defyinggravity

Hey all - so as I reported earlier, I had a "little" relapse last weekend. Long story short, I basically shot up a little over a g of coke in about 6 hours culminating in what I'm calling a "pseudo suicide attempt" but I guess we can just call it a suicide attempt because I fully intended to complete the act but I was too high to figure out that the amount I had done might not necessarily do so.

I spent the next few days in a total daze. I was evaluated at the hospital (a "behavioral health" hospital) and deemed non-emergent so I was sent home though with PROFOUND depression. I guess I should also mention that I'm bipolar and the depression started kicking in a few days before I decided to use the coke - which, as one might imagine, sent me into a complete tailspin. I was practically catatonic by Thursday but after seeing several doctors, no one would prescribe antidepressants due to my recent attempted OD and the fact that coke withdrawal can often actually CAUSE such deep depression. I have no doubts it exacerbated it but the depression, frankly, was there before I started using...I started using to fix the depression I knew was coming (I know, stupid move).

Now, I'm still depressed, still staying in bed most of the time with little to no motivation to do ANYTHING...BUT I am 1 week sober today! Which is something and makes me feel a little bit better. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction tomorrow - it was quite the coup to get me in to see someone before July (wait time is a month, minimum, to see a psychiatrist here) but thank god for my therapist, who is my biggest advocate at this point, she made calls all over the place to get me in and I am SO thankful for her! Just wanted to update quickly and report that I'm sober and hopefully on my way to PROPERLY regulating my moods and dealing with my addictions! I never ever want to experience what I experienced last weekend ever again and that is part of my motivation to STAY sober this time.

recoverywfaith

Glad you are here and sober. Sounds like you have a good support system going for you and being proactive in your health will help you to maintain your soberty. Have you tried NA and/or AA as another recovery tool?

artsoul

Hi dg - I'm so glad you're getting in to see a psychiatrist and get the proper treatment. So glad, too, that you didn't have a fatal overdose. In my really bad times of depression, I thought about ODing on something, but then I thought "what if I end up with brain damage or a stroke or some other incapacitating condition?" For some reason, that stopped me. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done it anyway because of what it would do to my family.

I knew a girl who had bipolar and it was really debilitating for her (she often refused to take her meds, though). I thought I might be bipolar at one time too until I saw it in another person. As it turned out, I have chronic depression (seem to do fine on the anti-d's), plus ADHD and OCD (though it's not the typical presentation).

All this to say that seeing a psychiatrist is really important for me - I feel that my sobriety depends on it. I didn't realize it before this latest relapse, but every single time I decided to go off my anti-depressants, I inevitably relapsed.

So good for you for taking this step and I wish you all the best!!

defyinggravity

That's precisely what happened to me - I went off my cocktail of antidepressants/antipsychotics/mood stabilizers and relapsed...went back on, stayed sober...back off, relapsed and continued to use because I never went back on. For the almost year I was on them and taking them properly, I was sober. Within a week of stopping, I was using again. And I also started noticing patterns of super heavy use compared to just what might be seen as "recreational" use (in a non-addict, naturally...in me it's always abuse no matter how "recreational" it may seem) when my moods were cycling. Of course, alcohol, pot, and coke make bipolar worse so it turned into a nasty cycle. One I'm very thankful to be getting a hand getting out of right now. I'm not there yet, but I think I can get there! I can't say enough how thankful I am for my therapist and her persistence in getting me help when I really needed it and it was too hard for me to seek myself.