what to tell wino mother?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
what to tell wino mother?
Hi, so as Ive said before, I'm new. This is my third sober day. I desperately need to stop drinking.
For a little background.... My mother and my father were both heavy drinkers as I was growing up. They were sort of absentee parents. There financially, never emotionally, never around for guidance. Regrettably, I see myself following their footsteps. I need to stop the cycle while my children are still young and there is still hope for me to be a good mother.
Well, my parents split up about 4 years ago. My dad addressed his issues with alcoholism and has a little over a year of sobriety. My mom found a new man (about 300 miles away) and they are getting married. She drinks less when she is with him but she uses coming here as an excuse to get wasted. He doesn't come when she visits and she doesn't feel the need to hold back.....
My mom is coming into town tomorrow for her bachelorette party (at a local winery). Its a picnic, music, and local wine sort of thing. Then she is staying the night at my house.
Normally we would each have a bottle of wine, bottle and 1/2 of wine each. Not to mention the winery part.....
I guess my question is do I make up a white lie about why I'm not drinking?, or do I tell her the truth..... that I'm on the line, or have crossed the line of alcoholism and need to stop?
Perhaps I'll just say No? and if she pushes the matter explain myself.
The bigger question is most likely... how to abstain from such a wine abundant weekend when I'm going through withdrawl..........
ps sorry for typos & fractured sentances.....hoping my mind comes back with sobriety......
For a little background.... My mother and my father were both heavy drinkers as I was growing up. They were sort of absentee parents. There financially, never emotionally, never around for guidance. Regrettably, I see myself following their footsteps. I need to stop the cycle while my children are still young and there is still hope for me to be a good mother.
Well, my parents split up about 4 years ago. My dad addressed his issues with alcoholism and has a little over a year of sobriety. My mom found a new man (about 300 miles away) and they are getting married. She drinks less when she is with him but she uses coming here as an excuse to get wasted. He doesn't come when she visits and she doesn't feel the need to hold back.....
My mom is coming into town tomorrow for her bachelorette party (at a local winery). Its a picnic, music, and local wine sort of thing. Then she is staying the night at my house.
Normally we would each have a bottle of wine, bottle and 1/2 of wine each. Not to mention the winery part.....
I guess my question is do I make up a white lie about why I'm not drinking?, or do I tell her the truth..... that I'm on the line, or have crossed the line of alcoholism and need to stop?
Perhaps I'll just say No? and if she pushes the matter explain myself.
The bigger question is most likely... how to abstain from such a wine abundant weekend when I'm going through withdrawl..........
ps sorry for typos & fractured sentances.....hoping my mind comes back with sobriety......
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
You have my thoughts and prayers, blackbird - that's a lot to deal with at only three days sober (congratulations, by the way!)
Obviously your mom is going to expect you to be drinking, so it's really up to you how to explain it. I think the truth is always best (especially after years of covering up our problem), but I usually avoid the word "alcoholism" because of the stereotypical image people get. I've only told a few close friends and family members - and have told them things like "I didn't want to start depending on alcohol" or "I was headed for problems." Really, it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
The bigger concern really is staying sober while all this is going on. You can do it, you really can, but you probably need to think about having a plan and/or setting some boundaries. In other words, do what you need to do for YOU first and foremost.
Obviously your mom is going to expect you to be drinking, so it's really up to you how to explain it. I think the truth is always best (especially after years of covering up our problem), but I usually avoid the word "alcoholism" because of the stereotypical image people get. I've only told a few close friends and family members - and have told them things like "I didn't want to start depending on alcohol" or "I was headed for problems." Really, it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
The bigger concern really is staying sober while all this is going on. You can do it, you really can, but you probably need to think about having a plan and/or setting some boundaries. In other words, do what you need to do for YOU first and foremost.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 96
Good job!
On getting to 3 days. The first were the hardest for me.
A bachelorette party is certainly not the easiest event early in the process to have to attend and abstain. I'm assuming since it's your mom it would be impossible for you to skip it entirely. I think it's fine to just say no but it may be easier to either have a reason that she'll understand and accept (one I used when I was pregnant and didn't want to tell anyone yet, but knew they would be suspicious if I didn't drink and didn't have another excuse: I'm on antibiotics for a minor infection and I can't drink while I am taking them) OR just tell her whatever version of the truth your are comfortable with - "I've been cutting back on my drinking lately," "I've stopped drinking because it wasn't healthy for me anymore," whatever rings true that you think she'll respect.
