Day 4
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
Day 4
Hi again.
Well, day four, but wanted to express my gratitude for something.
Felt like a bit of a fraud the last three days because I've been completely broke, so being sober hasn't been a choice. Been at a meeting every day and everyone was saying well done, but at the back of my mind was this little voice saying "Wait till you've got some money. Then we'll see."
But then last night, I discovered that I had a small amount of cash left in a bank account I'd forgotten about. Thank God I didn't remember when I was on a bender, and I mean that literally because I believe this was planned in some way.
At any time before in my life, I was going to AA when I was broke, but the minute I had some money I'd be straight back to convincing myself I didn't need it, didn't have a problem, they were all zombies etc etc.
But last night, instead of thinking "Woo hoo, all sorted tomorrow." I went to a meeting instead. It was a wonderful meeting and I really got a lot from it.
Went down this morning and got the money out. And for the first time ever in my life, I've got money and no desire to drink, today at least but that is all that matters.
I can't wait to get to the meeting tonight and sit there with sobriety being a choice. I have never been in this position before.
Treated myself to a lead for my phone to connect to my PC and went and had a coffee in one of the places I used to do my morning drinking. It was wonderful.
Have cigarettes that I didn't pick up off the street for the first time in weeks. Now off to do grocery shopping. Going to buy a lot of nice food then come home and eat myself stupid.
I'm so profoundly grateful that, through AA and through here, I have been offered choices again in my life. I'm 36, I've been lost in alcoholism for at least 18 years, I have never felt like I was making choices before today.
As I walked into the bank, I said to myself "Thy will, not mine, be done." For me, this stuff actually works where everything else has failed.
I know there are probably rocky times ahead, but today is a great day to be sober and I couldn't have done it without the love, support, strength and wisdom of the fellow recovering alcoholics I have met.
So thank you all, and God bless.
Paul
Well, day four, but wanted to express my gratitude for something.
Felt like a bit of a fraud the last three days because I've been completely broke, so being sober hasn't been a choice. Been at a meeting every day and everyone was saying well done, but at the back of my mind was this little voice saying "Wait till you've got some money. Then we'll see."
But then last night, I discovered that I had a small amount of cash left in a bank account I'd forgotten about. Thank God I didn't remember when I was on a bender, and I mean that literally because I believe this was planned in some way.
At any time before in my life, I was going to AA when I was broke, but the minute I had some money I'd be straight back to convincing myself I didn't need it, didn't have a problem, they were all zombies etc etc.
But last night, instead of thinking "Woo hoo, all sorted tomorrow." I went to a meeting instead. It was a wonderful meeting and I really got a lot from it.
Went down this morning and got the money out. And for the first time ever in my life, I've got money and no desire to drink, today at least but that is all that matters.
I can't wait to get to the meeting tonight and sit there with sobriety being a choice. I have never been in this position before.
Treated myself to a lead for my phone to connect to my PC and went and had a coffee in one of the places I used to do my morning drinking. It was wonderful.
Have cigarettes that I didn't pick up off the street for the first time in weeks. Now off to do grocery shopping. Going to buy a lot of nice food then come home and eat myself stupid.
I'm so profoundly grateful that, through AA and through here, I have been offered choices again in my life. I'm 36, I've been lost in alcoholism for at least 18 years, I have never felt like I was making choices before today.
As I walked into the bank, I said to myself "Thy will, not mine, be done." For me, this stuff actually works where everything else has failed.
I know there are probably rocky times ahead, but today is a great day to be sober and I couldn't have done it without the love, support, strength and wisdom of the fellow recovering alcoholics I have met.
So thank you all, and God bless.
Paul
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Durban, South-Africa
Posts: 50
Hey Paul
Congrats on day 4... and your long walk to sobriaty. Keep up the "high" by not placing yourself in a place of temptation such as social events, pubs or around other drinkers. You will be VERY tempted over the next few days so be vigulant my friend.
May you stay sober long and may you come to realise the little joys in life beyond alchahol.
Good luck Paul..
Ant
Congrats on day 4... and your long walk to sobriaty. Keep up the "high" by not placing yourself in a place of temptation such as social events, pubs or around other drinkers. You will be VERY tempted over the next few days so be vigulant my friend.
May you stay sober long and may you come to realise the little joys in life beyond alchahol.
Good luck Paul..
Ant
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
Just got back from the supermarket. The shopping was very heavy and it was quite a long walk.
Prior to getting into AA and listening to people there, I would have been thinking "This is so unfair, I used to have a car, I never used to have to walk a mile and a half with heavy shopping. Why am I being punished like this."
Instead, today, I was thinking "Thank you God, because every ounce of weight, every ache in my arms and back, is another time I won't have to be hungry."
