newwings

You aren't not drinking, honey. And you aren't just happy to be there and not drink. You are constantly having to battle with yourself in every single situation that contains wine and it must be utterly exhausting, because you are losing every single time. Just one glass feels like a 'victory', but it ain't. It's another loss against this awful battle of addiction, which is why a lot of your posts are Day One..again. It's making you so unhappy, and until you realize that, you'll be doing this many months down the line. Sorry to be so direct. I feel for you, as I've been there.

And I owe you an apology - after re-reading my post, I realize that I was assuming you were telling your drinking friends and they were pushing you. Thanks for clarifying that you aren't. It helps me see what's going on better.

Going back and reading all your posts, I see that you are a 'yes' person. A people pleaser. You want to say yes to whatever Phil or your family/friends want, be it karaoke, mac n cheese, cards. You want to say yes to going along to pubs, bars, all the places that put you in danger of not staying sober because you are a people pleaser and your alcohol monster is always looking for a reason to stay alive. Wives and mothers are particularly prone to being the yes person. We've being doing it all our lives. It makes us feel loved, responsible, fulfilled, it gives us validity, it makes us important to say YES and make others happy.

Missy, you have to start saying NO. To start putting yourself first, to not be Phil's yes person. That's if you REALLY WANT TO BE SOBER AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I don't know if you really do, yet. PM me if you want to talk further. I really, really want to help you and support you, so, always here. x

Missy7

Can I say that I have never blamed anyone for my problem. I do live in a group of people and what they do affects me. I've never not known that I'm in charge of the decision.

Everything I do in my life, from working to sleeping...everything I do is done in relationship to others.

I have just talked about the influences I'm dealing with. I haven't blamed them.

Fandy

maybe you want to LIVE for yourself and put your wants first...i do not want to sound harsh, but you always place yourself in the bottom...your husband likes Karioke, so you go,...and then there was the whole issue of you drinking and feeling "so guilty"..

why not attempt to make the decision to NOT place yourself in a tempting situation...that is if you really want to stop drinking. Why can't you go to a restaurant that is BYOB? or why can't you order a soft drink?

Dee74

Lots of good advice here Missy.

Part of my problem was not wanting to let people down - whether that be as a drinking buddy...but more importantly with people who looked up to me - I didn't want to come out as an alcoholic...

I just wanted my life - with a little bit of drinking. I believed that I'd managed 'it' once, so I could manage it again.

The trouble is my life was based on a whole lot of drinking.

so I kept drinking...and eventually - slowly, painfully - everyone was in no doubt what I was.

pride, and wanting to keep everyone happy, nearly killed me

It does get worse, Missy - whatever else you do, don't kid yourself on that.

You have a chance to stop it now.
D

suki44883

You either want to stop drinking or you don't. That's what it boils down to. If you truly want to stop, there is nothing or anyone in the world that can stop you. It doesn't really sound to me like you have the desire to do whatever is necessary to stop drinking. That is totally your choice.

Missy7

I'm not yet where you guys are. I think I've come here earlier in the trajectory than some. I realize what I need to do, but it's still back and forth.

It isn't as cut and dried as it seems. I know about AA, I know I'm just supposed to say it's time and do it. On the other hand, there is no alcohol in my house. I have not been to a liquor store. I don't hide my drinking--ever.

I do have to think about going public.

I am making changes. You really have no idea. I noticed yesterday at my daughter's house that she had stocked the refrigerator with beer because I was coming. I only drank one--rather than the eight or so last week. That was obvious.

newwings

I agree, Missy - for me, when I first started haunting this forum it was back in November, when I knew I had a problem, but my mindset wasn't totally into giving up completely. I didn't register, but I read many, many posts. I did quit for 30 days (as my doctor asked) but it was like a ticking time bomb, I counted DOWN to the day I was medically free to drink, rather than this time - it's up. I hated everyone who drank, I was jealous, bitter and spent a lot of time tying myself into knots about why it wasn't fair that I had to be denied the chance to drink. I REALLY wanted to drink, and it made me very, very miserable trying not to.