I think the bigger issue is making sure that you have some support for not drinking for YOU. Good luck!
A bachelorette party is certainly not the easiest event early in the process to have to attend and abstain. I'm assuming since it's your mom it would be impossible for you to skip it entirely. I think it's fine to just say no but it may be easier to either have a reason that she'll understand and accept (one I used when I was pregnant and didn't want to tell anyone yet, but knew they would be suspicious if I didn't drink and didn't have another excuse: I'm on antibiotics for a minor infection and I can't drink while I am taking them) OR just tell her whatever version of the truth your are comfortable with - "I've been cutting back on my drinking lately," "I've stopped drinking because it wasn't healthy for me anymore," whatever rings true that you think she'll respect.
I think the bigger issue is making sure that you have some support for not drinking for YOU. Good luck!
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi blackbird-- I agree with artsoul about the importance of making a plan. I think you should do whatever makes you most comfortable.
I have a similar situation to yours but did not see my mother until I had quit for 3 months. I decided to say as little as possible about my quitting because I did not want to deal with questions or resistance especially because I felt certain she would tell me I was being ridiculous to think I needed to quit (since it might suggest she, a heavier drinker, should as well). I just said I wasn't drinking now and in time i realized she assumed it was a diet.
Now I am 14 months sober and we still have never discussed why I quit and she has never been considerate of it (for example there is nothing but alcohol and water to drink at the house even if I ask for something, so I make sure to bring my own soda or other beverages when I visit). I am not sure what is best for your situation but for mine I has been necessary to safeguard/protect my sobriety as much as possible and one major way has been to not give any opportunities to potential underminers.
Do whatever you need to do-- we are here for you.
I have a similar situation to yours but did not see my mother until I had quit for 3 months. I decided to say as little as possible about my quitting because I did not want to deal with questions or resistance especially because I felt certain she would tell me I was being ridiculous to think I needed to quit (since it might suggest she, a heavier drinker, should as well). I just said I wasn't drinking now and in time i realized she assumed it was a diet.
Now I am 14 months sober and we still have never discussed why I quit and she has never been considerate of it (for example there is nothing but alcohol and water to drink at the house even if I ask for something, so I make sure to bring my own soda or other beverages when I visit). I am not sure what is best for your situation but for mine I has been necessary to safeguard/protect my sobriety as much as possible and one major way has been to not give any opportunities to potential underminers.
Do whatever you need to do-- we are here for you.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
And as for the bigger question about the event I believe you should do whatever protects your recovery there too. Say you have the flu, even. I don't advocate lying in most situations but at 3 days I think you should do whatever protects you.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Boy that is tough if you are shaky in your sobriety, and difficult at best if you are determined but at day three of your sobriety. Your real issue is the drinking at the party and then at home later. First thing I would do is to start examining options, not choosing one yet.
I would call the winery and ask if they have alcohol free drinks like grape juice and sodas for those who don't drink. I would NOT claim I was the daughter of the bride just a guest that was wondering. Why? Because in the end if you decide you can't go or won't, then you will have set in motion something they may not have had on hand otherwise.
If they do or can have grape juice for you, then you might consider telling your mom that you just quit drinking, that you will attend the bachelorette but if at all possible could she either not drink at home in front of you, or if you think you can handle it, I didn't say should handle it, I said think you can, then have non-alcoholic drinks ready for you to endure not drinking with mom.
In any event this is your Mom's bachelorette and a singular event in her life. It is not your place to spoil it for her, nor is it her place to spoil your newfound sobriety.
I would have a talk with her beforehand. It can be as simple as you attend and she can stay with a drinking friend to continue drinking later. Another option which is the course I would take is to let her know ahead of time and, that so her night isn't spoiled, that it would be best if she stay elsewhere this time. But that drinking or not, winery or not, you will be there to honor her. Then slip out after making your appearance and before you cave if you feel that coming on. But plan to leave after making your appearance not to try to tough it out.
Just remember that this is not about her at all. It is not a preaching pulpit or a way to get her to quit too. And if she is an alcoholic she might see it that way. If so don't bite. Just tell her that you are there for her, just not drinking for her.
The bacelorette and Bachelor parties are traditional binges. At least they were for me.
Why not give her a call now and ask her what she suggests so that you two can share the monent without you imposing on her or vice versa.
By all means if you need to skip it for the sake of your sobriety, call her and tell her why.
Your choices, and your responsibility for your sobriety.
May not be as tough to make that call as you think.
