine with over 35 years sober lives with a normal drinker and it is still sometimes hard on her to be around that. This is a man who rarely takes more than one or two drinks in a setting. I could not image living with someone who was in an active addiction.
I had to learn the hard way in sobriety that sometimes the only way to get sober is to leave our past behind and sometimes that means people we love and care for very much. We can not change others but we can change ourselves. I have learned that someone who truly loves and cares about me is happy to be supportive and encouraging when I am doing things to better myself or improve my life. That goes for getting clean and sober as well. I lost many "friends" and a couple "lovers" in sobriety because they would not or could not accept the fact that to save myself I had to be clean and sober. It is always sad to see a person who has been a part of my life go but I also recognize that there is a season to every relationship some relationships don't make it through the season of Winter storms and wind up dying.
I would encourage you to do what you feel is right inside of you. I do suggest though that you remember you can not save anyone if you yourself are drowning so it is important that you be strong in your sobriety before you attempt to save someone else. That does not mean you can not say something like I am working on sobriety now and if you are willing to do so as well maybe we can help each other by attending meetings together and see where things go once we have some sober time in as far as a relationship goes until then maybe we should just work on our friendship. That puts the ball in her court. She can then choose you and sobriety or to walk away. Either way it is her choice what she does and not your responsibility.
Sometimes the only way to save someone else is to save ourselves.
If you are not clean and sober how much good are you to either one of you? How long will the relationship last that way? How long do you think it would be before you to wound up using again?
It is very difficult to be in a relationship where one person uses and another doesn't. An AA friend of mine with over 35 years sober lives with a normal drinker and it is still sometimes hard on her to be around that. This is a man who rarely takes more than one or two drinks in a setting. I could not image living with someone who was in an active addiction.
I had to learn the hard way in sobriety that sometimes the only way to get sober is to leave our past behind and sometimes that means people we love and care for very much. We can not change others but we can change ourselves. I have learned that someone who truly loves and cares about me is happy to be supportive and encouraging when I am doing things to better myself or improve my life. That goes for getting clean and sober as well. I lost many "friends" and a couple "lovers" in sobriety because they would not or could not accept the fact that to save myself I had to be clean and sober. It is always sad to see a person who has been a part of my life go but I also recognize that there is a season to every relationship some relationships don't make it through the season of Winter storms and wind up dying.
I would encourage you to do what you feel is right inside of you. I do suggest though that you remember you can not save anyone if you yourself are drowning so it is important that you be strong in your sobriety before you attempt to save someone else. That does not mean you can not say something like I am working on sobriety now and if you are willing to do so as well maybe we can help each other by attending meetings together and see where things go once we have some sober time in as far as a relationship goes until then maybe we should just work on our friendship. That puts the ball in her court. She can then choose you and sobriety or to walk away. Either way it is her choice what she does and not your responsibility.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Thanks to all of you who have responded, i have gotten something out of all the things you have said. I cant believe i got so many responses so quick..it definitely helps when you know that you aren't alone. I think the best thing for me to do is completely cut her out of my life, no contact whatsoever because i'm too weak when it comes to her and i know that. The only way to get over it is to rid my life of it. Selfish maybe but i'm only 22 and i feel like i've still got so much to do and see. It's far too early to go.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 20
I'm 21 and trying to figure out the best way to deal with my bf's ketamine addiction and what I'm coming to realise could be my own unhealthy attitude towards drugs.
It sometimes feels a bit like you just bring out the worst in each other and that maybe you need to be apart for a while to each work on yourselves.
It feels really hard when you're quite young as well, I don't know about you but sometimes a bit of me feels slightly resentful of the fact that I'm going through something which feels so difficult when I feel like it shouldn't be something I have to deal with all the time?
I'm trying to cut contact as well but I worry so much and feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him. But whatever they choose to do, you don't really have any influence over that and the way they live their life is ultimately their choice. It sounds like you're doing really well for yourself so focus on that, no matter how hard it is.
I've just joined this site too and I'm amazed at how much it's helped. Good luck with everything xx
It sometimes feels a bit like you just bring out the worst in each other and that maybe you need to be apart for a while to each work on yourselves.
It feels really hard when you're quite young as well, I don't know about you but sometimes a bit of me feels slightly resentful of the fact that I'm going through something which feels so difficult when I feel like it shouldn't be something I have to deal with all the time?
I'm trying to cut contact as well but I worry so much and feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him. But whatever they choose to do, you don't really have any influence over that and the way they live their life is ultimately their choice. It sounds like you're doing really well for yourself so focus on that, no matter how hard it is.
I've just joined this site too and I'm amazed at how much it's helped. Good luck with everything xx
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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You've gotten lots of good advice here grl and it sounds like you know what is the right thing for you to do. You have a lot of wisdom for a 22 year old and I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I'm glad you posted. As a 38 year old, I'd say save yourself, life has taught me that you can't really 'save' or change other people, they can only save themselves. That has been one of my hardest lessons and I wish I'd learned it earlier. It may feel 'selfish', it isn't in the entire scheme of things.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
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Originally Posted by grlinterrupted 
Do i continue to answer her phone calls and be there or just clean my hands of it and save myself?
So all that remains is - do you set yourself up for a fall or not?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Originally Posted by grlinterrupted
Thanks to all of you who have responded, i have gotten something out of all the things you have said. I cant believe i got so many responses so quick..it definitely helps when you know that you aren't alone. I think the best thing for me to do is completely cut her out of my life, no contact whatsoever because i'm too weak when it comes to her and i know that. The only way to get over it is to rid my life of it. Selfish maybe but i'm only 22 and i feel like i've still got so much to do and see. It's far too early to go.
All of us here want a good life for you, we want a life for you free from the nightmare of addictions and pain.
You are doing absolutely the right thing. Don't feel guilty one bit. In fact if anything you are helping your former partner to realize there is a problem and with any luck, she will go seek help and help herself. So you might very well be helping her more than you will ever know, by doing this. In fact I'm sure of it. So no guilt! Just do what you have to do to save your own life.
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