Need help with bf
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Need help with bf
Good morning,
This is my post to this site. I am feeling a bit desperate...I have never dealt with an alcoholic before. I grew up in a pretty sheltered suburban upbringing. I've barely seen my parents drink a glass of wine. There are a lot of things I could write about...but here is where I will start. My boyfriend and I live together and he has a serious drinking problem, more than he will admit to or realize. Its come to a point where I become unbearably anxious knowing he is out at a bar, or I become passive aggressive if we are out and he starts drinking more than a beer. I have been through so much pain and hurt from the things he does and says while drinking that I feel its a natural reaction....but I just do not know how to control my anxiety and depression. Does anyone have any experience in being able to let go here, to not feel this emotions so strongly while not try to control the alcoholic? I know that I shouldn't try to control him...its very difficult when I am the one who will be affected by him coming in late at night being an a$$hole and keeping me up for hours, when I have work and school the next day. Thanks so much for any advice and/or support.
This is my post to this site. I am feeling a bit desperate...I have never dealt with an alcoholic before. I grew up in a pretty sheltered suburban upbringing. I've barely seen my parents drink a glass of wine. There are a lot of things I could write about...but here is where I will start. My boyfriend and I live together and he has a serious drinking problem, more than he will admit to or realize. Its come to a point where I become unbearably anxious knowing he is out at a bar, or I become passive aggressive if we are out and he starts drinking more than a beer. I have been through so much pain and hurt from the things he does and says while drinking that I feel its a natural reaction....but I just do not know how to control my anxiety and depression. Does anyone have any experience in being able to let go here, to not feel this emotions so strongly while not try to control the alcoholic? I know that I shouldn't try to control him...its very difficult when I am the one who will be affected by him coming in late at night being an a$$hole and keeping me up for hours, when I have work and school the next day. Thanks so much for any advice and/or support.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Um, leave him. Tell him what you are concerned about and what is happening to you because of his drinking. Then pack up your things, and move on. No need to live with that, and nothing you say or do will force him to realize he has a problem and do something about it.
Why suffer such pain?
Why suffer such pain?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Strong789,
If you think your bf may be up to reading it, get him a copy of the book "Under the Influence" by James R. Milam.
It is an easy read, and may help him see things more clearly. It may help you understand things as well.
You're going to get the usual advice about "just leave, you can't help, no one can" here. However, if you are indeed prepared to leave - and I am not suggesting that you do this unless you want to - I always recommend a zero tolerance ultimatum rather than just leaving.
There is a good reason for this, which I explained to another poster yesterday in this thread:
Just found out new BF is alcoholic
Feel free to private message me if you are interested. I have helped others with the wording before.
If you think your bf may be up to reading it, get him a copy of the book "Under the Influence" by James R. Milam.
It is an easy read, and may help him see things more clearly. It may help you understand things as well.
You're going to get the usual advice about "just leave, you can't help, no one can" here. However, if you are indeed prepared to leave - and I am not suggesting that you do this unless you want to - I always recommend a zero tolerance ultimatum rather than just leaving.
There is a good reason for this, which I explained to another poster yesterday in this thread:
Just found out new BF is alcoholic
Feel free to private message me if you are interested. I have helped others with the wording before.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
You can't control him. I spent ten years with my ex husband who was emotionally abusive and on two occasions physically abusive. He didn't drink, he just suffered from anxiety, depression and serious serious anger issues. I should have left him years before I did, but instead, I used alcohol to cope.
Quite simply, there were good parts to him and parts I loved (and still love). Plus I adored his family. I simply couldn't leave him because it also meant I would lose all of them.
A terrible terrible turn of events had to occur before I finally ended it. It was awful and a thousand times worse than if I had just been strong enough to end it early on.
I feel such empathy for you, because I've been there and didn't have the strength to leave. I suffered a great deal as a result. If you have any support system at all, use it and get out now.
You have no idea how amazing it will feel on that first day when you realize he's not coming home and you don't have to deal with him being inebriated and unpredictable around you. I still remember when that day happened for me. It was extraordinary. Yes, I still grieve the loss of his family and always will, but I'm pretty sure one of us would have wound up dead had I stayed.
Quite simply, there were good parts to him and parts I loved (and still love). Plus I adored his family. I simply couldn't leave him because it also meant I would lose all of them.
A terrible terrible turn of events had to occur before I finally ended it. It was awful and a thousand times worse than if I had just been strong enough to end it early on.
I feel such empathy for you, because I've been there and didn't have the strength to leave. I suffered a great deal as a result. If you have any support system at all, use it and get out now.
You have no idea how amazing it will feel on that first day when you realize he's not coming home and you don't have to deal with him being inebriated and unpredictable around you. I still remember when that day happened for me. It was extraordinary. Yes, I still grieve the loss of his family and always will, but I'm pretty sure one of us would have wound up dead had I stayed.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Thanks
Thanks AVRT,
I am going to look into this book and also read the other post. I ideally do not want to leave. I am one of the most stubborn, determined people you've probably ever met...and in my own life I achieve what I want to achieve. This can only transfer so much to helping someone else though. But I am willing to commit to doing what I need to do to help this situation and resolve it...I just want to make sure that this is even a possibility.
I am going to look into this book and also read the other post. I ideally do not want to leave. I am one of the most stubborn, determined people you've probably ever met...and in my own life I achieve what I want to achieve. This can only transfer so much to helping someone else though. But I am willing to commit to doing what I need to do to help this situation and resolve it...I just want to make sure that this is even a possibility.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by Strong789 
That is definitely a huge consideration...its just easier said than done. We live together so that adds another layer to it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Strong789
Thanks AVRT,
I am going to look into this book and also read the other post. I ideally do not want to leave. I am one of the most stubborn, determined people you've probably ever met...and in my own life I achieve what I want to achieve. This can only transfer so much to helping someone else though. But I am willing to commit to doing what I need to do to help this situation and resolve it...I just want to make sure that this is even a possibility.
I am going to look into this book and also read the other post. I ideally do not want to leave. I am one of the most stubborn, determined people you've probably ever met...and in my own life I achieve what I want to achieve. This can only transfer so much to helping someone else though. But I am willing to commit to doing what I need to do to help this situation and resolve it...I just want to make sure that this is even a possibility.
There is a lot of information out there on this, but for better or worse, most people are not aware of it. Sometimes, it is enough to make someone aware of what they are up against, which that "Under the Influence" book will do, but quite often, people do need a wake-up call.
Unless there is domestic violence, I do not advocate simply kicking people to the curb, particularly not knowing the details of someone else's situation. If it comes down to it, an ultimatum would force the issue, in effect giving your BF that wake-up call, while simultaneously giving him a chance to rectify the situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Welcome to SR Strong789 
Noone can tell you whats best in this situation - noone here has all the facts, but you.
You will find a lot of support here tho - & I encourage you to also visit our Family and
Friends forums - you'll find a lot of people there who've gone through similar situations and have a lot of personal experience to share....
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Noone can tell you whats best in this situation - noone here has all the facts, but you.
You will find a lot of support here tho - & I encourage you to also visit our Family and
Friends forums - you'll find a lot of people there who've gone through similar situations and have a lot of personal experience to share....
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
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