How did I get Here ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
How did I get Here ?
WOW - even writing to complete strangers it is difficult to admit the truth ...
I have been posting on the Family & Friends and attending Alanon due to fact that I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years, dealing with emotional/physical abuse and mistreatment, financial distress, gambling, the roller coaster of our toxic marriage.
However; After taking a good hard look at my life style and the mess that I have helped to create I am ready to admit that I have warped into a PROBLEM drinker right with my husband.
I have taken a good hard look, I am 31 yrs old have 4 children, and work full time I do not recall ever being a drinker.... but I am a full on drunk and just didnt even realize it had gotten so bad ? How does that happen.
Let me give you the short version of how I see things... I had gotten thru 11 years of my marriage to an alcoholic by being a binge eater. Last year after a particular fist fight with him I vowed to make him sorry for real this time. I went and lost roughly 70 lbs in less than 4 months and started feeling really good about how I looked. Then I started going out on "girls nights" with friends because I deserve it and enjoyed the attention I was getting. I had it set in my head that I don't care about my husband, I had put enough energy into taking care of him that I needed to take care of myself. This of course did not take care of the problem in our marriage all I did was make it worse.
I go out with my "girls" every other weekend, and usually I do not make it home when I go out and sometimes even during the week... I use the excuse that I am avoiding a fight because I know he was drinking.... but I think its just cause I am having too much fun. Even after the bars are closed, I find somewhere else to go. I have black outs, I vaguely remember embarassing conversations, I am shamed to admit that I have started a few relationships with men (can't call them one nighters, because they never leave me alone after the fact!) Sadly most of these guys know my husband, know that I am married ect. Great guys !!!!!! HA
My husband is aware of 1 affair I had because it went on for a few and guy got a little attached (still is some what) BUT I know how hurt he was when he found out and I can not tell him about the others, that is just not fair to him. He kept asking me why-why-why but I could never answer that question.
I have found myself getting stressed out and anxious when I recall events from being drunk (the embarassment, the self pitty) it takes over and I can't stand the feeling....when that happens I make an excuse to drink to drown the feelings.
I realize I am rambling and writing a book and I am going to stop now, cause I am seriously upsetting myself more and more as I write and feel
I have been posting on the Family & Friends and attending Alanon due to fact that I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years, dealing with emotional/physical abuse and mistreatment, financial distress, gambling, the roller coaster of our toxic marriage.
However; After taking a good hard look at my life style and the mess that I have helped to create I am ready to admit that I have warped into a PROBLEM drinker right with my husband.
I have taken a good hard look, I am 31 yrs old have 4 children, and work full time I do not recall ever being a drinker.... but I am a full on drunk and just didnt even realize it had gotten so bad ? How does that happen.
Let me give you the short version of how I see things... I had gotten thru 11 years of my marriage to an alcoholic by being a binge eater. Last year after a particular fist fight with him I vowed to make him sorry for real this time. I went and lost roughly 70 lbs in less than 4 months and started feeling really good about how I looked. Then I started going out on "girls nights" with friends because I deserve it and enjoyed the attention I was getting. I had it set in my head that I don't care about my husband, I had put enough energy into taking care of him that I needed to take care of myself. This of course did not take care of the problem in our marriage all I did was make it worse.
I go out with my "girls" every other weekend, and usually I do not make it home when I go out and sometimes even during the week... I use the excuse that I am avoiding a fight because I know he was drinking.... but I think its just cause I am having too much fun. Even after the bars are closed, I find somewhere else to go. I have black outs, I vaguely remember embarassing conversations, I am shamed to admit that I have started a few relationships with men (can't call them one nighters, because they never leave me alone after the fact!) Sadly most of these guys know my husband, know that I am married ect. Great guys !!!!!! HA
My husband is aware of 1 affair I had because it went on for a few and guy got a little attached (still is some what) BUT I know how hurt he was when he found out and I can not tell him about the others, that is just not fair to him. He kept asking me why-why-why but I could never answer that question.
