Difficulty with Children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by littlefish 
My family relationships have improved 100% - I now realize that I was an angry and miserable mother and wife while drinking, and I blamed 99% of my problems on them.
Then I was sober without a program on antabuse for about a year, and was still completely miserable. I still thought my family was the cause of all my problems.
I had no real program at that point.
But, even during that "dry drunk" period....my husband and I stopped having drunken arguments every Friday/Saturday night. I haven't had one single stupid argument with my husband since I quit.
Did our relationship improve overnight? No, it has taken another couple of years for me to turn my thinking around and realize that I was the cause of about 99% of my problems.
Now my relationship with my husband is better than it ever has been. We are planning weekend getaways, do things together, vacation together like never before.
My kids....it will take time, but even there, when I swept the resentments away and stopped trying to control every little thing they say and do, things have gradually gotten better. I am getting hugs from my older son, 24, now, and haven't gotten them for years.
For those of us in long term relationships, and with grown up children it is very hard for them in the beginning because a stranger is suddenly in their midst. My husband married the fun gurl drunk, it took time for him to get to know the more quiet reserved me who doesn't do crazy stuff fueled by alcohol. I know he misses her sometimes.
I can assure you, at least from my experience, as someone so wisely pointed out, it takes time.
Then I was sober without a program on antabuse for about a year, and was still completely miserable. I still thought my family was the cause of all my problems.
I had no real program at that point.
But, even during that "dry drunk" period....my husband and I stopped having drunken arguments every Friday/Saturday night. I haven't had one single stupid argument with my husband since I quit.
Did our relationship improve overnight? No, it has taken another couple of years for me to turn my thinking around and realize that I was the cause of about 99% of my problems.
Now my relationship with my husband is better than it ever has been. We are planning weekend getaways, do things together, vacation together like never before.
My kids....it will take time, but even there, when I swept the resentments away and stopped trying to control every little thing they say and do, things have gradually gotten better. I am getting hugs from my older son, 24, now, and haven't gotten them for years.
For those of us in long term relationships, and with grown up children it is very hard for them in the beginning because a stranger is suddenly in their midst. My husband married the fun gurl drunk, it took time for him to get to know the more quiet reserved me who doesn't do crazy stuff fueled by alcohol. I know he misses her sometimes.
I can assure you, at least from my experience, as someone so wisely pointed out, it takes time.
hurry up
time is a luxury I cannot rush.
thank you so much
L
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
They are proud of you, Lipitor. Whether you know it or not. They are appreciating the sober you and relieved to see you taking care of this alcoholism you have. You are giving them the greatest gift by being sober. You don't need to be entertaining, funny or anything else for them. Just sober.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
All of the humor, spontaneity, silliness and fun things that we initially drank to bring out of us are STILL inside of us. Early in recovery it's just a little too hard to access at times and we act like old stiffs.
I love your sigs. It says a lot about your personality. Remember tue funny things you did when you were drunk and entertaining. Cultivate your new, sober personality by forcing yourself to do some of those things again. You may bumble your lines a bit at first and be nervous as hell but just force it for the practice. Go to an open mic night at a comedy club and then laugh about how bad you were your first time. But do it clear-eyed and sober. Do it at a meeting and maybe let people know why you need to do it.
Before you know it you will be fun to be around sober. It just takes some practice and a willingness to push through fear.
I love your sigs. It says a lot about your personality. Remember tue funny things you did when you were drunk and entertaining. Cultivate your new, sober personality by forcing yourself to do some of those things again. You may bumble your lines a bit at first and be nervous as hell but just force it for the practice. Go to an open mic night at a comedy club and then laugh about how bad you were your first time. But do it clear-eyed and sober. Do it at a meeting and maybe let people know why you need to do it.
Before you know it you will be fun to be around sober. It just takes some practice and a willingness to push through fear.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
All of the humor, spontaneity, silliness and fun things that we initially drank to bring out of us are STILL inside of us. Early in recovery it's just a little too hard to access at times and we act like old stiffs.
I love your sigs. It says a lot about your personality. Remember tue funny things you did when you were drunk and entertaining. Cultivate your new, sober personality by forcing yourself to do some of those things again. You may bumble your lines a bit at first and be nervous as hell but just force it for the practice. Go to an open mic night at a comedy club and then laugh about how bad you were your first time. But do it clear-eyed and sober. Do it at a meeting and maybe let people know why you need to do it.
Before you know it you will be fun to be around sober. It just takes some practice and a willingness to push through fear.
I love your sigs. It says a lot about your personality. Remember tue funny things you did when you were drunk and entertaining. Cultivate your new, sober personality by forcing yourself to do some of those things again. You may bumble your lines a bit at first and be nervous as hell but just force it for the practice. Go to an open mic night at a comedy club and then laugh about how bad you were your first time. But do it clear-eyed and sober. Do it at a meeting and maybe let people know why you need to do it.
Before you know it you will be fun to be around sober. It just takes some practice and a willingness to push through fear.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
There is an obnoxious little saying....
Time takes time.
It's true. I have four kids, a couple over 20.... It was tough at first, thankfully not a lot of damage... But yea, things changed... It was awkward at first... It's fine now. My only daughter turned 21 yesterday... She texted me from the casino last night, her friends at university took her out... She was winning big... Hmm, I guess I'll have to have another talk with that girl...
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Relax, let it happen on their time, not yours... They are still in your life and you are already ahead of the game.
Time takes time.
