ADaisyifyoudo

I'm still feeling super-new here, so forgive me if this is a topic that's been done to death. I'm on day 12 today, still feeling super emotional but am having some decent moments in between crying for little to no reason.

I'd love some advice on how to enlist my partner of 10 years in my journey. He's very supportive, and has told me every day how proud he is of me.

But, I know that I have to be incredibly difficult to deal with right now, I have been getting incredibly annoyed with him for very small things. Last night, he was working late, came home at midnight and came up to say hello (I had gone to sleep at 10 since that seems to be part of my coping mechanism - If I am asleep I can't be drinking or wanting a drink - although I dream that I have gone back to drinking almost every night, and feel terrible and guilty in my dreams, thanks brain). Anyway, he went back downstairs for several hours and I couldn't really get back to sleep, wondering if he were down there having a drink or two (he was) and whether he was down there avoiding me, checking out internet porn, or what. Of course when he came up at 2 am I start asking him what he was doing, make several kinds of bitchy comments, and then when he gets annoyed at me I start crying. It's miserable, and I am sure it's zero fun for him to deal with.

I am so worried that I am going to be such a basket case through all this that he just won't be able to tolerate me anymore. We have a young daughter (4) and I manage not to take it out on her, but I definitely dump a lot of stuff on him. Other than here I haven't found anyone else to talk to about what I am going through, am hoping to see a therapist tomorrow evening but she hasn't confirmed with me yet.

He still drinks around me (I told him I'd prefer if he didn't, but I didn't make a big deal of it so he hasn't taken that seriously). It's a bit harder with booze/beer in the house but honestly he's a rum and coke guy and I don't really like rum, so that's the saving grace.

I think he thinks it should be pretty easy for me. After all, I am a smart and successful career woman, I am the family breadwinner and typically accomplish whatever I set out to do. . .so. . .why should this be any different? There's a part of me that wants that to be true (would LOVE for this to be easy) and another part that wants a medal from him or someone for sticking with it regardless of the fact that it's really hard.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just still having a tough time of it. Hoping it will get better soon.

EmeraldRose

I'm glad to hear he is supportive and is proud of you. That's fantastic but you will both have to sit down and tell him your guidelines and what you do expect. If he does something and you say "oh, it's ok..." but it isn't and you get upset with him then that isn't fair for either of you. You can't expect him to automatically 'know' what to do or how to be for you during this critical time if you don't share it with him.
It's not fair that he can go on with his life and you are struggling but expect him just to know -and then get upset with him for something he didn't realize in the first place.
Unfortanately, we can't 'stop' our spouses life. But I don't think he did anything wrong by staying downstairs and having a few. I think that was your own resentment that got you thinking the way you did. I think he was rather respective of your situation.
And unfortunately, there is no medal, no trophy or certificates that acknowledge sobriety. The only prize is the reward of being sober and living a better life and that comes from within your own heart.

Mark75

It's your journey, not your partner's.

My wife and I struggled with that whole thing a little bit at first... There was no way she could understand and there was no way I could make her, even if I had wanted to, and I didn't want to.

Sure you can look to your partner for support, understanding, love... But you each have your own individual journey to take.

eaglette

Mark--I like the title you gave yourself--'Wanderer'. I have come to the conclusion as well that we are all wanderers travelling our own separate paths in this crazy forest of a universe. We can walk together if we want to, but we are always free to separate or to stop and rest, take a little sidepath or two, run ahead, climb a tree....I could go on. The people who are meant to be on our paths will be.

Daisydo-It sounds actually as if your partner may already be walking along side of you; it's mainly your fear which is the problem. I know because I have the same tendency. My pattern goes: worry worry worry worry worry, share the worries neurotically with partner, worry then that I have scared partner away, worry worry worry worry, worry, overanalyze, etc. It is a tough pattern to break. However, the sobriety process has been extremely helpful to me in recognizing and beginning to break the patterns in my life which no longer suit me. I had a huge worryfest yesterday, but later that night I was able to recover from it instead of smacking my head against the wall for doing it and worrying more about what the consequences might be. I am beginning to expect great things for my life to unfold naturally, and they will for you too! People in recovery are definitely difficult to deal with from time to time, but it's the natural way of things for you right now. It's better than the alternative, and it will improve as time goes by. You may also want to have a serious talk with him if you think the alcohol's presence in your house will eventually be an issue for you.