It's my decision this time, and I know for that reason ALONE I will succeed. No one is telling me how I am going to do it, why I should be doing it, neither am I asking for reassurance that I need to do it. It's WITHIN ME. It's as sure as the fact I'm going to clean my teeth that day, or eat dinner, or wake up that morning. So I know, and honestly understand where you are and why you are doing what you are doing. You don't have it within you yet. But you will.

On another note, people still post on my facebook that I'm a wine drinker. That's all they've ever known me to be. They don't know I have permanently quit. They don't need to...I'm sure that realization will come in time. But I just need to read those posts ("Put your feet up with a huge glass of wine...", "it's lovely to have a bottle of wine by the pool isn't it? I hope you brought TWO!", "let's drink to we all fall over!!". It reminds me of the reputation I used to have. I know how people see me, and it sickens me. I'm not that person any more, and boy, am I glad. I still attend events where friends have got my favorite white wine there - because they know I used to drink it by the case. I STILL have people reach over and place a large glass of white wine right in front of me because they think that's what I still drink, or even place one in my hand without a word - just a smile. It takes nothing to put it down and walk away, because I DON'T WANT IT. That's the difference between then and now.

It took me a whole lot longer than I ever thought to reach this place of inner peace that I have now. I had to nearly die to get there, Missy. All I can say is that the day you know you are done, YOU ARE DONE. I feel honored to read your journey because it was mine, and I'm through it. Despite a bit of frustration because I care and I don't want you to still be on this roller coaster, I'm listening. I feel it's only a matter of time/events before you get there. Keep posting so we know when you do.

Best,
New Wings. xx

Dee74

It would be very easy to listen to that inner voice that tells you 'don't worry...everythings gonna be ok'...'a few drinks won't hurt'...'something will happen and it will all work out'...

I did that.
It didn't work out. LOL

But you keep coming back Missy - that's an important factor here - all that other stuff nonwithstanding, you know deep down what's good for you, and I think it's great you're still listening to that other little voice that says 'this is not right for me'...

It took me 15 years or so to actually finally, definitively, get to the point where I could quit...so you're way ahead of my curve Missy

D

Missy7

Dee, I really do struggle and Idon't know how this will turn out.

Family knows I drink too much, but they do not think it's a problem so they encourage it. That is hard. I don't get in fights, I don't drive drunk, I don't break things or stumble. I am apparently a marvel of behavior while blacked out.

But I come back because I am trying to be accountable to someone who gets it. So this morning I had to make the hard choice--admit it or not. I chose to admit it to keep my path clear.

Thanks for your support Dee.

I hope you are feeling better.

eaglette

Missy, it seems like you are focusing a lot on someone else keeping you accountable. We can't hold you accountable. That would be codependency, which a lot of us are here for also. You need to hold YOURSELF accountable. The reality is that you could leave this site behind tomorrow and not ever have to worry about anything that any of us says again. You will always have to live with yourself. So nevermind what any of us thinks, what your husband thinks, or your friends. You have to rely on you.

Missy7

No. I'm holding myself accountable by recording the journey. And reading others' experiences has confirmed a lot for me.

eaglette

I'm sorry if I offended you; I was referring to this quote specifically.

But yeah, recording the journey on this site is a real eye opener. I look back at some things I've written in the past month and cringe. I'm sure it will be like that for a while. However, it is therapeutic to reread and evaluate honestly the progress which has taken place.