It's true. I have four kids, a couple over 20.... It was tough at first, thankfully not a lot of damage... But yea, things changed... It was awkward at first... It's fine now. My only daughter turned 21 yesterday... She texted me from the casino last night, her friends at university took her out... She was winning big... Hmm, I guess I'll have to have another talk with that girl...
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Relax, let it happen on their time, not yours... They are still in your life and you are already ahead of the game.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Hi Lip...I have 4 kids...29, 21, 20 and daughter 18. I know how you feel. But before I get carried away I agree with fandy. Offer to take one to dinner. Not all at the same time -it would be a roller coaster of female emotions. Just take one and spend some quailty time.
My daughter and I have done that recently. It's nice. Sometimes we talk sometimes we don't. But she knows I'm sober and that is becoming the basis of our relationship.
My eldest son doesn't live near me and recently we were just talking about a friend of his that had problems with drugs and was in NA. I told him (for the first time) that I was in AA. He seemed surprised...but we reminsiced about my old years of drinking and I told him it had all changed. He admitted to having a binge over life...so it was nice we could talk 'differently' and connect.
Two are in the military and just come and go on leave and just deal with whatever is going on here at home. I don't want that anymore. I want them to all feel 'safe' with me that everything will be the same next time as it was this time and so on.
I know it will take time for all my kids to know that I have really changed for good forever.
My daughter is a drama queen -the queen of queens. I never know what to say and tip toe around things lightly waiting for her to speak or start a conversation. Love her to pieces -but sheeeesh! The two best natural healers are patience and time (and biting my tongue!). It will all come together in the end. I know its hard now.
My daughter and I have done that recently. It's nice. Sometimes we talk sometimes we don't. But she knows I'm sober and that is becoming the basis of our relationship.
My eldest son doesn't live near me and recently we were just talking about a friend of his that had problems with drugs and was in NA. I told him (for the first time) that I was in AA. He seemed surprised...but we reminsiced about my old years of drinking and I told him it had all changed. He admitted to having a binge over life...so it was nice we could talk 'differently' and connect.
Two are in the military and just come and go on leave and just deal with whatever is going on here at home. I don't want that anymore. I want them to all feel 'safe' with me that everything will be the same next time as it was this time and so on.
I know it will take time for all my kids to know that I have really changed for good forever.
My daughter is a drama queen -the queen of queens. I never know what to say and tip toe around things lightly waiting for her to speak or start a conversation. Love her to pieces -but sheeeesh! The two best natural healers are patience and time (and biting my tongue!). It will all come together in the end. I know its hard now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
My daughter is here with me for dinner tonnight.....a good time...ihave just snuck on to SR to tell you guys this.....it is a great night..she said....dad you seem ok and i accept that you are not drinking...... you are a bit distant but is ok with me....can we play the piano together??? what a gift guys. i better get back to her....
thanks for all your support
L
thanks for all your support
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Thanx for the post Lipitor.
My daughter comes home today, she studies music (jazz guitar) and music education, she just finished her third year. We will get the guitars out tonight, she doesn't mind playing the old acoustic blues and folk tunes, which is good, because I quit being able to keep up with her a while back...
My daughter comes home today, she studies music (jazz guitar) and music education, she just finished her third year. We will get the guitars out tonight, she doesn't mind playing the old acoustic blues and folk tunes, which is good, because I quit being able to keep up with her a while back...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Hi Lipitor.
I can feel the emotions running through you, while reading this thread.
You are going through one of the tough parts of recovery right now, and you're doing great. My kids were in their late teens when I started drinking and 19 and 21 when I stopped drinking. My daughter was the hardest on me when I was drinking. She's a 'Just do it' kind of a person. Early recovery was hard because I needed to learn to be patient. And, I was uncomfortable with my kids for awhile too. And, then a few months into recovery, I wanted desparately to talk to them about what had happened to me, about why I started drinking. I felt like it was crucial for them to understand. I quickly realized they wanted no part of that. Of course they wanted me better and healthy, but had no interest in 'my story'.
Now things are very, very good and I have 3 gorgeous grand-children. Not a day goes by when I don't shake my head in wonder that I almost lost all of this.
Stay strong and give yourself and your kids a chance to get to know each other and to find ways to communicate.
I can feel the emotions running through you, while reading this thread.
You are going through one of the tough parts of recovery right now, and you're doing great. My kids were in their late teens when I started drinking and 19 and 21 when I stopped drinking. My daughter was the hardest on me when I was drinking. She's a 'Just do it' kind of a person. Early recovery was hard because I needed to learn to be patient. And, I was uncomfortable with my kids for awhile too. And, then a few months into recovery, I wanted desparately to talk to them about what had happened to me, about why I started drinking. I felt like it was crucial for them to understand. I quickly realized they wanted no part of that. Of course they wanted me better and healthy, but had no interest in 'my story'.
Now things are very, very good and I have 3 gorgeous grand-children. Not a day goes by when I don't shake my head in wonder that I almost lost all of this.
Stay strong and give yourself and your kids a chance to get to know each other and to find ways to communicate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 34
My kids were only 6 and 4, so it wasn't too different with them from a communication standpoint. My relationships with all other adults was a completely different story though. I didn't know how to acct anymore. Slowly my old " life of the party" attitude started to come back out. It just took awhile to figure myself out again. Over time you will become more comfortable in your sober skin. It doesn't hurt to "fake it, till ya make it" either. Just try to be more outgoing even though ya don't feel like it. Good luck!
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