I would call the winery and ask if they have alcohol free drinks like grape juice and sodas for those who don't drink. I would NOT claim I was the daughter of the bride just a guest that was wondering. Why? Because in the end if you decide you can't go or won't, then you will have set in motion something they may not have had on hand otherwise.
If they do or can have grape juice for you, then you might consider telling your mom that you just quit drinking, that you will attend the bachelorette but if at all possible could she either not drink at home in front of you, or if you think you can handle it, I didn't say should handle it, I said think you can, then have non-alcoholic drinks ready for you to endure not drinking with mom.
In any event this is your Mom's bachelorette and a singular event in her life. It is not your place to spoil it for her, nor is it her place to spoil your newfound sobriety.
I would have a talk with her beforehand. It can be as simple as you attend and she can stay with a drinking friend to continue drinking later. Another option which is the course I would take is to let her know ahead of time and, that so her night isn't spoiled, that it would be best if she stay elsewhere this time. But that drinking or not, winery or not, you will be there to honor her. Then slip out after making your appearance and before you cave if you feel that coming on. But plan to leave after making your appearance not to try to tough it out.
Just remember that this is not about her at all. It is not a preaching pulpit or a way to get her to quit too. And if she is an alcoholic she might see it that way. If so don't bite. Just tell her that you are there for her, just not drinking for her.
The bacelorette and Bachelor parties are traditional binges. At least they were for me.
Why not give her a call now and ask her what she suggests so that you two can share the monent without you imposing on her or vice versa.
By all means if you need to skip it for the sake of your sobriety, call her and tell her why.
Your choices, and your responsibility for your sobriety.
May not be as tough to make that call as you think.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Thanks so much for the replies. This is really a great group of people. Y'all are right about needing a plan, I think I'll just stay vague about it... say I feel ill (but still go... kind of have to)... I will call ahead to see if there will be other beverages and sneak in my own if theres not! If she wants to drink at my house I'll let her, if anything, I think it'll remind me of why I want to quit!
I was keeping my thoughts about this weekend to myself... and this forum.... but decided to open up to my husband about my worries (we've been having problems *suprise*suprise* because of my drinking)
I told him that I was "worried about being able to stay sober this weekend.... I have three days under my belt..."
His response was to just "start over on Monday"....
Really?!!!! I was a little offended! I don't want to start over! I've said "tomorrow" too many times. gah. Thought he wanted me to quit just as badly as I do!
Oh stinking well. The only person you can change is yourself right?
I was keeping my thoughts about this weekend to myself... and this forum.... but decided to open up to my husband about my worries (we've been having problems *suprise*suprise* because of my drinking)
I told him that I was "worried about being able to stay sober this weekend.... I have three days under my belt..."
His response was to just "start over on Monday"....
Really?!!!! I was a little offended! I don't want to start over! I've said "tomorrow" too many times. gah. Thought he wanted me to quit just as badly as I do!
Oh stinking well. The only person you can change is yourself right?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
YES! The only person you can change is you, and you know that you want and need to change.
Personally, I don't like the idea of lying. Telling lies was my way to stay alive as a child and I continued to lie as an adult, often about inconsequential things. So, being honest with myself and in my life is really important to me. And, that doesn't mean you need to tell your mother, or anyone, about your choice to not drink. I think it's about empowering yourself and believing that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to what you are drinking.
Personally, I don't like the idea of lying. Telling lies was my way to stay alive as a child and I continued to lie as an adult, often about inconsequential things. So, being honest with myself and in my life is really important to me. And, that doesn't mean you need to tell your mother, or anyone, about your choice to not drink. I think it's about empowering yourself and believing that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to what you are drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi bblackbirdflyy
A bachelorette party on day three?
Do you really need to go would be my first question - I know it's your mom...but...
I guess if you have to go - have a plan - cover every eventuality you can think of - what to drink, always have a full glass with you, have whatever response you're using to the 'why aren't you drinking' question easy, look for anyone else not drinking and stick with them...
and if all else fails take your own transport, so you can leave when you want.
This is important - you know it's not as simple as a do-over monday, even if others think it is
if you decide to go, good luck - we're all in your corner...you're not alone
D
A bachelorette party on day three?
Do you really need to go would be my first question - I know it's your mom...but...
I guess if you have to go - have a plan - cover every eventuality you can think of - what to drink, always have a full glass with you, have whatever response you're using to the 'why aren't you drinking' question easy, look for anyone else not drinking and stick with them...
and if all else fails take your own transport, so you can leave when you want.
