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Profoundly Confused.

Old 06-02-2011, 12:57 PM
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Profoundly Confused.

Hi all,

I am new here. I've been reading many of your posts over the course of the last couple of weeks and on one hand they are enlightening on another they prompt anxiety and fuel my inherent tendency to over-think.

I was a fairly heavy drinker for the better part of ten years. Played in a band, worked at a restaurant and generally led a lifestyle that was conducive to "partying" frequently. Never had any problems with work, finances, relationships etc... Then a couple years ago the love of my life broke my heart. I am and was predisposed to anxiety and obsessive thinking. I started to drink to numb the pain and before I knew it I was drinking to avoid the discomfort of withdrawal. And of course things went from bad to worse. I ended up with a brief stay in the hospital and didn't drink for a year and a half.

About six months ago I made a conscious decision to to return to drinking, something I had always planned on doing and the time seemed right. Managed to drink at moderate levels without any problem and avoided returning to my old ways though opportunities were ample.

Then something happened about three or four weeks ago. After a couple weeks of feeling down and stressed as a result of some major work related disappointments I ended up in a social situation (the ones I normally had been avoiding) and ended up getting wasted. I woke up with profound anxiety and made the unfortunate decision to mitigate the feeling by having a couple afternoon drinks. Big mistake. The fact that I was aware of the potential danger I was in only served to heighten the anxiety which of course led to more drinking. Before I knew what was happening I went on week long bender which ended with me going to emergency, I was going through alcohol withdrawal and more importantly had the common sense to try and pull out of the nose dive before it was to late.

Managed to do that. Haven't drank in seventeen days and am finally coming around, though I still ride the emotional roller-coaster daily. Have scheduled some appointments with a new therapist and recognize that I need to develop better skills for dealing with stress and life in general. Wish I could be like so many of you and take comfort in swearing off alcohol forever, but truth be told when I think I can NEVER drink again it makes me feel like I'm backed into a corner with a gun pointing at me and heightens my anxiety to what seems like unlivable levels. It may be flawed logic and addict-double speak but I find that if I approach the whole thing from a day by day approach and in part humor the potential of drinking again at some point in my life, I feel more in control, the anxiety is mitigated and not drinking is easier.

Anyway sorry for the long winded post. I just wanted to get my feet wet here and bounce this off of you.

Thank you.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:10 PM
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Hi and Welcome!

Congratulations on 17 days sober.

Honestly, I could never feel 'in control' thinking about drinking again. I tried hundreds of times to control my drinking and it never worked. For me, it was a huge relief to stop and free myself from the anxiety and the obsessive thoughts.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:18 PM
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YAY! 17 DAYS!!!!

I can't control my drinking either. It's a loss at this point for me. I don't know it's like I've lost my best friend. Sounds crazy but that's the alcoholic thinking going on in my wacky brain. I'm on day 20. The cravings are maddening! I hate it.

Even though I'm having a hard time right now I know I was bound for the ER and soon. So I had to stop. I have a son that needs me and a husband that misses me. I hope you keep coming back and letting us know how things are going. This is one heck of a journey!
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:24 PM
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You should read The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. I completely think the mentality that "I can NEVER DRINK AGAIN" is the wrong way to go about things. That's like telling an obese person that's trying to diet that they can NEVER HAVE CHOCOLATE AGAIN. Sure, they know a little bit of chocolate won't do much harm, but that can lead to binge eating, etc. etc. If you tell yourself you can never have something again, of course you're going to want it. It's turned into the forbidden fruit. Having that mentality will make you feel tempted and anxious around alcohol.
To me, the important thing to realize is that alcohol is a drug. It's a poison. Yes, it's socially acceptable, but so was using asbestos in buildings. The key is to believe you DON'T want to ever drink again, not that you CAN'T ever drink again.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:46 PM
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Don't think, I can never drink again, just tell yourself I'm not going to drink today. One day at a time. When I have the thought of I can can never drink again, I'm inself pitty and have to snap out of that "stinking thinking" and ask myself what am I falling behind on in my program? Am I isolating, not going to meetings, worring about what someone else is doing?? ect... If you aren't going to AA meetings regularly, start. Once you begin to work the steps and develop some friendships that are understanding from going through the same thing, things will get better. Your story is very much like mine and I have to take it one day at a time and reach out to friends in the fellowship everyday. Wheter I'm doing good or bad. I tend to do good when I'm active in my recovery daily. Best of luck and awesome job on the 17 DAYS!!! Thank you for sharing too.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:17 PM
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I can never think again makes my brain combined the emotions of what I think I am missing out on. So If my brain relates alcohol to fun and freedom, it thinks I am going to miss out of 40 more years of fun and freedom. That is a heck of a burden, just think about not drinking today. Or if that is too much...the next hour.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:26 PM
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I second Lovelifes recommendation on the Easy Way book...it was a deal changer for me

Welcome to SR and congrats on your 17 days!
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:28 PM
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You are on top of things now. Take the small steps to keep you sober and safe for now. Worry about tomorrow when you get there.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:32 PM
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(((Duke))) - welcome to SR! I'm a recovering crack addict, and the thought of NEVER smoking it again, was more than overwhelming in the beginning. I got through the first few days/weeks with "okay, I won't do it today", sometimes "okay, I won't do it in the next hour" and repeated that when an hour was up.

At some point, I decided to give this recovery thing a shot...really work it, for 6 months. If I was still miserable, still wanting crack, well, it's everywhere. By the time 6 months had passed, I no longer wanted to go back to that life.