I have found myself getting stressed out and anxious when I recall events from being drunk (the embarassment, the self pitty) it takes over and I can't stand the feeling....when that happens I make an excuse to drink to drown the feelings.
I realize I am rambling and writing a book and I am going to stop now, cause I am seriously upsetting myself more and more as I write and feel
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
Ever want to just burry your head in the sand ? Pull a blanket up over your head and HIDE from the world ? Run away and start a new life someplace where no one knows your name ? Everyone in my area knows my name .... i just want to start over somewhere
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Hey StrongEnuf,
That feeling you're describing? Of wanting to "run away and start a new life somewhere where no one knows your name"? Is my top. Number one. Fantasy.
It is the first thought that pops into my head on hangover days. (Well, second, after, "oh noooooo!")
And guess what? I did it. I left my hometown six months ago, leaving behind a string of smirking bartenders who knew my poison, bars full of people I had embarrassed myself in front of, hordes of family and friends all terribly concerned about my welfare.
I came out to this retreat in the middle of the woods with a new set of people who didn't know anything about me, except that I had earned my place among them by being selected to be part of this artists' community.
And for the first little while, it was perfect. I was just one person among many, enjoying drinks on party nights. Getting sloshed during communal dinners. After all, everyone else was doing it. And no one knew I had a problem.
But guess what? Six months later, almost everyone has noticed my mounting, mysterious injuries. Almost everyone has called me at one time or another the day after a bout of drinking to make sure I was ok. Several people have had to listen to my long, rambling drunken rants. Several people have taken turns to cart my blacked out a** home when I couldn't manage it myself. At least one person has had to actually show me where my bed was. And at least one person has made a condescending remark about how "this is good liquor; it needs to be sipped, not gulped."
So the bottom line?
Unless I change myself, I can move to a new place every six months from here til kingdom come and nothing will ever change. Because I'm going to keep carting around my disease right along with me until I deal with it.
I totally get the fantasy. But as someone who has lived it, I can tell you, nothing's much of a fantasy until you learn to deal with your actual reality.
Hugs to you and best of luck.
That feeling you're describing? Of wanting to "run away and start a new life somewhere where no one knows your name"? Is my top. Number one. Fantasy.
It is the first thought that pops into my head on hangover days. (Well, second, after, "oh noooooo!")
And guess what? I did it. I left my hometown six months ago, leaving behind a string of smirking bartenders who knew my poison, bars full of people I had embarrassed myself in front of, hordes of family and friends all terribly concerned about my welfare.
I came out to this retreat in the middle of the woods with a new set of people who didn't know anything about me, except that I had earned my place among them by being selected to be part of this artists' community.
And for the first little while, it was perfect. I was just one person among many, enjoying drinks on party nights. Getting sloshed during communal dinners. After all, everyone else was doing it. And no one knew I had a problem.
But guess what? Six months later, almost everyone has noticed my mounting, mysterious injuries. Almost everyone has called me at one time or another the day after a bout of drinking to make sure I was ok. Several people have had to listen to my long, rambling drunken rants. Several people have taken turns to cart my blacked out a** home when I couldn't manage it myself. At least one person has had to actually show me where my bed was. And at least one person has made a condescending remark about how "this is good liquor; it needs to be sipped, not gulped."
So the bottom line?
Unless I change myself, I can move to a new place every six months from here til kingdom come and nothing will ever change. Because I'm going to keep carting around my disease right along with me until I deal with it.
I totally get the fantasy. But as someone who has lived it, I can tell you, nothing's much of a fantasy until you learn to deal with your actual reality.
Hugs to you and best of luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Yeah, I think it's common to feel that way when we realize that we are alcoholics. No one sets out to become an alcoholic, but sometimes it happens.
It sounds like you're caught up in the cycle of drinking because you want to feel better, feeling worse because of what happens when you drink, so drinking again to feel better. It never ends and it only gets worse.
I hope that you decide to live a sober life.