Prior to getting into AA and listening to people there, I would have been thinking "This is so unfair, I used to have a car, I never used to have to walk a mile and a half with heavy shopping. Why am I being punished like this."
Instead, today, I was thinking "Thank you God, because every ounce of weight, every ache in my arms and back, is another time I won't have to be hungry."
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
eat well
hey Paul congrates on day 4 and choosing well. I saw you were going eat good tonight I laughed only because I just got done posting what I was doing tonight on ny day 7 , and it also was a good meal. I myself have been heavy user for a long long time and it will be nice to taste the food enjoy peace!!!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Paul when I read your post it reminded me (i read it in even cowgirls get the blues) that if you write CHOICE in capitals and hold it upside down to a mirror it spells the same thing.
Congratulations on your achievements
Congratulations on your achievements
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
So nearing the end of Day 5 now. Funny how you can have a great day one day, then a really bad day the next, even though everything is the same outside your head.
Just been stuck in my head all day today, feeling resentful, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like nothing I'm doing is helping, feeling as depressed as I felt waking up with a hangover and regretting pretty much my whole life.
Even the meeting I went to tonight couldn't shake it. Just sat there feeling paranoid, tried to share and couldn't get anything sensible out.
God, I hate this. I'm so scared of being sober. People keep telling me things will improve with time but what if they don't? How can it be guaranteed? What if I just keep feeling like this every day? I can't deal with it.
Can't see clearly at the moment. Need to go to sleep but the neighbours upstairs won't shut up and I haven't got to sleep much before 3am for about a week now. Living back in a crummy little flat just like I did ten years ago (actually back in the same block I was in ten years ago, if you can believe that) and all because I was too stupid to have the sense to jack this stupid drinking habit in back when I actually had some things in my life worth being sober for.
Now I'm getting sober and it's too late. Everything has gone. Lost my partner, lost my job, lost my house, lost my car, lost my self-respect and dignity, lost all my friends, lost my family.
I have nothing worth being sober for. So drinking will kill me? So ******* what.
Just been stuck in my head all day today, feeling resentful, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like nothing I'm doing is helping, feeling as depressed as I felt waking up with a hangover and regretting pretty much my whole life.
Even the meeting I went to tonight couldn't shake it. Just sat there feeling paranoid, tried to share and couldn't get anything sensible out.
God, I hate this. I'm so scared of being sober. People keep telling me things will improve with time but what if they don't? How can it be guaranteed? What if I just keep feeling like this every day? I can't deal with it.
Can't see clearly at the moment. Need to go to sleep but the neighbours upstairs won't shut up and I haven't got to sleep much before 3am for about a week now. Living back in a crummy little flat just like I did ten years ago (actually back in the same block I was in ten years ago, if you can believe that) and all because I was too stupid to have the sense to jack this stupid drinking habit in back when I actually had some things in my life worth being sober for.
Now I'm getting sober and it's too late. Everything has gone. Lost my partner, lost my job, lost my house, lost my car, lost my self-respect and dignity, lost all my friends, lost my family.
I have nothing worth being sober for. So drinking will kill me? So ******* what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Paul, we all have days like those, the only thing you can remember is that you do want to stop...you want to give yourself a chance to get back all that you have lost. I believe it can happen with hard work, determination and just living in the day. One day at a time...that is how we all get further on in sobriety.
Best way to get away from living inside your head is distraction distraction distraction. Find some things to do that can take you away from those thoughts.
Keep on keeping on Paul.
Hug Manz
Best way to get away from living inside your head is distraction distraction distraction. Find some things to do that can take you away from those thoughts.
Keep on keeping on Paul.
Hug Manz
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Originally Posted by SoberRightNow 
Now I'm getting sober and it's too late. Everything has gone. Lost my partner, lost my job, lost my house, lost my car, lost my self-respect and dignity, lost all my friends, lost my family.
I have nothing worth being sober for. So drinking will kill me? So ******* what.
I have nothing worth being sober for. So drinking will kill me? So ******* what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Paul, it is a huge rollercoaster in the beginning, and I am glad you came here and vented..that is a huge step in using different ways of coping. So pat yourself on the back and keep on going. You are doing great!!
Hug
Hug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
Hey Paul!
Congrads on your sober days so far and loved your graditude that you expressed in your early days.
Hang in there, you can do this and even get everything that you losted and more, if you continue to remain sober. Please keep going to AA, you really need to be around others who suffer too. Share how you feel in meetings and come here often to vent, just do not drink.
Congrads on your sober days so far and loved your graditude that you expressed in your early days.
Hang in there, you can do this and even get everything that you losted and more, if you continue to remain sober. Please keep going to AA, you really need to be around others who suffer too. Share how you feel in meetings and come here often to vent, just do not drink.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