That's not to say I didn't still have times when I struggled, because I did. I read here, all the time and it wasn't even until I had the 6 months that I actually logged on. I know I had some "fun times" when I was using, but I also had a bad relapse that took me lower than I'd ever been, and that was pretty bad. When my mind would go to "look what you're missing" I'd just remind myself of the bad stuff. After all, if it was so great and didn't cause me any problems, why on earth would I be trying to quit?

I've learned to be grateful for every clean day. I don't have to go through the shame, remorse, self-hatred I felt whenever I used. I don't have to worry about finding a lower bottom, doing things that cause more consequences (have enough of those, already, thank you very much).

To this day, though I'm confident in my recovery, rarely think about crack, I still take things one day at a time.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:37 PM
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Hi Duke
Welcome

I nearly died from my drinking, but even I couldn't quite embrace the idea of never drinking again, but not drinking today? That was achievable.

What hapened for me was the more time I spent off the booze, and the more time I started looking at myself and my life, and working out long standing subterranean problems, the more my whole perception changed.

I changed.

I decided that never again was not only possible, but what it was what I wanted

Good to have you with us
D
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:56 PM
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Welcome Duke. Time for a change. You can do this.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Congratulations on the 17 days. Awesome.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:59 PM
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Add me to the list of those who look back at their drinking days with disbelief at that lifestyle. I love living sober. I can do anything I want and have no fear of alcohol-related problems.


Welcome to the family. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:26 PM
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Welcome Duke!
I'm on day 19, so I'm right there with you.
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:40 PM
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Congrats on the 17 days sober. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently. I guess the question is, is your past behavior with alcohol likely to happen again? If that answer is yes, then the anxiety you may feel with quitting is surly much less than the anxiety that sent you to the hospital.

The crazy thing about the disease of alcoholism, is it tells us we don't have a disease. Listening to your story, it definitely seems like there are issues with alcohol, the trying to control it, the losing control, the anxiety the next morning - all are things that normal drinkers just don't go through.

The progressive nature of alcoholism is undeniable. So, if you feel that your an alcoholic, it's just not a good idea to drink again. That leaves us in a position of looking for another solution.

I have found that solution in AA. I wish you the best. There is no problem that alcohol can't make worse!
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:49 PM
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Good job on those seventeen days! I am glad I read your post and the others' replies. I made a deal with myself that I would only drink once a week. That way I would not have the "never again" anxiety. Not only could I not keep that promise to myself, I made myself dangerously sick a few times. I have only recently told myself that I probably shouldn't have a drink again. But I can't think about forever. I am only on day two and that is hard enough. But finishing this day sober actually feels better than finishing the day wasted. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can do something about my problems rather than getting numb. You sound like you are doing so good. You ought to be very proud of yourself. Stay on that horse!
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:40 PM
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When I first toyed with the idea of recovery, I first did a lot of thinking, because my original reaction to the term "sobriety" was that it was a sentence to decades of austere, self flaggelating misery. And why in the world would I want that?

As I thought more and moe about my life in active addiction, and what my life could be, I came to understand that sobriety is not about all the things we take away from ourselves, and deny ourselves, it is MUCH more about what we allow ourselves to have. It's about giving ourselves the best life we can have, the most opportunities, choices, etc, that I never had in active addiction.

My disease lied to me, and told me that being sober meant being half dead and with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and pine for the past. But that is nonsense! Addiction is what robbed me of both life and the will to live. Addiction stole my choices and freedom from me. Sobriety is a gift I give myself. A state of being I allow myself to be in. It's not about not having that next fix, it's about having time, energy, money and freedom to be too busy to want another "fix".

Occasionally I have a "using" dream, and I wake up thinking "oh no! what have I done!!?" Because now the idea of using horrifies me, using is the nightmare, when once the idea of not having my next fix available is what sent me into a tail spin.

You keep walking the walk and you'll find out what I mean.
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:53 PM
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Welcome, and you should feel proud of those 17 days, I am only on day 13, so you are a few days ahead of me. Glad to be on this journey with you.

I am sure you will find SR to be as supportive as I have!
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:55 PM
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Thank You

I just got home from work and logged on here hoping that maybe someone had replied. I am overwhelmed at the number of heart felt responses. It surpassed anything I had anticipated and I am really touched that so many would take the time to help a stranger.

More specifically, it feels reassuring that many of you relate to what I am saying. I tried to explain it to my doctor and he looked at me like I had two heads. I think he thought that if he indulged my rational I would use that as an excuse to go hit the liquor store or a bar but my objectives are/were quite the opposite. I left his office feeling ashamed, out of control and helpless. Reading these posts I feel empowered. As one of you put it, I want to get to that place where I don't want to drink again as opposed to I can never drink again. Thinking in the terms of "drinking again is another days decision" is making abstaining much easier and I'm already remembering and experiencing all the positives that come with sobriety.

Thank you all so much.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:59 PM
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Hi Duke, I relate to what you are saying. I too felt scared about never drinking again, how would I live, but eventually I realized that if I kept drinking I wouldn't live. My doctor make me feel backed into a corner, threatened, intimidated, like I was a piece of crap for drinking. He didn't understand what I was going thru. I had an acquaintance that I met in court ordered rehab a bit over 5 years ago. We were both using through rehab and being totally dishonest with everyone. We kept in touch and he is actually the reason I considered AA and I am glad I did. I am relatively new to it, but to be able to reach out and hear others that "get it" is such a relief. I also like this site as well, lots of great comments. I was also stunned at how welcoming and accepting everyone is. One of the things they speak of in AA is how we need to reach out to those who are still "out there". It not only feels good to be supported, but it strengthens us to help others. We are here for you, keep reading!
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