It sounds like you're caught up in the cycle of drinking because you want to feel better, feeling worse because of what happens when you drink, so drinking again to feel better. It never ends and it only gets worse.
I hope that you decide to live a sober life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
Anna - I think i just said the same thing to a friend ..... The first few times I went out my friends I felt better, But then I felt worse because of what happens when you drink, A couple days of hangovers and the guilt/shame humiliation is still there so I drink again to feel better, only to cause myself new embarassments and shame... and again and again and again... its a vicious cycle.
I chose to live a sober life, I have 4 kids that need me there for them. When I am out drinking I am not there, when I come home (usually the next day) I am too hungover to be there completely. I like to think of myself as a good mother - I provide very well for my children and they know I love them, Thier immediate needs are met.... but I need to be there 100% of the time.
I chose to live a sober life, I have 4 kids that need me there for them. When I am out drinking I am not there, when I come home (usually the next day) I am too hungover to be there completely. I like to think of myself as a good mother - I provide very well for my children and they know I love them, Thier immediate needs are met.... but I need to be there 100% of the time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
welcome to the forum StrongEnuf 
Those feelings you mention?...I was the Great Escaper...and booze helped me escape when I couldn't escape physically.
My life got better when I broke that cycle of drinking, feeling bad, drinking...I stopped drinking...got myself together and then started looking at those underlying issues....I stope escaping and started dealing with things.
It's not always easy - but support really helps...and you already know you'll find that here
D
Those feelings you mention?...I was the Great Escaper...and booze helped me escape when I couldn't escape physically.
My life got better when I broke that cycle of drinking, feeling bad, drinking...I stopped drinking...got myself together and then started looking at those underlying issues....I stope escaping and started dealing with things.
It's not always easy - but support really helps...and you already know you'll find that here
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi SE - Good for you for addressing your own issues and thanks for sharing with us. I've always enjoyed drinking, but it took about 15 years for it to turn into a problem for me, so it progressed pretty slowly.
You have lots of stress (work, children, alcoholic husband) and I know how it feels to think "I deserve this!" It seemed like the only bright spot in my day..... I didn't want to give it up.
I finally had to face the fact that I was avoiding myself and my life (and not making the best decisions either). I feel almost grown up today..... and like who I am. I hope you'll consider sobriety, too.
Glad you posted over here - we're behind you!
You have lots of stress (work, children, alcoholic husband) and I know how it feels to think "I deserve this!" It seemed like the only bright spot in my day..... I didn't want to give it up.
I finally had to face the fact that I was avoiding myself and my life (and not making the best decisions either). I feel almost grown up today..... and like who I am. I hope you'll consider sobriety, too.
Glad you posted over here - we're behind you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome SE, glad you are here. I think we have all just wanted to escape once in awhile...but unfortunately, when we move our problems move with us. I separated from my husband only moving 7 miles west of him. But my problem was folded neatly in a suitcase until I was settled and feeling secure. Then it unzipped itself and unfolded right before my eyes...again affecting my life. This time I had to deal with the extra baggage. It was an unwelcomed guest!
Hopefully, you can gain the strength and support you are looking for here and change your habits. I have 4 kids, too...its not easy somedays. is it?!
Hopefully, you can gain the strength and support you are looking for here and change your habits. I have 4 kids, too...its not easy somedays. is it?!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I too was a blackout drinker..often did risky things
that turned me into a woman I detested.
depression was daily.
That is why I began AA recovery.
Been working great for me...
that turned me into a woman I detested.
depression was daily.
That is why I began AA recovery.
Been working great for me...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I hated this visious cycle..but I kept working at it until at some point..I was never sober. It was daily drinking with 8 hrs time out for withdrawals and that was because I had to work..It is so INSANE to keep drinking when it makes you so sick..After a couple of deaths of people close to me (alcohol related) in 2010 I finally had it. Alcohol was slowly killing me as well. I found SR via Google. I was so angry and something different happened. I KNEW I was done drinking. Alcohol had no place in my life. I found distractions by taking walks, reading up on addiction and the affects of long term drinking, and I spent ALOT of time reading and posting on this site. I spent alot of years drinking myself into oblivion. Once I sobered up I realized I am just not that miserable! I am happy now. I love mornings again. I no longer feel anxious. I feel good. I wish that for you as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
Thank you all for your responses.
