Self-esteem?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 96
Self-esteem?
In trying hard to recognize that I am in fact the source of many of the problems that I blamed on external factors (and then used as any excuse to drink), I've created an unintended side effect of feeling like I really don't have any redeeming qualities at all. At least when I could blame someone else I could pretend that I was in the right. . .
How do you realize you're the problem but also feel OK about yourself?
How do you realize you're the problem but also feel OK about yourself?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I started recovery with no self esteem at all.
Gradually tho, as the weeks passed, my perceptions changed got clearer, and the more work I did on myself, and the more help I gave to others, the better I felt about who I was and what I was doing.
Gradually I learned to love & appreciate myself again - I hadn't done that since I was a child
I also learned to forgive myself.
Today I'd say I may have been the problem - but that didn't and doesn't necessarily make me bad.
I don't believe addiction is a moral issue - I was very sick...then I recovered.
I did the work I had to, and I still do - my aim is to always say I'm getting better every day
I'm still aiming...LOL
D
Gradually tho, as the weeks passed, my perceptions changed got clearer, and the more work I did on myself, and the more help I gave to others, the better I felt about who I was and what I was doing.
Gradually I learned to love & appreciate myself again - I hadn't done that since I was a child
I also learned to forgive myself.
Today I'd say I may have been the problem - but that didn't and doesn't necessarily make me bad.
I don't believe addiction is a moral issue - I was very sick...then I recovered.
I did the work I had to, and I still do - my aim is to always say I'm getting better every day
I'm still aiming...LOL
D
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Originally Posted by ADaisyifyoudo 
How do you realize you're the problem but also feel OK about yourself?
But, at the end of the day I am the only thing in this world I can truly control.
Can you think of anything more empowering and kick-ass than that?
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by ADaisyifyoudo
How do you realize you're the problem but also feel OK about yourself?
We must suffer to get well
We must surrender to win
We must give it away to keep it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
That is such a great question! I struggle with this question too.
One thing that helps me is reminding myself that we are all human and therefore we all have baggage and unresolved issues.
I like the concept of loving and accepting ourselves as we are now (and the situation as it is now) and believing that change can come from deep acceptance and love.
Also, many times, fault lies with many or all people involved or in the context.
I think it is helpful to know why you do what you do. How did you learn that behavior? Who was your role model for the behaviors that you don't like?
I do think the Women for Sobriety program addresses this question. It seems to be a underlying core part of their program. Google their website. It might help to just read their 13 statements.
If you thought of a little kid with those painful feelings, what would you say to the little kid? You might have more compassion for someone else with those feelings.
You could decide not to blame any person. Since you are a person too, it would include you.
Therapy or counseling has helped me a lot with those types of feelings. Finding a good therapist might help a lot.
It also can take time to sort through all this. Know that many people deal with this issue. You're in good company!
One thing that helps me is reminding myself that we are all human and therefore we all have baggage and unresolved issues.
I like the concept of loving and accepting ourselves as we are now (and the situation as it is now) and believing that change can come from deep acceptance and love.
Also, many times, fault lies with many or all people involved or in the context.
I think it is helpful to know why you do what you do. How did you learn that behavior? Who was your role model for the behaviors that you don't like?
I do think the Women for Sobriety program addresses this question. It seems to be a underlying core part of their program. Google their website. It might help to just read their 13 statements.
If you thought of a little kid with those painful feelings, what would you say to the little kid? You might have more compassion for someone else with those feelings.
You could decide not to blame any person. Since you are a person too, it would include you.
Therapy or counseling has helped me a lot with those types of feelings. Finding a good therapist might help a lot.
It also can take time to sort through all this. Know that many people deal with this issue. You're in good company!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
At SMART Recovery they seem to teach self-acceptance, rather than self-esteem. May not seem that there is much difference, but once I read further detail, I got it. They have some writings about this on their website.
At AA the approach seems to dealing with the shame and inventory a person has. Gradually, the stigma of alcoholism is being reduced as we have more understanding of it.
At AA the approach seems to dealing with the shame and inventory a person has. Gradually, the stigma of alcoholism is being reduced as we have more understanding of it.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Daisy-
The fact that you recognize that you are the problem is something that many struggle with their entire lives (alcoholic or not).
Don't sell yourself short - you're doing great!
It's an amazing process, but one that must begin with admitting the problem.
Kjell~
The fact that you recognize that you are the problem is something that many struggle with their entire lives (alcoholic or not).
Don't sell yourself short - you're doing great!
It's an amazing process, but one that must begin with admitting the problem.
Kjell~
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
As has been said, practicing the steps and the passage of time. Inventories, especially in the first couple years, made me absolutely HATE myself - and I mean hate myself to the core. Here was all this "written proof" that I'm a fraud, a fake-out, full of fear, a liar, a *****.....etc etc.