EmeraldRose

Ok, my turn...I'm sorry to say that you aren't ready to quit. You are capable of stopping but not quitting. I stopped many times. I only quit once.
You are not in the wrong place all the time -you are in the wrong place in your heart all the time. You are floating off Phil's coat tails. To be quite honest if you are going to quit...you better step up to the plate or all your posts will be about sitting in pubs and singing karoake and not wanting to drink but drinking anyway.
I'm having a problem with the pub thang. I can't believe that a place of business would not have any alternative to alcoholic beverages. Water comes to mind. And it's free. I worked at a bar that served soda and water alot. It was ok NOT to drink. Just because you are in a bar doesn't mean you have to drowned in alcohol.
I don't know who you're trying to fool here...certainly not me. If I was recovering and they had awesome mac/cheese why not order take out and bring it home?

Are you afraid Phil will leave you if you quit? You won't be fun anymore? He won't have a drinking buddy? I hope that is not what your marriage is based upon.

I'm sorry, but I feel that by setting yourself in a no win situation you are not blaming the correct person here...you have to be responsible for your own actions. You need to take some control over your decisions and not use everyone elses needs to justify your failures.
You really can't use your geographical location for blame either. If you are in a larger city I'm sure there are other alternatives to sitting in a pub. If you were in my town of 1000 I could see your choice in recreation since there are only 2 bars and 5 bowling lanes. But you won't find me sitting there. Maybe you should consider just staying home if everything is such a temptation. This way you're not tempted by others that are of negative pursuation.
I guess as others say the choice is yours. And you're just not ready.
Wishing you peace and strength.

wellwisher

Dee, I really do struggle and Idon't know how this will turn out.

Family knows I drink too much, but they do not think it's a problem so they encourage it. That is hard. I don't get in fights, I don't drive drunk, I don't break things or stumble. I am apparently a marvel of behavior while blacked out.
******

Thank you for sharing, Missy.

Your post reminds me of a recovering alcoholic I met years ago in the rooms. I met him when I was forced to attend an open AA meeting as part of a drunk driving conviction. He made two statements that stuck in my mind.

The first he said at the open meeting I attended: "There is no such thing as a relapse. You can't relapse from something if you don't have it in the first place". You intuitively posted the same message in one of your previous posts above. You have good instincts.

His second comment: As I was talking to him privately, I explained to him how I felt I didn't need to be there, and that those people in the room were pretty whacked. He said to me that that was the funny thing about alcoholism; that the disease was progressive and insidious and takes people to places they really don't intend to go. I told him that I thought all I had to do was just tone it down a bit (this after having a 2nd DUI in 11 years) He kind of chuckled at me and I remember feeling really insulted.
So I turned on my justifications to support my earlier statement, and he just looked at me and said, "OK, you don't do those things....YET! "

For instance: "I don't get into fights....yet"
"I dont' drive drunk........yet"
"I don't break things or stumble....yet"

That court-mandated AA meeting was roughly four years before I entered an in-patient alcohol treatment center because my life had become a cesspool. I often think of what would have been different if I had kept going back when the signs of my disease's progression were there.

What pain I would have spared myself.

Just my thoughts. We all have our own path. Good luck!

maddoser

Guys Im a first time poster.. In fact I have never looked for help or anything close until now. But after reading this one thread I have to say its amazing to see people describing my life to a tee -- except its their life...

I am a 'successful' drunk.. Ive tried seeking help and the doctor pretty much said "your young, good looking and sucessfull... You can deal with it". Im drunk right now and every other night after work... I also almost always turn to cocaine which I do alone and never tell anyone else for fear of being ostracised... My business is flourishing but Im becoming mean, unhappy, and worse: a liar. Like Jekyll and Hyde;

Sorry to vent but I just saw myself in your posts and really needed to let this out... Hopefully one day Ill have the strength to get help before I tank my whole life.

Thanks guys and I apologise if I posted this in a bad forum or violated some other newbie rule,

C

Dee74

Hi Maddoser

Welcome to SR.

I'd hate to think you were intimidated tho - it's not what we aim for here - but as you can see people talk straight here, and I think most people expect that too.

I hope you'll continue to look in.