Today I am 2 days sober, and was tempted to have a few cold beers last night since they were just sitting there in my fridge.... but instead I decided to focus on cleaning up some office paperwork that had been driving me crazy, get the kids settled into bed, and then I crashed hard! I slept a good sleep woke up full of energy and really moving right along in my work load today, it feels good.
I ironically had a physical appointment yesterday and spoke with my primary Dr about the drinking, he too suggested AA of course! But also took a look at the medications I am on for my depression/anxiety/Bipolar (ya i am a mess LOL)... he came to the medical conclusion that for starters one particular medication had never been adjusted when I lost 80 lbs last year and that the chemicals produced by the meds, could certainly be triggering more anxiety - hence more reason to drink to feel better. Not an excuse by any means, and I am not taking it as a medical excuse. But he did adjust my meds, hopefully that will help with the anxiety issues.
Today I am 2 days sober, and was tempted to have a few cold beers last night since they were just sitting there in my fridge.... but instead I decided to focus on cleaning up some office paperwork that had been driving me crazy, get the kids settled into bed, and then I crashed hard! I slept a good sleep woke up full of energy and really moving right along in my work load today, it feels good.
I ironically had a physical appointment yesterday and spoke with my primary Dr about the drinking, he too suggested AA of course! But also took a look at the medications I am on for my depression/anxiety/Bipolar (ya i am a mess LOL)... he came to the medical conclusion that for starters one particular medication had never been adjusted when I lost 80 lbs last year and that the chemicals produced by the meds, could certainly be triggering more anxiety - hence more reason to drink to feel better. Not an excuse by any means, and I am not taking it as a medical excuse. But he did adjust my meds, hopefully that will help with the anxiety issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
I know, I was going to pour them out (there are only 2) but decided to ignore them instead. I just didnt want to open them.
They reminded me of a few months ago when I told my AH that I had to stop drinking, not concluding I was an alcoholic at that point. But just because I wanted to get back into the gym ect. We went out to dinner with some friends and I ordered soda, he called me stuck up! So I ordered a beer and downed it in about 2.3 seconds, his freind said "that a girl, let me get you another" I really need better friends!
They reminded me of a few months ago when I told my AH that I had to stop drinking, not concluding I was an alcoholic at that point. But just because I wanted to get back into the gym ect. We went out to dinner with some friends and I ordered soda, he called me stuck up! So I ordered a beer and downed it in about 2.3 seconds, his freind said "that a girl, let me get you another" I really need better friends!
Seize The Day
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 32
It's great that you are beginning to realize what is really important in your life, your kids and yourself. I have yet to meet anyone that is a recoverying alcoholic that is not ashamed or embarrassed about the many things that they did while under the influence, I myself included. I believe that the most important thing that you should do right now is to get yourself into an AA meeting if you are not going to them already. If you are then stick with it because it really does help and the support is incredible.
I am working on a book about my journey as an alcoholic that I hope to have completed in the next several weeks. It's not so much a book as it is a journal of my own personal journey as well as some advice that may or may not be beneficial to others. I would be more than happy to share it with you when it is completed...maybe in some small way it will help you through this difficult time.
Hang in there and keep asking us for advice...
Carpe Diem
"Seize the Day"
I am working on a book about my journey as an alcoholic that I hope to have completed in the next several weeks. It's not so much a book as it is a journal of my own personal journey as well as some advice that may or may not be beneficial to others. I would be more than happy to share it with you when it is completed...maybe in some small way it will help you through this difficult time.
Hang in there and keep asking us for advice...
Carpe Diem
"Seize the Day"
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