This is important - you know it's not as simple as a do-over monday, even if others think it is
if you decide to go, good luck - we're all in your corner...you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 227
I would certainly take your own car if possible or make sure you have a number of a taxi. If things get too much you can get out.
Truth vs Lie be it white lie or part truth - I think all are fine. Do whatever you need to do...
I'm on day 4 and I am very protective over my sobriety - it's self-preservation.
Truth vs Lie be it white lie or part truth - I think all are fine. Do whatever you need to do...
I'm on day 4 and I am very protective over my sobriety - it's self-preservation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Hi all!
I actually did really well. I did not drink. I just said I'm following a strict diet (which Is totally believable because I have the pounds to lose (10-12 beers 4-5x a week adds up!)
I'm not gonna lie, at first it was suuuuuper tempting. But as the afternoon went on and others got pretty drunk, I realized that "normal" me would have had 2 bottles of wine under her belt and would have been acting a drunk, fat, fool. Even worse than my party counterparts.
It also helped that there was a severe storm heading our way and the afternoon was cut short.... thank God for small favors.
My mom brought 2 bottles of wine with her (i was a red and she is a white. I just sent that bottle of wine right back with her to wisconsin. She was too drunk to ask questions.... yaya me.
However, her wedding is in 2 weeks,,,, yet another booze filled event. At least my sister (just had a baby and is on the wagon (for now)) will be there to be my sober counter-part.
I woke up this am on day six of sobriety and couldn't be happier with myself.
thanks again for your words of wisdom!
I actually did really well. I did not drink. I just said I'm following a strict diet (which Is totally believable because I have the pounds to lose (10-12 beers 4-5x a week adds up!)
I'm not gonna lie, at first it was suuuuuper tempting. But as the afternoon went on and others got pretty drunk, I realized that "normal" me would have had 2 bottles of wine under her belt and would have been acting a drunk, fat, fool. Even worse than my party counterparts.
It also helped that there was a severe storm heading our way and the afternoon was cut short.... thank God for small favors.
My mom brought 2 bottles of wine with her (i was a red and she is a white. I just sent that bottle of wine right back with her to wisconsin. She was too drunk to ask questions.... yaya me.
However, her wedding is in 2 weeks,,,, yet another booze filled event. At least my sister (just had a baby and is on the wagon (for now)) will be there to be my sober counter-part.
I woke up this am on day six of sobriety and couldn't be happier with myself.
thanks again for your words of wisdom!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hey Congrats! That's huge! Yeah you
As for your husband...he just doesn't understand, that's ok, just focus on you. You've made it through a really hard thing to attempt in early sobriety, give your self a pat on the back and use it to give you confidence coming into this wedding.
P.S. - Using diet as an excuse at the wedding might not work, I tell people (when I don't want to actually discuss it) that I took a break from drinking, realized I really didn't like it and don't drink anymore. Which is true (in part).
As for your husband...he just doesn't understand, that's ok, just focus on you. You've made it through a really hard thing to attempt in early sobriety, give your self a pat on the back and use it to give you confidence coming into this wedding.
P.S. - Using diet as an excuse at the wedding might not work, I tell people (when I don't want to actually discuss it) that I took a break from drinking, realized I really didn't like it and don't drink anymore. Which is true (in part).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
i hear you that I should just tell the truth... " I don't like drinking anymore and its not for me." just seemed easier at that time to tell a white lie.
Hopefully when wedding time comes around I'll be confident enough to tell people, :i'm just done with it"
Hopefully when wedding time comes around I'll be confident enough to tell people, :i'm just done with it"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
bblackbird, you didn't tell a lie. You are really following a diet: a non-alcoholic diet. I follow that same diet; it is very healthy and makes me lose pounds!! It is a revolutionary diet!!!
I have noticed that usually nobody minds why I am not drinking. I usually say: "it is not good for me" or "I don't want to drink", and nobody asks further. If I go to a party, I grab a glass of tonic (or coke) and nobody knows if I'm drinking tonic only or a gin-tonic. So there are no questions.
VEry glad it worked, because it was a quite difficult situation.
I have noticed that usually nobody minds why I am not drinking. I usually say: "it is not good for me" or "I don't want to drink", and nobody asks further. If I go to a party, I grab a glass of tonic (or coke) and nobody knows if I'm drinking tonic only or a gin-tonic. So there are no questions.
VEry glad it worked, because it was a quite difficult situation.
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