Personally I don't know when someones had enough, or if they're not ready - I'm not Nostradamus...

I do remember how it felt to come to this forum for the first time tho

I was in trouble - serious trouble - my life was a mess, my health was dicey, I was scared I was (literally) going to die from my drinking....but I still wasn't sure I wanted to quit.

What I got from SR was hope - hope and encouragement and support - and the occasional challenging post when I was thinking mad stuff....and it all helped me decide to change my life.

4 years on I'm beyond glad I did.

The doors always open here, maddoser.
I hope we'll see you again

D

DUNE

First off I want to say that you are doing one thing right, witch happens to be the most important thing....You keep trying and keep comming back to this web site. Big congrats to you on that. I've relapsed many times and have had thoughts of not wanting to try anymore, or just wishing that I would contract some terminal disease that would kill me within the next 5 min.

It took me a long time before I finally reached out for help. First here and then AA. I still struggle with reaching out for help. Some close friends have been trying to convince me to get into a rehab program because of my recent relapse, but I’m still trying to do this without having to go away for 30 days. So I am definitely not one to judge you for not going public. You have your own reasons for that and I definitely can respect your decision.

Deep down inside I know that if I drink again I need to get into some type of program. I keep trying to do this the way I think best, and its been one year of countless aa meetings, 4 sponsors, and about 10 relapses. I always think that I know what to do differently or what I did wrong. But 6 days, or 6 months later I’m drinking once again.

Going public with my problem was the most difficult thing, for me. But it felt so good once I did. Most importantly it made staying sober so much easier. Just like going to a rehab is so difficult for me, but I’m sure once I get there it will be an extreme relief and maybe just what I need to beet this thing for good.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever put my life on hold for 30 days and get into a rehab program or if you’ll ever get to a aa meeting. But if you can manage to tell one person in your family that you trust, I think you will see that telling other people about your problem will be so helpful and is probably the only way to deal with this. Didn’t telling all of us here help you not to drink ,and make you feel better?

One of my close friends recently told me “You detox on your own, you’ve never talked to a professional, and your relapses are driving you insane. You’ve been doing this your way, the hard way, for over a year, and it's obviously not working. For once why don’t you do this the easy way and get the help that you need?”

OklaBH

I PM'd you

Fandy

I thought i was high-functioning "successful" drinker too...

but believe me, that can go downhill at an aazingly fast speed and you find yourself standing in the kitchen not having showered for 5 days, not eating and binge drinking in the blink of an eye.

Missy do you expect to be congratulated for "drinking only one beer" at your daughter's house? If you told her you do not want to drink, why did she "stock the fridge" with beer....I'm sorry but again you seem to place responsibility on everyone else...even if you just had "one beer" to be polite maybe?

Your family will love you even if you don't drink and you will love yourself more....I hope you keep posting and take REAL responsibility for your actions....recording it is not action...it's just writing it down.

PapaNico

... Some of the messages on this thread really make me angry. I am really doing my best to bite my tongue.
Missy, you've come here for support, and from me, another newling in this arena, that is what you will get. I hope that you cast aside all of the negatives that you have encountered on this thread and enjoy all of the positives that others have brought into the conversation. Taming this beast is a mammajamma; the fight lasts from the moment we wake up until the moment in which we finally fall asleep. It is tough every step of the way, and I relate to your comment that when you are social, it is even harder to succeed. Keep fighting the good fight, and I applaud you and your efforts. We get up, we fall down. we get up, we fall down. Just as long as we are making progress each time and we are showing up here to learn a little bit more about ourselves and each other, things should work out for us. Shoot, how many other folks out there can say that they make this much time every day to find out what makes them tick? We are here in an effort to overcome what ails us, which is a HUGE first step. That is why we are newcomers to recovery. It is a process. Keep fighting the good fight Missy7. You are doing great.

PS-- I love Portland! Pizza Smizza? O' Lawdy! If only they delivered to Colorado.