And Emerald--We don't have medals or trophies, but I do like the coins.

artsoul

Daisy - It's soooo normal to be irritable for a few weeks (and the people we're closest to are always the ones who bring it out in us). All the emotions and changes, our brains having to readjust..... it's extremely stressful. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by every little thing that I did the bare minimum for much of the first month. I kept my life as easy as possible and spent lots of time here.

I think if you share with your husband that this is common at first, it might help him to not take it personally and that will help you not to feel so guilty. I really does get better.:ghug3

Maryjan

Chiming in...I am almost 90 days sober, and my husband loves his beer. It's been very hard...in fact, dealing with my resentment and fear that I'll be boring, or fear/anger when he has a few drinks and I feel left out, or worry, worry, worry, etc...in other words, my relationship with my husband has been one of the harder parts of my recovery. We're not on the same page, and that's scary. He loves me and supports me, but I'm an alcoholic and he's not. I try to envision the way it will be...our little boys will see a peaceful mom who is always "with it" and ready to hear them, their Dad will have few beers with them when they are teenagers, and I'll be the mom reading with a cup of tea...it looks OK to me, damn good in fact. So much better than a mom who overdoes it and then wakes up full of shame and fear. Anyway, it's hard, but it does get easier. And it is your journey. You have us here on SR and we get it. Love tour husband...he may not get it, but he sounds wonderful.

Latte

I've been sober for a few 24 hours and just recently (in the last 6 months) have I honestly been able to feel comfortable with alcohol in the house. He's been extremely supportive and kept his drinking outside the home up until I felt I was ready.

That being said, I concentrate on my recovery and when I screw up and get pissy I apologize. I'm not perfect. I mess up, I'm human. He knows it and he screws up too. We move on.

It was rocky for awhile, and life is messy. Regular human beings are not happy all the time. Sure we want to be, but that's not going to happen. In recovery or not, life is messy. At least in recovery I have the tools to help me handle those messy feelings. Did I say messy enough? LOL

Hang on, don't drink and keep showing up here. Thank you for posting. It's such a great reminder.

SSIL75

I want so badly to give you advice but I don't know what to say. I remember your feelings, well and 10 months later I don't feel that way anymore. What happened in the meantime? The only thing I can think of is that I fell in love with sober life. I don't lie in bed worrying about my husband drinking because I'm thinking for the countless time how nice it was to tuck my kids in (something I rarely did when I was drinking). Or I'm wondering if I could put grated ginger straight in iced tea or do I need to extract it somehow? Or thinking about a 'bad parenting' moment I had and how I can do better next time. Or I'm reading my book. Or I'm looking at my baby (I have a newborn). Or I'm concocting some recipe in my head.

Part of what you're experiencing, IME is the normal detox stuff and part of it is a great example of alcoholic thinking/obsessions. Every time I had a thought like that (thinking about my husband drinking in the living room for example) I'd have to think "That's an alcoholic thought. A normal person wouldn't care about that. What would a normal person think about?" and I'd think of a friend who was excited about going shopping the next day. So I'd think about something I wanted to buy the next day and how nice it would be to go buy my candle without a hangover.

It sounds so contrived, I know but as an alcoholic, alcohol had flooded my whole life. It seeped into every nook and cranny. I had no life left. I had been drinking for so long I hadn't ever had some normal things. On the surface I had a normal life (I have a husband and 3 children. A house and I had a great career pre-children). But I honestly didn't enjoy anything except drinking. I had to learn how to enjoy normal life.

In retrospect (albeit a short, 10 months) sobriety has been less about alcohol and more about learning how to live.

Congrats on 12 days