I also wasn't willing to consider that what I was experiencing as "lack of self esteem" was really the deflating of a grossly overactive ego that gave me FAR too much self esteem in the first place.
Ya see, when you think (like I did) that you can do anything and everything, that perfection is a reasonable goal for a person of my standing, and that I'm really a smarter/nicer/more considerate/better person than "most of you"......it was devastating to feel that ego get right-sized for the first time ever.
Additionally, I've got a history of "extremes." I'm either the best......or I'm the worst. Rarely do I naturally consider the vast middle-ground of "average" for myself. Naturally, as I figured out I wasn't "the best," my mind instantly clicked into "you're the worst" mode.
Just like drinking though, I rode that horse into the ground.....then I kicked it and beat it and hung around with it just in case there was a chance it would get up so I could ride it some more. Eventually though, mostly through continuously trying to incorporate the AA steps/program into my life, I finally got to the point where I was able to let go of those old beliefs about myself.
Honestly, it was a difficult process......difficult in that it was painful. It was, however, necessary. Hearing ppl tell me "quit putting quarters in the ass-kicking machine" just sent me into a frenzy. I mean, if I knew how to do that, I probably wouldn't be here in the first place. haha
Like I said though, it took a lot of work........sometimes slow, boring, distasteful work. I did a lot of searching too - reading, listening to talks, attending meetings, seeking out "strong AA" and "good recovery," and so on.
I can tell you this for sure though - If you're willing to seek it.....and you're willing to do some work (some of which will make NO sense and be stuff you DON'T want to do), there's NO QUESTION in my mind that you'll find your answers.
.....hehe......or you'll find that you no longer care about finding the answers because the question will have become irrelevant to you.
Right-sized self-esteem does come though.......so long as we're willing to work for it.
I also wasn't willing to consider that what I was experiencing as "lack of self esteem" was really the deflating of a grossly overactive ego that gave me FAR too much self esteem in the first place.
Ya see, when you think (like I did) that you can do anything and everything, that perfection is a reasonable goal for a person of my standing, and that I'm really a smarter/nicer/more considerate/better person than "most of you"......it was devastating to feel that ego get right-sized for the first time ever.
Additionally, I've got a history of "extremes." I'm either the best......or I'm the worst. Rarely do I naturally consider the vast middle-ground of "average" for myself. Naturally, as I figured out I wasn't "the best," my mind instantly clicked into "you're the worst" mode.
Just like drinking though, I rode that horse into the ground.....then I kicked it and beat it and hung around with it just in case there was a chance it would get up so I could ride it some more. Eventually though, mostly through continuously trying to incorporate the AA steps/program into my life, I finally got to the point where I was able to let go of those old beliefs about myself.
Honestly, it was a difficult process......difficult in that it was painful. It was, however, necessary. Hearing ppl tell me "quit putting quarters in the ass-kicking machine" just sent me into a frenzy. I mean, if I knew how to do that, I probably wouldn't be here in the first place. haha
Like I said though, it took a lot of work........sometimes slow, boring, distasteful work. I did a lot of searching too - reading, listening to talks, attending meetings, seeking out "strong AA" and "good recovery," and so on.
I can tell you this for sure though - If you're willing to seek it.....and you're willing to do some work (some of which will make NO sense and be stuff you DON'T want to do), there's NO QUESTION in my mind that you'll find your answers.
.....hehe......or you'll find that you no longer care about finding the answers because the question will have become irrelevant to you.
Right-sized self-esteem does come though.......so long as we're willing to work for it.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
I know when problems arise in my life, I ask myself how much am I contributing to the problem and what can I do to solve the problem.
Sometimes it helps me to view a problem with a different frame of mind, a neutral state of mind. Try to see all sides of the problem.
Many times I can solve a problem by changing my behavior. Take alcoholism as an example, By me choosing to live a life free from alcohol, I had a far less problems to deal with. Then with a clearer mind to deal with the problems that had remained because of my drinking.
As I continue to problem solve, find solutions and get positive results, myself-worth grows as I feel more competent to take on greater challenges.
Sometimes it helps me to view a problem with a different frame of mind, a neutral state of mind. Try to see all sides of the problem.
Many times I can solve a problem by changing my behavior. Take alcoholism as an example, By me choosing to live a life free from alcohol, I had a far less problems to deal with. Then with a clearer mind to deal with the problems that had remained because of my drinking.
As I continue to problem solve, find solutions and get positive results, myself-worth grows as I feel more competent to take on greater challenges.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I had to go to AA and work the solution they have which involved real work, written, spoken and action, with someone who had been through the same process resulting in them having 20+ years of happy sobriety without feeling like the useless, low, worthless piece of crap that i always felt...the initial work only took 3 months to do and i could fit it in round my other commitments...not exactly a high price for peace of mind and joy?
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